nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 My girlfriend of 5 years has left me for another guy.Im 43 shes 38 We lived together for the last 8 months.Towards the end we built up resentment over stupid things.Mid dec a stupid argument about nothing led to me leaving. We didnt sort the issues out but kept on seeing each other and sleeping together.Things were going great and i wanted to take her to my family party over new year,however she wasnt feeling to good so we decided i would go by myself.On the day i had to leave for the party her brother arrived,he doesnt drive so his friend comes too,this happened once before.Same old story didnt spot the obvious signs this friend was making a move on my girl. I left for party and they stayed at the house,over the next couple of days she became distant.As soon as i could i got back and spotted the signs the friend had been there.She admited she was flattered by the attention but insisted nothing had happened.We kissed and had a good rest of the day. Then she went distant again,needing space etc,some days great p/calls others cutting me short.I went along with everything no pestering,It then got worse she started picking our relationship to bits and i was the worst guy in the world .Dont think we can work things out etc. A few days later she told me she had slept with guy and wanted him.I kept my calm no emotion and picked my stuff up yesterday.She was cold and ready to argue about anything.I kept it cool picked my stuff up and left.She did mention the split was nothing to do with the new guy.Later last night i called her about something i had left,asked her about the letter and she said it had made her cry.We talked and she admitted wecould still be together if the new guy hadnt come on the scene.Asked for a chance and she said ill send you a txt next week. Thats when i lost the plot and went against all the advice on here.She has 2 kids and its the fathers weekend with them and know she will have time with new guy.I sent txt saying im coming to c u and wouldnt take no for a answer.Called her phone no answer.Eventualy get a txt saying she didnt want to hurt me but the new guys there.Txt this morning asking to speak no reply so i stupidly called she answered angrily,i could here him in the background.She said were finished and not too go and see her. I later this morning sent txt apologising for what i did. What can i really do now? All this has happened so quickly we slept together dec30 and now she appears to be in a full relationship with him 3 weeks later.Her kids are there so it must be a full on thing.I followed all the advise cool,no emotion,respecting what she said all to no avail. This girl is on my mind all the time,i cant sleep its real nightmare HELP Link to comment
matius Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 I know it is my friend, sorry this happened to you. And this is going to sound easy to say from the outside but is there anything more for you there? If there was resentment before think about if you got back together. If it were me I'd take the pain, try to turn it into something positive and move on. All the time in the world to feel right again. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Its bit long so excuse me if I have missed some stuff. It seems she is very adept at saying one thing and then shortly thereafter changing her tune. Is and has this been a regular thing in your relationship? Also did she offer up the comment about the breakup having nothing to do with this new guy or was this something you asked about? I think you did good by walking away cooly. However all that seemed to go out the window when you lost it. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Im sure i asked her if everything was good with him and that we had no future,thats when she said its nothing to do with him. The cool attitude wasnt working the guy was getting in while i sat back. Everyone tells me this may have been going on longer than she has said,i dont know. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Its bit long so excuse me if I have missed some stuff. It seems she is very adept at saying one thing and then shortly thereafter changing her tune. Is and has this been a regular thing in your relationship? Also did she offer up the comment about the breakup having nothing to do with this new guy or was this something you asked about? I think you did good by walking away cooly. However all that seemed to go out the window when you lost it. So has this thing with her saying one thing one day and changing the next been going on for some time? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Shes only been like this over the last few weeks,prob just thinking whether to stay with me and go with him.Our relationship was mostly great,we talked trusted etc.I know its happened because she doesnt think shes attractive and been swept away by charm.I met the guy and ok its my opinion but he came accross full of b/s talks about everything but knows nothing. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 To be honest I think you need to look at this from a couple of perspectives. But thats what this forum is good for is getting people to see different persepectives. You have said if I read correctly that she broke up with you because: 1) She feels she is unattractive 2) This other guy swept her off her feet Are these the causes or the symptoms? I mean if she feels unattractive does that seem like a reasonable reason to dump someone and go for someone else? I have to be honest in that I think you are misappropriating some of the responsibility from yourself onto others. Not that you are directly responsible for her decisions but that its almost like if this other guy wasnt here shed still be with you and that the relationship would be good. Maybe a deeper look is needed here? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Also she has been diagnosed with cervical cancer which im sure has effected her. Its a total nightmare,ive loved her for 5 years like no one else,she could be seriously ill,im still in love with her but cant do anything Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 There were problems towards the end,our life seemed to be in a rut,cash was tight,her 2 kids are a real handful,it just became hard work Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Listen it appears you are not willing to answer soem questions. You have your reasons for that. Let me know when you are ready. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Im not trying to avoid questions.She felt i didnt show enough love cuddles etc,so thats why she felt unatttracive.She has done this to her husband too they were married 10 years the relationship turned dull she had a fling with a barman on holiday and ended the marriage Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Im not trying to avoid questions.She felt i didnt show enough love cuddles etc,so thats why she felt unatttracive.She has done this to her husband too they were married 10 years the relationship turned dull she had a fling with a barman on holiday and ended the marriage So how much of this is her? What is the common denominator in all these situations? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 She seems to want the full romance all the time,daily life isnt like that.She fell in love with me very easily and quickly i was new and exciting. A lot of it is her,the common denominator for me is she tied down by her kids who are full on its not a easy life bringing up kids,i think she wants excitment to counter the boring daily life. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 She seems to want the full romance all the time,daily life isnt like that.She fell in love with me very easily and quickly i was new and exciting. A lot of it is her,the common denominator for me is she tied down by her kids who are full on its not a easy life bringing up kids,i think she wants excitment to counter the boring daily life. Nic you seemed to have dodged another one here. I think you are right though. She does seem to want the full romance all the time. Thats impossible to maintain and difficult at best to maintain. You seem to be intent on making excuses for her and probably ultimately yourself. She is the common denominator. Full Stop. Nothing more nothing less. It is her. She has a behaviour pattern that she exhibits when she needs to get what she needs. She most likely has never thought about why she does this. What makes her need something so bad. That need is attention from men. She needs constant attention to feel worth. She will apparently do what ever it takes to get that. Even if it invovles a husband and children. Maybe not what you wanted to hear, probably what you have been avoiding hearing or realizing. But its reality. Now to you. I am assuming you knew that she left her husband after getting invovled with another man. At the very least I think you knew she did this before the same thing happened to you. Why did you never question that? Why did you not think it would happen to you? You have stated that she seems to have needed constant attention and romance so that indicates you were conscious of that to. Both those thing together would for me be a big red flag. Unless she was seriously working on her motivating factors for this behaviour I would have walked ages ago. But thats me. And I recently cut a girl out of my life that was pretty much as you describe your ex. So the questions you need to ask yourself is: 1) What makes you ignore/repress/forget/excuse these behaviours in her? Has this happened before where you have ignored bad behaviours in women. 2) The most important question is: WHAT DO YOU WANT? What do you want to see yourself having/being in 10 years time? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Topman Tyler awsome stuff. I questioned her about her marriage breakup and it was same whats happened with me,her husband worked hard,little romance etc.She said she wasnt looking for anyone when she met the guy on holiday.She also said she had to tell her husband it was over because of guilt. Me i didnt see it happening i thought she loved me and our time had mostly been great apart from the end.I was blind just didnt see it coming. I see what you mean about red flags. the positive side to her need was we had a great sex life. When she fell in love with me she was completley gone,basically the sun shone out of my .... This was when i hardly knew her.I could have been some nutcase it wouldnt have made any difference. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Her other standard one liner to me is it wouldnt have happened if we were great together Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Her other standard one liner to me is it wouldnt have happened if we were great together Dude listen. I dealt with a girl like I said that you could be describing in your ex. This was not even a week ago. She tried everything under the sun to absolve responsibility and her actions. She tried to make it part my fault as well. This is what your ex is doing. "If you were great together" means if you (nic2463) had done X she wouldnt have done Y. At some point you will probably have to explore attraction principles and romance etc but that is later on after you deal with the more pressing issues at hand. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 What do you think the best way forward is? Shes down the pan after last night so i wont be contacting her. I have the chance of a date with a girl,should i do it being messed up inside? Link to comment
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