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Just got a call from the ex 2 minutes ago... Well.. I guess I should give up...We've been broken up for 3 months and she's dating this new guy since the week after and tells me she is basically living at his place 5 days a week or so and wants to pick up the rest of her stuff from the apartment next week. Why did she call me? I mean all she talked about was her new boyfriend..like honestly i don't wanna hear that.. And the weird thing is that she is still going out for dinner and movie with my sister on thursday?? Man it hurts.....talking all happy about her new boyfriend..grr What should I make of this?

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My heart goes out to you, really. I was in a similar situation earlier this year. Basically, make yourself busy. Consider joining a gym, as this will make you feel better about yourself. Do anything to distract yourself from this person if she's hurting you. After she's got her stuff from your apartment, block all her phone numbers and consider having a word with your sister about hanging out with her. However, it is a free world and your sis can hang out with anyone she wants......

 

good luck, and be strong.

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I did talk to my sister last week. She told me that my ex asked her if she wanted to go for a movie and a dinner and I told her it was ok, because I knew they were good friends.

But man..why does she do this to me? Maybe she doesn't do it on purpose but why call me and talk about her new boyfriend from literally a week after we broke up? She's been with him for 3 months , since we broke up but I still think it's a rebound relationship. Like I mean there must have been some grieving time for her??

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There's typically no grieving time when you build a secondary relationship before your primary relationship is over. Ending the primary relationship to focus on the secondary relationship doesn't usually involve much pain, if any. I'm not saying your girlfriend was positively cheating, but it sure sounds like the new guy was there before you were gone. Know what I mean?

 

Imagine

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Yeah I do know what you mean. She met him online when we were still together. He was living a 15 hour drive from here but moved into town for a job a week after we broke up. So she knew him by the internet I guess but never met him until after we broke up. The last 2 weeks of our relationship were rough and I guess that's why and how she met him online.

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Well, I'll tell you what: I've been in this situation twice myself. The first time, I positively found out that she had built a secondary relationship for a month before we broke up. Once I found that out, I felt 100% better about the whole thing; I realized that she was no good and I was so much better off without her.

 

The second time it happened was over 3 years ago, and I still don't know what happened. I would have done anything for the knowledge you have, but I had no way of knowing for certain. The point is that you're lucky, so use the knowledge you have and just move on. If she comes back, you've got something to consider there.

 

Imagine

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I wrote this letter to her and thinking of sending it . Not sure If am going to send it htough..should I ?

 

Hello Sherry, how are you?

It was nice to hear from you on Tuesday. I'm glad you are doing well and are going on with your life. As a friend Sherry that still loves you more than anything I just want to tell you to be careful with your new relationship. What I mean by this is to take things at your pace, don't rush into things. I have accepted the fact that we are broken up even though it still hurts and that I truly deep down love you and still think you are my soul mate. I just don't want to see you get hurt. What I mean by this is rushing into a new relationship so strongly that you do not have time to find yourself like you told me. Sherry I love you so much that I don't want to see you make a mistake. I know what you're thinking…that I'm jealous and hurt.. Well I won't lie to you. I does hurt to see the woman you love so much rush into a new relationship a week after a serious relationship, one that marriage and children was something that you wanted with me and I wanted with you. Anyways enough about what could of or should of happened with our relationship, that is in the past now. I just hope to God that you do not hate me for still loving you. Even though you may think that I never loved you but the fact is I always did and always will, it just took you to leave me to really realize it and that is what I regret the most.

I just hope you can still remember the good times we've had. Like going camping every summer and going to amusement parks and acting like kids. I'll never forget the first time that I saw you after my trip when you came to pick me up at the airport. That was the moment of clarity I had when I knew I Loved you. Picking me and Marius up in the freezing cold with your green Sunfire, I'll never forget that.

For all that we have been through in the years I never regret being with you. I just hope that you are happy with everything in your life and I want you to know that even though I am accepting all of this that I am still in Love with you for being you! It has been 3 months since you decided to end our love. I could not believe you did break up the love. I still believed that was not what you wanted. I still believed that you are more than that. I just wish that you can open your heart, be true to your self and speak up.

Don't ever change sweetie.

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Well, that's a nice letter....

 

You're basically telling her that you still love her and you'll be waiting for her while she has her other relationship. If that's true, and that's the message you want to send, then you said it eloquently.

 

The complete truth is always best, and even though it can be humiliating if it doesn't work out the way you hope, when you tell the complete truth you never have to re-think yourself in the future. Send that letter and she'll know you want her back.... If that's the truth, the truth can't be bad.

 

Good luck,

Imagine

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Thanks for the reply again Imagine..

I'm still not sure if I should send it. I mean I've told her how much I loved her early in the break up, like the first month we broke up. But like you said it is all true. I meant every word I said in that letter. I'm just scared of being rejected by her again. Honestly we only talked about our relationship for the first 2-3 weeks of the break up and never really sat down together much and talked about "US" except for once on the phone and once in person 2 or 3 weeks after the initial break up. She used to call me for the first 2 months often to go for lunch and stuff but I never really brought up our relationship up again much, because of fear of rejection again.Plus she was with the new guy anyways

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don't send that letter. i did the same thing with my ex and it did NOTHING for me. cause what happens when she doesn't respond? you'll be left feeling like crap. it's fine and good that you wrote the letter, but don't send it. you said that you've told her earlier in the break up that you care for her and all that, so that's all you need to do. she knows you care and she won't forget about you, trust me. by sending that letter, you're just making yourself more vulnerable. i know you care about her cause you two were together for a long time and close, but she's BAD NEWS. don't write her, don't call her, don't have any contact with her. you should be angry at what she's doing. talking about her boyfriend with you and telling you she's living with him and stuff. my ex won't even talk about her new boyfriend to me. it's tough now to see cause you're hurting and all, but soon you'll understand that it's way better for YOU to be far away from her. think about yourself ONLY, cause she's not thinking about your feelings AT ALL. GET PISSED

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You think I should do that caliboy? Just ignore her...Let her pick up the rest of her stuff next week and act happy and let it be.. If her new rebound relationship works out or not in the long run, I should really try as hard as it is to move on...And say 4 months later after her new rebound relationship she starts calling me again I may be at a point that I am over her...?? Maybe, maybe not?

Like people say...Set them free...if they come back then it's meant to be

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If she truly cared and loved you, she wouldn't talk about her new relationship. I would say move on.

Send the letter whenever you are ready to deal with either the good or bad that come with it.

If you send it and she doesnt respond how will that make you feel?

If you send it and she responds negatively by saying she doesnt feel that way or cant think about it because shes involved with someone else, how will that make you feel?

Right now the best thing for you to do move on. She is with someone else. I can imagine how difficult this is, and I truly feel bad for what is going on with you. But make sure you live the life you are supposed to and don't base your day around thinking of her, or what you should and shouldn't say to her. If she wants to be in your life, she'll say something, but don't wait for her.Shes not your life now, you are. She isnt worried about how you're feeling, if she was, she'd never have mentioned her boyfriend in the first place.

I wish you all the best

~*Justagirl*~

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Thanks...justagirl....

I never really though of it that way. That is she cared about me at least a bit that she wouldn't mention her new boyfriend.That's just mean..

 

When she called she asked me how my new girlfriend was. (I told her last month I started dating a new girl) I replied by saying that she WAS NOT my girlfriend but things were going pretty well. Unlike her I am not ready for another relationship unless it was with the ex. It's just too soon. In a couple of months maybe but like her 2 weeks after the break up.

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I'd say not to give her the letter until you are ready to deal with the potentially devastating response she could give. Most likely she is trying to get some kind of response from you. She is testing to make sure that you are still hurting from the relationship. As long as it hurts you, then she knows she still controls your feelings. Don't give her control of your feelings. I know it hurts like hell to hear all of the things about her "new life" but don't let her know it hurts you. When she doesn't get the reaction from you that you are expecting, it WILL throw her off of the balance that she believes she has. It will remove a lot of the control that she is exerting over your feelings. Don't play the game by her rules anymore. Make up your own rules. Keep in mind that your power comes from your ability to choose what actions you take, so make sure that you think carefully about what you are trying to accomplish with those actions. Take back your power. You don't need her to be happy. Keep in mind that you can be happy without her. You are a good person and people like you.

 

As for the stuff exchange. If you aren't ready to put on a game face when she's moving, then have your sister be at your place for you. Probably all you want is to see her and talk, but it isn't best right now while you are still so torn up inside. There will be other opportunities to talk later. Wait until you are emotionally centered before getting into a conversation about things. You will probably come of as a wounded person, something that she wants you to be. Don't be that person. Don't play by her rules.

 

Good Luck and Best Wishes

bdub

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Thanks,

 

The past month I have been acting all happy and not hurt around her because that's what people told me to do. I do it but it is very hard to. It's tough sounding content and happy when she talks about the new b/f, but I still pull it off , well kind of anyways. I just don't ask for her back or beg , I just try to act like a regular guy. Maybe if I would have done that from the beginning it would have been easier in the long run.

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Thanks again for the reply..justagirl...

I'm with a girl now that totally adores me for the past 5 weeks and I like her but I still think of the ex. I dated 3 different girls since my break up but just don't seem in to them really. I'm not a shy guy when it comes to girls, I have no problem meeting women but makes it more difficult when I still think of HER!!! GRRR...

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Anytime Bubbamackdaddy69....cute name by the way..haha

Being with the other girls wont be the same because you're putting your heart in 2 different places. Even though you may have sincere feelings for the new girl, half of your heart is focusing on the healing from your breakup. You will get over her, the no contact thing works, it just has to be honored by both people. I'm pretty sure when she contacted you your feelings were stirred up even more. Causing you to feel the pain, frustration, love and more all over again. It will be a few more months until you are over her enough to go without thinking about her. It'll get easier as each day goes on.

~*Justagirl*~

 

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you are experiencing what i went thru just a few months ago. it's like you want to move on and get your life back without that person in mind but no matter what you do or who you hang out with, your mind ends up thinking about your ex... am i right? but at least you don't have it as bad as me. i still work with my ex and it's extremely difficult to move on. i've dated a few guy since our breakup but like you, it's just not the same. but what i have found out to be true is (like others have mentioned) if you keep yourself focused on things, as far as keeping busy, you will find it better for your mental well-being. i started going to the gym, hanging out with friends, and picked up new hobbies that sparked my interest. also, posting on this site was another good thing because i got a lot of great advice and today i'm doing a whole lot better than if i were moping about wanting my ex back. and like one person mentioned, it sounds like the guy was in her life before the two of you split... that's what happened to me... it was a friend of ours and i saw the signs of it being something more than strictly plutonic and it blew up in my face. knowing that my ex was a cheater not only makes it a bit easier to see that i am not missing anything but also knowing that there are millions of other people who are far better than that only makes things clearer. basically what i am trying to say is even though this feels like the worst thing in the world... just know that it isn't. you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve and will look back at the situation and laugh. remember, the best things in life are those unexpected and worth waiting for. good luck!

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Thanks justagirl,

 

I know what you mean..A couple of weeks go by without talking to her and I feel better and then she calls out of the blue and it brings back all those memories of her,good and bad memories. That's what happened tonight. I haven't talked to her in almost 2 weeks before tonight and was getting easier. I still think of her mond you, but less anyways when we don't speak.

We got 3 pets when we were together, 2 cats and a dog and she was really close to the dog. She was always taking care of him. I know it's just a dog but she never really asks how he's doing.. Yeah i know sounds funny,,

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It doesn't sound strange, it makes sense...because the dog was part of the relationship that you 2 had shared together, so it kind of seems that if she doesn't care about the dog than she doesnt care about waht ya'll had...or something like that. Or I could be amking a bigger deal than you out of it. but giving yourself time will fix things

*~Justagirl~*

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I agree Adidas7fire.

That I should find someone that would treat me the right way. Unfortunetly my ex girlfriend was like that before the break up. I mean I was the one always causing troubles and I regret it now. I hate to say but my ex, when we were together did everything for me and I truly believe that she loved me to the fullest, she would think of me before anything else. A couple of months before we broke up she even organized a surprise b-day party for me and paid for everything. The problem was mainly that I didn't realized how much I loved her before it was too late.

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One thing to add...

 

If she calls again and tries to get you involved in listening to her bubbling about the new bf, this is NOT something you have to act happy or nice about. It's plain thoughtless, and can be treated as such. Simply tell her "Hey... you're happy, that's nice, but I haven't contacted you because I'm not interested in investing in feeling hurt, please respect that decision as I've respected yours and don't call me to make yourself feel better, or think you're making me feel better, because you are not. Someday I may be ready to speak to you as a friend, but I'll let you know when that is, it's definitely not now. Take care, bye now."

 

Look hon, you've already gone through enough since she left. You don't need to permit her to make you feel worse when you're trying your best to get on with your life in the name of being nice. This is something that's within your control, and you deserve to be in control of what you can to get past this and heal. You wouldn't be being mean, nasty, or vindictive, just realistic and aware of what you need. She's gone after what she thought she needed - it's time you get the same consideration.

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