cheating

[enadevoli]

i was just wondering what every one's opinion about cheating is... like do you think a cheater deserves another chance? i know that every one has a different opinion, so i want to hear the reasoning for your opinion.

[musicguy]

I think cheating is wrong! If you love someone so much, are committed to them and want to be with them, why cheat on them? I never understand/understood why people cheat on each other.

 

Musicguy

[enadevoli]

i agree musicguy, but if someone cheated on you, would you give them another chance...or even consider it?

[avman]

I think that depends on the situation.

 

I feel everybody makes mistakes. But not everybody learns from them. If a person makes a mistake (say cheating), learns from it, apologizes, accepts what they have done is wrong, and grows because of it then yes I believe they deserve a second chance. Now if they cheat again - then they have proven they aren't trustworthy and didn't learn.

 

Some people are simply unapologetic though. Or they deny what they did is wrong (like Bill Clinton's definition of sex). Or are so selfish they rationalize cheating by saying they were 'driven to it' or they 'couldn't help themselves'. Those folks are beyond help because they will simply repeat their behavior. They do not deserve a second chance.

[musicguy]

nope, I wouldn't give them another chance. Why? because if that person said they loved me and wanted to be with me then they wouldn't be cheating on me AND if there were any problems in the relationship I'd expect my partner to tell me so that we could talk about it.

[The Morrigan]

I have.

 

Whether it works or not depends on a lot of things, it didn't in my case, the cheating was a symptom of deeper issues, so getting past that resolved nothing really.

 

And despite having given things a chance, I still don't believe there's any real justification for cheating.

[SadJJ]

Exactly it all depends if the person deserves another chance. I am giving someone another chance, and it's a hard thing to do, but he is proving to me that I have made the right decision. Plus he want me to trust him, and he is doing everything in his power to let me trust him again.

 

Before I actually had to make this decision I thought way differently! I always said if he cheated on me he would be gone in a heartbeat, but now that I am in the position, I've learned that every situation is different. If he hadn't told me about it, and I heard it from someone else, I don't think I would be with him today.

 

ANYWAY...my point is...every situation is different, and unless you're experiencing it you may never know what you would do.

[musicguy]

true, I guess it does depend on the situation, still it would be soooo hard to ever trust that person again, especially when it's gone. I've never had anyone cheat on me and I have never cheated on anyone, but I've accused someone of cheating and that hurt the trust issue a lot.

[Gilgamesh]

No i would not give them another chance.

 

very simple really, its all about trust, when i am with a person that says she loves me and I her, and are in a commited relationship, there is trust between the two.

 

if one cheats, this isnt something that just happenes like stepping in a pot hole, it takes planning, someone actually thought about who she/he wanted to cheat with, made plans to be with that person and made love to that person, with no consideration to their spouse or commited partners.

 

They broke that trust, and its over, because now the image of who they are has been changed, the image of a person that would never hurt me has been change to one in which yes she is capable of hurting me, and lying to me. I dont know this person, its not who I fell in love with.

 

cheating is so much more than just spreading your legs for some other guy. and that I will never forgive.

 

for those few that decide to try and forgive and accept what happened, good luck, its never the same again. usually people with low self esteem that make up excuses for their partners actions. I have seen it here in the forum and in real life so many times. they want to hold on to the dream and fantasy of the image they once thought that person was, they cannot let go, they dont want to. who they still love doesnt exist anymore, never did.

[SadJJ]

Just because someone made an terrible mistake, I don't believe that makes them a terrible person. (depending on the situation sometimes they are horrible people) My boyfriend did break my trust, and it is not easy to get my trust back, but he is trying, and I feel it is genuine. It all depends on the person.

 

I have always trusted people until they give me a reason not to, and then if they have given me a reason to distrust them, I try to give them another chance. Maybe I am far to forgiving...that is a lesson I will learn in time. While in time I may forgive, but I will never forget, and that will be the test of our relationship. If my good times can outweigh the bad in our relationship, then I see a reason to stay.

[avman]

for those few that decide to try and forgive and accept what happened, good luck, its never the same again. usually people with low self esteem that make up excuses for their partners actions.

 

I must take exception to this. It is unfair to lump everybody into this category. There are people who prefer to take the high road and see that their partner is capable of better. These people are not doormats, they just love their partner enough to try and see it through. Now if their partner cheats over and over again and they take them back - thats being a doormat.

 

Tell me you have never done something so brain-dead and stupid that you weren't horribly embarrassed by it later. I know I have. When looking back you think to yourself "That was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I can't believe I hurt so-and-so like that". And then you'll do anything to make up for it. Would you hope that your partner would be willing to give you a second chance? I sure would.

[LonelyGirl]

No way.

I am currently in a relationship where we both were unfaithful with each other. I learned from my lesson but he didn't feel sorry. He even attempted to say he did it because of me (because I came out and admitted what I did before I knew he did anything). He justified what he did and I don't believe he ever came out and really said sorry. In fact he denied it to the minute when I found out the truth. He tells me that if I don't trust him then that's MY issue not his. Nice, huh? Plus, his lies have not stopped there. He continues to lie (about where he goes and what he does when he's not with me). I also think he may be cheating on me again. I have been honest with myself and admitted that I'll probably never trust him ever again. Do you know how agonizing the feeling is? Plus, I'm currently going through the pain of thinking he is seeing someone else. I've learned that he won't tell me even if I have proof. I chose to stay with him and move on but unfortunately that is easier said than done.

I found myself searching through the classifieds today for apartments. It's a painful experience so if you're not up for it I'd get out NOW. Not everyone who cheats is always going to cheat. We all make mistakes but it's whether or not we learn from them that makes a difference.

Good luck with your relationship. I hope it is salvageable.

[avman]

LonelyGirl,

 

I agree with you. In this situation a second chance is not warranted. I was talking about those partners who are truly repentant.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope it all works out for the best.

[VickiRose]

I have learned from my own screw-ups, that if you make a mistake once then your bound to repeat that same mistake again.

[enadevoli]

wow... thanks for all the replies. im not in a relationship where cheating is happening, i was just wondering what every one's opinion was about it. my opinion is, & its basically the same as Gilgamesh's, where i would not give the person another chance. if im with someone, i expect them to be with me & no one else. there is NO excuse for cheating, even if its just to get revenge. being cheated on hurts so much, probably even more than getting dumped (at least for me). & yes, i have been cheated on. however, i decided to take him back because he claimed he was sorry, well guess what, he did it again. im not saying that every one can't change, but its the whole trust issue. how do you know for sure they won't cheat on you again, & how can you be sure that they aren't cheating on you now. you will always be wondering that. if someone loves you as much as they say they do then they wouldn't purposely hurt you. cheating is a choice, it doesn't just happen. so, if someone cheats, they are taking that choice to hurt you.

[idunno]

you hear this question all the time, to trust or not to trust again. its a bunch of hooey. people do not change for good, they change for a while. you will always wonder if your mate is honest or not anyway, even if they have never been aything but honest. if you are married and have three kids or something then maybe you have to suck it up and deal with it, maybe. if you are dating or whatever then thank god and split.

[DealingWithIt]

I believe in the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater". If they cheated on you and got away with it for some time then you found out...do you think they'd do it again? Or maybe, do you think that you'll be able to FULLY trust them again.

 

I think that you can forgive a cheater but what happened will always be in the back of your mind. You'll always doubt them.

[Gilgamesh]

in response to Avman

 

cheating isnt an accident, it isnt a wrong turn or something that "just happens"

 

when you cheat on the person you have promised to love and be faithful to, you do it out of Choice, you chose to set up the situation, you chose who you wanted to cheat with, and you chose to do it, no accidents, no mistakes, you knew exactly what you were doing and why, you knew it was wrong from the start. A mistake is when you commit an error, there is no error about this, you knew exactly what your were doing. period.

 

A cheater chose to be that way, if he or she is unhappy with the relationship then fix it or leave. a person that cheats says a lot about who and what that person is. Its selfish and dishonest, and its deffinatly not loving.

[musicguy]

cheating is bad alltogether. If my girlfriend/fiance/wife cheated on me regardless of the situation, I'd break up with them because the importance of trust in the beginning was broken.

 

musicguy

[avman]

I can see we aren't going to agree on this topic, and thats totally fine. But let me throw a wrinkle in this.

 

What if you found out your partner cheated on the relationship BEFORE yours. They haven't cheated on you. Do you break up with them now?

[Gilgamesh]

Im so glad you asked this question.

 

Its so simple, I wont date a girl that cheated before, If a gal left another man to be with me, she is capable of doing the same to me.

 

 

I also dont hire ex-convicts that were thiefs to handle the cash register, or a guy with 15 DUIs to drive a school bus. or a previously released sex offender to baby sit. will you trust them? just because they said they have changed?

 

There is a lot to be said about a persons charactor.

 

I am not so cookie cutter, I know what your saying Avman, can people learn to change these bad habits? its possible, and some may even do it.

 

They will have a higher success rate with someone that doesnt know their past, and start with a clean slate. only time will tell if they can stay commited.

 

I only have one life though, i am not going to stick around with a cheating woman to see if she has cured herself from this weakness, sorry, Ill take my chances with another woman that as far as I know never cheated and thinks highly of commitment.

[enadevoli]

i would not date a person who had a record of cheating in the past either. i mean, i can't say what i would do if my bf cheated on me just because i know how against cheating he is & that he would never even consider it, like me. its hard to answer "what if" questions. if my bf did cheat in the past, it would change who he is & his beliefs, & then he wouldn't be my bf (does that even make sense??) however, i know that if there is a guy that i knew had cheated in the past & he came up to me & asked me out, i would probably say no just because i couldn't trust him. its hard to trust people who you know have cheated in the past. however, if i knew that that person has changed & learned from it, then thats a different story.

[Genesis]

Great topic!

 

What do you consider cheating? Does it only apply to sex? What if your GF/BF or H/W kissed another person, or was having an emotional relationship( unhealthy friendship) behind your back do you consider that cheating? Would you forgive this person?

[neva_black_n_white]

hey

i feel that ths is a test done to see there love from another. i dont agree with cheating at all, but in some cases and only a few i believe the cirumstabces are correct. not always is it that we do it through evil or resent for the other person to give of pure hatred, but truthfuly are in love with someone else.

 

unfortunatley for me i can say that i have cheated but not in a serious relationship, i was only seeing the man and to me and him we saw it differently, he knew of the events and i njever lied and i never had sex or anything too intimate with the other person!

 

however, i did find someone i loved not long ago, we were in a long relationship and this changed the light of how i saw cheating, i did have a reputation but i didnt stand to it, i never cheated on him and wouldnt on anyone else, i could see the hurt in his eyes if i were to and its not an emotion i would like anyone to experiance again.

 

so through my own errors i disagree with cheating completely.

kel

[just_smile]

hey guys

i believe that cheating isnt a good things but not necessarily a bad thing, i think that it is a test of love, or a least that is what people use it for.

people cheat to test their love and how strong it is, but also because they dont want to hurt their partner, that sounds kinda strange but it might be that they dont want to hurt them by ending it so they cheat, conciquently hurting them in the process.

it depends what you classify as cheating,being with someone, kissing someone else, or sleepin with someone else or somethin different. i think it tests how strong you are and how much you trust the person,

anyways hope this helps

~LJ =;