Concerns about my niece

[JSHRN]

Where to begin? I have previously posted here about myself. Now, however, I seek guidance from the wonderful people here in helping me help my niece. First, some background.

 

My niece Sarah is 20 years-old, grew up in western Pennsylvania and is now attending college in North Carolina. Her Mom (my sister-in-law) recently asked if I would talk to Sarah stating that she has been going through some very tough times with anxiety and panic attacks and perhaps I could relate to her issues and help her with them. I have battled anxiety and panic attacks and my sister-in-law feels this would be a good basis for me to talk to Sarah and help her.

 

I spent a wonderful Christmas vacation with my family and had an opportunity to talk to my niece about a variety of things. She told me she has had anxiety and panic attacks for almost 5 years now and that when she has one she basically "shiuts down". It has affected her college studies to the point where she got kicked out and had to reapply (her grades were poor and she got caught for underage drinking). She was accepted back into college after she wrote a letter to the dean of the college and her doctor wrote a letter stating that she was under treatment for ADD. Now, what should be her junior year she's failing out again, has several "incompletes" and had an allegation from her professor that she plagiarized a term paper! This from an intelligent girl who graduated second in her high school class! My brother and sister-in-law are at their wits end because "they don't know what they can do to help her".

 

To compound things my niece is still underage drinking and has a fake ID, she's smoking cigarettes and has even smoked marijuana! This is so disheartening but, I have told my niece that whatever she and I talk about is between her and I - no one else. And I mean that sincerely. Her parents are aware of some of what's been going on. She confided a lot in me last week.

 

Rght now the one stable thing in her life now is her boyfriend of 4 months. He already asked her to marry him and her response to him was "I need to fix myself first". She does have a good head on her shoulder but I told her the chemicals in her brain are screwed up right now.

 

She's been on Adderall (for undiagnosed ADD). Her current psychiatrist took her off that and put her on Effexor 150 mg daily. She asked me what she should do next and I told here she should take off a semester from school, move back home with Mom & Dad and take a credit class at the local community college. Her response was that her apartment lease at college isn't up until June and that her "support system" are her friends at college. Of course, I realize that some of her college friends may be the source of her problems.

 

An unfortunate part of the relationship between my niece and I is that I live so far away from her and can't have a face to face talk with her everyday. (She said she would love to do that if it wasn't for the distance). As a solution I told her to call me whenever she wants to, daily, if needed. Even if just to say Hi. Well, it's been a week and I haven't heard anything from her. I've sent her a few text messages but haven't received anything in return. I'm wondering - is it wrong or "pushy" of me to call her? I feel like she may be mad at me (the morning I was leaving to come home she wanted me to wake her at 5 am to say goodbye. I didn't because of the hour and because her boyfriend stayed the night. Now, I feel like since she has put some trust in me that I should have woken her.

 

Sorry if this so rambling but there is so much I want to talk about with my niece. I'm hoping some kind soul here can relate to this and help me to help my niece. Thank you.

[randomfemale]

Sorry to hear the troubles your niece is going through. Is there any other ways you could keep in touch, such as via emails or instant messenger chats?

 

If she hasn't responded to your texts maybe try giving her a phone call, I don't consider you wanting to keep in touch with her to be pushy, since she is openly confiding in you.

[bigthings46]

I would be more concerned with the underage drinking then the marijuana. Weed doesn't kill people just makes them lazy. Underage drinking on the other hand will lead to all sorts of bad stuff. Car accidents, sleeping with random guys, experimenting with heavy drugs, and so on.

[JSHRN]

Sorry to hear the troubles your niece is going through. Is there any other ways you could keep in touch, such as via emails or instant messenger chats?

 

If she hasn't responded to your texts maybe try giving her a phone call, I don't consider you wanting to keep in touch with her to be pushy, since she is openly confiding in you.

 

 

I told that I would help her in any way that I could and would stay in touch in anyway that I could - including emails. I'm just so worried that something bad is going to happen to her. My sister-in-law had a dream that my niece would die at a young age. She's been blaming herself lately that she spoiled Sarah and that's why she's having so many problems.

 

I do realize that she has a lot of friends at college (even if she chooses to go back to the town but not to college). She'll also be closer to her boyfriend (which seems to have a somewhat stabilizing effect on her). She's admitted to me that she does need to fix herself, however, I don't think her college environment is the best environment for her right now. On the other hand, my sister-in-law doesn't know if she can take much more of my niece's antics. I have spoken to Michele (my sister-in-law) about this and, though it may be difficult, is what my niece needs most right now. Through all of this my brother has been somewhat aloof and feels that this is all a game to his daughter and that she is manipulating people. I was incredulous! She has genuine symptoms and issues!

 

As I sit here typing this I am broken hearted over my niece and want to help her in any way I can. Last week was obvious a great beginning in my endeavor to help her get better. She did say that she would enjoy talking to me whenever she felt like it. But now I feel after a week of not hearing from her that she's gone against her word. That may sound pushy and that's why I haven't called her. I hope she's okay but I worry that she's not. She said she felt very comfortable talking to me last week so I wonder what happened?

[Mythical_Suicide]

I would be more concerned with the underage drinking then the marijuana. Weed doesn't kill people just makes them lazy. Underage drinking on the other hand will lead to all sorts of bad stuff. Car accidents, sleeping with random guys, experimenting with heavy drugs, and so on.

 

 

Weed impairs ones judgement which is just as dangerous as drinking. Underage drinking does not "kill people" nor lead to anything you mentioned above but besides, that's totally pointless and wasn't what the OP was asking.

 

To the OP, I'm sorry your neice is going through so much and I hope you're able to reach out and help her before she really screws up her life. I would give her a call since she hasn't responded to any texts and just let her know once again that you are there for her whenever. Best of luck to you both!

[ghost69]

I would be more concerned with the underage drinking then the marijuana. Weed doesn't kill people just makes them lazy. Underage drinking on the other hand will lead to all sorts of bad stuff. Car accidents, sleeping with random guys, experimenting with heavy drugs, and so on.

 

weed leads to other drugs usually. drinking, not so much. i'd be concerned about both though. sounds like she is into the fast life and liking it.