how not to go mentaly crazy after break up???

[robert7x]

I just started thinking about this... I read somewhere online that there are people that went mentally ill after loosing a loved one and never ever recovered... Never dated, ended up depending on someone...

 

I'm 25, Have a really good Job, My own apartmant for now, car, no financial problems. My girlfriend of 8months left me 11 days ago after making up a story about her dying grandpa... She probably left for another guy and i'm about 80% sure... Don't know exactly what all happened but i'm pretty sure that's what it is... Haven't heard from her since then...

 

I've been constanly thinking about stuff... and i mean all the time... When with a friend or so, i'm listening what they are saying and we are watching a movie and all, but i'm still constantly thinking about her. I can't focus on anything... and i mean on anything at all... As i write this... i have a huge headache because i didn't eat anything since yesterday...

 

I tried going out but just got more depressed and started remembering how it was when we were going to those places... For some unknown reason i was ok yesterday for about 3-4hours... I talked to her parents as they don't know what got into her either... and then i felt fine for a little while... This morning i woke up to go to work and i felt like Sh*t again.

 

My worry right now is that i'm destroying my life... I know she's not worth it, but i don't believe it... i'm afraid i'll do something... i don't know what... but i'm just afraid right now... I don't want to ruin everything i built up until now because of her... she obviously lied to me this whole time and just waited for this guy to do something so she can run of to him... She's not worth my life... Now all this is just words... HOW DO I ACTUALLY START BELIEVING THAT??

 

I'm the kind of guy that needs to know that there is someone out there and i won't end up alone... I'm the kind of guy that was always in charge of things and never ever lost that control... Until now. I don't want to loose my head over this. I read stuff online and here as well on how to move on and what to do and all... But i can't do it... It's stronger then me... I'm all weak now and too down that i don't know how to pick myself up and MOVE ON.

[-BK-]

You are doing what you need to do, which is "pretend" that things are OK for now... the actual believing it part will come later. You mentioned going out to eat with friends, watching a movie, etc. Those are all good things, and it's completely normal to not enjoy that stuff at the beginning. I didn't even enjoy my family the first weekend after my break-up and I'm very close to my family. What you also need to remember is that you need time each day to think and talk about what you're feeling. Make sure you use friends, family, eNA, and even a therapist to discuss this stuff. You sound like you have a lot to be proud of. Over the next month or so, you are really going to see that you were happy before you met her and you'll be happy again after she left you. The first time this happened to me, I was your age and I didn't take it well. BUT, I did meet other women after time and I was happy again. 11 days isn't huge -- you're going to need to be patient. If you really feel VERY depressed or suicidal, you should see a doctor about some anti-depressants. It's not for everyone, but they can help certain people cope with their lives better. If you feel like you want to talk more, please PM me.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I think I know exactly where you are coming from, and I know how totally rough it is.

 

I posted here a few days ago when I was at my absolute lowest, and I had so much good advice - it really was powerful stuff about taking it hour by hour, trying to breathe, focusing on the now, and how this is for the best. Have a read of it, because the advice I was given was superb and especially useful in the early days of a break-up.

 

Hang in there, it will get better.

[turnaroundmyway]

I'm sorry you're going through this. About your ex making up a story about her grandpa - that's awful! She did you a favor by leaving.

 

What you are feeling is part of the normal grieving process. Allow yourself to go through it. It will take time to get over this. You will not feel better overnight. Trust me, I have been wishing for the magic wand to make "all the pain go away" for years -there is no magic answer.

 

I'm sorry I don't really have any pearls of wisdom for you, but there are a lot of great people here that will reply shortly I'm sure. Hang in there. Keep posting back. You may find it helps a lot.

[robert7x]

-BK- Thanks bud for the reply. I know everyone goes thru this stage at one point or the other. I don't think i'm thinking about suicide or hurting myself yet, but i did think about that maybe there is no point to life now after her... I mean I have everything else i want and was always lucky in other things but not in love it looks like.

 

Honey Pumpkin I'm actually reading your thread now and it looks like you are going thru some tuff time like myself. Hopefully there really is life after you loose someone and pain will go away.

 

turnaroundmyway Magic wand would be the answer here. It's not only the story that she made up that made me in this stage where i'm at right now... it's all the trust i had put into her and i believed that she would never do anything like this... I believed that she's the person that would rather break-up with me (even though there were never, ever any intentions for that) then cheat on me or something like that.

 

Thanks for replies guys... It means a lot to me at this point.

[need2bme]

First thing is first...when you say she is not worth your life, believe that she is both not worth your life physically or figuratively.

 

What I mean is, she may also not be worth you giving up your life by worrying about something you have no control over.

 

Oh trust me, I blubbered all over the place. We love them and that is why they are called feelings. Feel them. Feel them all. If you use them for your benefit, they will make you a better, more stronger person.

 

Cry often if you need to, but do get out. Keep going out. For the longest time, I simply wanted to walk up to any couple holding hands and tell them, "you know that this isn't going to last, right?" "It never does."

 

Love is a beautiful thing. Heartbreak can either make you hide forever, or teach you great things about yourself.

 

CHOOSE the latter...

[robert7x]

every time i see a couple kissing or just holding hands... i just remember i had that too and i can't believe that i lost it. I want that again but i want it with her... at this time i'm not interested in others...

 

I'm stupid, i know that if she wanted to come back to me... i know i would welcome her with the open arms... and then it would be nice for a short time again and hell later on...

[Lionel Hutz]

I have found that excercise works best. Video games will help keep your mind off things. Its time to get busy now. I have noticed that the mornings were bad when she left. She was the first thing I thought about. Now I wake up and run. Between work, excercise and liesure, you havent any time to think about them. Once you do that quickly subsides, it never fully goes away, but it subsides.

[robert7x]

I already lost 45lbs before i met her... I don't want to loose any more weight... I'm not eating that much and if i start running and excercising i'll be like a stick of wood.

 

I bought PS3 while we were together and maybe i played it 3 or 4 times while she was at work. Now that i have time to play it, i just don't have interest in it... i turn it on... start playing and just turn it off.

[KAT MOMMY]

Robert, you have to want to move on. You have to pull yourself through this honey but trust me it gets greater later and before later it will get worse. Just think about her being a liar and also her saying something as drastic as her gradpa dying-like come on'. She is a loser because she can't even be a woman and let you know direct. SO she is not worth your time, your tears and not your heart. She is unstable because her own parents don't know what to think. DOn't beat yourself up about it it is her lost not yours. She is just not built for a man like you so it is time to upgrade. Step it up honey and reach higher. Think of her as not ready for you and that is not at all your fault. It is hers and she screwed up. Move on and try your hardest to get her out of your system. 8 months try 7 years! I have a child with the man that broke my heart and it took me several months but you have no kids right---if not you are free as a bird-babe spread your wings and soar!!

[KAT MOMMY]

I already lost 45lbs before i met her... I don't want to loose any more weight... I'm not eating that much and if i start running and excercising i'll be like a stick of wood.

 

I bought PS3 while we were together and maybe i played it 3 or 4 times while she was at work. Now that i have time to play it, i just don't have interest in it... i turn it on... start playing and just turn it off.

 

can I ask why you lost 45 lbs????

[robert7x]

Well i'm 6ft tall and at the time i weighed 245... so i lost 45lbs because i just didn't want to look like that anymore... The whole reason i lost all that weight is that i was in another relationship of 5 years that ended with a girl leaving to another country as well... Same promises of coming back and all but never did.

 

The current ex knew all this and that's why she said that she would rather break up with me then do this to me again... well i guess that wasn't true.

 

I loved this current Ex more then the last one, because i experienced a lot more with this one in 8months then i did with the last one in 6 years. I should have known that she will break my heart as well... She is very pretty and smart girl... at least in some things... She just doesn't know what she wants and only thinks about herself... It looks like she doesn't care who she crushes on her way.

 

The thing that doesn't make sense is, we talked while we were teenagers on Aol and stuff, but never actually met. She always told me that she compared every bf she had to me and always wanted to be with me... That's why none of this makes sense is how could you hurt me like this. I understand we were kids back then and all, but we aren't anymore... I gave her everything she wanted, but i guess she got borred.

 

I have no kids, and i was never married KAT MOMMY.

[KAT MOMMY]

No kids, 25 and all is going great for you. It sounds like you are a great guy, her lost. I don't think that you bored her it almost sounds like you were her yes man. Not that is a bad thing it's just that some females are not used to having a good man in their lives and when one comes they totally use them and then when they feel as if there is nothing that they can offer in return-they flee. nothing personal on you--these are the females that make it hard for honest, hardworking, single women.

 

Why want someone who doesn't know who they are, why be with a selfish person who seems very shallow. Suppose she thinks that this is cute and she is having her fun now but she will be crying later because the joke is actually on her. But you don't miss a good thing until it is gone and once she knows that you are no longer interested then she will be back. It always happens this way. I am sorry your heart feels broken and I know the feeling indeed-it feels awful... The girl has got game and it doesn't seem as if she was actually serious to begin with. Look at it as a lesson learned and know there's no room to make the same mistake twice. My advice is this: Women respect men that are honest, loyal and trustworthy. WE want someone that is responsible and stable. Being a YES man is ok but you see you can't be a YES man and a softie at the same time. Understand me> It is hard to respect a female that will anything for you and then still smoothers you too? It will get to be a bit much do you think? So you have to put your foot down and stop letting them take your kindness for weakness. If you are generous with gifts and all-then only get what you want her to have not what she wants because it's 50/50. I am not saying be a mean beast or anything but just stick to your guns and let your no means no and your yes means yes.

[Lionel Hutz]

The thing that doesn't make sense is, we talked while we were teenagers on Aol and stuff, but never actually met. She always told me that she compared every bf she had to me and always wanted to be with me... That's why none of this makes sense is how could you hurt me like this. I understand we were kids back then and all, but we aren't anymore... I gave her everything she wanted, but i guess she got borred.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Many of us had those S/O that said "Forever" and talked about all that good stuff that made us feel secure with them. What could make to people feel better? However, some get cold feet. They fear being with the same person and will excuse the fact that they lead you on, or simply make a lame excuse; i.e. " I love you but im not in love with you." Now its time to remember what its like to stand alone and have the freedom to do what ever you want. Thats the key now. DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT. You dont have to check in with anyone or be considerate of anyone elses emotions but your own now. Take advantage of the fact that you are single now.

[Lionel Hutz]

Why want someone who doesn't know who they are, why be with a selfish person who seems very shallow. Suppose she thinks that this is cute and she is having her fun now but she will be crying later because the joke is actually on her.

 

 

Applause to that right there.

[robert7x]

You are apsolutely right about everything... I am honest and loyal... i would never cheat on a girl because i know the pain it brings you... I thought she knew that too but i guess the joke is on me now.

 

My problem is i fell in love with her too quickly and i guess she did too, at least at the begininig. I guess i was a YES man, but the problem is i loved her too damn much and i wanted to make her happy... I was happy being with her and seeing that she's happy which got me to this point i guess.

 

My dad was an abusive man in a way that he cheated on my mom and then beat her up... I had to live thru that until i grew up and i promised myself i would never ever be like him... He changed when i turned 14 and he never ever did anything like that again. Maybe that's the reason i'm suffering and being walked over like a rag by girls like this...

 

Sometimes i think that this whole nice guy thing should end and maybe i should be an Ass like these other guys that really don't give a damn about anything... I never see them feel like i do right now when they break up with a girl.

[robert7x]

This is the thing... I never liked being single... I don't know why is that... I was only in 2 big relationships my whole life... and both times i thought this was it... I'm finnaly set...

 

I think that i'm afraid of being alone and not having that security of actually having someone for the rest of my life... However these days, there is nothing like "for the rest of my life"... there are divorces left and right.

 

I have my parents, and i have couple of friends... One that is my age and i knew him since i was born... he's actually married... I look at him and see what all he has... Pretty much everything that i have only he's married and has someone that loves him and is there with him... That's what i want...

[robert7x]

I also want to thank you all who replied and actually talked to me... For the moment i actually felt good... But then for some reason, i just thought of her and how she is probably sleeping with her new "friend" and i'm back to square 1.

[Lionel Hutz]

You have to do things which are individual. Like Surfing, Snowboarding, Skateboarding, Running, Hang gliding, Swimming. Do things that are only involve you. Once you start challenging yourself you realise you can do it all alone. Nobody likes being single really, and if they do its so they can be as promiscuous as they like and that still involves another person. Its gonna be hard. First and formost you have to TRY. Dont discount yourself by saying, Ive always been in relation ships, Or I dont like PS3. Just friggin try bro. Before you know it time will pass and some other bombshell is ringing you to hang out. Relationships are not easy, and if they were life would be really boring if you think about it.

[KAT MOMMY]

oH babe, Don't be silly trust me they go through the emotions too it's just that they are so good at hiding it because they are not true to themselves. Most of the time they are in bed with the next Pretty Young Thang ASAP and I feel that is how they get over old and get to the new!

 

You are strong and brave to be the one to break the cycle because no man should abuse a woman ever-no matter what. You have respect and truth and that is beautiful because with so much drama in the world it is good to see that someone thinks logical and have morals.

 

Stop beating yourself up-the joke is not on you-you still got all what you came in the realtionship and you can get over this sooner than you think. Time heals it all and you need to try your best TO KEEP YOUR MENTAL BUSY.

Look at other women, flirt, blow kisses, go and buy a new shirt and go to a single's bar or treat yourself to a wonderful dinner-you don't have to go alone and sit at a table-sit at the bar and have your meal.

Love yourself first and foremost because no one can love you like YOU! So the next woman you pick will be BETTER than the ex and better than the rest!!! You don't need her honey-she's the one that needed you! Someone said that actions are louder than words--so true. Let that be your guide from here on out. I've been burned based off trusting someone word-because you loved them you thought that they were true-nope. Soon enough they tell you -oh i cahnged my mind. Some men are notorious for that one!!

 

I was burned a few times but what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

[KAT MOMMY]

I also want to thank you all who replied and actually talked to me... For the moment i actually felt good... But then for some reason, i just thought of her and how she is probably sleeping with her new "friend" and i'm back to square 1.

 

Robert why can't you find a new friend to "sleep" with . There are plenty more single women than men.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I also want to thank you all who replied and actually talked to me... For the moment i actually felt good... But then for some reason, i just thought of her and how she is probably sleeping with her new "friend" and i'm back to square 1.

 

Okay, I know how hard this is. But just slow down, and think that you are in charge of your thoughts. One technique I have read is to have that image in your head, and then gradually turn it whiter and whiter, like turning up the colour on a TV, until it's faded out completely. Every time you visualise them in your head, just try doing that, make the picture fade out by making it whiter and whiter until it's gone. It sounds a bit odd, but make your mind like a film editor, and try this technique. I've tried it, and it does work - just do it every time that thought pops into your head. Then go and do something else, and be brutal about doing this trick every single time.

 

I'm a big fan of trying each and every tip I've heard - some works better than others, but it's better than just sitting there suffering to at least try doing some visualisation.

 

Instead of thinking about them, put a vivid image in your head of you in 2 months time - make it bright and strong, and picture yourself doing your favourite activity, think of winning a lot of money and what you would buy, think of how good it would feel if (insert whatever you would like to do, so long as it's not with your ex!)

 

Give it a shot anyway - your mind is a powerful thing, and your imagination is great. It might give you some relief.

[greensleeves]

I'm sorry you are going through this...it's rough I know You need to get out of the mindset that YOU have done something wrong here. There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy and one day you are going to find someone who appreciates you for the wonderful person that you are. She has lied to you and that hurts, there is no getting around that. You have gotten through 11 days, so you are a strong person and it will get better every day, although there will be lapses. Keep as busy as you can and the amount of time you spend thinking about her will lessen. First you will say...hey I haven't though about her for the past hour! Next it will be a couple of hours, a few hours and so on.

 

It hurts when we think that someone who loved us can walk away like that, but people do it and we can't really control that. All you can control is your reaction to it. Ask yourself, would you really want her back? She lied to you about something as important as her grandpa being sick and she has left with no real explanation. I think you deserve better treatment than that...don't you? Once you can clearly see that SHE wasn't good enough for you (and not the other way around), you will feel stronger and more in control of your life and your future.

 

You are going to meet someone else, someone better, more mature and who is worthy of your love and affection. She wasn't that person, but that person is out there looking for you and you will find eachother.

[robert7x]

Robert why can't you find a new friend to "sleep" with . There are plenty more single women than men.

 

Because at this time, i only really want her... I'm not really interested in other girls... but maybe that's because i'm not looking. I'm not the kind of guy that likes going to clubs and party hard and all that... I've passed that when i was in high school and college...

 

I don't know where to meet the girls... I mean i don't know if i have the courage now to even aproach a girl at this point... I wish i had someone to hug and cuddle up at night.. Especially now since it's so freaking cold here... I loved our time in front of fire, drinking hot chocolate and just watching a movie... Unfortunately that is no more...

[-BK-]

Because at this time, i only really want her... I'm not really interested in other girls... but maybe that's because i'm not looking. I'm not the kind of guy that likes going to clubs and party hard and all that... I've passed that when i was in high school and college...

 

I don't know where to meet the girls... I mean i don't know if i have the courage now to even aproach a girl at this point... I wish i had someone to hug and cuddle up at night.. Especially now since it's so freaking cold here... I loved our time in front of fire, drinking hot chocolate and just watching a movie... Unfortunately that is no more...

 

There is nothing wrong with NOT wanting to find a "friend" either. I've been single again for two months and have not even thought about kissing someone else. Trust me when I say you can heal without replacing her physically, and in my opinion that is the healthiest way. Your self-esteem is naturally low and you are confused about what would even make you happy. I've met a couple of girls in the last two months and want nothing more than someone I can talk to. That being said, you do need to get out of the house, especially on those nights when all you can think about is drinking hot chocolate in front of the fire. Make plans with friends, even if it's just to have dinner or catch a movie.