Screaming Into a Hole in the Ground

[flyoffthewall]

I've never tried an online journal. I find myself using ENA, though, and I need to get some thoughts and ideas into writing, so here I am.

 

I am keeping this public because I need support and friends right now, and I'm not getting what I need from family or from some of the few close friends I have in my life right now. I welcome any suggestions, communications, etc.

 

I am not very happy right now and I've had several bouts with depression in my life. I've improved my self-esteem and happiness quite a bit, though, in the past 2-3 years. I am determined to do all that I can to get back in better spirits and to be in a better place by this time next year. I want this year to be one in which I work a lot on my relationships, in general. That is what this journal is about.

 

So, here I go...AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRLGHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

[flyoffthewall]

Still feeling discouraged that I haven't heard from most of my friends during this time of breakup with my ex. That really hurts.

 

I have to assume, from that, that I haven't been there enough for my own friends, don't I? That is very possible. I always get in touch with friends when they get in touch with me, but I stay very busy and don't initiate contact with too many people, though I do call from time to time. I have lots of acquaintances and know lots of people, even have supportive co-workers, but I never seem to do as good as I would like maintaining both a romantic relationship and close friendships.

 

I've thought of some things I can do to change that:

- I'm trying to be there more for people in my life who are in need. I never have many people do things for me, and perhaps that is why that I don't do more for them. Also, I do a lot of community work through my job, so I tend to have less energy on weekends to help people move, etc. I'm trying to do more of this and have done so for a couple of people since being in NC with my ex.

- Trying to be a bit more social. I have always been the quiet one at big parties, etc. I make an effort, but tend to then go off on my own or talk to someone I know well. At holiday parties I attended, I spoke to a lot more people. I've realized recently for the first time that when I am less social, my friends take it personally. Somehow, in my own self-preoccupation, I never realized that I might be hurting the feelings of the host of the party. I always feel that I am the only one hurting when I am doing that -- feeling inadequate, unpopular, etc. What a jerk I can be. I don't expect to become an extrovert or anything, but I am going to make much more of an effort to have fun, even if I am never the life of the party.

- Thinking long-term. A lot of what I do, outside of work, is designed to give me short-term stress relief. That helps sometime, but isn't helping me get to where I want to be -- in my love life and in other areas -- over the long term. I am making it a point to do some activities that make long term improvements, like saving more $, taking better care of my living space, etc.

 

I'd like to cook more, too. It is hard to get past the laziness, sometimes, and do more.

[flyoffthewall]

It is so funny to be replying to my own thread!

 

After writing yesterday's entry, today I had all kinds of people come out of the woodwork -- my good friend who had not been there for me, and even -- indirectly -- heard from my ex, who I've really been missing.

 

Have decided to stay in NC, at least until she makes more of an effort to communicate with me.

[flyoffthewall]

It is so funny to be replying to my own thread!

 

After writing yesterday's entry, today I had all kinds of people come out of the woodwork -- my good friend who had not been there for me, and even -- indirectly -- heard from my ex, who I've really been missing.

 

Have decided to stay in NC, at least until she makes more of an effort to communicate with me.

 

Haven't seen my ex in almost a month now. I've had some good contact with people on ENA, and it is helping me to gain some perspective, and to think that all might be for the best.

 

Having a bizarre online experience, in other quarters. Started corresponding with a woman in another state who is the good friend of a good friend. We are on our way to having a long-distance online (and perhaps off?) relationship. She sounds really amazing and we've started talking on the phone.

 

Last night, though, I found out that she is married! Although is separating from her husband. Not sure what I have gotten myself into, here. Also, it scares me how quickly I can go from one committed relationship to another. Not sure is that is a good thing or a very, very bad thing. It is good, I suppose, that I can find friends and lovers and be close to people over a short period of time. But it is not good when these relationships (particularly love relationships) end and there is little in my life to show for it. I need to be careful about what I am getting into.

[flyoffthewall]

More thoughts on the whole chatting with the new person thing.

 

I am finding that too much of what I do is short-term rather than long-term. The chatting thing is short-term -- looking for a quick fix to repair the absense of someone that I really love. Maybe get myself into crazy situations like this because I am looking for someone else who is looking for the same thing, or just because I am not looking far enough ahead. What do I think is going to come of this long-distance chatting? Even if she flies in to see me, and even if she decides to stay, I know so little about her. I might not even want her here. But I guess I thrive on the possibility of being back at the center of someone else's life. I seem to thrive on the validation -- like I don't exist if I am not at the center of SOMEONE'S life. Like someone else has to continue the narrative for me -- or more accurately, that I need an audience to play out my own life. If I have successes and there is no one there to see them, do they actually happen? If a tree falls in the woods....

 

Of course, they do happen, they happen just for me. So I have to ask myself, am I fulfilled enough by my own successes in life? If not, is it because I am achieving accomplishments that are really not valuable enough to me anymore?

 

I am at a point where I do not want to feel so alone as the creator of my own destiny -- do not want to feel that being the creator of my own destiny is such a lonely and worthless task. I want to do something in my life that holds value for me, personally, that I will not require outside validation for. Now, if I could only figure out what that is....

 

Part of me really does know what that is. Part of it is being in a loving relationship that is more unconditional than most I've been in in the past. Giving love and receiving love.

 

I value my work, but work alone is just not doing it for me anymore.

[flyoffthewall]

Having a rough day today.

 

I've tried an online dating site, but it only makes me feel desperate. Especially when I contact women and they don't write back. Yuck.

 

Tonight, I just feel awful. I miss my ex. I feel like I will never meet anyone that I love again. I feel just plain pathetic. I feel too old to feel this way. Does anyone my age feel this way, or am I just immature?

 

My self-esteem is still pretty lousy. I still feel owned by my emotions. Have I really made any progress over the past many years?

 

I would like to think so. I am still down some of the time, but not nearly as much as I used to be. I used to be completely paralyzed by my depression -- almost owned by it -- and now at least I can struggle through it.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that I do not value myself the way that I should. And I have to believe that that carries over into my relationships. I want to have more confidence, I am doing more to build my self-esteem, but the reality is that I am not there yet. Not nearly there. And I feel tired. Tired of pushing this big boulder up the steep hill. I guess that I have come too far to quit now, though.

 

I need to save myself, but really I have to admit that I spend too much time praying (waiting?) for someone to notice me in the way that I want them to. Someone who thinks that I am as special as I think I am, or can be. I am so desperate for that person, and that must be accomplishing nothing but driving people away from me. Whenever I meet someone, I tend to be with that person for a long time, but it always has ended eventually, obviously. Don't know what else I can do to change that pattern other than to keep trying, and to keep trying what I know works and to experiment with the rest, learning as I go.

 

Is there anyone out there for me? I feel so horribly alone right now. Lots of acquaintances, but no one whom I can count on to be there for me every day. I can understand why so many people turn to drugs for help. I feel so much emotional and mental anguish right now that I wish that I could simply numb myself.

[flyoffthewall]

Self-Esteem builders and destroyers for me to keep track of...

 

The B u i l d e r s

 

- Exer-sighs

- Learning -- reading, studying, etc.

- Finishing work that I get paid for

- Finishing chores around the house

- Helping and supporting others

- Being true to myself

- Pushing the envelope, in positive ways -- confronting fears

- Self-improvement (or elf improvement)

- Collecting information before reacting (avoiding overreacting)

- Aiming high

- Acting on my environment (instead of waiting for it to act on me)

 

The Destroyers

 

- Breaking NC

- Missing deadlines

- Not putting in a full day at work

- Letting negative events or emotions cloud my mood

- Being oversensitive

- Withdrawing

- Procrastination (BOO! HISS!)

- Being too picky about who loves me

- Wallowing in self-pity

- Wallowing in mud puddles

- Letting anxiety in

- Unrealistic expectations

 

Might come back to this list and add a few.

[flyoffthewall]

But that's OK.

 

Sitting here doing some thinking....and haven't written in my journal for quite a while

 

Still thinking about J., and missing her. Wondering what she is doing tonight. I haven't called her, because I still don't know what to say, or if we are meant to be together. Maybe I am doing the right thing, maybe I am just procrastinating.

 

I miss the chemistry that we had together, and I continue to wonder, is chemistry enough? What do I really need? Just support and understanding, I think.

 

Regardless of J., I want to have a vision for my next relationship so that I will know whether it is really what I am looking for. That's hard, though. Vision creates expectation, expectation is not reality, etc., etc.

 

So, how do you know when it is right?

 

I feel so clueless about that.

 

I don't like to be on my own, so once I get with someone, I tend to stay there, regardless. I can't stay with someone just for that reason anymore. It has to be more than that. I need someone who lets me live my life, and who doesn't constantly try to change me. Is that person really out there?

[flyoffthewall]

Met a lovely young woman to date a couple of weeks ago.

 

She is a sweet person, with a kid, a good job, smart, cute. Not sure yet about whether we will be together long term.

 

I think I am addicted to being in relationships, though. I seem to exit one relationship and to jump with both feet right into another one. Perhaps out of loneliness, or the need for sex or both. This new person is really a good soul. Of course, that alone doesn't make a relationship worth keeping.

 

I guess I am confused. Reading my entries from a few weeks ago, I would do anything to meet someone. Now, here I am meeting someone good, and I am questioning whether it is right! Sigh. I don't want to rush into anything and I want to make sure that I am doing all of this for the right reasons.

 

Maybe I need someone who has a bit of a darker side. Not that I don't want to be treated well. I guess I just feel a little patronized or condescended to when someone is soooo nice to me. I know that is not what this new lover means by it, but somehow that is how I feel.

 

I think it has to do with my upbringing. My mother is so kind, and so sincere, but also superficial in her interactions with me. I think that perhaps when someone is that nice to me so soon, something about it turns me off and makes me not trust it.

 

I'm trying to break through that by learning more about her and making sure that our interactions are real. I certainly don't want to end up in another relationship that doesn't have long-term potential. Unless I just decide that I'm never going to get married again. Sigh. Here we go 'round in circles....

[flyoffthewall]

It is 1:45 a.m. here and I wish that I had someone to talk to. I find myself back at ENA for that reason, tonight. It's been months.

 

Still seeing the woman mentioned in the previous post. She's out of town this weekend and my friends are all asleep by now.

 

Went out to a club tonight. There is little that makes me lonelier, for some reason. So many beautiful people, so little interaction with them! A friend's girlfriend showed up with several women -- just my friend and I and a bunch of gorgeous ladies from out of the country. All a bit too much younger or too stuck up to really want to even talk to me. Sad! And all I really wanted to do was talk, for once! Mostly!

 

Weak in the presense of beauty. I have always been overwhelmed by beautiful women. It is sad what a man would do (myself included) for a woman as beautiful as these, regardless of the substance of their lives or personalities. I wonder, if I did get into the door, into bed, with any of them, how long I really would have been interested. I really don't know. But the animal inside me wanted to find out. I'm seeing someone attractive, smart, successful, and I still wanted to find out.

 

I would like to be satisfied with just one person, one lover, someone to talk to, for the rest of my life. But I don't know if I'm that person. If I am honest, I get bored. At least physically. I end up wanting to sleep with someone else. But I also don't think that I could handle being in an open relationship. I feel like a hypocrite, but there it is.

 

I would like to know how many other people feel this way. I imagine that many do, that more and more do. It seems that a lot of people just aren't interested in marriage anymore, or don't stick with it, if they do end up getting married. I'm divorced, I never cheated on my wife, but I don't know if I want to go down that path again.

 

I think that marriage is outmoded. There should be another way, that is more suited for our times. I read a book once in which women chose their mates and chose whether to renew their bonds on an annual basis. Maybe something like that. I can be faithful and love it for a year or two, then I find myself wanting to explore a new lifestyle, a new person, a new way of being. Even if only for a little while.