The Guilty One!

[jaded4life]

I am the guilty one, the one who misled. Recovering from a break-up made me very vulnerable to receive the attention and admiration from a certain guy. Advisor when I met him, I confused myself with my feelings.

Trying to move on too fast, trying to forget the past~I started an emotion that I knew was not best.

I feel bad for myself, bad for him, bad for this life that has brought my

faith and hope to an end.

Perhaps I do not know how to love, or how to receive all I know is that I feel lost deep inside of me.

Why do ppl play games with our hearts? I cannot speak advice, for this was done on my part!

I feel guilty, yet there is no cause I had been Jaded from a love that I lost.

I am not here to talk about my ex, but I wonder does he think he can still mess with my head. I deny that he can.

Yet after not hearing form him for quite sometime he decides to send me a line. Hey, hows it going, are you doing ok? Just thinking about you?

Waht was he trying to say? OUr breakup was bad, we did not remain friends, he was dating someone while I was still crying over him!

Now it has been months and he dares to ask.

I never replied I had nothing to say, what were his intentions? messing with me that way? I am not sure if he is sitll with his new love, but I cannot fathom how he could love.

He called me today to ask to come by, he needed to pick up his items that I sitll had. I told him I was leaving, be gone for an hour, but that he could

swing by and I would have it out for him. He replied that he would come at a better time, trying to be so nice! What was on his mind? So I told him a time, agreed to let him come reclaim his items that I once cherished with love. THe door bell rang, I grew nervous and scared, I asked someone else to get the door while I gathered his box. I met him at the door, I tried to not look at him. He kept staring at me, he even had the nerve to look me in the eyes, and I grew angry, scared, nervous to what I think I saw. I could see in his eyes the way he use to look at me, I looked into his eyes and I could tell he still cared for me. At first I glared a second or two, than I turned my head frightened of what this would do. My family were all aorund they all made small talk. I just wanted him to leave before I screamed. I turned my back and walked away told him bye forgetting that he was in my home! He just glared at me with that look in his eyes, was I imagining it? Or was he trying to tell me something with his eyes. I began to walk off, and thought I must look rude in front of everyone. So I remained civil to him and turned back around I helped him to hte door, told him a few things about all the items, in the box. He was outside the door I still had the door opened, he was standing there smiling saying Thank you, and still gazing into my eyes! I smiled and said bye as I closed the door, what scared me the most, was that I almos tfelt hte urge to yell back for him, to ask him if there was something he wanted to say. But I know better, than to betray my heart this way!

To Men~Why would you do that? What was he trying to say? Am I over analyzing? DO you all look at your exes this way?

Is he afraid to tell me how he feels, does he realize he was wrong, now that I have healed?

I just feel bad for the the Man that i had created this dream with, I was not able to fulfill when he made himself real.

I still miss my ex, but reality has set in, I know we both felt something

when our eyes locked. I could feel it, anybody ever experience this with an ex? What does it mean? Why do I feel so bad? I feel guilty and sad!

Jaded and bent! No matter what I do, I am not content.

Should I call my ex up and give him a chance, if I feel this much still am I denying one last chance? Do I forget him and go on, wandering about him?

I know that my advisor, my friend, the one that I was not all up front with may be reading this, No I am not playing games! I am truly confused. I never meant to hurt anyone, but we were not meant to be. It was too fast too soon, too much for me.

Please men and women shed some light!

[Gilgamesh]

Eight of cups.

[The Morrigan]

I'm trying to get a grasp on what's really going on here - while there was a lot of emotion and free thought in your story, it kind of made it hard to pick out specific events.

 

So, let me see what I'm getting as far as events go, and you can correct me on anything I'm wrong on

 

Your boyfriend broke up with you... and you feel you moved into a new relationship with someone who was more mentor and comforter to you too fast. Seeing and hearing from your ex was what brought this home to you. Now you're wondering if your ex's actions when he came over to pick up his things had any other significance, or if he was just "being a guy" and not thinking your feelings would be upset all over again? And you realize you need to talk to the guy you're currently with, though you don't want to hurt him.

 

Are we on the same page so far? I hope so Or I've read things all wrong!

 

I don't have any idea of the timeline on any of this, which makes it a little harder to say much...

 

Short though it was, I agree with Gilgamesh as far as your realizations. Seems you're thinking your current boyfriend was a buffer or cushion against really getting over your ex, he was there when you badly needed someone, and he filled part of the void that was left, but you really weren't ready to commit wholeheartedly to a relationship. You hadn't finished the grieving or healing process.

 

I honestly doubt his intentions of anything more than what he said. He may have been curious if you'd gotten over him, and no doubt he wanted his stuff back, but usually it's a fault of the party who wanted the breakup and moves on faster to be blind or oblivious to the fact that the other had not yet recovered, and contact only brings pain. And at least in my experience, guys always look at least a little differently at someone they've been intimate with - and it doesn't mean they have any intention of doing anything.

 

You need to take time for yourself and figure out a few things... One, what do you want for yourself, apart from what your emotions are telling you? You broke up for a reason. He still has the power to hurt you. That's something you don't want him to keep. Two, if he hadn't contacted you and put your feelings in a turmoil - how were you feeling about your current relationship BEFORE that? Content? Happy? Just "safe?" It's important not to make quick judgement calls when you've just been slapped backwards in time, so consider carefully before jumping in any direction. Three, consider yourself first, and really think about what you want from a relationship, and how you can evaluate yourself in relation to that. Are you ready, or do you need time to build on yourself first?

 

When you can answer as much about yourself as possible, in your heart you'll know what you need to do.

[jaded4life]

I seeked your advice and while I thank you for your reply, I will correct some misunderstandings. I dated my ex for 3 yrs, I broke up with him b/c of "his" fears. I will not go into more detail than that.

I never had intentions of hurting anyone. I have made bad judgements on my part. Not thinking rationally has torn me apart. Everyone has ideas of passing the buck, and persececutions of blame, I cannot stack up to delusions of grandeur, and I was never playing games.

There are two sides to every story and even then the reasons are never clear. I am not in denial and I do not place blame. I am just learning to live

again and I may make mistakes, if I hurt another, it is a risk we both take.

 

[The Morrigan]

Sounds like you might be judging yourself a little harshly, if anything...

 

You did the best you could with the place you were at at the time, with no wrong intentions towards anyone, and that's all any of us can do.

 

The day we stop taking the chances that come with the risk of making mistakes is the day we stop growing and learning, so don't beat yourself up about it. 8)

[sisterlynch]

I just love your writing style, so mystical and mysterious at the same time!

 

My vote on how the guy felt= he realized he was wrong too late. Men don't seem to predict outcomes the way that women can do, so he made a very "male" mystake of not looking before he leaped, not knowing more about your situation, do I make a rightful point?

 

This is the game of love, it is a game of cards played hand to hand, you keep your cards hidden until he reviels something, then you play yur card when the time is right. If more people are involved in the game than recommeded-- the timing is always going to be off, which means that the communication will break down!

 

Give me an A if I am getting close!!