Friends with benefits, getting complicated....

[FreakTimmah]

hey im new here. i found this site and thought i might be abel to get some advice. see i've been sexualy involved with my friend carol since early september and its turned out to be a very confusing relationship. id like to say that were friends with benfits but im afriad thats not really the case, we both have strong feelings for each other but we want diffrent things. she wants to be abel to causualy date other people(guys and girls) and possibly have sex with them. she has said that she can't commit to me because she doesnt view herself as a trustworth person(nieither do i). this is kind of a big deal because sometimes well run into the people shes casualy dating, she hides our relationship from them but tells me all the details about thease other people. its stressful and not particualy what id prefer to hear. it makes me feel as if im not enough for her and it bothers me that she treats me like her boyfriend yet still has sex with other people and wont call this what it really is.

 

the other problem is that she and i are too attached and have assumed a girlfriend/boyfriend role. she sleeps over everynight and i spend the majority of my time with her. im certianly not naive enough to think this relationship is going to last forever or even that it will turn into what i want it to be. but i do care about her and it would be nice to keep her in my life and not have every thing fall to pieces. at the same time i do recognize that she is being a tad selfish and that this relationship isnt all that healthy. i want her to explore and be happy but not at my expense.

 

what should/can i do to improve this situation? should i just back down from my feelings a little and not care as much? i feel like im stuck because even though i know im geting a bit shafted in this situation im still better off then being alone and isolated. its not that im a clingly person, i just dont like being alone all the time, i dont need to find myself, i know who i am and i know what i want, i just cant seem to find it.

 

 

any adivice/feedback would be apricated, thanks

[The Morrigan]

Ok, the thing that stands out to me here, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that she feels free to date others, and isn't ashamed of it, yet feels the need to cover up that she's sleeping with you. That's a double standard, and even in a friends with benefits relationship, that's not right. If she's open enough to be dating around, she should not feel any need to hide her relationship with you, since it's an "open" one. Hey, it would be hard to feel you're "good enough" when you're like the guilty secret in the closet, it's not you who's at fault here.

 

As far as feelings - backing off generally, well, it doesn't happen. This seems to be a separate issue from the other, though they're connected. If you find yourself really becoming more emotionally involved with her than she is with you, it's potentially more destructive to continue the relationship, emotionally, than it is to end it, or at least the "benefits" side of it. Sure, you might not be alone all the time right now, but you're feeling alone emotionally much of the time, feeling inadequate - this isn't going to improve your self esteem any, and as long as you're tangled up in this, you're not going to be able to focus on finding a relationship with someone else who's ideas of what a relationship should be are more in line with yours.

 

Sit her down and have an open talk with her about your feelings, and see what page you're both on. If it's not the same one, chances are something's got to give.

 

Being "alone" isn't always a bad thing, not if the alternative is settling for less than you deserve. You have/make friends, still enjoy people's company, and you find someone you can be happy with, who is capable of returning the same emotional investment in you that you are in them. Some things are worth waiting for instead of settling for what you can have at the moment.

[FreakTimmah]

hey thanks for the feedback, and yes your right. i need to talk to her and know where she stands. i do know that im not obessed and that this isnt a one sided thing. im certianly not in love with her, i just feel very strongly for her, and she does express a lot of affection for me. its just that her actions hurt me and put a lot of stress on our relationship sometimes, and she knows it. but thanks for pointing that out about me being a "guilty secret", now that i think about it thats half of what bothers me. the other half is just jelousy, feelings of betrayal, resentment and disgust. i think if i told her more of what i was feeling instead of just trying to be there for her then we might be abel to reach a comprimise. if not then oh well. i've got some friends moving here for school next semester and pleanty to keep me busy in the mean time with finals coming up. i guess i just don't like losing people, even bad people. thanks for the advice though, i really do apricate it