Zorba Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Well, all the women that I have dated have said that they want the guy they marry to be a "good friend" first, someone they are comfortable talking to and sharing all their secrets! Now how can you not be a friend and still try to win her?? What they say and what they mean are two different things. I would go so far as to say, pretty much disregard what women say when you ask them what they want in a man. Look at what they actually go for. They don't want another girlfriend for a start. They dont want an overemotional boy man either. That's where many men make the mistake, they start acting like their girlfriend. Big diff. Link to comment
poloplayer Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Men are, by nature, problem solvers, so they're more likely to try and fix what's wrong and prove it to their lost love. Once a woman is done with a man, though, she's DONE unless he can prove himself worthy again. I agree with this. Regardless of who dumps who, or what happened, what happens next is all in the hands of the guy. Even if a girl dumps a guy, the onus is upon him to prove himself worthy again. Basically, you F'ed up royally and she was hurt. Link to comment
love4life Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I agree with this. Regardless of who dumps who, or what happened, what happens next is all in the hands of the guy. Even if a girl dumps a guy, the onus is upon him to prove himself worthy again. Basically, you F'ed up royally and she was hurt. More or less. Unless she gives the ILYBINILWY line/ "something's missing". Then don't even bother with her. Link to comment
lizer Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 i agree. if i had dumped my boyfriend (instead of the other way around) i would've still expected him to take the initiative to make things right. unless he had some obscure personality trait that really convinced me that i could never marry him and spend life with him. as for men being the dumpers and concerning reconciliation, men indeed ARE fixers, and they want things fixed in their own time and their own way. and i think that takes a long time because they can only focus on one thing at a time. and when it comes to emotions and relationships thats like 800 things at a time. so they have to compact it down. am i right guys? its sorta like when your wife asks you to take the garbage out and you say "yeah i will"..but it never gets done.. and so you ask again..and he goes "yeah i will".. and then like a day later he finally does it when HE wants to. Link to comment
love4life Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I think because men are problem solvers and want to fix things, if they dump a woman it's usually because they have issues within that they need to resolve and thereforeeee aren't ready to emotionally support a woman....Just based on my experience and what I've seen. Link to comment
yo Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 i agree. if i had dumped my boyfriend (instead of the other way around) i would've still expected him to take the initiative to make things right. Lizer, I don't get this part. My ex dumped me and she hasn't bothered to contact me. I have really tried eveything - calling, texting, email - but she hasn't responded to anything. She just stopped talking one fine day. What am I supposed to do? How can I make things right if she doesn't even want to talk to me??!! Link to comment
yo Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 What they say and what they mean are two different things. I would go so far as to say, pretty much disregard what women say when you ask them what they want in a man. Look at what they actually go for. They don't want another girlfriend for a start. They dont want an overemotional boy man either. That's where many men make the mistake, they start acting like their girlfriend. Big diff. So Zorba, the women that you dumped, came back with you just doing NC or did you have to do things to make them change their mind? Link to comment
lizer Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 yo, heres the thing. i am not your girlfriend. she may be dealing with stuff inside that you have no clue about. any girl that just STOPS talking to you has issues. and i say that because women are RELATIONAL creatures. we thrive off friendships, family, relationships, bonding, connection. we love to talk. we love to share. we love to connect. with that said. if what you were doing wasnt producing the result you hoped, then good lord STOP doing it. take a long breather for awhile. compose yourself. and then try something new later. give her space though. if she is feeling overwhelmed with WHATEVER shes dealing with, give her time to miss you. try it. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 with that said. if what you were doing wasnt producing the result you hoped, then good lord STOP doing it. I completely agree. If she's stopped talking/communicating with you, then you have to do the same. Why would you want to be with someone who obviously wants nothing to do with you (right now)? You deserve better than that. -Mike- Link to comment
yo Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 with that said. if what you were doing wasnt producing the result you hoped, then good lord STOP doing it. take a long breather for awhile. compose yourself. and then try something new later. give her space though. if she is feeling overwhelmed with WHATEVER shes dealing with, give her time to miss you. try it. Here's the thing. It feels like a no-win situation: I try to do anything now, I turn out to be a psycho stalker ex who's needy and can't live without her If I take a time-off and continue with my NC, she might think that I don't care enough about her to fix the problem (problem that's there inside her head, which I have no clue about whatsoever. If I did, by lord, I would have done anything to fix it) and she might move on. Is that how it works?? Link to comment
yo Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 I completely agree. If she's stopped talking/communicating with you, then you have to do the same. Why would you want to be with someone who obviously wants nothing to do with you (right now)? You deserve better than that. -Mike- I was merely trying to put accross my point that women might expect the guys they dumped to do things, fix problems and win them back. But, we guys are really left with no options when they walk out on us and start acting cold!! Link to comment
spazmy Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Yo, Taking some time out (say four to five months or even six months to a year) before making the next contact can be helpful. People do not come back because we do not give them the space they need (or in some cases, make that space into a prison by imposing terms and expectations on NC). Taking time out means not being needy. The other person does not define you. That is an attractive quality. If not to women, to society at large in general. Because individuals who are self-complete are the ones who ultimately show their power as self fulfilled people. Try and see the logic in this. Those who will not come back will not come back. But YOU, most importantly, can go back to yourself. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 I was merely trying to put accross my point that women might expect the guys they dumped to do things, fix problems and win them back. But, we guys are really left with no options when they walk out on us and start acting cold!! You're worrying too much about what she wants/thinks. You need to detach from that mentality... Even if she wants you to be her "knight in shining armor," do you want someone that breaks up with you to do that instead of saying, "Hey, we have some problems we need to talk about/work out?" I certainly wouldn't... And if she moves on, she moves on. So will you! -Mike- Link to comment
musashi Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Men are, by nature, problem solvers, so they're more likely to try and fix what's wrong and prove it to their lost love. So true. And even during relationships, if there is a problem, I like to work on solving it. I work damn hard on that aspect. In all my previous LTR I eventually gave up on working out problems because I was the only one trying to solve the problems. My current ex is a totally different enigma. We had great chemistry, communication, etc. Our times together were bliss and we both knew we had found someone special. The breakup is due to basically something that I cannot fix: religion. I was starting to ease her into seeing how her obsession with her faith was not correct and actually damaging her and those around her. I was showing her how mentalists can perform the exact same things as her religion does. Showing her subliminals and whatnot to give her more to think about than what she was being told in church. Exposing her to other religions and ideas. I never criticized her faith or whatnot but I just tried to expand her mind in that area, hoping that something in her might click. It was a risky thing to do on my part but I felt I had to "fix" the situation before it became too much of a problem. I was too late, obviously. Her faith demands 100% commitment and she felt that because we did not share the same beliefs then we had no future. "Better to end it now than latter when it will hurt more" she said. Btw, her church is somewhat of a cult. I worry about her that I am going to read about them pulling a Jonestown or something one day. I have yet to post my story on here but am going to soon. Link to comment
Zorba Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 So Zorba, the women that you dumped, came back with you just doing NC or did you have to do things to make them change their mind?The ones I dumped, I went NC with them, pretty much on the spot. Not as a bad thing, but for them. One or two of them I still had fondness for and I couldn't reconcile using them as "friends" with that fondness. Yes it would have been nice to have them around, if even for ego purposes, or the fact I have never gone from one relationship to the other, but very very unfair on them. I presume you mean the ones that dumped me. They kept in contact, whether I went NC or not. Some a little, some a lot. They came back, but I did nothing strange or played any games with them. I just wouldn't take their crap of "friends", unless it was on my terms. Basically they lost the privilege of my friendship, the second they left. Unless I had them as proper girlfriend, I didn't want to know. Link to comment
yo Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 I presume you mean the ones that dumped me. Yes, that's what I meant Link to comment
yo Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 And if she moves on, she moves on. So will you! -Mike- Wow. I really want to get onto that phase. But, right now, I am still in the "I miss her", " I need her" phase Link to comment
poloplayer Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Great post. I think that's the absolute best way of handling the end of a relationship from both perspectives. Link to comment
thinkstoohard Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Great post. I think that's the absolute best way of handling the end of a relationship from both perspectives. I agree. I will certainly be handling any future break-ups this way. Link to comment
Zorba Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Easy to say mate, not so easy if you actually love them, God forbid. You wanna have a good, sexual, long term, fulfilling, relationship with a woman? Don't fall in love with her. Very bad plan. Link to comment
thinkstoohard Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 You wanna have a good, sexual, long term, fulfilling, relationship with a woman? Don't fall in love with her. Very bad plan. I meant if a relationship ends I will walk away and cut all ties immediately. That's all. Link to comment
poloplayer Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Easy to say mate, not so easy if you actually love them, God forbid. You wanna have a good, sexual, long term, fulfilling, relationship with a woman? Don't fall in love with her. Very bad plan. LOL, agreed again. The two girls that I have ever fallen for left me hanging. Gawd was I a wreck after the last one as she led me to this site years ago (not knocking the site). But I've honestly dated so many girls who really liked me/loved me, but honestly, I didn't love them at all. Just liked them as in they were cool and sex is always a good thing. Link to comment
yo Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 Easy to say mate, not so easy if you actually love them, God forbid. You wanna have a good, sexual, long term, fulfilling, relationship with a woman? Don't fall in love with her. Very bad plan. I agree to this one Zorba. Right now it feels like LOVE = HEARTBREAK Things are great till the point I am not attached. The day I start feeling for them, the day I fall in love with them, is the day I put myself at their mercy and let them royally screw me all over. All the girls that dumped me were the ones I had really fallen in love with!!! Link to comment
yo Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 Gawd was I a wreck after the last one as she led me to this site years ago (not knocking the site). Interesting. I came to this site after 5 year LTR breakup around pretty much the same time as you did. LOL Link to comment
poloplayer Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Interesting. I came to this site after 5 year LTR breakup around pretty much the same time as you did. LOL Ya, I'm good now, but this is a cool place, so why not make a name for myself! Link to comment
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