Male v/s Female Dumpers

[yo]

Hello my ENA friends,

 

I think this one is fairly short and simple. I've been through different types of relationships (LTR, rebound, LD etc..) and each time someone's dumped me, I've gone NC and each time I have never heard back from them. NEVER.

 

It's the same story with a couple of my guy friends. They haven't heard back from their exes as well. But, interestingly all the girls (my friends) have heard back from their ex bfs after doing NC for a while.

 

To summarize -

 

- Guy dumps a girl. She does NC. She ALWAYS hears back from her ex.

 

- Girl dumps a guy. He does NC. He NEVER hears back from his ex.

 

Any thoughts or comments?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Its all individual. There are no lines to be drawn between the sexes.

[Superfreak]

I thought a little about that too. I think in our society it's more the place for the guy to initiate everything and that carries over in to who breaks NC first.

[CreoUCLA]

 

- Girl dumps a guy. He does NC. He NEVER hears back from his ex.

 

My ex broke up with me, and she was the first to contact me after 2.5 weeks of NC. Then after I told her not to contact me anymore a couple months later (via e-mail), she sent me a birthday present/text a week later. She then e-mailed me a week after that.

 

I finally had to tell her last week that if she didn't know that I was what she wanted, she had to let me move on. I told her that she shouldn't contact me anymore.

 

So, "it depends..."

 

-Mike-

[love4life]

Men are, by nature, problem solvers, so they're more likely to try and fix what's wrong and prove it to their lost love. Once a woman is done with a man, though, she's DONE unless he can prove himself worthy again.

 

Of course, there are exceptions to these in both sexes, but I think GENERALLY, that would explain why you see these sorts of trends.

[Jackson123]

Once a woman is done with a man, though, she's DONE unless he can prove himself worthy again.

 

 

Explain that please. How does he prove his worthiness again?

[love4life]

Hey there Jackson123, from the situations I've seen where a woman dumps a man she can usually pinpoint what he's done wrong and will tell him so - wasn't caring enough, was emotionally abusive or distant, wouldn't make a bigger commitment, etc. If he can (or, rather, WANTS to) fix these things, and prove through his actions that he's changed, then she would probably take him back. I've seen many women dump men because she's "Given up", not because she doesn't love him any less.

 

It happened to me once in a LDR where I was doing all the work and I finally couldn't take it anymore and ended it. I hoped he would prove me wrong and show that he would try harder but, sadly, he never made the effort to show he cared.

[glimmerofhope]

Men are, by nature, problem solvers, so they're more likely to try and fix what's wrong and prove it to their lost love. Once a woman is done with a man, though, she's DONE unless he can prove himself worthy again.

 

This is consistent with most of what I have seen. Yes, there are anomalies, but generally speaking I think L4L has hit the trend spot on.

 

One of the differences between male and female dumpers that seems to go all but unacknowledged on these boards is the typical variation in support groups among the genders. Again, these are generalizations, but I don't think it's a stretch to say that men are, by nature, more likely to go it alone. Post-breakup, this means he's ruminating all by his lonesome, summoning that cold, hard male logic in an effort to understand the dynamics of what just took place. This takes time--time which can lead to a sense of longing for that which is no longer there, which in turn can lead to reconciliation overtures.

 

Women, by contrast, are far more likely to confide in their girlfriends following a breakup. They quickly and efficiently receive a bevy of emotional support that leads to much faster healing. Thus, for women, the "moving on" process tends to be far less painstaking than it is for their male counterparts. There's no time for this reminiscing on what used to be, or thinking about all of the good things from the relationship. The "moving on" simply takes place too fast to allow for any of that.

 

Not always the case, but according to my observations, it seems to be the way things fall out more often than not.

[emalkoc]

L4L, I am not sure I do agree with all you say. I have gotten all my ex'es in past even though I did not do much other than treat them as I dont care anymore. They came back. I did not have to prove anything...

 

IMO. most woman dumps guys when they found something they think better, grass greener. In other words, they get something going on the background to make sure, they are not alone. exceptions; abusive, adictions, cheater, etc...

[emalkoc]

I again disagree. My recent accounters: I dumped 2 woman for various reasons..

 

One has not recoved for 3 years now, everytime I see her she is still alone and angry towards me she is very smart, very attractive.....

 

The other one has not recovered for more than a year now. She is also very smart, attractive....

 

I tend to recover from losses pretty quickly even though this one took nearly 4 mos and there was legitimate reasons.

 

So it all depends on the situations and the persons...

[love4life]

Just to expand on that, I'd say that because men turn to logic so quickly, and to "getting busy" (I don't necessarily mean in the sexual sense) they gloss over the pain, and avoid their feelings. Yes, this can happen for women, too (I see it in my sister as she's just gotten divorced but simply states that she's "done" with her ex and that's that).

 

I don't know if we women heal "faster", since I've seen men move on more quickly, for the most part (look at widowers - much more likely to remarry soon after their wife's death than a widow is after her husband's death), but I think women heal more completely, because we tend to be more in touch with our emotions and feelings than men are, and are better equipped to feel the pain and mull over the details of the relationship.

[blindreepr]

IMO. most woman dumps guys when they found something they think better, grass greener. In other words, they get something going on the background to make sure, they are not alone.

 

this has been my experience and the experience of most of my guy friends. sometimes they have come back, sometimes they havent. I have yet to have an ex come back to me, but I have seen it happen to other guys. Usually they come back after a short period of time 1-3 months though and nothing has really changed during that period of time other than the womans emotions so my friends remain in dead end LTR's. All of these are first relationships I should point out also, it seems that the first LTR is always the hardest to get out of even if you know you should.

[love4life]

L4L, I am not sure I do agree with all you say. I have gotten all my ex'es in past even though I did not do much other than treat them as I dont care anymore. They came back. I did not have to prove anything...

 

IMO. most woman dumps guys when they found something they think better, grass greener. In other words, they get something going on the background to make sure, they are not alone. exceptions; abusive, adictions, cheater, etc...

 

Ahh, it was just the opposite for me recently. I got dumped due to the grass is greener syndrome....and within a few weeks he was dating someone else while I was still crying daily and trying to figure out how to get him back....

[emalkoc]

Just to expand on that, I'd say that because men turn to logic so quickly, and to "getting busy" (I don't necessarily mean in the sexual sense) they gloss over the pain, and avoid their feelings. Yes, this can happen for women, too (I see it in my sister as she's just gotten divorced but simply states that she's "done" with her ex and that's that).

 

I don't know if we women heal "faster", since I've seen men move on more quickly, for the most part (look at widowers - much more likely to remarry soon after their wife's death than a widow is after her husband's death), but I think women heal more completely, because we tend to be more in touch with our emotions and feelings than men are, and are better equipped to feel the pain and mull over the details of the relationship.

 

I agree that men can move on faster...Woman tend to wait little longer because they need emotional attachment...But at the end, my move on therapy is to date as much as I can

[glimmerofhope]

Please do not fall prey to the logical fallacy of extrapolating universal truths from personal experiences (i.e. "this happened to me, hence your logic fails).

 

I have already acknowledged that there are anomalies. My comments do not necessarily reflect my own experiences to the letter--in fact, they don't. I was merely noting what I perceived to be a trend in this particular arena.

[love4life]

I agree that men can move on faster...Woman tend to wait little longer because they need emotional attachment...But at the end, my move on therapy is to date as much as I can

 

And I will say that now that I've started dating again, it does help to let go. It's hard at first, but in the long run, it helps to rebuild your self-esteem. And, of course, falling for someone new is the LAST step in getting over the ex

[blindreepr]

I don't know if we women heal "faster", since I've seen men move on more quickly, for the most part (look at widowers - much more likely to remarry soon after their wife's death than a widow is after her husband's death), but I think women heal more completely, because we tend to be more in touch with our emotions and feelings than men are, and are better equipped to feel the pain and mull over the details of the relationship.

 

I think alot of this has to do with age and maturity. Most girls I have seen have always rebounded or engaged in self destructive behavior for a while after break ups while most guys I know have just drank themselves silly then engaged in self destructive behavior.

 

I think older women would be more likely to deal with the emotions and such responsibily and constructively than young girls (ages 18-24) and men will rebound quickly at an older age because well, we like being taken care of!

[emalkoc]

Ahh, it was just the opposite for me recently. I got dumped due to the grass is greener syndrome....and within a few weeks he was dating someone else while I was still crying daily and trying to figure out how to get him back....

 

same for man grass greener happened to me last year. here we go analyzing our exes behavior Xmas nite

 

I think if you wanna know your ex'es thoughts/feelings, wait for couple of days or weeks, and then knock his door..Ask him!

[blindreepr]

I think if you wanna know your ex'es thoughts/feelings, wait for couple of days or weeks, and then knock his door..Ask him!

 

ha! I could just see her expression and the door slamming in my face right now.

[glimmerofhope]

Perhaps the point here is that this whole deal cannot be split along gender lines. Seems like it's going to vary case-by-case.

 

The one thing that seems universal: this "grass is greener" thing. I've tried to engage others on these boards to take a more in-depth look at this trend.

 

Like, for example, how the heck do you avoid it?

[love4life]

I think alot of this has to do with age and maturity. Most girls I have seen have always rebounded or engaged in self destructive behavior for a while after break ups while most guys I know have just drank themselves silly then engaged in self destructive behavior.

 

I think older women would be more likely to deal with the emotions and such responsibily and constructively than young girls (ages 18-24) and men will rebound quickly at an older age because well, we like being taken care of!

 

Yeah, you make a good point - emotional maturity is the key thing here, and you could argue that men mature slower emotionally than women do (with exceptions, of course!), hence the original argument of this thread. After my first break-up (during college), I spent senior year getting wasted and hooking up. I didn't do that this time around (but I also haven't behaved that way in years, either, with one or two exceptions here and there).

[emalkoc]

you cannot! glimmerofhope

 

Even more mature of us get into grass greener scenario & there is something wrong in the relationship..

 

it is also the case people with HQ, over analyzing and looking for more fun...

 

but good family and friends AROUND are very important to stay away from Grass Greener...

[glimmerofhope]

Am I the only one who now feels like the only way to sustain a relationship these days is to be perfect?

 

It seems like as soon as our significant others discovered something in us which they perceived to be a flaw, it came time for them to start investigating other options (i.e., "clearly this person is not the one for me if x is wrong with them).

[love4life]

Perhaps the point here is that this whole deal cannot be split along gender lines. Seems like it's going to vary case-by-case.

 

The one thing that seems universal: this "grass is greener" thing. I've tried to engage others on these boards to take a more in-depth look at this trend.

 

Like, for example, how the heck do you avoid it?

 

Seriously! That's one thing you just don't know going into a relationship. Who's to know if this person is going to have doubts a few weeks, months or years down the line?

 

GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome) is something you find in people who have little sense of faith and who are unable to appreciate what they have but, rather, are always wanting what they do NOT have.

[love4life]

Am I the only one who now feels like the only way to sustain a relationship these days is to be perfect?

 

It seems like as soon as our significant others discovered something in us which they perceived to be a flaw, it came time for them to start investigating other options (i.e., "clearly this person is not the one for me if x is wrong with them).

 

This goes hand-in-hand with the instant gratification mentality that people have nowadays and the fact that both men and women have more options in life than what they traditionally had. It makes decision making much more difficult.