I need help bad... Advice anyone?

[robert7x]

This is kind of long... i'm sorry in advance... Hopefully someone will read it all.

 

I lived with my girl for about 7months... recently she moved back home to live with her Parents. Her Grandpa is really sick and he lives in Germany. She is flying there to be with him and only bought a one way ticket there.

 

Her reason for moving back to live with her parents was because she misses them and feels like she needs to be with them now. I'm a guy that is really sensitive when it comes to relationships. Everywhere else i'm strong and know how to handle a situation... any problem she had i helped her get thru it by supporting her and helping her in any way i could. However, this i don't know how to handle at all... I'm a total mess... not showing her that though... but i feel lonely and miserable and just don't think i can go on like this any more.

 

Since she moved back i gave her her space and didn't really call her unless she wanted me to... didn't bring up our situation at all... Every time we talked she said she loves me a lot and misses me. We talked every day and she sounded all ok...

 

Now, i don't know how to get thru this at all... I dont' know when and if i'll see her again... She said she'll be back and we'll see each other again... But it's just hard for me not knowing anything else... I keep thinking i'll never see her again and that this is all over.

 

I have no interest in anything at all... I used to like working on my car or going out with friends... but when i try any of that, i just have no interest and just want to sit and think... I hate going back to our apartment as i know she's not there and all her things are gone. I just want to know that she'll be back and that we will see each other again and be together.

 

I keep telling myself "just give it time, don't think about it, there is nothing you can do, it's all her decision now and she loves you" but then again i just feel misserable that there is nothing i can do...

Someone please tell me what can i do... She's leaving tonight for Germany and i know i'll talk to her again and I really bad want to ask her if i'll see her again soon and where do we stand with all this... but i feel like that will piss her off and stuff....

 

Please someone help me here... I hate feeling like this and i just don't know how to continue living my life feeling like this.

[dreamer0202]

Hi robert7x,

 

This sounds like a tough situation. But it sounds like she's already told you that she'll be back to the states again and she'll see you again, right? So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

There is one thing I've learned about goodbyes: it's better to make them good. Let her leave with a really great memory of you. Not one where the two of you are really upset with eachother, or you're discussing really serious things. Let her remember, when she leaves, how happy she is with you.

 

Is there any way you're able to visit her in Germany? Maybe in like a month, after you've given her some time to settle in? I'm sure she'd love that, and a month would seem like less time to wait. Long distance relationships are hard, but if you split up the time like this, it may seem like its easier to cope with.

 

The only other thing I can suggest is that when she's gone, you spend a lot of time with friends. Saying goodbye to someone is hard, but it can be torterous if you just sit at home all day thinking about it. Ask some of your friends to take you out and get your mind off of things. You may find yourself still thinking of her, but you really should let go a little and allow yourself to do some things you enjoy.

 

One of my favorite sayings is this: remember, your girlfriend is not the cake, she is the frosting on the cake. she is not your life, she's just a good part of your life. fill your life, while she's gone, with other things you like to do. when she comes back, your relationship will be stronger because you'll have gotten through this together.

 

Good luck!

[robert7x]

She said she'll be back... she doesn't know how long this will take though, but she wants to make sure her grandpa is good and spend some time with him.

 

I don't know about me going to Germany... I know she said she'll see how is everything there and then maybe she'll want me to see her there... I doubt this will happen beacuse i know her well enough but we'll see...

 

So you're saying i shouldn't ask anything, even though i know she knows more then she's telling me... at least I feel it... I should just let her go and wait to hear from her? She said when she get's there she'll text me when she can... but when she does How can i tell her that i'm there for her but without sounding all depressed and sad?

 

I went out with friends but i just didn't feel like doing anything... constantly thinking about her and missing her like crazy pretty much makes me depressed that i'm not in a mood for anything.

 

Thanks a lot for your Reply... it means a lot to me right now.

[wiser]

recently she moved back home to live with her Parents. Her Grandpa is really sick and he lives in Germany. She is flying there to be with him

 

Since she moved back

 

She's leaving tonight for Germany and i know i'll talk to her again and I really bad want to ask her if i'll see her again soon and where do we stand with all this... but i feel like that will piss her off and stuff.

 

You lost me. You said she "recently moved back to Germany. Followed by "Since she moved back [to Germany]", and then it was "she is leaving tonight for Germany".

 

Which is it?

[robert7x]

I'm sorry... it's actually 2 parts... She moved back to Texas because that's where her parents live and where she lived for the past 10years... she used to live here with me for 7months or so... I drove her back to texas with her car and all her things in it... spent 2 days there with her, She liked having me around there.

 

Her Grandpa and some other family live in Germany and that's who she is going to visit now... When she comes back to states, she'll come back to texas, but said she'll come to visit me here as soon as she comes back...

[robert7x]

Double post sorry.

[dreamer0202]

Even though spending time with friends doesn't help right now, it will make things easier later. I do think that the more time you spend improving other areas of your life and concentrating on everything else, the easier it will be to get your mind off of her in the future. But there is no quick fix for now. My psychologist always tells me though, that going through the motions sometimes is necessary in the beginning even if it doesn't feel better right away. You'll get there.

 

I'm not sure what talking to her again about this would accomplish. If she does know more, I doubt she'd say it now. She would've told you before. If she's not telling you her plans for the future and she knows them, she has a reason for it. You asked if you should just let her go and wait to hear from her... I'm not sure you have any other option, honestly. You have to let her go, because that's a decision she's made for herself. When you meet her tonight, I would tell her how much you care for her, how you want her to be careful travelling and be safe in Germany, how you'll worry about her when she's gone and hope she's okay, and how she should remember that you love her and care about her so much and that if she needs anything while she's gone, she can call you for anything. Let her know that you understand she needs to do this, and that you will give her the space she needs while she's adjusting. And that while you will think about her every day, you will be fine.

 

I used to date a guy that made me feel like if I wasn't around, he wouldn't be okay. It made me feel claustrophobic and trapped. And the truth is, he was okay when I was gone. He just had to learn how to be okay with himself. And because I had so much pressure to be his everything - because nothing else seemed to make him happy but me - I couldn't handle it anymore and ended up leaving him. I don't know how your girlfriend feels about you. I cared very much for my ex boyfriend. But when we broke up, he had the opportunity to fill his life with other things that made him happy and he learned how to be happy and alone. And then when he was whole on his own, and not looking for love, he found a great girl and they have a great relationship.

 

So if I were you, I'd take this time to make the other parts of my life really good. I'd tell her, when I heard from her in Germany, about how good other things were going and how I missed her but I was doing fine.

 

I hope this makes sense and you don't take it offensively. Like I said before, I don't know how your girlfriend feels or what she's like. I only know my own experience in what sounds like a similar situation.

[robert7x]

Thank you very much... Your words are exactly what i needed at this time... I think she felt trapped while we were leving together as well... She didn't have friends here, they were all in her state or somewhere else, and i was the only person she spent time with, except at work and when we went out as well, we had some friends that went with us.

 

I know she still loves me and has feelings for me otherwise she would have ended it right before she left...

 

I will take your advice as far as when i talk to her before she leaves and when i hear from her while away.... The only other thing that i need to learn is how to stop thinking about that it's all over and that she'll forget me and stuff like that... How can i do that? There is nothing i can do either way, but my mind and thoughts are really driving me insane.

 

I just feel like the whole world is ending for me with her... I feel like i'll never find anyone else after her... and pretty much i don't want anyone but her. We have the b-day on the same day, only different year, we are alike in some things yet different in others and we had great time together... I really don't want to loose her... but I KNOW, i can't do anything now, but just wait...

 

Do you think when she comes back... she'll want to see me again?

 

Thank you again for your reply... you're telling me everything exactly what i needed at this point.

[wiser]

She chose her family over you. I gather that you would not have done the same. At the very least it shows that the feelings you two have for each other are unbalanced. At worst, she's using the family matters as an excuse to make the break.

 

Unfortunately, the fact that she didn't break it off with you before she left means nothing. Most "leavers" don't have the courage to be upfront with the one who is being left. She make just be taking the easy way out.

[robert7x]

Trust me, i thought of that too... I thought that maybe she just needs time and all to actually forget me so she can end it...

 

But why would she still continue calling me and telling me she loves me, misses me, wants to be with me and all that... I know her enough and her past relationships when she wanted to end it... she ended it... Maybe i just don't want to believe that... I just don't want it to be over...

[dreamer0202]

Robert,

 

I think you really need to learn to trust that when she tells you how she feels, she's telling the truth. She tells you that she loves you and misses you. If you, feeling the way you do about her, went off to Europe for awhile, would you forget about her? Of course not! When I went on vacation with my family did I forget about my boyfriend? Of course I didn't! Distance makes the heart grow fonder! She says as soon as she comes back to the states she will visit you right away. She obviously misses you! I'm sure she will think about you just as much as you think about her.

 

It sounds like you just need to relax! Don't let your insecurity and mistrust in her feelings ruin a good thing between the two of you. I know a lot of people on this forum don't believe in trust anymore. A lot of people have been hurt, and have learned how to guard themselves from it happening again. But the only way to love, in my opinion, is to trust that what she says is true. Yes, you may get hurt along the way. But loving is a risk! And its well worth it when you find the right person. It doesn't sound like you have a reason to be so worried.

 

I used to feel like you did in my current relationship. But what is all of this worrying getting you, anyway? If things go awry while she's in Germany because she forgot about you, there is nothing you could've done to prevent it. My point is, the only thing that you can do is let her remember the good times with you, have really good talks with eachother while she's gone, and wait for her to come home. Nothing is going to make today or tomorrow or the next any better. You will think about her and be upset that she's gone. But if you trust that she loves you and cares about you, then things will only get better for the two of you. Let yourself be excited about the future the two of you have in store - not worried. If you're not optimistic about the future of your relationship, trust me, she will know it even when you're not saying it out loud.

 

And if you love her and care for her so much, and she loves you and thinks about you, you really don't have anything to be pessimistic about!

[robert7x]

Worrying doesn't get me anything other the problems, headaches and no sleep. I know she'll think about me and miss me too while away, but the only reason i'm going thru all this is, why not just go visit your parents and then go visit your grandpa in Europe... why did she need to move back to Texas to live with her parents?

 

When i asked her this... she said at the time that's what she thought she needed to do...

 

Everything you are saying, you are apsolutely right 100%. The problem is i have no reason not to trust her, but i think my previous relationship that i was in made me so screwed up because she cheated on me couple of times and i was stupid in taking her back... This girl i'm with is nothing like her and would never cheat... she would rather break-up with me then cheat on me.

 

As i'm writing this i just got a test message from her saying she's leaving to go to airport and she loves me a lot... she'll call me when she gets in the plane...

 

I just need to take the damn Chill Pill and relax... and just let the time take it's course and bring whatever it needs to bring... All this i'm saying yet, i know that i'll worry constantly about everything, i'll be sad and depressed because she's not here with me and it will just plain old suck.

 

Thanks again dreamer0202. You have no idea how much you helped me so far.

[dreamer0202]

No problem! There's no doubt it will be hard, but you should remind yourself to trust in her feelings for you. She seems smitten with you.

 

You can always PM me if you need someone to talk to. I'm on this thing all the time reading! Oh, and have a good holiday! Spend time with the people you love and send her a text message telling her you love her. Again, good luck with everything.

[robert7x]

Thank you very much. I wish i had a friend like you here... IT would make things a lot easier on me...

 

Another little problem i have is one of the friends i like going out... is actually a old female friend that my Girl never liked... She keeps thinking that she's hitting on me and all that stuff... I think now i would really like to hang out with her and all that, but i can't tell her that because she'll think i'll cheat on her or something...

 

But if i do go out with her and not tell her, it will be this thing that will end up worst then ever... plus i don't like lying or hiding stuff from her...

 

Thanks again... have a nice holiday as well and a happy New Year... hopefully everything will turn out ok next year... if i'm having any issues or something... i'll sure pm you if you don't mind.

 

Robert

[dreamer0202]

It sounds like your girlfriend needs some help in the trust department too But I'll be honest with you, and I'm not sure this is the best way to handle it, if I were you, I'd wait on hanging out with the friend for a little while. My boyfriend and I try to deal with one thing at a time. If she's feeling insecure about your relationship with your friend, it would probably be better to deal with it when she's back in town. I'm not sure why she doesn't like her, but maybe you can encourage her to come with you to hang out with her sometime. In the meantime, long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, I wouldn't try and pile on everything else. Know what I mean? I would at least give your girlfriend time to get adjusted overseas before you bring up other problems you want to talk about.

 

And I don't need to be there to be a friend! You can PM me, or we can email or whatever. Don't worry, you'll get through all of this totally FINE.

[robert7x]

Thanks again... I'll do that... One thing at a time... Hopefully i'll be able to email you soon telling you that i saw her and we are good again...

 

I think i feel ok today... but we'll see tomorrow and other days... Be sure to expect my Pm...

 

Thank you very much for everything

[robert7x]

UPDATE:

 

I find out by talking to her mom that there is nothing wrong with her grandpa or anything like that... She just told them that she wants to go to Germany and doesn't know when she'll be back... She's under a lot of stress (which is Pretty BS to me) and needs to relax. Didn't tell them why is she going there or how long she'll stay or anything.

 

When she moved to my state to be with me... she told them that she's leaving and that's it... didn't tell them the reason why or anything. All this is very very fishy to me... New years is coming and all that crap and she's in Germany with god knows who and doing god knows what.

 

I just keep thinking that she probably has someone over there and now wants to go live there and try it with that guy. I just don't understand why keep me on the edge like this... telling me loves me, misses me all that crap and then lie stuff like this just to go over there etc.

 

As of last night i felt like Crap... I haven't heard from her since the text message that she arrived... Frankly, i know she'll text me because she'll need something pretty soon, but i don't think i'll want to answer or anything like that. I can't fight with her over the text messages and stuff... I need to know the reason she lied and text messaging isn't going to get me that answer.

 

I had hopes that she'll be back and everything will be fine again... but now... it doesn't look like it at all... I mean when she left she took 2 suitcases and stuff... so i don't think she'll stay there permanetly at least not now... but with the friends there and most of them guys that she calls like family... you never know there could be sparks and love.

 

I'm just in so much pain and can't do anything right anymore... It hurts like hell and this is the second girl that pretty much destroyed my life.

 

Anyone has any advice or thoughts on the situation...

[NewPhillyGuy]

UPDATE:

 

I find out by talking to her mom that there is nothing wrong with her grandpa or anything like that... She just told them that she wants to go to Germany and doesn't know when she'll be back... She's under a lot of stress (which is Pretty BS to me) and needs to relax. Didn't tell them why is she going there or how long she'll stay or anything.

 

 

OK, so I think it's probably fair to say that no one really knows what's going on with this girl. Here are the facts. She lied to you. She's leaving you. She's going very far away. She bought a one-way ticket. This is all the information you need about this situation. It's time for you to act based upon this information.

 

If I were you, I'd feel extremely bitter and depressed myself. My ex fiancee walked out on me one day and never came back. I could go on and on hypothesize about what you girl is up to, make assumptions about her, somehow find parallels between my experience and yours, but it's not at all helpful to you, so I'm not going to do it. Your post strikes some emotional notes with me too. I know how it feels to look back, and wonder why you keep getting emotionally destroyed by people. In my life, three girls totally wrecked me. Each relationship was worse than the previous. I just broke up with a girl who started to play games and distance herself from me. Some days, it feels like I will never meet someone, but let's be objective together here.

 

Now is the time for you to take care of you. Your girl is leaving you and you can do nothing about it. The only thing you can do is pick up your pieces and move on with your life. You cannot control her, but only yourself. Allow yourself to process the emotions you are feeling. When you are ready, you will move past this and it will get better. I promise you this.

 

Remember the rule of NO CONTACT.

 

Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk - anytime. My friends got me through my last major heartbreak. I would have not gotten through it so well and stayed so strong without their support.

[robert7x]

Thanks Bud... I feel exactly like you sometimes... My biggest worry is that i wasted another year on a relationship that had no end... Wasted a lot of money and time and all other stuff hoping it will lead to something and now all this happened.

 

I talk to my friends constantly and the only time i actually go to OUR apartment is to sleep over because i can't stand being in there. Everything reminds me of her and i just wish she was there...

 

I know i'm supposed to take care of myself and say screw it all, but at this moment i dont feel like doing anything at all... I'm just afriad that i will end up alone and never have anyone to spend the good and bad times with... I love being in a relationship and having someone to come home to and all that nice stuff, yet every time i get that, i loose it very quickly... I'm 25 years old and i just feel like time is slipping away and i'm getting too old...

[robert7x]

My Friends and my parents are telling me that she's making an idiot out of me... and i should just forget her and move on... Her imature actions in leaving this way to have some fun time in another country and leaving me by myself just isn't fair at all...

 

However, i still can't let go... I received a text message from her saying that she's ok and she's "there" (i don't know where there is) and that she loves me etc. I didn't reply nor did i want to... I stoped going to facebook or myspace because i know i'll just look at her profile and stuff...

 

I just keep thinking that she's probably happy with someone else now and is just keeping me as the backup or some other crap... I'm so heartbroken and am feeling like biggest Sh!t it's unbelivable. I just want to stop thinking about it and not try to think about her or anything like that... I'm trying to do some stuff and act busy but I CAN'TTTTT. Anything, i mean anything at all reminds me of her and all the plans we made together and stuff....

 

I Don't know what to do... Why is it so hard... why am i always going thru this... I'm just afriad that i'll never find anyone again... I just want the pain to go away....

[robert7x]

Today is the 5th day since she left... She only texted me once... i didn't reply to her or tried to text her at all...

 

All night i kept waking up and thinking about how i lost her and how she's probably happy with someone else there... just living it up and partying like crazy...

 

These thoughts are driving me insane... i actually felt like my head is going to explode from the pain... i tried thinking about something else, but anything i tried to think of, it just brought her back in my thoughts...

 

It's only day 5 and there is a lot more to go... I understand why some people take the easy way out and just try to end their life when something like this happens because even though we all know it's not really the END, but it sure as hell feels like it today....

[wiser]

.

 

It's only day 5 and there is a lot more to go... I understand why some people take the easy way out and just try to end their life when something like this happens because even though we all know it's not really the END, but it sure as hell feels like it today....

 

Look on the bright side. You have accepted it's over. Many people would be waiting by the phone, or posting here that they are wondering why they haven't heard from the person.

 

Since you jumped right past the denial stage of grief, hopefully your healing will be faster. It does get easier, and less painful (even though you can't believe that now) but it will take some time.

[robert7x]

I don't think i have accepted it just yet... i still look at my cell hopeing for something... I'm just trying really hard not to think about what she's up to and who is she with right this moment... But it's stronger then me, it's still in me and the thoughts are on my mind constantly.

 

The New Year is right around the corner and knowing that she'll be somewhere with someone... probably getting drunk and doing god knows what... and i will be feeling like crap and not wanting to do anything at all, just makes me mad.

 

I guess what i'm really trying to understand here... how can one person be in love and then just say it's over and move on... yet another person is left to suffer and goes thru these stages of sadnes, depression and everything else just to get to the point where they actually feel ok. Why aren't we all like that then?

[Sketch]

how can one person be in love and then just say it's over and move on... yet another person is left to suffer and goes thru these stages of sadnes, depression and everything else just to get to the point where they actually feel ok.

There are many possible reasons.

The person who leaves without any pain might have someone else waiting for them.

 

A quick transition from one relationship to another is much easier than the pain of being committed to a relationship one day and the next day realize you are alone without your SO and without any immediate prospects.

 

She might be testing the waters of a new relationship, with a new guy, meanwhile she is stringing you along because if things don't work out with Mr. New-guy she can come right back to you as plan B.

 

 

Other possible reasons for leaving quickly could be:

She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and realized she could no longer have sex with you without infecting you, so she decided to travel to a distant country where her mind was at peace and she could still maintain contact with you...

She has not been in love for a long time now...

She was feeling abused/neglected...

She is cruel and cowardly...

She realized she is gay and thought, "Germany sounds like a nice place to start a new life"...

She works for the CIA as an international spy and she is currently away on a work assignment, but she cannot disclose this information to you without a major security breach...

Death of a close friend or relative and she wanted to re-evaluate her life by trying some major life changes...

She wanted to get away and experience the freedom of making reckless choices one last time because she is deeply, deeply in love with you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you, but she is afraid of looking back on missed opportunities - like running off to Germany without an SO or children or career that can tell her "no"...

 

Etc. , etc.

[robert7x]

There are many possible reasons.

The person who leaves without any pain might have someone else waiting for them.

 

A quick transition from one relationship to another is much easier than the pain of being committed to a relationship one day and the next day realize you are alone without your SO and without any immediate prospects.

 

She might be testing the waters of a new relationship, with a new guy, meanwhile she is stringing you along because if things don't work out with Mr. New-guy she can come right back to you as plan B.

 

 

I think you might be right on this one... But none of that helps me really... I'm sure she feels great and all, but i sure as hell don't. Saturday night and i don't feel like going anywhere... I just miss her damn it... I'm trying tu surpress these feelings and i just can't... I love her a lot and i miss her so damn much... I'm so weak i hate it... I can't take this pain at all.