I'm so frustrated and confused about my orientation...

[Rigel]

Hello,

 

I am here because I have posed the same question to my family and closest friends but they don't seem to understand. Where to begin? I've always defined myself as a heterosexual but I don't feel like a normal straight individual. I don't particularly like physical intimacy or desire it much. Because of this, my last relationship suffered. I wanted to talk more and he wanted to get busy. It felt awkward and uncomfortable when my ex wanted to be physically intimate. Since then I've had a lot of opportunities with great guys pass me by because I backed off the moment they wanted intimacy.

I can't understand what's wrong with me. I'm attracted to men and I've had crushes in the past. I've talked to my family about it and they say I haven't met the right guy. I've even talked to my college counselor about and she asked if I was possible a closet lesbian or bisexual. I'm not attracted to women so that couldn't be the case.

I'm 20 years old and assumed I would have figured this out by now. I wonder sometimes if I could be asexual or maybe just an aversion to sex?

 

I'm very confused so any advice would be great. Thanks for taking the time to read!

 

~Rigel

[rocio]

These questions might be too personal so don't feel obligated to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable:

 

Do you masterbate? If so, do you fantasize? If so, do you fantasize about men, women or both?

[kevinm]

Well, simply put if you are not attracted to women then you're not bisexual or a lesbian. Not sure why you would title this thread the way you did, but regardless...

 

As for your lack of libido, well, everyone is different. Maybe it will just take a guy who has a little more patience with women. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Most women peak closer to 30. I'd not worry too much... when love comes along you'll know.

 

-Kevin

[1maineac]

Bless your heart. I must admit this post made me turn my head slightly to the left-kinda like a dog that's seen something but isn't quite sure what.

 

Nowhere is it written that you have to be sexually active, period, paragraph, page, close the book.

 

When you say you have an aversion to intimacy-do you mean kisses or more intimate stuff?

 

Do you mind being hugged, by either sex? Do you mind being inadvertently touched by humans? Can you explain exactly how it feels when you are touched...what I mean is does it hurt, physically?

[Rigel]

 

When you say you have an aversion to intimacy-do you mean kisses or more intimate stuff?

 

Do you mind being hugged, by either sex? Do you mind being inadvertently touched by humans? Can you explain exactly how it feels when you are touched...what I mean is does it hurt, physically?

 

Kissing is alright but once it gets to full make out session I'm done. Yeah, anything more intimate than that also is a no go.

I don't mind being hugged by people I know and I'm close to although hugging by the opposite sex makes me feel a bit weird sometimes. I had this guy friend who would surprise me by hugging me at the most random times and I didn't care for that.

What it feels like? I feel uncomfortable like I want them to stop immediately. Sometimes I feel kind of scared too, like I want to run away.

[ebizdiva]

You're 20 and you assumed you would have figured it out by now? I can show you plenty of people 10 years, 20 years, 40 years, 60 years your senior and THEY haven't figured it out by now. So don't be so hard on yourself!

 

Your young. I tend to agree with your family. I don't see your problem as being confused with your orientation at all, especially since you are not attracted to women. Have you considered that the men or man that you have been with just simply didn't provide enough foreplay?

 

Many, many, many women are turned off being with men who just basically want to do it and nothing else. You're young so you are still learning what you like and what you dislike. As you become more aware of what you want, need and expect in bed that will take you a long way towards getting it.

 

Also keep in mind that the guys you are dealing with are young. It may be more important for them to do just do a girl instead of giving her any intimacy. What you want is intimate as a part of sexual intercourse. It's the kissing, hugging, touching that is involved that you're missing. Believe me you're not the first woman and you won't be the last.

 

This thread reminds me of The Color Purple, "He just gets on top of me and does his business." How do you fix this problem? Finding the right guy. The right guy, hopefully your husband, who really loves you will take his time, ooh that reminds me of a song, "I like a man with a slow hand." I digress but I think you get the point!

 

Take care.

 

Sharifah