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being good looking can screw you up


real amour
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Hello. I became quite the hot number at around 16 (now 36) with a mouth to match. Once, I had like 15 guys ask me to dance once at this soirée. Being good looking allowed me to attract lots of men (not always good) but also allowed me to go for lots of men (not always good). Hence, the sheer amount of volume whether for fun, romance or even friendship, got me confused and I didn't always end up happy (much like I am now). I even wanted to be ugly and think I chose my husband because I didn't want to go among the lions.

 

Problems occurred such as I went for 'friends' with whom I felt no pressure but I was too much for them or men would fall for me instantly then just ignore me (this really hurt), or guys who had nothing to lose would ask me out and I wasn't attracted to them, etc. Just wondering if anybody else would like to share any stories, problems or patterns they have had because of their good looks or somebody else's, and how this has affected your quest for happiness with a man or woman. Thanks.

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Like you, I've dated all the best-looking guys since I was 16, and now I'm 37. I've had a good marriage now for 12 years, but things have changed in the past three months. My husband is absolutely wonderful, but he's only above-average looking. This makes it difficult when absolutely heart-stoppingly gorgeous men make a move on me. I've always been faithful, so far, but it's getting more difficult. Last month at a male strip show in Vegas, a 26-year-old male dancer, who has been on the COVER of playgirl, wanted to take me home with him for an hour. (I didn't go, but the memory of that offer will keep me warm when I'm 70.) More importantly, my old boyfriend is now trying with all his might to get me back. It's been 13 years since we dated, he never married because he 'never found anyone' like me, and it's very difficult because he is the most beautiful man on the face of the earth. Just the thought of him makes me weak, and it would be truly amazing to spend the rest of my life with such a gorgeous and sensitive creature. (The reason we broke up all those years ago is because he was afraid of me, that he had never felt such strong feelings before.) I'm still struggling with this situation - stay in a good relationship with very little passion, or follow my heart's desire and make the most of my life. So this is my experience of being able to date anyone I want. You're right, it can definitely get you into trouble.

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Hello everafter. So why did you marry your husband? Tell me about this passion stuff, highs and lows. Do you have children? I have 2 little ones and now realize I married my man I think because of security and comfort, maybe to get away from men really. Do you think some men were scared of you because of your looks? Are you scared of your own power? Thanks.

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I feel really vain talking about this, but...I have a few experiences of my own. I'm 23 and my looks began to change (for the better) around 18.

At first the braces came of and the acne cleared of...so it was a long road..lol...I was constantly stared at and noticed not only by men..but women. The women either look at me with admiration or envy. This made it REALLY hard to meet friends. To this day I have maybe 2 REAL female friends. I have others in my life however who will go out with me to help them attract men or use me to go on a double dates with her, just so the guys SHE wants to go with will come along. When we do go out she gets upset whenever no guys approach her and demands to go home. I am now in a fairly serious relationship so i avoid going out with her. I find myself trying to dress down or look less attractive when I go out with others to avoid attention. My boyfriend is another story.( he is also an average looking guy) He is absolutely infatuated with the way I look, which is great,but assumes THAT everything on this planet wants to be with me! He hates the fact that I work with people all day and I want to travel. So whenever we go out he can't keep his hands off me so everyone knows I'm with him. Even though i have been with him for the past 2 years..men from my past will not seem to go away...and the stares and constant "pick up lines" where ever I go..has become very redundant...

So i must agree..it is not easy being attractive...but there are some days i wouldn't trade it in for the world!! LoL

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Hi, real amour. I married my husband because I knew he would be a great husband, as opposed to most men I dated who I knew were great boyfriends but would be lousy husbands. You know, a great boyfriend always wears the right clothes, is so beautiful that women stare at him, has a "cool" job (photographer, hair stylist) that probably wouldn't support a family. A great husband is always there when you need him, probably wouldn't attract a lot of female attention so there's no threat, and has a good, steady job. I definitely married for security and comfort, as you did.

 

We don't have children, we were supposed to start trying to get pregnant next year. But with the doubts I've been having lately, I've put that off and we probably won't have any.

 

You asked about patterns, and one disturbing pattern I've seen is that when I dated a man who is average-looking, suddenly other women are attracted to him. They figure I must be with him for a reason, right?

 

Also, I never realized it until I read what Keisha wrote, but I do dress down and wear less makeup if I'm with certain female friends who I know are threatened by my looks.

 

I never knew until recently that some men were afraid of me because of my looks. I'd written earlier that my old boyfriend, the love of my life, is trying to get me back after 12 years. As stunningly beautiful as he is, I cannot imagine he feels the same way about me. But he never married because he never found anyone else who compared to me. At this point I know he's just infatuated, because he doesn't even know me anymore. But still, just knowing he was so terrified of the feelings he had for me is something I never knew.

 

You ask if I'm scared of my own power. I've got to laugh, but it's true - it really is a "power", isn't it?! It comes from the confidence I have because of my looks. I've never taken advantage of anyone personally with that power. I've only used it innocently to get better seats at a show, or to get the best of most situations, really.

 

As for the passion, well, that's my problem currently. I've always dated older men, as they are the ones who really appreciated me as a woman. So my husband is twelve years older than me, he's 49. Meanwhile, I'm still getting hit on by gorgeous 20-something men and the temptation is killing me. Anyway, as I was saying the passion is missing from my marriage. It's not that my husband takes me for granted really, it's that the excitement of that first kiss, of a new body, is over. And years of having sex the same way every time has really turned me off. We went to a counselor who suggested we spice it up in bed, but of course I have to get motivated to do that in the first place. I've always been a very sensual person, and the thrill for me is in enticing someone. With just a look, a smile, or sometimes even by ignoring a man, I can get him to want me. That game is over when you're married and I miss it. Then again, the counselor explained that all the wonderful attributes of marriage have a trade-off, and for me that trade-off is variety. So I need to get my head in the right place.

 

Lately I think to myself that if something happened to me that destroyed my looks, my husband would stand by me. I'm pretty sure my old boyfriends would not. That gives me something to think about.

 

Let me know your thoughts!

 

Janice

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Hi,

 

I must say im quite young but i enjoyed reading all of the replies on here and its so good to know that people that are fortunate looking are not getting bashed for a change!!

 

Ive read other posts on here with people saying that good looking people (women mainly) use their looks to get them places and that basically 99% of them have no personaltiies!?? i dont know if you have seen such posts,but i found it quite disturbing that people were judging people on the way they look,but yet didnt like it when it was the other way around.Personally i think that the way somebody is,as a person,is from their character and not by the way they look,would you agree?

 

Im glad i found this post,and by the sounds of it you are all beautiful women who have lovely charcaters too so go girls!!

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Buffalosoldier, I loved your post! I've never, ever talked about the problems and advantages of being attractive, and I really had to think about it. It certainly is interesting, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I just love this site and finding people who share the same experiences!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello, I'm an ugly man and i have the completely opposite problem.

 

Not only are women forced to judge me on my character, often times my character is so overwhelming they choose not to deal with it at all.

 

Admittedly, i am a very confident and slightly arrogant man - i keep to myself, spend a lot of time alone, depend on only myself - but the truth is i do feel that i do need company sometimes. Sure, being a solitary guy is nice but it is hard being unattractive. I dont get free meals, women don't treat me to movies, and when i dance at clubs, everyone leaves the dance floor. My dating pool is quite selective though. Instead having to wade through a huge selection of candidates, i normally stick to women who are interested in going out with me. One of its few perks. Overall though, being ugly isn't as glamorous as you might think. The isolation its puts upon you can be inconvinient.

 

Sometimes i wish to be pretty... or have a lot of money. I guess i'll have to stick with character and talent. I got plenty of time to work on talents - what with the dating thing out of the picture and all.

 

godspeed to all the pretty boys and girls.

 

 

estevan carlos benson

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  • 3 weeks later...

When I was younger, I was just the biggest dork there ever was... I kept to myself, and was really quiet... Not many friends, no girls, ever... So I got used to it... I looked totally dorky, and when I look at old pictures, it drives me nuts. Around maybe 19-20, somehow I blossomed... I hate to say it, but I look good. And now at 22, probably look better than I ever have... But for some reason, I still have this complex... I know Im still kinda dorky... Im afraid of how girls react... Ive been on dates, and they never work, because I can't express myself in the way that I want to... I have some sort of problem to where it makes it hard for my real personality to come out in front of people... I can at bars, when Im drunk and singing karaoke, but other times it can be hard... It is hard, cause I see all these girls looking at me, but I get scared of rejection, and do nothing about it... and I have this friend, who has to be the best girl in the world, and she considers me one of her better friends... But because of a lack of personality, she never wants to be more than friends... I almost think that before I blossomed, I had more dates... I wasn't as self concient about things... I am at a point in my life where Im confused, and really don't know what to do with myself... I wish I could figure things out, but I don't know how... I wish I could fix it all!

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  • 6 years later...

When I was in my teens and twenties, I used to have total strangers coming up to me and telling me that I was the most beautiful girl they'd seen in a very long time etc etc etc. However, I was very screwed up emotionally, and attracted some real b******s of blokes. One thing that I discovered about many beautiful, vain men was that they had zero personality. Not all, though!

 

These days I'd say that chemistry, personality, sense of humour and interests in common are far more of a turn-on than looks. I still get hit on by good-looking fellas, but looks alone are nowhere near enough. I'd guess that most men would feel the same about women who look gorgeous ... and have nothing else to offer.

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I imagine being very physically attractive is a double edged sword. People are constantly trying to get you into bed, and so you never really know who is being honest or not. I imagine there are quite a few attractive people out there who are also very isolated. I've known a few very good looking people who never developed any kind of personality because they never had to!

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It hasn't been a problem for me personally, as my looks are somewhere between average and pretty.

 

It makes me think of my first serious bf though. He was a stunner. One the Greeks would have worshiped back in the day. And he got a lot of attention for his looks, heard it all his life.

 

He'd get insecure a lot about it though. Which seemed weird to me at the time. I remember one time, a while after we'd been together and there was love and intimacy there, trust, he plain old asked me whether there was anything I loved about him other than his looks. That he was afraid of being treated like a piece of meat. I thought it was joking and it wasn't. He did seem to attract a lot of predatory types, hanging around to try and use him (and not just women but gay men too!). He developed this really blunt personality that could sometimes be quite harsh.

 

So yeah I guess it does make you realize that good looks don't solve all problems. And create some of their own sometimes.

 

How are you nowadays? Did you use it to grow stronger? It sounds like different challenges maybe but also a chance to get some insights that might not come as clear for some others.

 

just thinking out loud here.

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Well, I think I have been on both sides.

 

I have been told that I'm pretty by men...but in my family, I have been compared to my mom and sister, who are supposedly hot and prettier than I am.

 

On one hand, I feel like SOME guys I am interested in are intimidated by me. I feel like they tend to think I'm a snob (at least that's what I've been told). I also feel like they only like me for my looks or image, but when I dress in casual clothes or wear my comfortable pajamas (which is most of the time), they get upset. My ex liked my natural looks (and said I was "hot") but as time went on, he made me feel like the world's biggest slob because I hardly wear make-up or high heels. I'm very low maintenance but I stay clean and objectively think I'm maybe a 6 on a 1-10 scale. I tend to be attracted to really cute or slighly above average guys and so far, I guess I honestly haven't been outright rejected too much...

 

But there was this guy in middle school that thought I was ugly. The thing was, HE was really homely but for some reason I was very attracted to him. He told me that I was a "dog" and that no one would EVER like me. He even threw rocks at me and used to make barking noises. It didn't help that I was really shy, had acne, and was an academically nerdy student. Ever since then, I have felt bad about myself.

 

Also, my relatives compare me to my sister. They tell her she's beautiful (she is...I mean like a model) right in front of my face. They say nothing to me. My grandma even says "Well, you're cute..." to me but then when she sees my sister, she says she's stunning. My mom is also stunning. I get scared for my dates to meet my mom and sister because they will most likely find them hotter than me.

 

So I just have to go with my own opinion. I think I'm relatively attractive but not a model and definitely not as hot as some women. Some would find me unattractive because I'm somewhat overweight and I don't dress all glammy and femmy. I'm not complaining because I like my looks well enough.

 

But I know the feelings society can induce and it sucks.

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