Discussing Greener Pastures

[glimmerofhope]

Okay, folks...here's your chance. I have noticed a great many posters on here have indicated some frustration about an otherwise great relationship ending because the significant other "loved, but was not in love", "lost the spark", "didn't feel the same passion anymore", or any of a host of other, similar reasons. They left ostensibly with the purpose of recreating that "spark" with someone else--i.e, seeking out the "greener pasture"--because how could we be the right one for them if it wasn't there any longer?

 

To that end, I was hoping to hear different impressions on the validity of this sort of rationale. I have put forth the opinion that there is no long-term healthy relationship that includes a perpetual state of euphoria. I have spoken with several couples I know who have been married thirty-plus years, and have read testimonials from similarly situated couples. Unanimously, they said that at some point during their relationship, they lost the ever-popular "spark", but stuck through the relationship because they recognized the value of other factors--among them devotion, loyalty and companionship. Because those other factors were in place, they said that the spark eventually returned--again, EVERY TIME.

 

Thoughts? How pervasive is the "greener pastures" phenomenon? Where does it leave us?

[melrich]

I have put forth the opinion that there is no long-term healthy relationship that includes a perpetual state of euphoria.

 

I think your starting point is wrong. I'm not sure that people come to the "greener pastures" solution because there is no longer the euphoria. I think often it's just a realisation that the relationship is not right for them and they don't ever see it being right.

 

they recognized the value of other factors--among them devotion, loyalty and companionship. Because those other factors were in place

 

That's more the key. Often those things are simply NOT in place for one party in the relationship, whether the spark is gone or not.

[CatsMeeoow]

There was some study somewhere a few years back and it talked about the percentage of couples who were thinking about divorce or having hard times and then 5 yrs later saying they were glad they stuck it out.... It was a pretty high number... if I remember right.

[Zeter]

I'm afraid to answer this in any detail, because it may descend into blaming myself for her departure. There is therapy in taking the position that she did what she did, and that's the end of it, and get on with improving my own lot without regard for her.

 

That aside, greener pasture phenomena will always be around. So...keep yourself very green, and don't let any dysfunctional cows through your gate from here on out.

 

Zeter

[-BK-]

Dude, you and I are twins. I've done a lot of talking with long-term couples looking for answers. I agree with everything you are saying. Couples need to learn how NOT to give up so easily. My parents have been together for a long time and they even say there are days where you aren't euphoric, but that never outweighs the fact that you have someone who supports you through thick and thin. I had one guy tell me that he fell out of love with his wife, but trudged along, and found a way to fall back in love with her. They've been together 32 years now.

 

What we're not taking into account is that the dumper doesn't have these thoughts. They came to a realization that we weren't right for them. That doesn't mean they have the right attitude. I believe some people quit too easily. But, there are people who aren't right for each other. If that weren't true, we could be with anyone!

[glimmerofhope]

I think often it's just a realisation that the relationship is not right for them and they don't ever see it being right.

 

I understand that there is such a thing as irreconcilable differences. I'm just focusing attention on what seems to be a growing trend to call it quits on a relationship in which both parties have made a significant investment--both in time and emotions--as soon as things get little bumpy.

 

I do not advocate staying in unhappy relationships, especially where there is something like abuse or infidelity involved. Just the same, I'm concerned at the relaxed attitude society at large seems to take toward commitment in personal relationships. I am intrigued to hear how others perceive this matter.

[RayKay]

I think love is a choice you make from one minute to the next. Meaning you need to make that choice everyday to "love" as an action. Not just rely on feelings of euphoria (I think of those more as infatuation feelings).

 

I read a great story once about an old lady whom once said "when you wake up in the morning feeling you have fallen out of love with your husband, that is the best time to make pancakes for him for breakfast". That pretty much equates to making that choice to love.

 

There are times in any long term relationship there are hard times, and even times of doubt. Sometimes they come not as a result of the person themselves, or the relationship, but a general period of "what is happening in my life and is this where I am really supposed to be".

 

I don't think it is as simple as saying that "always" means it is the "best choice" though to stick it out. Sometimes the greener pastures are so tempting not because people think there are no problems on the other side - but because it truly IS a swamp on their side and they really HAVE tried and tried and tried and it really is a matter of being the wrong animal in the wrong pasture and the two are not right for one another.

 

 

Anyway, in my experience the infatuation MUST end at some point in a long term relationship if it truly is to develop into deeper levels of intimacy. Infatuation itself is based on really, quite a selfish and shallow sense of "love". This period of adjustment for many is tough and not all couples survive it (particularly those whom equate that infatuation as love) but I truly believe that it is in that time the commitment to one another to find that deeper intimacy beyond that spark can turn out to be also tremendously rewarding and enriching.

[melrich]

growing trend to call it quits on a relationship in which both parties have made a significant investment--both in time and emotions--as soon as things get little bumpy.

 

I don't think that happens so much to be honest. I think generally, where there is considerable time and emotional investment, the person who calls it quits will have been thinking the whole thing through for far longer than they ever let the other person know.

 

That's my experience anyway. The dumpee always feels blindsided but in fact the process has been going on for quite a long time.

[glimmerofhope]

where there is considerable time and emotional investment, the person who calls it quits will have been thinking the whole thing through for far longer than they ever let the other person know.

 

I think that's part of the problem, though. Instead of communicating and trying to work through the problems, they let the issues sit there and stew and fester until finally they just can't take it any longer. Then they drop the "this just isn't working" bomb, and POOF! no more relationship

[mumble]

In any connection, the feeling will wax and wane.

 

How about if a relationship has served its purpose? Relationships are by nature complex and problematic. The thought that you can escape difficulty is absurd.

 

Do we feel it necessary to stay in a relationship, as if it deteriorates, both participants are failures? Is this the result of social conditioning?

 

A commitment is a guarantee. Don't we find by experience, nothing is guaranteed? Are we fooling ourselves expecting certainty?

[melrich]

Instead of communicating and trying to work through the problems, they let the issues sit there and stew and fester until finally they just can't take it any longer

 

There's an element of that. I usually see there are two things happening.

 

The person who is disgruntled will give hints and signals. They may not be totally obvious but they will be there.

 

And the person who wants the relationship to continue will bury their head in the sand. They'll have a vague feeling that something is not quite right but they will be affraid to confront it.

 

It usually takes two and ultimately the result is no one communicates until it is all too late.

[glimmerofhope]

The person who is disgruntled will give hints and signals. They may not be totally obvious but they will be there.

 

And the person who wants the relationship to continue will bury their head in the sand. They'll have a vague feeling that something is not quite right but they will be affraid to confront it.

 

It usually takes two and ultimately the result is no one communicates until it is all too late.

 

Bingo. It's a shame, though. I think many otherwise solid relationships end needlessly for these very reasons.

[melrich]

Bingo. It's a shame, though. I think many otherwise solid relationships end needlessly for these very reasons.

 

Yeah I think most people would agree that communication break down is one of the biggest causes of relationship break ups.

[need2bme]

There's an element of that. I usually see there are two things happening.

 

The person who is disgruntled will give hints and signals. They may not be totally obvious but they will be there.

 

And the person who wants the relationship to continue will bury their head in the sand. They'll have a vague feeling that something is not quite right but they will be affraid to confront it.

 

It usually takes two and ultimately the result is no one communicates until it is all too late.

 

I hate to reply with only one word, so....

 

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!