CreoUCLA Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Well, after thinking over what transpired in our first phone conversation since our break-up; I decided that I cannot be friends with this woman. She is being very manipulative/hurtful/selfish. I still care too much about her to constantly be badgered by how "comfortable" she feels with this new guy, how she "doesn't have to try so hard with him," etc. To just lay out everything and attempt to move on with my life, I sent her a final e-mail last week, a couple days after our phone conversation; "We can't be 'just friends.' I don't know if you just get some sense of satisfaction telling me about xxxx, even after I explicitly told you how I feel about it... But I can't do it anymore. Congratulations, you have pushed me away. I sincerely never wanted us to get to this point. I wanted to be your friend, that maybe one day we could start over, but I realized that this is not going to work. I can't hold onto that 'hope.' The moment you let me go, is the moment I should have also let you go. No matter what you feel or think, I never stopped loving you. I know that I did not give you 100% of me, and I didn't appreciate the treasure that you are. I took you for granted, naively thinking that you would always be there for me. I am truly sorry, and there are a million things I would do differently if I could... But we can't live/dwell in the past. I thank you for all that you've taught me about loving someone else, and to the best of my abilities, I will not make the same mistakes in my next relationship. Feel free to donate or send back my stuff and the ring (to my parent's house - the address is on the box). I wish you the best in life, and I truly hope that all of your dreams come true. I would prefer if you didn't contact me anymore, so we can both move on with class and dignity." While I cannot dwell on what I did wrong/didn't do... I recognize that I made mistakes in the relationship (i.e. taking her for granted, getting emotionally connected with someone else, etc.), and I am learning/growing from them. I see the warning signs now over the past 8-9 months of our relationship. Neither of us really acted on them, though. And putting myself in her shoes, I can begin to see why she's said some of the things she has (i.e. telling me about the guy, saying that we lost the "in love" feeling, etc.). I hurt her, and I know that. I know I never stopped loving her, but I did stop showing her. But, I also recognize that she could have stayed with me to work out our problems instead of conveniently running to the guy that she had a "crush" on. She had other issues within our relationship as well, so she is not without blame. But, that is her journey and I forgive her/understand. I will be using strict NC until I am healed/over her, and I honestly don't expect a response from her. Maybe in time we can be (at least) friends again, but definitely not anytime soon while the wounds are still open (it's only been ~2 months since our split). My recent attempts at contact were just waaaay too early. We communicated every 1-2 weeks since we split up. I need to stick with NC so that I can heal, she can (maybe) miss me, and also so that she can see who/how that new guy really is without me being her emotional crutch. Who knows what the future holds for either of us, but I now know that I can be happy with or without her. If we reconcile, great. If not, I have faith that I will be just fine! -Mike- Link to comment
WillyD Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I think its a well written letter. It gets the point accross in a manner that won't put her on the defensive. Well done. I also think the decision behind it is well thought out. I'll be honest - its always been my belief that once an intimate relationship comes to an end there is no friendship to be had. There is too much emotional investment (especially over a 6 year relationship) to actually be able to set aside the talks about new boyfriend/girlfriends and what-not. Even if you can pull it off, future significant others tend to get bothered by it and it can potentially sabotage relationships. I wish you the best and hope your next one is THE one. WillyD Link to comment
Ampire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 good work brother! I ended my email with you said how can we not be friends after all of this, I wonder how can we be friends after all of this......same board, im not going to be torn apart by someone who says they love me when they dont love me......as hard as today may be i look forward to a bright future without this person in my life.... Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I think its a well written letter. It gets the point accross in a manner that won't put her on the defensive. Well done. I also think the decision behind it is well thought out. I'll be honest - its always been my belief that once an intimate relationship comes to an end there is no friendship to be had. There is too much emotional investment (especially over a 6 year relationship) to actually be able to set aside the talks about new boyfriend/girlfriends and what-not. Even if you can pull it off, future significant others tend to get bothered by it and it can potentially sabotage relationships. I wish you the best and hope your next one is THE one. WillyD That's not true, ex's can be friends. Takes some time, a lot of patience, understanding and a mutual care for each other. If you care about someone, you can make it work. It CAN cause problems for future relationships, but that's because people are so closed minded about ex's staying friends. Link to comment
WillyD Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I don't mean to be trite, but could people be closed minded about it because ex's tend occasionally find romantic relapses when spending time together especially when that relationship is threatened by one members new significant other? WillyD Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I've never been friends with an ex... But this is my first love/long-term relationship (nearly 6 years), so who knows? But you're right, maybe we won't be friends. I guess I was just keeping optimism for myself. -Mike- Link to comment
Ampire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 That's not true, ex's can be friends. Takes some time, a lot of patience, understanding and a mutual care for each other. If you care about someone, you can make it work. It CAN cause problems for future relationships, but that's because people are so closed minded about ex's staying friends. what if the ex didnt want to try to make the relationship work - why should you try to make a friendship work.... because to her a relationship should "just work" she doesnt want to have to put in work for it to work.... why bother with someone like that after the fact??? Link to comment
LilBear Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I've never been friends with an ex... But this is my first love/long-term relationship (nearly 6 years), so who knows? But you're right, maybe we won't be friends. I guess I was just keeping optimism for myself. I was friends with my ex before we were a couple. We met in the Sixth Form (I think in the US, it should be equivalent to senior year at high school?) Now he wants us to remain friends. I said yes, but I know that it will be tough to make a direct about turn. Maybe it will be hard to remain friends for now, but who knows what the future may bring, when both of you have healed completely. Link to comment
TMinCali Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 It took me 7 months to be friends with my ex. I think once you get over the pain from the break up, it is possible. If there is chemistry and attraction, there is also a very good possibility for reconciliation. It takes time though.. lots and lots of time. Go out.. date others and realize that you have options. Once you are in a place to make the decision, you no longer will dwell on what they are thinking and what they want. It's all about YOU and YOUR happiness. All the best! Link to comment
TMinCali Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I want to note that I have noticed that everyone is still wondering about what "they" did, or how "they" are acting. As long as you're in this mindset, it will never work out. Friends, lovers or anything else. It's no longer about them. It's about you. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 It's no longer about them. It's about you. Very true! -Mike- Link to comment
emalkoc Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I would like to see her reaction...I am planning similar letter in 3 weeks...I suggest you sending close to holiday.. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I would like to see her reaction... I don't expect one. I actually sent it about a week before my birthday (it's this Friday), and I doubt she'll send me any greeting now... Before we split up she told me, "I want to see if I am happier with or without you." Well, that letter and my strict NC will let her do that... And you know what? I'm already starting to see that I'm happier without her. -Mike- Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 I would like to see her reaction... Well, here's one reaction... Today I get home and there's a box from Amazon sitting on my doorstep. I'm thinking, "What did I order?" I open it, and it's a birthday present from my ex... It was sent to the address that she told me on the phone last week that she didn't have. The present is a John Wooden audio book... It's funny how she hated me going to UCLA bball games with my father or watching them, but now it's all okay. Here's what her card says; "Dear Mike, Happy Birthday! I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I still wanted to send you something to hopefully help you through this time. I'm truly sorry for everything. Maybe someday we can be friends. till then, mel" More dangling bait in front of me... I won't bite. I know she sent it to assuage her guilt for breaking up with me and for me to be guilted into keeping in contact with her (so she can tell me all about her "oh-so-wonderful" new guy). I will stay with strict NC. She's on her own now, and I'm truthfully moving on... -Mike- Link to comment
emalkoc Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 It is so amazing that these letters or ultimatoms how they work...I have seen it not only once, so many times... I started believing that ALL NC should followed by LC and then an Ultimatom... If the dumper still has feelings, they dont want to risk of loosing you forever...I know it sounds so silly but it works... I am going for the same strategy next 3 weeks. Keep her contacting me while we are LC...then one day boom...sorry cannot be friends.. Mike, I know you dont necessarily want her back but it give you a good ego boost, I am sure of it.. she will contact you for sure again.. Eric Link to comment
LilBear Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 You sent the letter a week before your birthday? How long does it take for her to order you a present from Amazon and for it to reach you? It's possible she hasn't received your letter when she purchased your gift. Yea...tell me all about guilt on the dumper's side! Chances are, my ex will be doing the same thing, and most likely get me something expensive, if I know anything about him and guilt! Unless he turns up on my doorstep, I'll be in strict NC! OMG...I totally love ENA and the people here. Gives me so much renewed strength. Why in hell didn't I come accross this sooner ! Link to comment
emalkoc Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 I think it was an email.... Link to comment
LilBear Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Oh, I get it. Lol..we're not exactly big on using email to communicate feelings and such this part of the world - it's usually texting or calling. As for NC followed by LC - Creo, do you see yourselves honestly being just friends in the future and doing "friends only" stuff together? Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 Yes, it was an e-mail. It is so amazing that these letters or ultimatoms how they work...I have seen it not only once, so many times... It's amusing to me, because it's worked every time I've issued an ultimatum. When we were first on a break I sent her a text saying, "I'm sorry that you weren't who I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free. Goodbye." I got a phone call a couple days later saying, "I miss you soooo much! When I read "goodbye," I sat in the bathroom and cried!" Then a few weeks ago, with her e-mail that talked about her seeing the new guy and how she feels so "comfortable" with him... I sent her, "Honestly, we both need to move on. I wish you my love, and all the best in your new relationship!" A day later (even after I deleted the e-mail address she originally contacts me at so her e-mail(s) bounced back), I get an e-mail at another account I have saying, "What do you mean 'move on.' I still want us to be friends. There is no new relationship, just hanging out." Human psychology is so awesome when you're the one who's learned more about it. -Mike- Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 As for NC followed by LC - Creo, do you see yourselves honestly being just friends in the future and doing "friends only" stuff together? I didn't elect the NC followed by LC route on purpose (in this short amount of time). I thought I was ready after each time I broke NC, but I wasn't so I would go back into NC. This probably is confusing the heck out of her (push/pull), but my feelings were changing too. I'm not sure if I can be "just friends" in the future. It will depend on how I feel if/when the time comes... Right now, I don't even want her back now that I see how she is mentally/emotionally. I am moving on with my life without her, and I couldn't be happier! -Mike- Link to comment
LilBear Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 What happens when both parties go into NC? After starting NC with my ex he did text me, but I think after getting no response from me, he's gone into NC himself. Is it about who cracks first then? *Laughs* The problem with us is that we are both bloody proud. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 What happens when both parties go into NC? After starting NC with my ex he did text me, but I think after getting no response from me, he's gone into NC himself. Is it about who cracks first then? *Laughs* The problem with us is that we are both bloody proud. You have to remember that NC is about you, not your ex. It's all about your healing and getting you back to become even better than you were before you met your ex. It is not a game, it is about taking back control over your life. So who cares if he doesn't contact you ever again! "If someone doesn't want to be with you....why on earth would you want them back anyway?" -SuperDave71 You'll be fine. We all will! -Mike- Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 So I decided to send my ex a text message saying, "Thank you for the gift. I appreciate the thought." One of the big issues is that she feels I neglected her, and by not acknowledging I would look petulant or overly concerned/hurt. I honestly didn't have any expectations that she'd contact me back... But of course she did; "I'll send your stuff to your parents. i'm sorry for everything, you know how to reach me if you ever feel you want to" And no, I won't reply to that text. -Mike- Link to comment
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