Do I go NC?

[CreoUCLA]

What now?

 

He's just checking in to see if you're still around. My ex contacted me occasionally, even though the day we split I told her not to until she found what she was looking for.

 

Remember, he left you. Give him exactly what he wanted, and disappear. Don't be a back-up/safety net. Cold turkey is the only way (learn from my mistakes)!

 

Feel free to PM me with what you would plan on telling/texting/e-mailing him, just to get it off your chest. I'm in front of a computer for most of the day.

 

-Mike-

[LilBear]

Thanks...

But there's just one thing I don't get about the NC concept, I've been reading various NC threads and couldn't find any info regarding it yet..

 

Am I supposed to imform my ex that I'm going NC and ask that he not contact me? Is he suppose to do the same?

 

And another problem..what if I want him back (if he sincerely wants to get back together)?

[CreoUCLA]

Am I supposed to imform my ex that I'm going NC and ask that he not contact me? Is he suppose to do the same?

 

That's up to you... I wouldn't, though. It makes a bigger impact, and either way he needs time to miss you.

 

And another problem..what if I want him back (if he sincerely wants to get back together)?

 

You need to get yourself back first. That's what NC does. Each situation is different, but for the time being, you need to get back into the mode of putting yourself first. You need time to heal from the break-up, and work on becoming the best version of yourself.

 

If he really wants to reconcile, nothing will stop him (he knows where you live, your phone #, etc.)... And it certainly won't be in the form of a text message telling you about a part-time job opening. Remember, we're the prize. We deserve to be cherished/loved. None of us should settle for anything less.

 

-Mike-

[LilBear]

That settles everything nicely ! Thanks !

[programmer]

Yes, but I admit that I took her for granted towards the end of our relationship as well. But, I read this article and it seems to parallel my relationship with my ex almost exactly;

 

link removed

 

No more of that !

 

Good for you!

 

-Mike-

 

 

This seems so like my situation Mike! My ex always struggled with low self esteem. Thats why she had and has eating disorder now. When she broke up, she said that the last times she said she love me was because she knew I wanted to hear it!

 

But she has truly loved me before, in the good times!

 

But she was the one who was interested in me first and asked me for my phone number, she was afraid that other girls would take me, does it give me any more chances?

 

I just hope that she will fix her head and realise what she is missing and come back to me

[CreoUCLA]

I just hope that she will fix her head and realise what she is missing and come back to me

 

That is what we all wish. But you know what? There are (mentally) healthy people already out there that can love us the way we deserve!

 

I'm not holding out for my ex, because I realize that it may never come (she's already hanging out with the first guy that gave her attention after our split). She can't face her fears of being alone and the issues stemming from her low self-esteem/family while hiding behind someone else. And I certainly won't be around to give her the support that I once did, because she's expecting it.

 

It's all about me now!

 

-Mike-

[programmer]

It would be so easy to to NC if we somehow got a guarantee that our exes didn't sleep with anyone in the meantime. But that is only wishful thinking. This is my biggest fear when doing NC. It will never be the same feeling again if they come back and you know what they have done. Will be so painful.

[LilBear]

Lol..I'm sure my ex ain't sleeping around with anyone. We didn't even sleep together during the three years we were together..well, what can I say? Asian culture. Even though I know he's not out there sleeping around, I still find it hard to do NC, we all find it hard sometimes.

 

Creo gave me some real good advice as to what he's up to, texting and calling me. He's just having a pity party and I'm not going to be part of it, since he was the one to break up with me. Haha, his loss - this is one of the thoughts that helps keep me strong..

[CreoUCLA]

It would be so easy to to NC if we somehow got a guarantee that our exes didn't sleep with anyone in the meantime. But that is only wishful thinking. This is my biggest fear when doing NC. It will never be the same feeling again if they come back and you know what they have done. Will be so painful.

 

It's hard, but you have to let those thoughts go. Tell yourself, "It's just fear. I acknowledge it and now I let it go."

 

Regardless if your ex comes back or not, you're in control here! If you need motivation... Will they want to come back to the same person they left? No. They broke up with that person, remember? So really use this time to become the best person you can be. Take up new hobbies, buy things you've always wanted to, etc. This is your time to shine!

 

If the ex comes back, you'll surprise them. If they don't, some lucky person is going to have the best version of you. And don't worry so much about them in your future. Only when that time comes, can you can decide if you can forgive what they've done or not. But, there's no point dwelling in something that may or may not happen. Cross the bridge when you get to it, not when you're still miles away.

 

-Mike-

[CreoUCLA]

I still find it hard to do NC, we all find it hard sometimes.

 

It really is. But, it's the best way to get yourself back (and possibly your ex). I broke NC several times, thinking "oh, I'm ready to be friends." Wrong! I was still holding onto hope. I hadn't truly let her go, and all I would hear about is her "new guy" and how "wonderful" he was. This ate me up inside, even though I played it off when I was in contact.

 

I mean, she told me that it's a "strange comfort when I'm with him" and "I feel like I don't have to try so hard with him." Not only is she telling me (the ex) about him, but she's also comparing him to me? And she can feel all of these things after only hanging out with him a for a few weeks after the end of a ~6 year relationship? Yeah, sounds like a really healthy person... She is acting like someone who is confused/irrational/deluded/needy. And honestly, it has made her much less attractive to me.

 

So, give our exes the time to think things through WITHOUT us. They can't miss someone/something that is always there. If they let us go, let them go. If they're confused about their feelings for us, let them figure it out on their own (hey, we weren't confused?!). They left us, so what do we owe them? Nothing!

 

-Mike-

[renaissancewoman101]

It really is. But, it's the best way to get yourself back (and possibly your ex). I broke NC several times, thinking "oh, I'm ready to be friends." Wrong! I was still holding onto hope. I hadn't truly let her go, and all I would hear about is her "new guy" and how "wonderful" he was. This ate me up inside, even though I played it off when I was in contact.

-Mike-

 

In your case, who ended the "friendship" after the breakup, you or your ex? I agree it's hard to listen to an ex talk about a new relationship, but sometimes, if you can build a good friendship, that uneasiness can be overcome, if you look at is from the standpoint of building a new "relationship" in a way that is special and different. Life changes, we must adapt, and throwing out the baby with the bathwater is not always the way to go.

[EmilyE]

 

Remember, he left you. Give him exactly what he wanted, and disappear. Don't be a back-up/safety net. Cold turkey is the only way (learn from my mistakes)!

 

-Mike-

 

 

What if what my ex wants is not for me to disappear, but to be my friend? We were best friends before and I would love to be able to go back to that, but because I still have feelings AND she is already dating someone else, i am realizing it is impossible at this point.

 

Advise?

[LilBear]

No, for your own sake it's not fair to you - you still have feelings for your ex

Just like I have for mine.

 

Like Creo said, just go cold turkey. You don't have to give her a warning or anything. Only be friends again when you are completely healed and have no hard feelings whatsoever over her new relationship.

[CreoUCLA]

In your case, who ended the "friendship" after the breakup, you or your ex? I agree it's hard to listen to an ex talk about a new relationship, but sometimes, if you can build a good friendship, that uneasiness can be overcome, if you look at is from the standpoint of building a new "relationship" in a way that is special and different. Life changes, we must adapt, and throwing out the baby with the bathwater is not always the way to go.

 

I ended it. I want to be more than "just friends" with her (I still had too much hope of reconciling), and I realized that I hadn't gotten myself back yet. I asked myself, "What's more important? Gritting it out and hearing about this other guy while being emotionally/physically drained... Or saying we can't be friends, letting go, and moving on with my life?" I chose the latter (for now), because it's only been ~2 months since we broke up from a ~6 year relationship. Maybe some people can shift from lovers to friends that quickly, but I am not one of those people.

 

I'm not saying we can't be friends in the future... But I'm not ready now, and my feelings/I come first.

 

-Mike-

[CreoUCLA]

What if what my ex wants is not for me to disappear, but to be my friend? We were best friends before and I would love to be able to go back to that, but because I still have feelings AND she is already dating someone else, i am realizing it is impossible at this point.

 

Advise?

 

Basically what LilBear said. You can be friends after you're healed and have moved on. You still have feelings and she's dating someone else. You won't be #1 in your ex's eye.

 

My ex and I were best friends also. But really look at how your ex has treated you after the break-up. Are you still best friends? Mine has called me twice and e-mailed me four times in 2 months. I haven't seen her since late September. The "new guy" she's just hanging out with sees/talks to her whenever she has free time. So who is getting the benefit here? It certainly isn't me, her alleged "best friend."

 

Fortunately, I have someone in my life right now who really is a best friend to me. I just flew back to S.F. this afternoon and she picked me up from the airport, had lunch with me (I paid since she picked me up), and dropped me off at home. She's also made plans to have dinner with me later in the week and tells me "I'll chat with you online later." That is a friend. Don't settle for any less in love or friendship.

 

-Mike-

[LilBear]

Really..I wonder how you can stay this upbeat!

Is it totally normal to be strong and confident one moment and on the verge or cracking the next?

 

Just wondering..

[CreoUCLA]

Really..I wonder how you can stay this upbeat!

Is it totally normal to be strong and confident one moment and on the verge or cracking the next?

 

Just wondering..

 

Yes, there are ups and downs. But, my moment of zen occurred a couple days ago when I read that article that mirrored my relationship. I realized that I didn't want an unsatisfied relationship with a woman that would never value me the way I want. She may change, but I'm not sticking around for it.

 

So think less about your ex, and enjoying the wonderful friends, family, and experiences life has to offer.

 

-Mike-

[Sickboy48]

yeah your right. Put yourself first and you'll be way better off. my ex ws my best friend too but she sure forgot that after a few days.

[LilBear]

Oh...my ex asked if we could remain friends "for now" and I said sure.

But went semi-NC the next day...today is the third day since break up and my 2nd day of NC