please i need some advice!

[jadestoneau]

Am i doing the right thing??

 

I having been seeing my partner for almost a year now, and we planning to get married in 2005. I love my partner so much and I would do anything for him.

 

I have a big problem and the only way I can get rid of it is leave my partner.

 

My partner has a non-biological daughter that he classes her as his own. The problem is that she is so negative about things, puts my partner down sometimes, hates his friends and make up lies about her life.

I can't stand to be around her, and she has a few times abused me.

 

My partner tells me all the time that she will come around one day, and maybe we can be friends. The problem is that I dont want to be friends with her, I cant stand her been around my partner. And she acts like a little girl, which she is almost 21 years old.

 

We she visits his at our home, she acts like that she needs all the attention from everyone and one thing I dont like is that she sits on my partners lap, basically with nothing on. Friends of ours have approached me about if there was something going on, but I know there isnt.

 

When she rings the house, she doesnt make conversation with me and demands to talk to her 'dad'.

 

I have no idea what to do, I hate that she's around and I know there's not much I can do. My partner saids he wont give up on her, but I cant sit there and let her act the way she does.

 

I know we cant control people. But the only thing I can do is leave, it hurts too much. I don't want to keep getting upset and angry or even jealous that she rings or comes over.

 

Please anyone some advice would be nice.

 

thanks

[avman]

It must be really tough for you to be in this situation. I'd sure hate to see you leave your partner over his daughter. But of course you cannot ask him to choose between you and his stepdaughter because you would lose.

 

Ultimately I guess you have to do what will ultimately make you happy. I think we all have members of our family we can't stand. But this may be more than a mere annoyance. The stepdaughter might be deliberately trying to ruin your relationship to have her 'daddy' all to herself. And I don't think the sitting on the lap mostly naked is ok. Not at age 21.

 

Have a serious heart to heart talk with your partner. Tell him what you can and what you cannot tolerate. Maybe there is a way you can compromise. But its ok to tell him if things stay the way they are you just don't see the relationship working out. Maybe that will jolt him into a realization about what is happening.

 

I wish you the best with this tough situation.

[confusion123]

hey jade,

 

first of all id just like to say that you must have a lot of patience!! I do not blame you in the least for being upset or jealous, and to answer your question, no i do not think your doing the right thing!

 

21 and sitting on his lap=UNACCEPTABLE

 

I believe that the stepdaughter is only partially to blame. The reason being is that her father "lets her". I do understand that she may be very out of control and spoilt if you like, but if he doesnt want her sitting on his lap then he wouldnt have her there! Your bf needs to set limitations as to how far she can go...if he respects the relationship between you two, then he would have the decency to at least speak to her firmly about what is and what is not acceptable. It's not rocket science.

 

I don't think you should get him to choose between you or his daughter. However, marrying a man who has a daughter who is 21 and acts the way you have explained, well that would be the biggest mistake of your life. By the sounds of things, there is no gaurantee that she will change, and your bf isnt helping much (with all your respect he seems to have a weak personality and i believe that if he really wanted her to stop what she is doing he could achieve that...it's YOUR house! guess who's in charge? guess who makes the rules?) However the decision is yours? but i urge you to make your decision based on what logic tells you, not just with your heart.

 

sorry to be harsh but just be careful

 

Hope this helps

[jadestoneau]

Well has my week been weird...sorry its so long

 

With all these feelings in my head I knew enventually they would come out, so I had a real serious talk with my partner. I couldn't hold it in any longer. He knew something was wrong, he picked it up earlier.

 

I started crying and got really upset cause I knew I had to make the biggest decision of my life. Anyway I just told him that I hated the way his step-daughter acts around him, and I don't like the way she talks to me or him. Basically I didnt want her near us.

 

He started saying he can't change the way she is, and he can't choose his family. Basically I said that your no longer with your ex, and that life is over. I was totally honest with him, and I told him that it made me jealous, but thats my problem.

 

Man, did I spill everything. It felt so good, I was so afraid I telling him how I felt. I said to him that I don't want a life with him if she was going to be around, it was time to move on and let me be. I told that I didnt want any contact with him anymore and let me get on with my life so I stop feeling like this.

 

I have NEVER seen him so hurt before and so upset that I was telling him to leave me. He wouldn't pack his bags, he refused to go. Man, did he make me anygry.

 

Anyway we talked and talked for so hours until we were all talked out. I have never asked my partner to disown his step-daughter not once, or even make a choice between us.

 

Then he made his own choice and it was me. I was totally shocked! He said it's not worth losing me over someone that cause trouble all the time. He said that his daughter doesnt make him happy, I do. He said since he has been with me, his life has changed and he loves the way he is now. I never every knew he would make a choice like that, because he always told me that he would never give up on his step-daughter, so what chance did I have with him.

 

Anyway, we talked more and finally came to some agreement on issues. All I know is that he promised me that things would change and his daughter will no longer cause trouble.

 

And I realised that I have to sort out my *jealousy* problem and talk more to my partner about stuff.

 

The point of my post on here was to get some advice, I dont have anyone to talk to about this stuff and I think strangers can see it from another point of view.

 

thanks for your posts