Marriage.....to wed or not to wed..

[HeartAcheInOC]

I agree with you Hope75......after 7 years, he should know what he wants by now. So frustrating...

 

All these responses and opinions are great but unfortunately things are just easier said than done. I think I know what truly needs to be done...just wanted some opinions.....get outside advice (other than my best friends who are always on my side)

 

Thanks to everyone who's replied so far!! It's really helped

[ftheunion]

How can you lose him forever if you don't really have him. Im not convinced he is really that great. But I don't know him.

 

If you are stuck and can't progress, why have him at all?

 

"Lateralus" - Tool

"Unsung" - Helmet

[Hope75]

It's definitely difficult when one person wants one thing and the other doesn't, but as you know marriage is not something you want a person going in on when they are not 100% on board with it. I'm sure when you do marry you want the person who asks you to be excited to do so and who can't wait to spend his life with you, and your bf just doesn't sound like that guy.

[HeartAcheInOC]

I think I'm going to talk to him very soon. In the past, he's brought up the possibility of taking a break. After discussing things further, we never end up doing that. If he brings up taking a break again, should I agree and take a break or should I just permanently break up with him???

[annie24]

I think people have given you some great advice here. I also recommend you pick up a copy of 2 books: "Mars and Venus on a date" and the original "Mars and Venus." The original book has a "script" on what to say to your boyfriend in a situation such as yours. The "Mars and Venus on a date" book has a chapter on "When the clock is ticking and he isn't wearing a watch." I think you'll find the reading to be insightful. The script bascially goes along the lines of "I love you, and I would like to be married to you, but I am not so sure anymore, because it's starting to look like that might not happen......"

 

Basically, neither advocate breaking up, at least, not right off the bat, but really taking a step back from the relationship. ie, don't act like a man's fiance if he hasn't asked you to marry him! That includes making more plans with your friends, doing more of your own things, seeing him a bit less, and giving him space. It also gives you space to think if this is really the right relationship for you. If he still doesn't do anything, then go back to just seeing him once a week, and spending more time with your friends and family.

 

good luck. I know this is a hard situation to be in, but you have to do what is right for you and not waste your time in a dead-end relationship.

[HeartAcheInOC]

That includes making more plans with your friends, doing more of your own things, seeing him a bit less, and giving him space. It also gives you space to think if this is really the right relationship for you. If he still doesn't do anything, then go back to just seeing him once a week, and spending more time with your friends and family.

 

 

I used to go to his house about 3 nights a week, every single week! Now it's more like every other weekend. I tried to back off but doesn't seem like he noticed. ](*,)

[annie24]

how often does he call you or ask you out? does he do nice little things for you?

[HeartAcheInOC]

He calls me multiple times throughout the day...in the morning, afternoon, evening, before I go to sleep. I'm in school so I'm always studying which means we don't go out a lot....usually stay in and watch movies, etc. He does do nice things for me but it's less now than before which I assume is normal when you're in a 7 year relationship....I don't expect it to be like it was in the beginning.

[annie24]

yeah, so like ellie asked, what is your timeline?

[HeartAcheInOC]

Just told my friend about this message board and she's been reading the comments......this is what she just sent me.....

"Basically, neither advocate breaking up, at least, not right off the bat, but really taking a step back from the relationship. ie, don't act like a man's fiance if he hasn't asked you to marry him! That includes making more plans with your friends, doing more of your own things, seeing him a bit less, and giving him space. It also gives you space to think if this is really the right relationship for you. If he still doesn't do anything, then go back to just seeing him once a week, and spending more time with your friends and family."

 

ABOUT THIS POST, this is what you have been doing. I thought to myself "that's crazy" cuz Vanessa just told me this yesterday. You only sleep over once a week and have done less. Instead of wanting the marriage, it seems like he's "running" with the freedom...going to Vegas, playing video games and not letting you stay. He's loving his freedom more instead of realizing what a wonderful person you are and making a commitment

[HeartAcheInOC]

I never had a timeline........I always thought I would end things when I just couldn't take it anymore. In the past, I've told him that I wasn't going to wait forever and hopefully it wouldn't be too late when he decides to finally come around. So, I don't really have a timeline. I'm just now realizing I need more.

[annie24]

I'm glad your friends are there for you right now! I'd definitely read those books. If you've already stepped back to seeing him once a week, and he seems to be ok with that, then maybe it is time to scale things back even more? Like maybe a breakup.......? I dunno. You have to do what is right for you. But if he's perfectly happy leading a separate life, then he doesn't sound like a good husband for you, know what I mean?

 

I would understand if he were 23 and he were acting like this, but 34, I think he's old enough to be ready to make a committment, if that is what he wants.

[HeartAcheInOC]

Do you think it's worth taking a "break" or am I better off ending this relationship completely? Thoughts anyone??

[annie24]

Have you ever said this to him, outright?

[HeartAcheInOC]

Yes....at this point, everything's been said on my part. He usually makes it seem like I'm being dramatic and I don't think he takes it very seriously.

[annie24]

After 7 years, I certainly don't think you are being dramatic.

 

What would happen if you said, "I really want to get married and have children, but it's looking like it's not going to happen with you. So, I'm going to move on, and find someone else who shares my relationship goals."

 

I've seen people who are not married, but are deeply committed to each other, but sadly, I don't see that here.

[Kalika]

He's definitely old enough that he should know what he wants with his life. If he'll kick you out when you're tired so he can have a night with the boys and his video games, he's not ready for marriage. Would you honestly want to marry someone like this??

 

Add my vote to the tally: I think your relationship is going nowhere fast, and I'd hate to see you waste another day on this guy.

[HeartAcheInOC]

Agree with you Kalika......here's another thought though....should I punish him for his recent actions or should I look back at alot of the wonderful things he has done for me? I know I have to look at the big picture but it's so hard. Recently, he's just been kind of a jerk but the past years our relationship as a whole has been great.

 

Sounds like I'm sticking up for him...........old habits die hard =/

 

If he's not ready to move forward, I need to. That's pretty much what it comes down to

[annie24]

what do you mean by punish? if you mean breakup, then yes.

 

i think that was an excellent point by kalika. when looking for a husband, you want one that's going to take care of you when you are feeling bad. he could have gone out with his friends, or cancelled, or just taken the game system to one of their places and let you sleep. i mean, what is the point of settling for less?

[RayKay]

For whatever reason he is not ready for marriage; and for that matter really the commitment of a serious relationship. I know many people whom are not legally married, but for all intents and purposes are "married" in the way they share their lives together. And that is totally fine if both people are agreeable to that. But in this case, you want marriage, and to me it sounds like you, and the relationship's needs, take a back seat to his want to be "single".

 

I know he is in your eyes the "love of your life" but I can't help noting you have been with him since you were 20, and for 7 years....and the love of one's life should not be merely the one whom is "there" but the one whom really makes us the love of theirs too. This is not him.

 

After this many years, you have every right to know where things are going, or not going, and you also have every right and responsibility to yourself to determine whether this relationship is REALLY what you need and want in your life. I wonder if you aren't more wanting what he "could be" than what he IS since he does not seem to treat you all that well.

 

Don't let the fear of the unknown - and I know there is a lot of that after this many years - keep you trapped in a place that is making you miserable.

[Kalika]

HeartAche -

 

Honestly yes it does sound like you're sticking up for him. That's not to say that at times, he hasn't been a great boyfriend. But the bottom line is, he should be concerned enough about you to at least have the guts to tell you he's not ready for marriage - and may never be. He seems pretty content being able to kick you out when he wants his friends over... why wouldnt he? He gets the pleasure with no pain. It's a sign of great immaturity on his part, I think. He doesn't have to get serious in his life. He doesn't have to make the important decisions that most adults have to make - whether to get married, how to raise the kids, struggles over bills, etc.. He's avoiding all of it.

 

You have to seriously decide if you want such a hedonistic life as he has... If you want the pleasure with the pain, I think you need to walk.

[HeartAcheInOC]

You know.....his parents divorced when he was about 5 years old and he moved with his mom here to California (from Puerto Rico). He's also an only child. I think he's very used to getting whatever he wants. To this day, his mom still comes over and buys him grocery's, etc. She is like a lot of mom's that wants the best for her son. I love her to death too so I don't mean to put her down but he's so used to getting what he wants, he expects the same exact treatment from me too. A mom has unconditional love for her child but as for a spouse/GF/BF, they need some of that love in return to make the relationship actually work.

[RayKay]

He's 34, and seems to be quite happy remaining dependent on his mother and whomever else will enable him at least at this point in his life (and I don't see that changing). There is no way he should be okay with his mother doing his laundry even if it is "easier"...he DOES sound like a child/teen in many respects (though even as a child/teen I was doing my laundry!). If he spends that much time gaming he can easily do laundry at the same time anyway...

 

Him being child of a single parent is not the reason he is like this - many aren't (including myself) - but it sounds like there were factors in his family relationship where he was "coddled" a bit more (we as children certainly could not afford to get anything we wanted and learned also that there was more to life than that anyway). The fact he allows to be treated like a dependent at this age shows a delay in emotional and mental maturity in my personal opinion.

 

Honestly sweetie, time to move on. You deserve an equal partner, not a "child" to take care of and be taken for granted.

 

And please take some time before entering a relationship to figure yourself out....after being with this man through most of your 20s it is really important to do so to enable yourself to BE a better partner, but also to realize what you deserve and need in a partner.

[Hope75]

I have to agree with RayKay that I don't think Mom did him any favors by catering to him. He's been allowed to live like a child, free of responsibility for all this time and I don't see him feeling the need to have a relationship where he has responsibility and is an equal partner. For him, that probably seems like too much work.

 

I agree with others that I think what's holding you here is the hope of what he could be (but very well may never be) vs. who he really is and what he really has to offer you, which is, at best, not the type of relationship level you are looking for.

[jane2000]

I agree with a lot of the posts here....I dont think he wants what you want and even though its been 7 years and it is hard to contemplate breaking up, you are 27 and still have many years ahead of you.

 

In regards to him asking you go home after the wedding....that would really upset me if my bf did that to me. It really does show disrespect and a lack of caring.

 

I would sit down and talk to him. Get all your concerns out there and discuss them. Ask him if wants to marry you...may come accross blunt but perhaps youll get the answer your looking for if you just get right to the point.

 

good luck.