Someone please make this feeling stop...How can I heal?

[MarkD]

I am trying so hard to heal after this breakup. We broke up in June and have been in NC for months now, other then bumping into her here and there. We live in a pretty small city, and we live about 3 minutes from eachother and take the same way into work.

 

It is taking me a long time to get over this relationship since I still love her sooo much. We were together for 5 years....and she was my very best friend. I have been bouncing back from the denial stage to depression and acceptance stages. I had to start anti depressants because I just wasn't getting better.

 

I saw her this morning on my drive in to work. I waved and smiled as I passed her since she was turning to her building. She had a big smile on and waved back. She looked so beautiful....I started shaking and my legs went numb...my heart was pounding. I am still so emotional...How do I heal when I still see her and it kills me everytime.

 

I am so scared of how I am going to react when I see her with another guy.

[Coyote9]

Plain and simply, you have to try to avoid seeing her....as any contact at all will send you right to the bottom of the hill...I can appreciate, it's tough in a small town....but you've got to make an effort to not continue to put yourself into situations where you might see her....I know it's tough....but I work near my ex and I haven't seen her since our breakup in April....thanks to NC, I'm finally healing.....hang in there.

[MarkD]

thats the only way I can take to work...and as much as I don't want to see her, I don't want to be childish and just pass her and not wave.

[surfjon]

Man,

That's not easy, it used to kill me to get a glimpse of my wife.

 

I started doing all I could not to see her. When she'd pick up the kids, I'd hide in my house and fight the urge to peep out the window. I wanted to see her so badly but knew it would sting. You have to be strong with your N/C and realize it's over, she's another person on the planet now, another face you will see.

 

You'll find another soon to ease the pain and realize too that all is temporary, everything will eventually cease to be. I know it sounds like a depressing notion, yet it is true and if you really explore it, it becomes comforting. Buddhism has really helped me in so many aspects of my life over the last 5 years, it makes this easier. Yes, I miss her dearly and wish she was back, but she isn't.

 

I am exactly where I am to be in this moment and I realize that another will come into my life and that too will end at some point.

 

Meditation on "conscious dying" really helps me to find peace in the inherent non-permanence of all things.

 

Jon

[Coyote9]

It's not childish....it's putting your pride aside, not caring what she thinks and staying totally out of her way. I drive a different way to work so I won't have those chance encounters. There's a part of us that hangs on to these ex's, and these encounters in some way are exampels of having totally not let go. I did the same thing for a few months, thought I could be strong and still move on and see her now and again. Some may be able to do that, I could not and made a committment to myself to go total NC and NI (no information about her either). I will say again, you will stay wallowing in this until you decide to push her away totally and avoid all contact. Many here will tell you otherwise...try to remain friends with their ex's, etc....plain and simple, they are fooling themselves and keeping themselves hooked into hope and the desire to "get them back." Which I think is a total bunch of crock....move on with your life....learn to love yourself....it's really tough but it's the only way out....if an ex comes back, it has nothing to do wtih what we do anyway....other than we move on and take care of ourselves. As I say, I have been militant about NC...as for me, I would still be wallowing had I not determined I had to totally cut her out of my life, including casual, "unexpected" contacts with her or with people that might want to talk about her. That's me....but 7 months out, I'm moving on finally....each of us has to find our own paths....you asked how to make the feelings stop...and that's what's worked for me.

[RBfan]

Mark:

 

My situation's not really so different - was with ex just over 3 years, but we had a very deep connection, were good friends, had plans for the future, etc. She dumped me this past summer also & we take the same major highway to work. What to do?

 

Well, childish or not, I get up much earlier now in order to be absolutely sure I won't see her - it's just better that way. It gets worse - if I'm running late, I'll be sure to wear my contacts that day (new since breakup). My eyes are very sensitive to them so I can't wear them every day, but if I'm late & there's a chance I'll see her...

 

When I have seen her, I have much the same reaction you had even though I feel like I have made great progress in healing/getting over her. I discovered that the passage of time between the 2 times I saw her really helped - 2nd time, less reaction. Even so, I hear you - the feeling remains, lying dormant or whatever, but I know it does get less intense over time.

 

T

[dan39]

I figured you might have heard all these sort of responese before so here's a different approach. This is from an online sermon, pm me if you want details. I'm not religious but find some sermons seem to hit the nail on the head.

 

There are three keys to breaking a soul tie.

 

1. Time

 

Do you know that every seven years, you get an entirely new body? I’m not talking about a spiritual body; I’m talking about a physical body. From the standpoint of biology, every single cell within your body is renewed every seven years. You are physically not the same person that you were seven years ago. And, you know, sometimes it may take up to seven years for you to break some things.

 

...I didn’t see that woman again for seven years. And when I saw her seven years later, not only was there no attraction, there was an actual repulsion.

 

See, when God pulls you out of something, you want to go back. But if you stay out of it long enough, you’ll look back and say, "How in the world could I have ever done that? How in the world could I have ever been that drunk? How could I drink liquor to that level? How could I have snorted that cocaine? How could I have ever even done that?" You’ll look back and you’ll see what you used to be with, and it will repulse you, because after a period of time even your fleshly body will no longer be the same. After a period of time, you will not have a single cell of your body that would have even touched the unclean thing. But you have to walk in a straight path. And you have to not look back. And you have to not turn around.

 

Many times God will break you from something; but because we faint -- and you know what faint means? It means get weak. That’s all that it means. It means you get weak. Oh, your knees get weaker. You run accross somebody, or you’ve tried and you’ve set your life straight and you stopped drinking; but you’ll go somewhere and you smell the liquor, and you get weak. Your legs start buckling. You faint! And when you faint, you fall, and you go back. And sometimes, when you go back, that which was cleaned and garnished seven more demons come in even worse than before. That’s why when Lot’s wife turned around, her punishment was worse, because she looked back. So when God breaks you from something, when God delivers you from something, don’t turn around and look back. Time is the first thing that is generally required for the breaking of soul ties.

 

2. Separation

 

The second thing that is required for the breaking of soul ties is separation. You see, whenever you want to get away from something and get it out of your world, you have to separate from it. That’s a problem that many people have, and that’s why they can’t get rid of stuff: because they won’t let it go. You see, they want to break free from it, and they want to get it rid of it; but they don’t want to let all of it go. "Well, I’m not going to sleep with him. I’m just going to talk to him on the telephone." "Well, I’m not going to do that with her anymore! All I’m going to do is just go by her job every now and then and we’ll go out to lunch; but I’m going to keep it clean."

 

You see, we don’t want to separate. And whenever you have a soul tie, it is absolutely, completely imperative that if you want to break that soul tie, you separate from everything involved with that person.

 

As I sat there in the counseling session and he was relaying some things to me, he said, "Sometimes even when I’m on my way home from work, I know where she lives and it feel like something just grabs my steering wheel, and I just drive by her house just to see if I can see her sitting on the porch." Do you know sometimes when we’ve been involved in soul ties, we won’t consciously and meticulously make a plan to see ’em. But, see, we know the places that they go to. And somehow we know that every Saturday they go out to the mall, and somehow we find ourselves strolling through the mall. "I’m just coming out here to get a pair of tennis shoes." But in your heart, you’re strolling through the mall looking at every single shape and every shadow that just might be her. And when you’re in that frame of mind, even if you don’t see her, you start looking and you’ll see folks that just remind you of her. "Oh, I just saw a woman that wears her hair just like my baby used to wear it," because she is still on your mind. "Oh, I just saw a man who’s got this bowlegged walk just like my baby used to walk." You will find all kinds of things that remind you of the person you used to be with, because you refuse to separate!

 

He was telling me, "She even gave me a wallet, Pastor." I said, "Look, you need to take that wallet, take all your money out of that wallet, take all your credit cards out of that wallet, take all your ID out of that wallet and make sure nothing is left, then take that wallet and toss it as far away from you as you can," because, you see, many times even spirits will linger around objects and memories. When you’ve got something that somebody has given you, every time you pull out your wallet, you’re going to think about your baby. Every time you look at the object that is tied to the person, you will think about the person. You have to separate from everything involved with the person!

 

I even told him the story of a woman that used to have fixation on me, a woman I had never dated, not even one time. But this woman had such a fixation on me that she swore that she loved me and she was going to marry me. I mean, this woman was what you call close to a fatal attraction. The woman would send me gifts, and I’d give the gifts away. She’d just buy stuff and send it to me. One day she sent me a picture, and on the picture was a prince. It was an African prince, and it was framed in mahogany. Whoo, the picture was just awesome. I said, "Now, I’ve thrown all this other stuff away; but I’ve got to keep this," because it was the sharpest picture that I had ever seen!

 

I put that picture up in my den. And one day, the pastor of a little Pentecostal church that I used to attend came to my house. And we were just sitting there in the den, and he said, "What a fine picture. Where did you get that picture?" I went to telling him the story of how I got the picture. Then he turned into a somber mood and he looked at me with all seriousness, and he said, "Nathaniel, you better get that picture and get that picture as far away from you and your house as you can, because this woman with this picture has laid claim on your house! And you have the certificate of her claim hanging in your den." And I took that picture down and gave it away.

 

See, many times we have things that are nice, pictures that we’ll pull out every now and then and just look at it and smile about the way things used to be. If you’re trying to break a soul tie, you have to separate from everything. I hate even to say it, but some of you even have underwear. You know I’m telling the truth. Now, a lot people would say, "Nathaniel Bronner, look, I’ve got to say one thing about you: you tell it like it is!" (laughing). Yep, so some of you even have underwear that you’ve kept from old relationships. Whatever it is, you need to get it out of your house and get it off of your person; if you’re wearing some jewelry, whatever it is, I don’t care how fine it is, and I don’t care how much you like it. It’s a tie, and you must break ties.

 

If you’ve been a relationship and you’re trying to break that relationship, some of you still have stuff from the relationship in a material, physical form. Take every bit of it, get it out of your world and destroy it! Go through your scrapbook, remove those pictures and burn them.

 

3. Refocus

 

In addition to time and in addition to separation, the third thing that you have to do to break a soul tie is, you must refocus. You must refocus. Now, understand something even about the laws of nature and about the laws of science and the way God divinely orchestrated things. Anytime something is broken away from something, it leaves a void. It leaves emptiness. And that’s why many times we’ll find ourselves breaking free from one relationship that’s bad, and you’ll find the same people getting into the same kind of relationship all over again. Sometimes when women are in abusive relationships where the man is beating them all upside the head and they leave that man, they go right to another man that beats them even worse, and they leave that man. And then they go right to another man that beats them even worse. You see the pattern, and you say, "Why is it that these folks keep getting the same kind of people over and over and over again?" Because whenever you break away, it leaves an emptiness. And there’s just something about it. There’s a rule of physics that says nature abhors a vacuum. Nature hates a vacuum! If it is empty, the natural world will seek to put something in it. If you ever break away from somebody that you’d truly loved, that you’d been bounded to, when you break away -- make no mistake about it -- you are going to have an emptiness. There’s going to be something that will be down in your gut. There will be a hole there that you will longer to be filled. And, see, sharks and predators of the world can recognize when you are walking around empty. They can recognize, and they have sense of almost being able to smell the bloodshed, to smell that your heart is bleeding, to smell that your tears are flowing, to smell that you have a void in your life. And they come, and they prey on you like sharks. And they are able to get into the emptiness of your heart, because you have not filled it.

 

Whenever you break away, you always must refocus. And you will understand even things of the world, people that indulge in drugs and become alcoholics, do you know a person does not drink to get full? They drink because they are empty, because there is a void within. And they seek the spirit of the wine to fill the void, because it is empty. And if you don’t refocus, something else will come.