confused re: ex-boyfriend--shy/afraid/stubborn.PLEASE HELP!

[confusedkygirl]

This is my first post, but I desparately need some outside opinions on this topic. Sorry for the length--but this is a 2 1/2 year saga. I am 23, recently out of grad school and now a working girl. My professional and spiritual life is in good order, but my personal life has been very confusing over the past couple of years. Back in 2001, I met a wonderful guy at church. We immediately hit it off and became friends, and eventually casually dated (he wasn't ready for more than that) for a few months. After 6 months (Dec. 2001), I decided I needed something more that he was ready to give, so we broke up.

 

We stayed friends, and before long started spending a lot more time together, and I was getting a lot of mixed signals about where this was going. Eventually (May 2002) we had a great talk and he expounded on how great he thought I was...I was somebody he could see himself marrying, how now that he was graduating he felt that he would have more time to devote to a relationship, etc. I decided that since I still had strong feelings for him, I should give him another chance. We still had lots of problems, especially with communication. The biggest problem was his general lack of enthusiasm--he never seemed that happy to see me or to spend time with me. I felt very unappreciated. I was constantly questioning how much he cared about me. Most of the info that I did receive was through our mutual friends. When I finally confronted him with this, I really caught him off guard. He came back to me by saying that he didn't feel about me the way that I deserved to be treated, so that we should probably stop dating. I appreciated his honesty and we have remained very close friends.

 

Fast-forward to this spring. I dated another guy for only a few weeks, but it was a very different experience. I always felt great around him, and he showed me what wonderful communicators some guys can be. My ex-bfriend was very supportive and made a comment that he hoped this guy treated me better than he had.

 

Well, due to personal reasons, the new guy and i broke up in March and I have been single since then. In July, I started noticing that my ex was being a bit more friendly to me than usual. He was calling me more and did some big favors for me. Example: sat in my apartment for 3 hours to wait for the cable man when he is DEATHLY allergic to cats. I tried not to think much of it, but secretly I couldn't help but wonder if there were feelings brewing again. Through all of our problems, I have never lost my attraction or sense of devotion toward my ex.

In August, a mutual friend approaches me to say that my ex has "spilled his guts" to her, telling her that he still has feelings for me, that I have definitely "caught his eye" again. He told her that he would like to say something, but is scared to death of rejection/ruining our friendship because he treated me like crap two times in a row. He said he was deluding himself when he thought he was ready for something serious last year. Now he owns a house and is settled into his job, so knows how truly immature he was last year.

 

Well, I heard all this and my jaw just about dropped. I had suspected something, but nothing that dramatic. I decided to play it cool, since I wasn't supposed to have heard any of that declaration. We have definitely been more flirty over the past few months. Took a road trip to go to a friend's wedding together, which was fun. I have picked up clues from his friends that they know something is brewing through little off-hand comments. Also, I threw a dinner party a few weeks ago and he arrived 30 minutes early, and brought flowers--he NEVER brings flowers. and he came early to sit in the apartment with my cat. He never complained about his horrible allergic reaction, which was plainly visible. He repeatedly calls to invite me to work out with him, something I am leery of doing (don't want him to see my well-concealed fat). Our weekend plans are quickly becoming more and more uniform. We are taking another trip to visit some mutual friends in another state in a couple of weeks. I think we have both been holding off discussing anything because things could get awkward on the long flight if we're not on the same page.

 

Whew! Anyway, I need some help. Do you guys think I should confront him if he doesn't say something soon after our trip? Should I continue to play cool and wait for him to make a move? Am I crazy for even considering getting back with him? Please help!

[bzborow1]

Interesting situation. Most times people say not to get back with ex's, but in your case it seems you all parted on good terms. The real question here is what do you want? Do YOU want to get back with him? If so, then be honest and direct, don't wait for 'games' to be played, that was high school.

 

So the method...I'm a guy, so take it for what it's worth. Anyways, you could try the approach leading him to answer you.

 

"you've been acting a little, different, lately. Bringing flowers, coming early, doing more favors for me."

 

"yeah, so?"

 

"I was curious, those things were very nice of you....etc...etc..."

 

Perhaps starting a conversation like that will lead him to explain his actions to you first. Or of course you could just ask him about his feelings for you...have they changed? etc...

 

 

Good luck!

 

Cheers

 

Bill

[russia]

3 bad problems

 

the first and worst: lack of communication skills. he will drive you nuts if you stay with him, unless he is willing to learn, and learn it and fast - ie. seek relationship counselling and communication skills. so far, he's never really spoken on a mature level with you. sure, things to be done, those anyone can talk and think of. but the things that he repeatedly does that hurt you? why isn't he aware and fixing those issues if he likes you a lot?

 

the 2nd one isn't much better: immaturity. what makes him think a house and job makes a man mature? he's going to go through a few more cycles of immaturity before he is ready. if you can help him and he is willing to be helped, then there's hope. again, seek counselling

 

the 3rd one is possibly bad or good: allergy to cats. either you give up cats or give him up. but the good news is, with the first 2 problems, you may never have to deal with this one. he's only taking the 'suffering' now. when he wins you, it's a different ball game. the cat goes.

 

so is there any good that can come out of it? i guess he is scoring points with you with his very good behaviour right now. but can he keep it up? don't just settle for immediate results, cos character is what counts in the long run. you can't change him, so make sure you are getting a good enough man, or be prepared to accept him as he is.