Why do some people always think something is an arguement

[Jonboy582]

Hi, not really sure where to post this but as this extremely aggravates me I will put it in here.

 

Why do some people think everything is you having a go at them or trying to start an argument. One person in question just can't think I am not having a go at them or trying to control their life. No matter what tone I say something in as long as its a question or a comment on what they do they flip and start getting worked up.

 

Two examples today;- I got their food out of the microwave for them to be helpful, it was hot I said ouch ouch ouch while moving it. Then they start shouting at me calling me an idiot and why did I do that, saying I always do it bla bla bla.

 

Example two the person has been unwell for a while and not sleeping much but still been going out and getting drunk while at parties. So they said to me there going to stop that and not go out until there better. The other night they went out, I JOKINGLY commented oh well you broke what you said. Then they start having another go at me, oh its my life I did not say I would not go out, I told you I was going out that night.

 

Why do some people act like this ! It really gets me down, I have to walk on eggshells all day long and can't really comment on any aspect of their life for fear of getting shouted at then they complain when we don't talk enough.

 

Thanks

 

Jon

[WaterIsLife]

Jon,

 

They're putting up a defense it sounds like to me. Why they get defensive? I don't know. Insecurities and vulnerabilities?

 

People react this way due to underlying issues/anxieties that the person is having. So try (difficult) not to take it personally!

[Jonboy582]

Well, it is my girlfriend which I did not mention, we had a rough patch in past few weeks but that was pretty much sorted. And this confronting has been going on ever since we fell in love. She is the same with her mum, dad, sister and me all the people she is closest to. It's just so hard as she is pushing me away. I love her so much but I don't know how long I can put up with everything as its wearing me down.

 

I already told her, everything I say don't take offense I never say anything that is intended to be offensive, derogatory or controlling and if it sounds like it is I am joking.

 

Oh I said its been going on ever since we got properly close, well thats been 1 year 6 months.

 

Thanks Jon

[dolcemano]

Jon,

 

They're putting up a defense it sounds like to me. Why they get defensive? I don't know. Insecurities and vulnerabilities?

 

People react this way due to underlying issues/anxieties that the person is having. So try (difficult) not to take it personally!

 

Same thoughts here too. I'm lately up to my head with this stuff. And i am in a relationship with a girl that does/has some problems like this. Always nagging about what's wrong in her life, and when i suggest what to change she either

- becames angry to me like said her

- starts to justify her feelings/state by rationalizing and emphasizing that there are others with same issues.

 

She does have much other quality which i like in her, and know i really love her. But it is staring to be really hard lately, mostly because she almost every time reacts defending herself or throwing it back to me... and when her defenses sometimes go low, she says something like "i'm insecure sometimes ", "i have problems trusting", and if i ask her to explain her feelings more, she just repeats that words, and says "i don't know, it's all". Lately i just don't see much ways to break through her defenses, and when i run out of them, i'll be leaving through the door.

[Jonboy582]

Sucks being us doesn't it. Don't know what to say apart from I hope some people have good stuff to say.

[dolcemano]

Well, it is my girlfriend which I did not mention, we had a rough patch in past few weeks but that was pretty much sorted. And this confronting has been going on ever since we fell in love. She is the same with her mum, dad, sister and me all the people she is closest to. It's just so hard as she is pushing me away. I love her so much but I don't know how long I can put up with everything as its wearing me down.

 

I already told her, everything I say don't take offense I never say anything that is intended to be offensive, derogatory or controlling and if it sounds like it is I am joking.

 

Oh I said its been going on ever since we got properly close, well thats been 1 year 6 months.

 

Thanks Jon

 

I understand what you been going through. I am in same situation myself. Try in calm way to explain how do you feel because of her actions, if she loves you deeply, she will think it over, but I'm guessing she'll be in some way defensive even that.

 

If she doesn't try to talk, distance yourself, because she will not change for you, she will not change until she feels that somethings wrong.

 

In this situation words of lover are "less worth" because people tend to think that their lover wants to "change them to suit you", and they became even more defensive. They don't realize that in that way they wouldn't suit to nobody who hasn't got serious issues himself too.

 

Talk, try to be calm, and if nothing changes, say what you feel, and that she makes you feel that way. And that you can stand it, because you cant. Tell her that she's got issues and that she should seek some professional advice if she doesn't trust you. Suggest going to counseling together. If she doesnt agree then stop all contact with her for some time, be happy yourself, purse your hobbies, spend quality time with your friends, family, or alone, try not to think about her. If she tries to at least figure what is the problem, then talk to her, if not she wasn't ment to be, at least not now....

[dolcemano]

Sucks being us doesn't it. Don't know what to say apart from I hope some people have good stuff to say.

 

I agree. I myself have some insecurity issues which i deal pretty much with myself, but this behavior from her hits me where i'm weakest. So my situation is driving me crazy, my own issues are burden to deal with in this case.

 

And, if it matters, this what i've written before, is what will i do.

[Jonboy582]

Well im not going to see her for about a week anyway. She is going away for 3 days with her Kayaking club then she has 14 books to partially read and 2 2500 word essays to do in the next 5 days after she gets back.

 

I just find it so hard as I love her so much, and she just pushing me away and convincing herself there is problems. But these are all because of her being so defensive. And I know things could get better but she just wont let them.

[Jonboy582]

I agree. I myself have some insecurity issues which i deal pretty much with myself, but this behavior from her hits me where i'm weakest.

Same here, I have problems but I try and sort them myself and on here. I don't take them out on her, I don't even bother letting her know lol.

[Gratsy]

You're only twenty but you've obviously not realized that there are a LOT of emotionally irrational jerks in this world. I just stay away people like that because I find them to be excruciatingly annoying and its very hard to hold back my tongue.

[dolcemano]

Same here, I have problems but I try and sort them myself and on here. I don't take them out on her, I don't even bother letting her know lol.

 

normally you should let know your partner, but in this case she would trow it back on you, or mine to me Because they "cannot be wrong", ever. I've told her my issues while trying to explain what she does to me, and she just used it as a her view of why she makes me feel bad.

[dolcemano]

Suggest going to counseling together.

 

I've just talked with my gf about this stuff, and did what i wrote earlier. We had a pretty long and exhausting talk. For the first time she was barely defensive. Agreed to try to go counseling together, or each on its own. But she did said that she doesn't think it's much needed, but that she will go. And when i left she had to mention my insecurity in a kind "throw back to you" way. So I'm not all over giving it a much hope, but I'll give a counseling a try.

[Jonboy582]

good for you, I will see if I can make my girlfriend do the same maybe. Thats if its not too late she is gone for 7 or 8 days and when we have time apart things usually get worse

 

Jon

[dolcemano]

good for you, I will see if I can make my girlfriend do the same maybe. Thats if its not too late she is gone for 7 or 8 days and when we have time apart things usually get worse

 

Jon

 

Just one word to be prepared, and not to be surprised. If she agrees to go seek some pro help, there is a really big chance that she will find out that she doesn't really love you. Or mine me. But that they love what we give to them.

[Jonboy582]

Hmm that sucks but I guess its better to know the truth than live a lie.

 

Although first I am going to do something else that I covered in another post and see if the helps (see a Doctor apparently everyone on here says I'm suffering from depression, and I think I agree).

 

Anyhow I really hope it turns out she loves you and all works out Dandy

 

Jon

[dolcemano]

Hmm that sucks but I guess its better to know the truth than live a lie.

 

Look at this way. You already get signs of that she doesn't love you. You don't know if it is because of insecurity or because she just loves what you give to her, so in short terms if does not matter. In long terms, if it is insecurity and she (with you) don't solve it, you will break up. If it is because lack of true love, you will break up eventually too. So only chance for you two is to find it out.