Being extra sensitive to the way people treat you: Exposure or avoid?

[ilovepoemsalot]

You don't know what happiness is then. He will only be happy if he chooses to be happy.

 

Most people can't do that. Are you really saying if you was locked in a room with nothing and had to live your life like that you could just choose to be happy and then you'd be happy and it wouldn't bother you? If you can then I wont disbelieve you, I mean that's pretty amazing. I think your brain must be wired up differently from most other peoples.

 

 

 

You're trying to compare physical torture with being criticized on Youtube and it doesn't work.

 

I'm not comparing anything, you're saying people can choose to feel how they want to feel and if they're unhappy it's their fault.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Ilovepoems,

 

Altho pleasure and happiness are close first cousins there are subtle differences and I think when you have been using the term happy a better term in its place would have been "pleasurable".

 

Pleasure: an activity that affords enjoyment

 

Happy: An overall sense of well being and contentment.

 

Matierialistic things are more inclined to produce pleasure (and almost always momentarily) vs make a person happy.

 

But experiencing pleasure in life instead of pain will make the difference between feeling happy in life or unhappy.

[JadedStar]

Self esteem is a direct link to happiness.

What you described in your posts sounds more like the disability checks enhanced your self esteem, your feeling of self worth, and made you overall happier.

 

YOu feel entertained but do you feel fulfilled as a person?

 

I don't know many people who directly link the level of their overall happiness with the level of how bored they are or not, since boredom is usually temporary, but maybe there are some exceptions i didn't realize.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Just so you know, it makes me cringe when you say that it's a fact.

 

I'm sorry if you don't like the truth.

 

 

 

Of course not, most people are lazy or just simply not strong enough emotionally or mentally (not that they can't build up that strength or improve upon it). Still not sure where you get that snap out of it mentality from, I don't think that's been stated anywhere. To requote myself

 

The way you was saying it in other posts was like, if someone is depressed because of their relaitionship falling apart, then it's their fault because they were choosing to feel depressed.

 

But sure, if you're talking about working on feeling unhappy in general and it'll be a slow process, then sure, people can either do something about it/work on it (which is what I'm doing) which is a slow process, or finding it too much hard work and staying unhappy.

 

I still don't really see it as choosing to be happy or unhappy though, more like choosing whether to work on yourself so you'll feel more happy, or not choose because it's too much work, and maybe you don't even believe it'll work anyway.

[Boldger]

I'm sorry if you don't like the truth.

 

Haha, that is the most blatant line of ignorance I've read all day.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Self esteem is a direct link to happiness.

What you described in your posts sounds more like the disability checks enhanced your self esteem, your feeling of self worth, and made you overall happier.

 

No, they didn't have anything to do with my self esteem. And I can't see how they could do.

 

 

YOu feel entertained but do you feel fulfilled as a person?

 

I do feel more fulfilled, I don't know whether it's as a person, in life, or both.

 

 

I don't know many people who directly link the level of their overall happiness with the level of how bored they are or not, since boredom is usually temporary, but maybe there are some exceptions i didn't realize.

 

 

My boredom wasn't temporary, it was day in day out long term, there wasn't anything for me to enjoy in life, and if that's the case how can you enjoy life? What is the point in getting out of bed, what is even the point in being alive? If you're living your life like this, it will effect your over all happiness and well being.

[Boldger]

Maybe you should step back and take a hint. Even if you don't listen to me listen to Buckdawg and JadedStar.

 

Remember, just because you can't comprehend it (it's really not that hard to comprehend in the first place) doesn't mean that's not how it is. Believe what you want, it's not my life that sucks.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Haha, that is the most blatant line of bull * * * * I've read all day.

 

It's not bull * * * *.

 

Lol, calm down.

[Boldger]

It's not bull * * * *.

 

Lol, calm down.

 

Yeah, it was one of those should I spit the water out of my mouth or out of my nose moments.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Maybe you should step back and take a hint. Even if you don't listen to me listen to Buckdawg and JadedStar.

 

Remember, just because you can't comprehend it (it's really not that hard to comprehend in the first place) doesn't mean that's not how it is. Believe what you want, it's not my life that sucks.

 

You sound aggitated, and your posts sound like they're taking a nasty turn. You need to be able to cope more with not winning an argument, you're not really dealing with this in a mature way.

 

I can comprehend everything you're saying, it is you who is either not making any sense, or not explaining yourself properly or explaining yourself in a misleading way.

 

I know exactly how things are. People do not say 'right I'm going to be happy' when they're depressed and then they're suddenly happy. It is not their fault if they're upset or depressed if something has gone wrong.

 

This was the impression you were giving, you then started saying (or at least this is what I think you were saying) that what you meant was if someone is unhappy in life, they can choose to work on it or not. Which is what I agree with.

 

It seems like we're both at fault here, you because of your communication skills and myself for missing that earlier post.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Yeah, it was one of those should I spit the water out of my mouth or out of my nose moments.

 

Hmmm, what do you mean? Is that some sort of an American phrase?

[ilovepoemsalot]

And to prove further that it is down to your communication skils, begentlewithme got the same impression that I had got.

 

But what do we have here?

 

Sometimes the answer is obvious, people just need someone to point it out for them.

 

And yes, it really is that simple. It will sound harsh, but really all of the negative emotions that people feel after breaking up with a (former) loved one or losing somebody close is nothing more than selfishness.

 

It's not a bad thing, but the pain and suffering that all of these people are feeling is self inflicted. Granted some problems and emotions are caused by medical conditions (so we'll exclude those obviously), but that is the cold hard bottom line.

 

Not that it's easy to bottle up all of the posts on these forums into that one single catagory, I'm generalizing and I know it, but from viewing and browsing these threads in the past that is simply the most general thought that comes to mind.

 

You know, it sounds like you wasn't actually talking about working on problems at the start, it wasn't that you didn't communicate your point properly, you've just seemed to have suddenly changed what you're whole point was in this topic a few posts back. Myself and begentlewithme weren't mislead at all.

[JadedStar]

Since this whole topic borders on interpretation maybe both sides are right just have different ideas of what constitutes happiness. It seems on the surface one of you is talking about short term happiness and gratification and the other more longterm happiness and fulfillment, contentment. To me those are different things but some might equate them both as equally the same.

[Boldger]

And to prove further that it is down to your communication skils, begentlewithme got the same impression that I had got.

 

But what do we have here?

 

 

 

You know, it sounds like you wasn't actually talking about working on problems at the start, it wasn't that you didn't communicate your point properly, you've just seemed to have suddenly changed what you're whole point was in this topic a few posts back. Myself and begentlewithme weren't mislead at all.

 

Not sure what you meant by that. I stated that negative emotions are self inflicted, and that the solution is simple. Simple does not equate to having an on or off switch like you seem to believe. Maybe that's what threw you off, never the less now we're clear on that (at least I would hope so).

 

Then later on in the thread I went on to state that happiness is a choice. I fail to see where my stance has changed.

[Boldger]

Hmmm, what do you mean? Is that some sort of an American phrase?

 

It means I was drinking water when I read that comment and was surprised/horrified enough that I had to determine which orifice I should blow the water out.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Not sure what you meant by that. I stated that negative emotions are self inflicted, and that the solution is simple. Simple does not equate to having an on or off switch like you seem to believe. Maybe that's what threw you off, never the less now we're clear on that (at least I would hope so).

 

Then later on in the thread I went on to state that happiness is a choice. I fail to see where my stance has changed.

 

Well first off in the topic you're clearly saying that someone who is going thorugh a lot of pain (like say a breakup) is self inflicted and is selfish.

 

You are blaming them for their pain, and was saying that people can just choose to be happy and that people who are going through pain choose to go through it.

 

Later on in the topic you stated you didn't mean that they can just switch depression off and happiness on like a switch, and that it takes work.

 

These two things are conflicting, as you never stated that you were talking about people who feel depressed for years yet never do anything about it. You gave the impression that if something bad happens, and then thereforeeee the person on the recieving end ends up going through a lot of pain, that they should just be able to 'get over it' and should just choose to be happy.

 

The fact is that when anyone suffers this kind of pain, be it a break up or someone they love dies, they are already working on getting over their pain unknowingly, it's called grieving, hence the depression and everything else that goes with it (I've been through this myself). It's the situation which has happened which is to blame, not the person.

 

It may be their brain that causes this, but they don't exactly have any control over it, it's still not thier fault, it was the situation that caused them to feel this way. And they need time to deal with it, support and sympathy.

[Boldger]

Later on in the topic you stated you didn't mean that they can just switch depression off and happiness on like a switch, and that it takes work.

 

These two things are conflicting.

 

Nope. Negative emotions are self inflicted, and being happy is a choice (regardless of the amount of work it takes.) These are perfectly compatible.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Nope. Negative emotions are self inflicted, and being happy is a choice (regardless of the amount of work it takes.) These are perfectly compatible.

 

So you think that say, if someone's mum died and they feel really upset, that they are choosing to feel upset about it, and if they wanted to they could choose to be happy and then they'd suddenly be happy, so thereforeeee it's their fault? AKA you think they can just snap out of it?

[Boldger]

So you think that say, if someone's mum died and they feel really upset, that they are choosing to feel upset about it, and if they wanted to they could choose to be happy and then they'd suddenly be happy, so thereforeeee it's their fault? AKA you think they can just snap out of it?

 

Grieving is natural, but it is their choice to continue to be upset. Other than that, you're putting words in my mouth, because I never referred to it as suddenly being happy.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Grieving is natural, but it is their choice to continue to be upset. Other than that, you're putting words in my mouth, because I never referred to it as suddenly being happy.

 

Well when you say that it's a choice, and that they can decide to be happy, it does make it sound as though you think that all they have to do is think, right, I'm going to choose to be happy and then suddenly they're going to be happy.

 

When you say grieving is natural and it their choice to continue to be upset, do you mean that they have a choice in it straight away? Or do you mean after weeks or months, when maybe they could just be wallowing in self pity.

 

I know wallowing in self pity is sort of a choice in my experience, depending on the what has happened or whatever I like to feel like that because in some weird way it makes me feel better, I guess it's sort of like grieving because once I'm done I feel like I can move on and put it behind me.

[Boldger]

When you say grieving is natural and it their choice to continue to be upset, do you mean that they have a choice in it straight away?

 

Pretty much, the term straight away is pretty subjective though. But grieving is natural and can be healthy. I'm not advocating being a robot with no feelings.

[buckdawg]

look dude. we've lead you to the water now it's up to you to drink. i had the same argument with my wife when she told me it was a choice. i told her she didn't understand, that my life was full of self-doubt and criticism from within. if i had listened to her then i wouldn't be separated now. it took her withdrawing from me to finally figure it out. funny how in the depths of the deepest despair i came to that realization.

[JadedStar]

While life certainly deals us blows that will make us sad, hurt and even depressed, i would be most depressed about being in a world where we didn't control our own thoughts, to include happiness. We do drive it with our minds and thoughts most of the time. What a depressing thought to think that materialsitic possessions, or how one views us, or the weather, or all of these external forces could control if we are truly happy or not. These external things can make propensity to feel down a bit highter than feeling up, but we can choose to concentrate on the silver lining more than the black cloud. I guess I am not of the mindset that I will be controlled by any external force. I make my own future and control my thoughts.

 

Furthermore, people who DO get suddenly happier over a new materialistic aquisition are often people of lower self esteem who need external "things" to temporariy give a self esteem boost. I think we have all heard of rich people who get on a high buying high dollar items but it is only fleeting. They come down off of that high eventually and are miserable again.

 

A positive and negative thought cannot occupy your mind at the same time. YOU as the bearer of your thoughts CONTROL which take precedence. Think about it, you cannot have a happy and sad thought at the same time. One supersedes the other. thereforeeee you CAN will mind over matter. we have all met those people that seem to get off on being miserable. They COULD make themselves stop obsessing over all that is wrong in their lives and look at the things that ARE working. And we all also know those people who don't have much but seem so settled and happy. They made a conscious choice to spend most of their mental energy on pleasantries vs negativity.

 

And it is often HARDER to force your mind away from negativity to something positive but yes, it can be done. And the more you make yourself do this the easier and more natural it becomes.

 

So i do agree with those who say happiness is a choice. I don't mean to say we never have really emotional blows happen in our lives but people who CHOOSE to be happy will always overcome it quicker than those who dwell on being negative.

[JadedStar]

So you think that say, if someone's mum died and they feel really upset, that they are choosing to feel upset about it, and if they wanted to they could choose to be happy and then they'd suddenly be happy, so thereforeeee it's their fault? AKA you think they can just snap out of it?

 

A person who is overall happy and content and life CAN and WILL still grieve over life's blows. That is not what we are referring to here. Even happy people have life altering events that occur that will make them down. But people who are generally optimistic about life will bounce back so much qucker then their negative nelly counterparts.

 

I don't think anyone here is saying that if you experience a death of a loved one or something really bad happens that you wno't feel momentary sadness and grief. I think what i am hearing here is an overall state of mind and well being. Humans are emotional creatures, thus even happy people will experience emotions such as fear, grief, sadness, etc but they are able to bounce back quicker as they see the glass half full more often than half empty.

 

I think instead of concentrating on happiness vs sadness maybe this is more a debate about optimistic people vs pessimistic people.

[ilovepoemsalot]

look dude. we've lead you to the water now it's up to you to drink. i had the same argument with my wife when she told me it was a choice. i told her she didn't understand, that my life was full of self-doubt and criticism from within. if i had listened to her then i wouldn't be separated now. it took her withdrawing from me to finally figure it out. funny how in the depths of the deepest despair i came to that realization.

 

Well I know for a fact that after a disaster, like a relationship ending or someone you love dying, that I just can't turn my feelings off straight away and be happy.

 

If you both don't want to believe me then fine, but there's no reason for me to lie.

 

I had always thought that it's like this for everyone, but maybe I'm wrong, since no one else apart from myself and be gentlewitheme have posted in this topic saying what we're saying, which you'd think would happen.