Is breaking NC worth it in this situation?

[frail]

I had recently gone through a break up. My bf and i have been together for over 2 years, and had lived together for 1. I had moved to Ohio to be with him. We had gotten into an argument at his sisters wedding over him not giving me any attention at the reception. I spent the majority of the evening by myself. He is a social butterfly. I have social anxiety. I guess he forgot all about that. The next day he broke up with me. He didn't care for what i had to say. And he didn't say much either, just that i was "F*ed up" for being unhappy at his sisters wedding. I had to quit my new job and withdraw from school to move back to Michigan again and back home. Now i have to start COMPLETELY all over.

 

It's been a couple of weeks. It started off ok but it's been getting worse. I'm doing alot of what i consider self-harming things that arnt like me at all. I have a "i don't care anymore" attitude. I've gone most of this time not really thinking about him.

 

Now that's all i think about is writing an e-mail to him telling him all of the things i wanted to say. Saying my side of the wedding situation. And also telling him how i felt during the year while i was living with him. How the rosey picture of how life would be in Ohio, changed almost the instant i got there. It was honestly like he did it to get me there, and once i was there, nothing was the way it was suppose to be like. And how i lied everytime he asked if i was happy. I wasn't. I was away from my friends and family. I hadn't made a single friend when i was there. He traveled for work a lot more often then he said he would. I missed home terribly. I lied because i knew he wasn't going to come to Michigan. He hated Michigan. Just like i hated Ohio (which btw it was OK for him not to like Michigan but i was a bi**h for not likeing Ohio, afterall thats his home, his familys there, its the greatest place in the world!! Ugh so one sided huh?) I held it all in.

 

Then the last month i was there, i found a job i liked! And i was finally back in school to do something i wanted to do! I finally felt i was going to be ok. And then i felt him rip it all away from me. He hurt me more then ANYONE in my life ever had. And alot of people i had loved and trusted, have hurt me.

 

I don't know if i should write this e-mail. Or write it but not send it. Will i feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders, or regret that i broke NC and poured out my feelings to him??

 

I have also thought maybe i only want to write it to hurt him. I have never hated anyone before... and right now... i hate him with fire hotter then a thousand suns . I have even thought that if i do send it, i hope i write at least one line that will make him cry. What if that would be the true reason why i'd send an e-mail, would i be a horrible person?

 

 

Sorry, this was longer then i intended.

[SecretFlame]

 

I have also thought maybe i only want to write it to hurt him. I have never hated anyone before... and right now... i hate him with fire hotter then a thousand suns . I have even thought that if i do send it, i hope i write at least one line that will make him cry. What if that would be the true reason why i'd send an e-mail, would i be a horrible person?

 

 

Sorry, this was longer then i intended.

 

Oh my god were we dating the same guy? We were getting engaged, I just broke my apartment lease to move to a city 2 hours away with him, we had the best night ever then for no apparent reason the next morning he is screaming how I f*ed up and what a b**ch i am and how he never wants to see me, i make him ill, he wants to call the cops if i ever contact him again..blah blah blah

 

i have that same hatred. I do want him to cry.

[butterflyx0]

well first...do you feel like you are still in love with him? do you feel like you miss him and that there is a possibility for a reconcilation?

[frail]

Wow SecretFlame, your situation does sound very similar to mine. That's crazy! How have you been dealing?

 

Butterflyx0...i do miss him. However i don't feel all that heartbroken and that's confuseing me because i loved him so much! After the risk i had taken to move and be with him, and how he hung me out to dry like that, i don't feel there is a chance we could get back together. If i don't write the e-mail, he may pop into my life in another year with all the apoligies in the world. With all of his charm and all his regrets. But he's hurt me so bad, it's made me want to give up on everything. How could i get back with someone who did that to me??

[littlestar]

You can certainly write an email or letter explaining how you feel, however you dont need to send it, i know when i feel broke up with my ex i wrote a loooong letter but never gave it to him, it just felt better that i had written everything i had said on paper.

[Reilly2856]

I think you should write it and send it. It appears from your post that he didn't really give you the opportunity to explain yourself. So why not? What is the worst that can happen? Pour your heart out...you two are already broken, and the worst that can happen is that he will not answer (in which case, you at least feel better you told him how u felt) or he sends you a nasty letter (in which case, you can fire one back and tell him to get lost.)......just a suggestion on my part.

[bobsiesprincess]

i sent my ex a letter bout a month after we'd split just telling him where i think things went wrong and how i think they could be fixed. personally, it made me feel better because i know ive done everything i can to get him back. i did get a text saying he still thinks were better apart which hurt like hell, but in a way i got my closure. your situation is completely different though, if you dont want him back i dont know if theres much point in actually sending it. it will let him know your still thinking about it and not moving on. writing it down will help though.

[frail]

Thanks for all of your responses. I think i'll just let it be. Everything i wrote in the post is most of what i want to say anyway, just a little less detail. I do feel better after getting that out.

[melrich]

He is a social butterfly. I have social anxiety.

 

Yeah I think it is best to leave things. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge that maybe the issue of compatability, or lack of, outweighs everything else.

[SRufus]

social anxiety is my thing too.

[Hopefloats]

I have also thought maybe i only want to write it to hurt him. I have never hated anyone before... and right now... i hate him with fire hotter then a thousand suns . I have even thought that if i do send it, i hope i write at least one line that will make him cry. What if that would be the true reason why i'd send an e-mail, would i be a horrible person?

I did this. I wrote that note and prayed while I was spewing my venom that it would make him cry. I wanted him to sting, half as much as I stung. I swore and convinced myself I'd feel soooo better once I piled my hurtful words on him.

 

Blah.

 

How I ended up feeling was stupid, very low, sad and embarrassed that I stooped to that level. I don't know if it hurt him...I just know it ended up hurting me. They were words I was embarrassed came out from my thoughts and into words for him to read.

 

I'm afraid hon the only thing that will help, is for you to get over your anger. You won't be free of him, until you do. I had someone tell me this and I didn't believe them at first, or maybe I just didn't WANT to believe them...I dunno...but it's absolutely true. While you remain angry, you are allowing them a "bond", and until you let that go, that bond will stay glued to you.

 

I wish you well.