Does anyone know: Is the grass ever REALLY greener?

[everafter]

Has anyone out there ever left a spouse for a new or old love and actually been glad they did? I'd like to hear from people who have actually done this. I'm not talking about God or the issues of commitment, but simply the experience of leaving an 'okay' marriage for the excitement and possibilities of a new life/love. Thanks!

[DREAM]

Well I can say I have, my first love was just something out of this world and we were together for 1y10months, but then this new guy came into my life and charmed me away, I was then with this guy for 10months knowing that he was noting like my old bf, so I dumped him and went back to my old bf, but by the time I got back to him he had changed and was not the same guy I was with once. It was all a mess. Well we split up and then with out with another guy and well things are wicked with him. But I will never forget my first love. I still love him the same as I did 7yers ago.

[lessthanjed]

I would say that it generally isn't greener. At first, it is. After the Honeymoon stage is over, you get to see who the person really is. Generally, your old bf fits you a lot better.

 

Humans just aren't monogamous by nature.

[mike-e-mike]

The saying is, "the grass is always greener on the other side". meaning we will always want what we cant have, because we will never really know if it is better or not. Its kind of like a parent and a lost kid, we cant help but always think the more positive of the 2 extremes.

 

I also know of another saying, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

[solstice48]

Generally the grass will be greener if you stay where you are & water it

[Princess777]

*laughing so hard from solstice's comment*!!!! that's hilarious!

 

I think it depends a lot upon the situation... no one can sit here and tell you that the grass is ALWAYS greener or the grass is NEVER greener, it just is sometimes, and other times, it's not..... I think one has to ask themselves a lot of questions before leaving, (see my post, "When is enough ENOUGH?") ... I was trying to find out what questions we should be asking ourselves before doing the deed.

 

You asked for personal experiences that turned out "greener", well, I can sit here and tell you that I'm on my third marriage (go figure) and guess what? I've learned from leaving the previous two husbands that my relationships were only a result of what I allowed them to be....I didn't leave either one of them for anyone in particular. I definitely DO NOT REGRET leaving the ones I left, because I didn't leave specifically for someone else, and I never once looked back after I made my decision to file the papers. I put myself in certain situations and am responsible for "watering the grass" afterward, as solstice said. Just like you, I constantly knew with my first two marriages that there had to be something better out there, and I knew I married them for the wrong reasons. My first husband cheated after 10 years so I knew that wasn't for me anymore, the second wanted me to be his mom and was a rebound relationship, and now my third is the only man I've ever truly loved and he is an ex-con with a temper problem. Ha Ha Ha..... and I'm giving advice!!!! Geez.... anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I think the key to the green grass is KNOWING in your head what you DON'T want in a relationship (the weeds!) before getting into it. Cause once you're in it, it's difficult to just drop it all and walk away, and the "weeds" take over! And while we cannot control the way we fall in love with someone or the feelings that we get for a person, you can control whether or not you pursue it in the BEGINNING..... don't let yourself fall for the wrong person, don't ignore the red flags, and you'll be okay. I think the "greener grass" has more to do with YOU than with someone "out there".... I think we all have fallen into relationships that just happened without thinking them through and asking ourselves the right questions, like, do I really want this in my life? I hope this makes sense.....like previous posters said, every guy or girl has their faults that will eventually come out and bug the crap out of you, (none of us are perfect, so stop looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect....they don't exist!!!) and some have said "it's better to have the devil you know, rather than the one you don't."

This is not to advise to stay with someone who is abusive in any way..... also, I feel that chemistry is one of the most important things in a relationship - I never had that with either of my first two husbands, and I think that was a huge contributor to the failed marriages, because like it or not, we're all human and if our partner does not turn us on, we're in for a really boring relationship. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know what real love was until I met my current husband.... he has plenty of faults but I still love him unconditionally.

[kofi2]

I would say it is an illusion to believe the grass is greener on the other side if you are in a relationship unless it is an abusive one. Sometimes, we as people should focus on the good qualities of our partners instead of dwelling on such petty and minor issues. If such reasons drive us into jumping fence things will seem good after a while but when the dust settles you will realize how much of an ass you made of yourself dumping your partner because of something minor. The way i see it is this, remember as a kid when you got a toy; you were so excited. You stop playing with your old toys and concentrate on this new toy alone. After playing with it a couple of times you get bored with it and revert back to the old toys realizing that new toy has the same value as your old toys. But the funny thing is when you had the old toy, for those few days, it was the best thing toy in thw world in your eyes. That is how i see relationships, if your partner has about 90% of the qualities you desire dont take a chance trying to upgrade even though we as human intutively want to because unlike the old toys if you get tired of the new toy, (for me personally), you are out of my life. OPPORTUNITY COMES BUT ONCE.

[routerx]

I can assure you that the problem is not your marriage, it's how you deal with your day-to-day marriage. The problem is not life, but how we deal with it.

Sorry, but marriage is a "God" issue. The fact that you try to exclude God from your question shows the main problem. God is the 3rd party to your marriage, exclude him and no wonder you consider leaving. Include him.. pray with your husband.. and I can assure you, God will bless you for it.

[sisterlynch]

My mother told me one time that men are all about the same, it is your interaction with them that helps you to differentiate them from each other. If you start to see your husband as someone who is single and may run away, you may find that you will treat him in a way that makes him a lot more interesting to be with. No body wants to be married to a "father" figure so don't treat him as such, treat him as an equal and hopefully he will treat you that way too.

[everafter]

Wow! Thank you all for your input! You've given me some really great advice. I just love "Generally the grass will be greener if you stay where you are & water it" - that's one I'll definitely think about every day!

 

And Princess777, you really hit it on the head when you wrote "chemistry is one of the most important things in a relationship". My situation is such that I'm struggling with the temptation of being with my old boyfriend (from thirteen years ago). We had a chemistry that was absolutely amazing, and the thought of recapturing it with him is overwhelming. The excitement of someone new, of a new body to be with, is what my marriage is missing. And sisterlynch, you wrote "If you start to see your husband as someone who is single and may run away, you may find that you will treat him in a way that makes him a lot more interesting to be with." That is absolutely true. If I think of him as "single and looking", I'd definitely find him more exciting, more interesting.

 

I appreciate every one of you for helping me with your advice. I'll work on watering my own grass, on remembering that any new toy will someday be an old toy.

[sydsmami]

I have daydream that I keep when I am having a really bad day in my marriage. I sit back and think of the relationship I started at 15 and ended in heartbreak and depression in my early 20's. To this day the man makes my teeth sweat. He is married now also. I have stayed in touch with him my entire marriage and that is a source of shame for me, but I seem to always find out what is going on with him and even if we lose touch, there are always people we knew in the past that can fill us in on how the other is doing. But we broke up for a reason. He hit really hard. He drank more than he ate and we fought harder that we made up. He's the one in the back of my head and in my dreams and that's a good enough place for him.

 

[trulyDee]

The grass is NEVER greener, just different.