Is he making a fool of me???

[Bamabelle]

Here is what started it all….

 

 

Me and my guy have been together a year and a half. about six months into our relationship a girl moved here that wanted to be with him. He lied to me about many things and I caught him. Unlike her when she found out what was going on she would not talk to him. he called me and told me that he loved me and i took him back. I never regained trust...that girl became friends with his girlfriends and when she is around I think that maybe she will want him back and I was insecure and jealous. he said he would never be with her again...but I was always sceptical. now a year later, if I dont go out his friends go out and she is around sometimes. I get angry and think something is going on. he got mad and said I dont trust him...I tried for so long but i cant stand her being around. now he wants to take a break because he feels i dont trust him and he cant go on with me constantly reminding him of what he did. how can i move on when she is around. anyways, now he does not want to be with me becuase he says i will never get over it. now i miss him, but he does not want to get back together. he says he loves me, but he doesnt feel i will ever trust him. what do i do..wait for him..i do love him, but it is hurtful... is this his easy way of letting me go or does he really think time will heal our issues...i am becoming more resentful by the day.Help, how to establish trust

 

Update (now what)

 

I know this will sound bad, but my boyfriend was really pulling away, but wanted to keep me on a string. I was willing to give him time to think about our relationship. He said he was not interested in dating other women. Well here is the clincher. He checked his voicemail from my cell phone and thereforeeee left his password in my phone. I could not help but want to know if he was lying to me or being honest. I started checking his messages and there were several girls calling him. I was furious. I finally broke it off and came clean about me checking his phone. He said he was just talking to them, and that he loves me but he is confused....what in the world do i do? I said we should not talk, but he says that he misses me and is scared and that he might be making a mistake. We are broken up, but neither one of us can completely let go. I feel he is sincere, what do i do?

[Mar]

I think you both have some serious trust issues going on, which, as you've stated, you can't let go of. I would seriously take the break. You said several times that you can't trust him, and you have NO evidence that he's cheating on you. Yes, he talks to girls...so what? I have guy friends, and, while my guy doesn't like me talking to them that often, he still knows that I love him and won't cheat on him just because I'm talking to them.

 

Since you said yourself that you can't let go of the fact that this girl is around, and since it seems inevitable that she WILL be around, I'd suggest staying single until you can really, HONESTLY say you've gotten over this jealousy issue, which isn't likely, from the sound of it. You can't say you trust someone, forgive whatever mistakes they've made, have them BELIEVE it, then throw it back in their face time and time again when you get into a fight about something completely unrelated, that just ruins a relationship, as you've discovered.

 

Don't get back together with him because you confuse missing him and loving him with TRUSTING him. Huge difference there. I know insecurity is a strong thing to fight, having had to do it myself, but take this time to work on why you're so insecure, and thereforeeee distrustful. No, he's not perfect either, but you have no evidence that he's done anything other than what he's told you, which is loving you and only wanting to be with you, yet you still fought with him over cheating. There's not a guy out there who would put up with those unfounded accusations indefinitely, my friend.

 

So I would, at this point, take a break and see what happens. And also apologize, quite honestly. It wouldn't hurt for him to know that you realize you have issues with jealousy and insecurity and have realized that. If you want to have any sort of chance in getting back together with him, you have to come to terms with the fact that this girl, and possibly other girls, are going to hang out with him and his friends once in awhile, accept that, and TRUST him as well. Hard thing to do, but that's the only answer I see to solving the problem.

 

Mar

[The Morrigan]

Me and my guy have been together a year and a half. about six months into our relationship a girl moved here that wanted to be with him. He lied to me about many things and I caught him. Unlike her when she found out what was going on she would not talk to him. he called me and told me that he loved me and i took him back.

 

This part wasn't really clear to me - did he actually encourage and get together with this girl, or was this more like she decided she liked him, wanted a chance with him, and appeared?

 

I agree with most of what Mar said. Thing is, in any relationship, whether it's with friends, at work, or at school, there generally WILL be someone of the opposite sex who will be attracted to your significant other. And most people have friends of both sexes. You have to decide if he's worth trusting to handle it himself - and follow through on that trust. If he thinks there's gonna be trouble if he mentions another girl in even a friendly or casual sense - he's gonna lie about it, or at least omit saying anything about it. Nobody wants to be cross-examined as if they're not capable of deciding for themselves when and how they can make and talk to friends. And if he's knows you don't trust him, he probably doesn't trust your reaction if he's open about who he's talking to and when.

 

If you're think you'd prefer to know at least in general what's up, you have to be prepared to get a firm grip on the jealousy and shove it off to the side, and listen to him mentioning casually "I'm gonna call Janice back about that CD" or whatever. And make sure the point gets accross you're not gonna make judgements about it, that he doesn't HAVE to hide anything to avoid it becoming an issue.

 

I can see it would be no little upsetting to have some chick appear in the area to get together with your guy - but from the sounds of it, she stopped talking to him for a reason - did he make it clear he was already involved with you? You say he has a lot of girls as friends - maybe he inadvertently led her on a bit trying not to hurt her feelings, or didn't read the signs well as far as her understanding of his intentions? It can happen - you're "nice" and nothing else, and it gets read as interest, especially if it's the same way you are with your other friends, it's like "huh???"

 

It sounds like before you guys think about jumping in again, you need to do some serious soul searching, and TALK. In a calm and non-judgemental manner, no accusations, more like "when you do this, this is the way I find myself reacting and it's hurting us both," and see if you can come up with some solutions to break the cycle you've gotten into. You gotta figure out why you're reacting the way you do before you can fix anything, same goes for him.