What do you plan to do next time?

[Infrared]

There are post all the time about the sorrow of breaking up and threads asking for advice. I thought that a thread about what we plan to do differently in our next relationship would be positive thing for these boards. This goes for dumpers and dumpees, as I believe even if we have been wronged, we still gain learning experiences from the pain. I'll start.

 

A little background. My X dumped me twice. The first time in May of 06 she came running back (without apologizing for the things she said: should have seen that red flag) and just started acting like we were together again. We were going to have to do long distance for a while (she graduated first, I had a semester left.) and one of the things she said to me during the first break up was this: "I can't date you long distance because I know I'll just break up with you down the road when were together again." She was knocking on my dorr three weeks later asking for me back, and I chalked it up to scariness of graduating that caused the break up.

 

What I'm going to learn from it: Trust my gut and pay attention to what your value is to a person! It was screaming at me the whole time I took her back at me. "INFRARED!", it said, "think about what she said. If she does this again, think how pissed off you'll be since she'll have wasted your last days at University". But I didn't, and just like she predicted, she broke up with me once we were back together. I've realized I was an emtional crutch for her. When she dumped me, she had no friends and was scared of the future. So it now is unsurprising that when she finally made some friends and a career she acted out again on her initial impulse.

 

I think next time I'm going to make quicker less thought out decisions. I know that doesn't sound good, but when it comes to relationships I'm going to go with my gut reaction for now on.

[surfjon]

I plan to simply never again allow myself to be defined by, or rely on anyone else to feel "complete".

 

Learning that I am a complete person on my own, was hard to do.

I'm still coming to terms with that.

 

After 21 years with my estranged wife, I had allowed us to sort of become one person, co-dependant on each other.

 

When it fell apart, I felt like part of me died.

 

I'll never let that happen again. People must complement each others personna, but not define or become it.

[MarkD]

my ex broke up with me after being together for 5 years. She said that there was stuff going on during the relationship that upset her etc... The problem is that she never came out and told me exactly how she was feeling. I am not ready for another relationship yet...but what I am scared of in my next relationship, is the fact that I thought the relationship i was in was GREAT! I got blind sided out of nowhere...and it wasn't like I was with the girl for a couple months....5 YEARS!!!! i don't want to punish the next woman that comes in my life for my last relationship, but I just don't know how I am not going to be paranoid that my GF isn't happy.

[EricAK]

For sure I WILL NOT ignore my instincts again. Your gut and instincts are usually about 90% correct and I'll take the chance on missing out on that last 10%.

 

If in a relationship, I really don't know. It is like asking "how will you handle your death?" or "What would you do if your house was burning down?" You just never know until you are in it, and any and all prognostication is pointless.

 

When I am in one, I'll let you know.

 

Eric

[yellow_sweater]

This is an awesome thread.

 

1) I will not define myself as "XXXX's girlfriend." I am and always will be YS.

 

2) My happiness and well-being will be on par with my partner's. My partner will be responsible for his own personal fulfillment. I will not make myself depressed because my partner is depressed and I can't lift him out of it.

 

3) I will enjoy myself more in the moment. Knowing that everything I have today may be gone by tomorrow makes this exact moment sweet and juicy with possibility. I will not wait, I will not put my life on hold, I will live now and only now.

 

4) I'm naturally a pretty active and adventurous person, and next time around I will nurture my curiosity and boldness. If my partner doesn't want to participate, that's totally fine! It's important to have some separate interests and activities. I'm just not sitting around at home any longer.

 

5) I will not "baby" my partner. I think that I'm a pretty mature woman, and I will expect the same type of maturity out of my future partner.

 

Those were the first things to come to mind. I'm sure there's more!

 

To turn the tables, what would you do the same?

 

1) I will love his family like my own. I became pretty close to my ex's family, and I miss them a lot. It was great to have an extended support system, especially because the ex's family was closer (distance) than mine.

 

2) When the time is right, I'll give 100%. A lot of people hold back a little because they're afraid of getting hurt... I have a hard time doing that, for better or for worse.

 

3) I'll trust my instincts. I knew that my ex (of seven years) was interested in a certain person as more than "just a friend." I was right.

 

4) I'll compromise on the little things. IMO what makes a relationship work is knowing to pick your battles. Is it really important if he leaves his socks laying around if he's great about taking out the trash? Nah.

 

Guess that's about it... an interesting question, definitely.

 

YS

[bubblyblonde11]

Go at my own pace

 

Not be so giving and loving

 

Make sure that I keep up my things I like to do

 

Try not to get swepted under by aload of what turns out to be total BS

[JadedStar]

I cannot tell you how beneficial this type of post is and I am so glad to see something like this posted.

 

Putting this kind of a spin on a break up (or any adversity we face in life) is really healthy and it helps the healing process once we move from the stage of anger to the stage of acceptance. In this stage of acceptance also looking at the break up in a positive light as in "what did i learn about this", "what will "I" do differently next time", "what part did i play in this and hwo do I make sure I don't make this mistake twice" are outstanding ways of moving on thru the grief process and it bears the incredible bonus of putting our lives and happiness back into our own hands and not in someone else's.

 

For me, what i learned with my past relationship with my ex husband is that being angry that he didn't do the things i wanted were a complete deterrent to my healing process and that i had to recognize there were some things i consciously chose to tolerate and there were warning flags i chose to ignore. I knew second time around not to do that again.

[Beginningandend]

Trust my instincts, live each day as if it were my last or their last and hope that will be enough.

[Happy2bme]

Good post I will:

Pay attention to the red flags...

Will not listen to or accept poor excuses for bad behavior

Not isolate myself from friends and family

Put myself first or equal instead of last

Will stand up to what I know to be right

Say no and communicate why instead of sulk an expect him to read my mind!!

Do things that I enjoy and want to and not do things I dislike just to make him happy!

Follow my instinct/gut feelings...

Listen to my inner voice....follow the advice I would give to a friend

Love myself and not always look for it from someone else (same goes for value, praise, pamper etc)

 

Wow this is really theraputic....I will save this in my journal and repeat when necessary!!!

 

signed

A recovering co-dependant!!!

XXXX

[cabman]

I am just trying to survive this time!!!

[love4life]

Love this. I think going with your gut is key.

 

My gut was telling me "He's the one", until one day when he let me down. At that point my gut "flipped". He continued to let me down or make me question him, but I kept at things because of my inital gut reaction.

 

Next time I get that flip, I'll address it.

[FreedomRing]

~Pay close attention to family upbringing, makeup and childhood stories, because they are very indicative of how one can/will act in their own personal relationships

~From the answer above, follow my gut completely!

~Keep in mind that love does not conquer all, but rather love AND respect, communication and trust conquers all..

[Soulhi123]

Crap...im waiting for that next time cause I think it'll be the straw that breaks the camels back in my healing process haha. Yea basically what everyone said.

 

Ill baby the person but I wont allow myself to be babied that much..you know..being cooked for...laundry...doing my schedules...even being washed down...-_-/=D...

I think im gonna treat the person with the same respect as my past relationships..just ease up on the /spendingbuying jewelry....Im so broke from all that. But yea that gut feeling I had and ignored definetly would have saved me a lot of pain..but brought a lot of good memories too. So im not too sure on the gut thing, its a double edged sword for me in my past situations.

Be my own person and depend only on myself for the big issues, you cant really avoid situations where you do depend on the other for somethings...Do things I want and if they have a problem with it explain that its harmless and Im not doing it to meet girls. Hopefully the next person will enjoy most of the adventurous hobbies I have. Don't neglect any of my friends and family for her. I had to hold a lot back because of my past ex's and thats just bad behavior on both of our parts. Probably more but these are the big ones! Great Thread btw! Kudos~ Thanx

[Tory]

Go at my own pace

 

Not be so giving and loving

 

Make sure that I keep up my things I like to do

 

Try not to get swepted under by aload of what turns out to be total BS

 

Ditto.

 

And I plan on sticking up for my point of views and get her to respect me as a person, and not as a boy-toy that she can control at whim.

 

I also plan on being less friendly to her friends or any other woman I know since sometimes women can misperceive my outgoing, friendly behavior as flirting.