desperately need your help...PLEASE...

[margarita]

i broke up with my boyfriend in april, but we've still been in touch. he's been asking me back ever since but i couldn't commit because of my parents. (they DON'T LIKE him) however, around 3 weeks ago he said he had to start keeping his distance because he didn't want to get hurt anymore. (i guess he felt so rejected because i couldn't commit)

 

maybe i should give you a background so that you'll understand my situation better....

 

we started out as friends around four years ago, but that friendship quickly blossomed into something more. we found that we could talk about anything and we were just so comfortable with each other...we started talking on the phone every night, sometimes til morning. my folks talked to him and told him to give me some space, i guess so that i could concentrate on my studies (i was in college then). but one day my parents found out he visited me at the dorm to give me a teddy bear because he was leaving for somewhere the next day. they got really mad and never forgave him for that. i couldn't understand why, since nothing happened at all! we just had fast food dinner, i didn't even let him hold my hand, much less let him in the dorm!! anyway, he courted me for about a year before we finally became "officialy together". at first my parents didn't know about it (for obvious reasons). i didn't like lying to them, but there was no other way for us to be together. as fate would have it, they eventually found out about us. of course they were disappointed, but i had hoped that since we didn't have to keep it secret anymore, things would be better. but they just got worse. everytime i'd ask permission to go out with him, my parents and i would end up arguing what time i should be home and where i was allowed to go (places not very far from my house). it was so irritating coz i was like 20 years old already!! we couldn't do things couples normally do like watch a movie and i usually had to be home by 10 or 11. arrrgghh!!! and of course this had an effect on my relationship with my boyfriend, since the time i could spend with him was so limited.

 

finally i just couldn't take all the fighting at home anymore, (i even ran away a couple of times, but i don't think my parents got the point) and i knew that eventually i would have to choose between them and him. thus, my decision.

 

i know my parents mean well and that they want the best for me, but i just don't understand why things have to be this way. when my boyfriend said he had to move on, i realized i didn't want to lose him yet...i also don't want him to think i'm giving up on him just like that. i realize how lucky i am coz he stayed all these years in spite of all the hardship he had to go through (which i am experiencing now, coz the tables have turned and now i'm the one feeling rejected coz i'm not sure if he still loves me as much as he did before coz he seems so distant) but somehow i know deep inside he still loves me...he is my first love. we've even already talked about marriage sometime in the future. we've been through SO MUCH. we've shared so much. i hate it when people tell me there's so many fish in the sea. maybe it's true..but i just can't let go. i keep dreaming that my story will have a happy ending.

 

sorry this is so long...i would appreciate encouraging (and i guess even painfully realistic) advice. thanks! you can pm me too.

[russia]

if you are still tied to your parents by age or studies, i am afraid your bf has to either wait somemore, or give it up.

 

if you and your bf are both independent then you have an option to move in with him. however, jumping from courting to living together is a major relationship test. you learn things about him you never did before. i hope it's good stuff. cos i am not sure if your parents will take you back after you 'eloped'

 

i don't see a marriage in the works, do you?

[kittenpawz96]

geez, i feel for you. i really do, i've dated guys my parents hated before as well, of course my situation was different because my parents were divorced and i just left to go live with my mom. it sounds like that isn't an option for you. i guess you know that running away isn't really a safe option and believe me i know it sucks to fight with your family. but have you tried not arguing, but sitting down and having a talk about this with your parents? i mean from what you're telling me i can't understand why they would have any good reason to not like the guy. try sitting down and having an adult conversation with them. tell them the way you feel about this guy, how he feels about you, emphasize his good characteristics , say if he's real responsible or he takes good care of you, et cetera. also remind them you are out of high school, you are an adult, with adult feelings, you are twenty years old. maybe it's sex they're afraid of. if you aren't into sex before marriage, bring that up to help with your parents. it sounds like they either don't trust him, or you. tell them if that is how you feel, that you aren't going to have sex until you guys tie the knot, you know it's chancey, and it would hurt their feelings. tell them how much it is hurting you for them to be treating your bf this way. ask them to try to understand, if they had any troubles when they first got together long before you.if they don't trust him, ask why. or if they don't trust you, see if there is anything you can do to instill their trust in you once again. or if you are financially able, and all else fails, get a place of your own. there is really nothing anyone can do if you are twenty and paying your own rent. i think if you are paying the bills, you are the boss you know? just try being open and honest and tell your bf that you will try and talk to them, ask him just to try and be patient, although it sounds like he really has been for a long time. if your love for each other is strong, i think it can survive the test. good luck hon.