What is the worst he can do?

[vinnee]

Last October, my son's dad took off with our son to go live in Oregon (I am in Maryland!) with some woman he had been cyber chatting with for two months. We had split a long while before that but had never had custody settled. He gave no warning that he was doing this and the only reason I found out by the next morning was because he had stopped by a relative's house to mapquest his destination and the relative noticed his car was packed full of his and our son's belongings and called me. He is an alcoholic, has had 3 DUIs, and court mandated rehab visits in the past.

He had him out of school for two and a half weeks by the time I caught up with him. I took my son home with me, saying he could have our son back at the end of the school year. This was a lie, I had moved to a different state and was preparing to bring my son there before this happened. I had to wait 6 months before this new state was considered my son's home state and that is when I filed for full custody. When he took off with our son, on top of everything else he has done in the past, he showed me he was in no way responsible as a parent. Till this is settled, I don't want to risk him taking off again, so visitation has stopped due to his dragging his feet about things.

Our first court date is coming up. He tells our son that he will be in town that weekend and he wants to take him to a movie that Saturday night and to run around all day Sunday. He did not talk to me about it first. I work on Saturdays, but I am off on Sundays. I told him WE (me, him, our son, he could even bring his new girlfriend) could go to the movies that Saturday evening when I got off work and that I was completely willing to show him around and make sure we got to all the things they wanted to do since he doesn't know the area.

He didn't want this. First he said his girlfriend would be uncomfortable. I said she'll get over it if she's worth anything. Then he said he didn't want to spend the day with me. I said I didn't relish the idea of an entire day around him either, but if it meant making our son happy I could paint a smile on my face and play nice. He suddenly didn't want to go anywhere on Sunday. He said fine, I'll just take him to a movie. I said if that was his choice we could just go to a movie. He blew up! "You're not coming!"

This is the last weekend where if he were to take off with him it would not be a felony. His behavior makes me think he is looking for an opportunity to run with him again. So I said "It will happen this way or not at all!"

He says I have no right, that he will see our son without me tagging along and if I try to stop him he will see to it that the full penalty of preventing this will come down on my head.

What could he possibly do to me about this?

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

If you have a court date I would guess you also have a lawyer.

 

How about asking him or her what the best course of action is?

 

You want to be careful and not do something that could keep you from getting custody, but I understand your fear that your ex might run with him again.

 

This weekend has nothing to do with your ex's new gf, and he should be making your son the priority and not his new gf.

 

But that's a story for another post, right?

 

Talk to your lawyer.

[melrich]

I don't believe he can do anything about this. There are no custody or court orders in place so there is no recourse there.

 

I think until you have appropriate orders in place the only way you should allow him time with your son is under supervision.

 

How old is your son BTW?

[vinnee]

I have sent him an email, but this didn't land on me till after work hours so he cannot be reached. I was hoping to find out if anyone else has gone through this. My lawyer has said to not let him see Kyle unsupervised, and I completely agree. I am willing to be uncomfortable for a day if it makes my son happy, but his dad's reaction to it indicates to me that he is looking to take off. I HATE this man for running off with our son! He has threatened to run me over with a car since I filed and I'm still willing to be around him. His dad's refusal seems like a big indication to me.

[vinnee]

I don't believe he can do anything about this. There are no custody or court orders in place so there is no recourse there.

 

I think until you have appropriate orders in place the only way you should allow him time with your son is under supervision.

 

How old is your son BTW?

 

He is almost 10. He doesn't want to live with his dad, but he does miss him and wants to see him.

 

If it is about me having the right to have my son because there has been no order in place, doesn't this apply to his father as well?

[melrich]

If it is about me having the right to have my son because there has been no order in place, doesn't this apply to his father as well?

 

Yes I it does but in a situation where you are separated, I don't believe there is any legal recourse available to him UNTIL there are court orders. Now if he feels you are denying access then he can file for those orders. From what you are saying, one of you has already filed for those orders.

 

So in theinterim, I think you have to use your best judgement. I think demanding supervision is appropriate. I am not sure that you should be the one to provide that supervision but that is another matter.

[vinnee]

I have filed and the following Monday after that weekend is our first appearance in court. Till we appear in court, no decision about visitations, supervised or not, can be made. So I guess I'm wondering if that means we are still both equally his guardians. My lawyer has said till we appear in court, I shouldn't let him see him alone because till it is settled he is still within his rights to take him anywhere. It just sounds like this is in the grey zone. If he still has the right to take off, wouldn't that mean he has the right to show up with a cop and say "she has my son and won't let me see him officer"?

[melrich]

I would take your lawyers advice.

[BornToResist]

First of all, calm down. Take a deep breath.

 

There are no court orders in place, thereforeeee you cannot be breaking any. You have every right to do what you feel is best, and your son resides primarily with you so you basically call the shots until you go to court. Take your lawyer's advice. You are doing the right thing.

 

If he shows up with a police officer, they will ask to see the court-ordered visitation schedule. Actually, he'll have to show them that before they will even think about taking any kind of action. And since there isn't one, you aren't doing anything wrong.

 

The worst that can happen is he'll say to the judge "she won't let me see him!" to which you can reply "well you're going to run off with him" and the judge will COMPLETELY understand. Your feelings are not unfounded, you know? He has proven to you that he WILL be unpredictable and downright dangerous, and it's up to you to fight that I guess you could say.

 

Don't worry, you aren't doing anything wrong. Just tell him you'd be happy to all go together to see a movie, but if he doesn't like that idea, then you'll be happy to abide by the judges decision when that comes.

 

Good luck, keep us updated!

[vinnee]

My lawyer told me pretty much the same thing Born To Resist said this morning. The worst he could do was he could file a grievance, which he would have to in Maryland, wait for it to go through and since our court date is Oct. 1st, it wouldn't even go through before our appearance. I left him a message letting him know this earlier today. I guess it is just wait and see now.

If we do all end up hanging out that weekend, I will have my son's birth certificate and SS card on me but his dad won't know it. I am a little worried about whether he will get violent or not since he has in the past when things don't go his way. Part of me wants my boyfriend to come just in case since my ex won't be alone, but the other part of me worries that that will just make the situation worse as I am sure he would flip out if my SO corrected Kyle on anything in front of him.

My mom always use to talk about how hard it was to raise a child on your own when the father didn't want to be involved........I'm starting to feel like she had it easier!

[BornToResist]

I know what you mean. Sometimes it's like trying to swim upstream.

 

Try not to worry. Once court papers were filed on me, I was prohibited from leaving the state at all...I don't know if it works like that with you though. Just keep your son's best interests at heart and everything should work out fine.

 

If he's been violent in the past, why would you go out of your way to put yourself in a compromising position? I'd suggest you take your boyfriend if you're at all worried...otherwise just stick to public places.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

[vinnee]

If I take my boyfriend then violence is pretty much guaranteed. He has zero respect for my son's dad because he feels like if we hadn't brought my son here when we did his dad was going to "ruin a perfectly good child" , the fact that he has paid no support in almost a year, and is an alcoholic (an only semi functioning one at that). He feels like he has been doing the ex's job and takes more pride in it that my ex did. So if the ex mouthed off to him it would not only be a matter of disrespect in general, but a disrespect of the fact that he is seeing to my son's needs largely due to the ex's lacking. My son is exceedingly intelligent and was invited to an advanced math and science program he would've really enjoyed. It cost extra and we just missed the deadline for it this year because we couldn't come up with the money. We work our butts off to meet his needs and if his father was being responsible at all, we could've enrolled him in it. My boyfriend was pretty upset that my son couldn't take this opportunity considering my son keeps saying he wants to be a quantum physicist. So the timing of this is really bad. He is so mad about this missed opportunity that he'd likely snap if he had to put up with much grief from the ex.