8 Years Wasted Don't feel loved

[everythingchanges456]

My ex and I of 8 years broke up recently. I can't pinpoint the timing. It all began early February and I asked him to leave for good at the very end of April. We own a home together which I've lived in alone for the past 4 1/2 months while saving money to get my own place and for us to decide who will keep the house. He wouldn't live here right now and the house would have sat empty because he had an affair with our neighbor. (Our neighbor finally moved last week.)

 

This week I had an unexpected and painful medical problem that wound up requiring surgery. For the last several months since we broke up....though he was quiet in the beginning he began to call non-stop begging to talk to me...all the usual. No romantic gestures though which is / was a complaint of mine throughout the course of our relationship. He tried to make efforts....a mother's day present from him and his son that was very thought out....expensive concert tickets for my birthday which he spent alot of planning to get. All the monetary stuff doesn't matter.

 

He comes here a lot during the day while I'm working to do things for his business. While here he does little things like load the dishwasher, fold a load of towels...etc. which I keep asking him not to do. repeatedly. When he called a lot I told him he has to stop. I try to keep our conversation to an as needed basis...mainly by email, and mainly about the house. He told me I'd always know when he was here because he'd always leave a note. The history of all this is in some of my older posts. Every note was signed I love you and I miss you then two weeks ago they stopped.

 

We've always been close and he is has been my family for eight years. I had unexpected pain and needed surgery this last week. He stayed at the house and watched my dog but never called to see how I was....never came to the hospital. Everyone I knew was calling to tell me they loved me and not to be scared and that it would be okay. All he said was to have someone keep him informed and that he hoped surgery went okay. I am hurt he let me stay at a friends while he stayed here while I recovered. It hurt me he didn't call to tell me he loved me knowing the scary things I am/was facing. He hurt me that all the other "stuff" wasn't put aside out of genuine love and caring. It hurt me he didn't come to the hospital. I found out yesterday he is dating someone new the last two weeks. It hurts me that he was saying he loved me up until two weeks ago and now when I was more scared and in pain then ever he didn't....relationships aside but just because this was LIFE and he loves me and should have wanted to make sure I knew that and wasn't alone. My heart is broken and I don't understand. His family didn't call...he wasn't there for me.

[KG]

Don't know what to say, besides I'm sorry. Family, friends, lovers do some very hurtful things...whether they mean to or not.

I hope you'll be OK.

How did your surgery go?

Are you better now?

KG

[everythingchanges456]

Yes...I'll know for sure in a couple days but I feel GOOD Thank you

 

Thank you...I'm sorry too

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am very very sorry. You know the stuff people are made of when you are in a crisis situation and they don't come through for you. Even if he was dating someone else, that is no reason to act without empathy and compassion during your time of crisis. On the other hand, it is quite possible that since you did not encourage his gestures prior to this, maybe he felt that you might not want him around up close and personal during this time. Maybe he felt that he was doing his bit by looking after the dog and having other people fill him in on your condition. When there is a health crisis, not everyone feels comfortable flocking around the person going through the crisis because they figure the person needs time to rest, and that there are plenty of others helping out. It is tough to say whether his reason for not being there for you in the capacity you wanted is due to coldness, or simply due to him feeling this might be the best for you under the circumstances.

 

No romantic gestures though which is / was a complaint of mine throughout the course of our relationship. He tried to make efforts....a mother's day present from him and his son that was very thought out....expensive concert tickets for my birthday which he spent alot of planning to get. All the monetary stuff doesn't matter.

 

It is this that makes me wonder if maybe he did not feel appreciated. You say he was not good on romantic gestures...but I would say that when someone takes a lot of time and effort to do something for their partner, something they know would really please their partner...that is much more romantic than clichéd roses, weekend getaways, rose petals all over the room or candlelight dinners. Have you really taken a good look at your own role in the demise of the relationship...the gestures he has made to you.. perhaps he could sense that you didn't appreciate them as much as he had hoped...when someone is making gestures that they feel is warm and loving, but it is not appreciated by their partner, eventually they give up. I don't know what prompted your ex's affair (which was clearly wrong), but I think maybe you should do some soul-searching on your own expectations. It sounds to me that he did try.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, especially since you just had surgery (I hope you start feeling better soon...and I wish you a speedy recovery), I just thought it might be some food for thought.

[everythingchanges456]

You bring up very valid points.

 

I'm hurting today because I poured my heart out to him here last night about how it broke my heart he wasn't there for me and made no effort to say it will be alright and i love you even though things are different now.

 

He left this morning...my first day home alone and said he can pick up groceries for me after work and to call if i need anything and that's the last i've heard from him. No call to see if I've fallen, if i'm okay...or if i need something from the store. I told him i needed help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When you talked to him about how you feel, did you thank him for taking care of the dog? Did you thank him for offering to get you groceries or the fact that he said to call if you needed him? Instead of looking at what he is not doing for you, why not look at what he IS doing for you. In his way he is showing that he cares.

[TijuanaJones]

Don't see it as wasted years. There were some beautiful things you two shared, some sad, some downright painful, but I'm sure you learned a lot from it and everything you lived together help both of you grow as persons. Maybe those same things made you grow apart, but if so, then you just were right for each other those 8 years, but not now. Now you two must evaluate if you can live together with your different takes on life or values, and decide if you'll stick together, but only after time appart would you discover that, in my oppinion.