taking away freedom

[flower99]

just want to delete this before anyone runs accross it

thank you for your help atticus, raykay & lana

[Atticus90]

Well, there's always rules and regulations in every relationship. It's his fault that he got himself into the situation. He should be thankful that she didn't break up with him, but instead she gave him a chance and some ground rules.

[RayKay]

I do think we all need boundaries, but I do agree that it has to be less about control; than about stating your boundaries and leaving them the freedom to respect them or not. If they don't....move on.

 

I think agreeing to go to NA meetings is good if he WANTS to and volunteers to (otherwise it is pointless anyway). But, I totally disagree with her planning her life around him and being a "parent" of sorts to him. That really creates a negative dynamic.

 

Plus, if you are always on them directing the choices they make, how do you know they can be trustworthy on their own without you there to do it for them? I would not want to be in a relationship that required me to be there always to ensure they were respecting me.

 

If he has an addiction; it is his responsibility...it NEEDS to be his responsibility to do something about it. If he has a lack of respect towards her, it is up to her to show her boundaries are firm.

 

I feel however ultimately this is a toxic situation - I am with you in the sense I believe in healthy relationships we trust, respect and support one another's full freedom - believing and trusting that the other will make choices that respect the relationship and one another; and that we are equals in being adult individuals responsible for our decisions; without someone controlling them for us to make us choose "right". This is easier when you share similar values, beliefs and communicate well. I would not be in a relationship like the one your friend is in for these reasons.

[Lana0120]

I kind of disagree with you. I think if she is laying down these rules and they are helping with his addiction... why not?

[flower99]

I think if she is laying down these rules and they are helping with his addiction... why not?

 

If they were helping, I'd fully agree with you & her...definietly all the power to her. but it's only been a week, so we don't know yet....the pattern is he does it about 1 a month and last weekend was his 1 this month. so we won't know till next month.

 

She had some 'rules' for the last 6 months, to help him with it- the going to NA & such, but they never stuck because he only went at her request, not because he desired to. This time the list of rules has grown at least 3 times the size and she is unhappy & is becoming more like a mother than a gf. which is why I'm getting concerned & want to say something. It's the like rules are more for a false sense of security & control in this situation where she feels powerless.

 

Thank you so much for your responses & quick replies Lana & Atticus (you're right, he's lucky she hasn't left, I would have) & Ray Kay. I really appreciate all of your opinions....thank you!!!

 

Ray Kay I totally agree with you.. I think it has changed their dynamic & has become a toxic situation. You explained it so well...