Should I trust him again?

[Lava Rocks]

I've been dating a coworker for 5 months and only recently have I started selectively telling my office friends about our relationship. He had a gorgeous bouquet of stargazer lillies sent to me at the office two weeks ago, and at that point I didn't want to hide it anymore. No one knew I was dating anyone for months and after the flowers, everyone wanted to know who the great guy was.

 

Anywhoo, there's usually a weekly happy hour get together with our circle of office friends, but I avoided going for a while because it was awkward being at the bar around my boyfriend (I'll call him Jim) and not being able to act like a couple. I don't really like him going out there either, because the office gossip tends to create drama. About a month ago, my friend Rachel came over and started talking about how no one knew Jim was seeing anyone. I nudged her for details of their conversation and she blurts out how he said they weren't exclusive, not serious, and that she thinks he's going to break up with her and go for someone else. News to me! So I confronted him about it, we resolved it and moved on. It's difficult for me to trust people, and I'm cautious in general, but I put my insecurities behind me and in the past month, the relationship got stronger and better. We started discussing moving in together. Everything was perfect.

 

So cut to last night. I decided I'd go to happy hour, thinking I'd let the last few people in on the relationship. But before I could even get the words out, one of my friends (no one there knew about us) started talking about the first night Jim went out with them to that bar, and how he got so drunk, he paid the waitress $60 to feel her up. I almost spit my drink accross the table! "WHAT? Wait, Jim PAID her money to touch her?" My face got red hot, and I blurted out "Hmm, you know Jim and I are dating, I'm going to give him a call." She immediately started backtracking, saying it was a long time ago, and we probably weren't together at the time. I know he only started hanging out with them about 3 months ago after we started seeing each other.

I called him from the parking lot and his reaction was that he didn't understand why I was so upset, everyone dared him to do it...well, you had a girlfriend, you should have just said NO. Apparently, this happened the same night the conversation with Rachel supposedly occurred. I asked him why he didn't tell me this, and explained that I wasn't upset that he touched a girl, but that he let people pressure him into doing it and paid for it to boot. I was steaming mad so I told him I was coming over to his place to talk. On the way, I had visions of knocking his teeth out, but when I arrived, all I could do was stare at the ground. Then the words came - a lot of them. A lot of talking. He says it was a mistake. I'm pissed because I was made to look like a fool in front of our friends, who had no clue we were dating and thought they were just spreading some harmless office gossip. He said he thought I knew him better by now - I said, "Yeah, me too, guess I don't."

 

We left it on rocky terms, not knowing where we go from here or if we go anywhere. Part of me wants to toss it up to stupidity only a month into dating, and realize things have been fabulous recently. The other part of me wants to run away. I'm so confused right now.

I hope this makes sense. If anyone advice on next steps, I'd be grateful.

[nuttybuddy]

I think moving in with him is not a good idea. When two people move in together, the relationship becomes routine... like a marriage except without the commitment. And your relationship isn't at its peak to begin with.

 

If he felt up another girl while telling Rachel that he wasn't in an exclusive relationship-- he wasn't serious about you at that time. But you guys have moved on from that to a more serious relationship since that time. Does he admit now that he's in an exclusive relationship with you? Well, he should be if he was planning on moving in with you.

 

I think the reason why you're mad is because YOU felt like you were in an exclusive relationship with him at that time (when he was talking with Rachel) but HE didn't think the same way. So, you can't be mad at him if he didn't take you seriously enough back then.

 

Besides, if you decide to forgive him and tell him that you realize the difference in thinking back then, then I think he will like you even more. It shows that you are a rational, forgiving, understanding person.

 

Of course, if he did such a thing while you guys were exclusive, then it's another story.