I love my partner, but am having trouble in bed.

[zutesuteriot]

I am in a relationship with a woman. We have been together for almost 3 years now. I love her very much, but can not seem to please her in bed. My self confidence and sexual drive have almost virtually gone out the window. This is obviously causing a lot of stress on our relationship. We are at a point where something has to change or it seems like the end of us. I love her like nothing else in the world, and dont want to lose her. But, i need help getting better in bed. I want to be able to initiate sex more often and even bring sex more into our day-to-day interactions.

 

Please help if you can.

 

-Scared and Desperate

[butterfly girl1607306442]

i think if your relationship is based on sex and just pleasing one another, then something is seriously wrong anyway. If you arent pleasing her and this means the end then forget it. That person isnt worth your time, and you deserve more than that.

[mermayd]

I agree, somewhat. I think that if it could be the end of your relationship, you need to re-establish the motives of your relationship with her. If you truly love her and she truly loves you then the relationship should be worth more than just sex.

[anon_0275]

The other posters have some valid comments already. Relationships shouldn't be based upon sex alone. Emotions must play a part in this as well...

 

Let me try to zone in on the specific trouble: Are we just talking sex here, or general pleasing? What I mean is, have you two considered massages, sensual bathes, or even the obvious adult toys to give a little boost? Is she scared she isn't pleasing you as well, or is this a one way street, which is what is making you all the more afraid? Are you just not attracted to her anymore, physically? Do you perhaps feel you aren't attractive to her anymore? I'm just tossing out a few questions here to get the thoughts rolling.

 

Without feeling too personal or self-conscious let us know what is the specific points you feel troubled by. Maybe we can get some better info for you.

[jenny3661607306443]

Like I said above I feel that the other comments are all wrong. You have been wiht this woman for three years, maybe, even contemplating marrying her, and in that case sexual pleasure on both parties is VERY important. I never goit the feeling that you relationship is based soley on sex and for a peson to think that yours is on your memo is crazy. For some advice... I am a woman and feel very strongly that it's not men that please us, we take actions to please ourselves, but of course you guys help. What I mean is that a guy could literally do all he could for hours and hours and hours but if there is something wrong with us, say, stressed at work, school, debt, it's just not going to happen. I don't think that the problem is with you, I think it is with her. While us woman grow up, some, not all, do things like self exploration to find out what we like and how we like it, basically masterbation.Does your girlfriend do this or have evr done this? You might want to ask her. Alot of woman that I ahve talked to about there problems of climaxing never explored themseleves. If a woman doesn'know how to climax by herself it is next to impossible for a man to know, capisce?If she hasn't done this, funny, but ask her to. If she feels downright uncomfrtobale doing this buy herself, she might have issues with sex, meaning, possible sexual abuse in childhood, or grew up in an enviorment that looked down upon self exploration. I guarantee that if a woman can please herself by herslef, there should be no reason that she copuldn't direct you to do the same. Us woman, have to be completely comfortable for us to "work". Try gettting her as realxed as possible with things like massage oils, maybe even toys, but that might be to much for her right now, and slowly and GINGERLY do small things toward her and literally ask "how does this feel, etc, etc". Focus on her and completely on her during this time, don't worry about you. If this works you have alot of time for both. Basically, find out what honeslty tickles her, what doesn't and when you find that "thing" go for it but vetry, very, slowly. The jack hammer effect that some men can have just doesn't work. We are very sensitive down in the areas and fragile. Not all woamn are the same but,I don't know if I should write this, go for the clitoris with whatever mean posisble for her to enjoy it. I have read that the clitoris is the woman's version of the tip of you, evty sensitive and has over 3, 000 nerve ending. I hope this helps, I am a woman and I know how we are. Good luck and I appluded your concern for her. It shows that you are a true man. Remember for yopu to find out what works for her, get her completely comfortable and focus on her, and only her, this is not your time. You will get yours in the end. Sex, I don't car what people say is not everything, but it's important. How else do you show your spouse or partner that they mean everything to you. Good luck and good exploring. Also, if this does work, you might have opened pandora's box, have fun.

 

Good luck,

Jenny

[zutesuteriot]

OK, all of your points are valid. Since me writing the initial 'cry for help'. My partner and I have had a huge change. I have officially admitted to myself (after her telling me, in many ways) that she felt she was no longer in love with me. In the sense of passion. She loves me more than anyone else she has ever loved and I feel the same for her, except her love has stopped there. The passion inside her for me has died and she is now looking for someone else to fill that gap in her life. Someone that can make her feel good and feel sexy. I cant do that to her anymore. I never was able to. And the difficult thing to understand for me is that I have always felt it. Always.... I love her like nothing else, I crave her and want to please her desperately... but, never felt I could and got really clumsy in bed. We have split. And, I still hold that special place inside me for her and always will. (at least at this point in my life I can honestly say that) We have learned that nothing is eternal and to truly be human you need to explore, understand and live your true feelings... something I was not able to do... i think this is the true issue... i was not able to show her how i felt, and thats why I lost her...

[trytotrust]

Look the longer you are in this relationship the more each of you will change...I am sure the things that you did in the beginning even seem boring to you because you have learned more about each other...you obviously know her well or else you wouldn't know that you aren't pleasing her. truth is, you are not a mind reader...create a romantic mood...candles, music, whatever does it for the two of you...then hold her in your arms and ask her what you can do to please her...let her know that you are up for anything that she can think up...and then give it to her! If you don't feel comfortable doing it that way you can try playing a game that me and my lover play...We both write down ten questions for each other to answer about themselves....then we exchange questions answer them and then talk about the answers...it is fun and we learn alot about each other...it usually leads to great sex because we got our minds in gear for attention and our bodies follow. communication has to be strong in EVERY part of the relationship....even sex!

[Asenath Waite]

O.K. Now that we have all the high-brow morality nonsense out of the way about being in relationships "for love not sex" etc. I think we can address the issue at hand.

 

If you are having problems initiating and are experiencing issues with your sex drive, there is something really wrong. It could be one of the following:

1. You are not attracted physically to your partner. Is she overweight? Bad hygene?

2. You are intimidated and have a female equivalent of "performance anxiety"

3. You are going through a sexual identity crisis, and might not even be gay.

 

You can try a few things to spice things up. Rent a lesbian erotic movie. Read lesbian erotic fiction to each other. And I'm not talking about love stories -I mean steamy, explicit sex. Cut to the chase. Attack her when she comes home -be aggressive and keep her on her toes. Something I like to do if I think things are getting a little mundane: I get her into bed and say "tonight anything goes -anything you want." That puts the ball into her court, and lets her vocalize some of her fantasies. You never know what she might be into.