Husband trying to get custody of my two step sons

[dancer61958]

I have a situation where my husband not even of a year yet, is trying to get custody of his two oldest sons. He has 4 children ages 17,16,11,13.

When he talks about getting custody, he doesn't say he thinks they will be better off living with us...he says, that they want to live with him and he wants them to live with us, and he is going to win this time. His ex isn't a bad mother and she has been the main caretaker of all 4 of them. They have been divorced almost 4 years now and have lived with the mother. They all come to my house every other weekend like clockwork. Which I don't understand, because when I was 17 and 16 I was never home.

 

My husband went to a lawyer last week and he is under the impression he can get immediate temporary orders of custody of his two sons. His oldest told me last week, if the judge asks him why he wants to live with his father he is going to say "noone in my house can help me with my math homework but my dad can." I kind of laughed inside after he made this comment to me. I said nothing. My husband and I have been butting heads about this custody issue because I told him that if I were their mother I wouldn't want anyone taking my kids from me...his answer "well she took them away from me" Seems like a tit for tat who's going to win game to me.

 

I do have a problem with his sons living here, because they sneak out in the middle of the night, they drink, they smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, and there is mentally something wrong with the oldest one. I have an 8 year old daughter living with me and don't want or need this in front of her. We have set ground rules here if they are to live here, and who knows if they will abide by them. I caught the oldest last weekend burning the hair off his arm with a cigarette lighter and told my husband and his response was....he is just looking for attention. Sick way of looking for attention if you ask me. He is extremely immature for his age, and follows me around the house like a dog. Getting pretty sick of it.

 

The bottom line is they don't want to live with their mother because she is too strict and won't let them do anything...they think living here will be like disney world. I don't think so. Any suggestions?

[charmed]

Hi Dancer,

 

It sounds like your husband is trying to win his kids just to get one up on his ex wife. You really do need to question him as to why they will be better off at your house.

 

In general, you need to have a serious talk with him about everything you have said in this post. I believe that it warrents a discussion between both of you before the courts award him custody and you have two kids running wild on you both, and setting bad examples for your daughter.

 

He seems to be in this for the wrong reasons, and is not interested in actually bringing them up. Their mother sounds like the one they should be with, as these kids need to be discplined for another few years yet - your husband is probably not interested in doing that for them.

 

If this goes to court, the chances are that he will have to prove why he is the better parent for them. You should bring that up in a conversation with him, and make him question his own motives. As his wife, you have every right to be concerned about your marraige, house, and daughter which all need to be considered in this situation by him.

 

Hope this helps you some,

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

 

I understand you have been married for about a year and are currently having issues with your husband over his children from a previous marriage. I understand you also have a young daughter that lives with you and you are worried over things concerning her as well.

 

First of all, I have a few comments to make over your post:

 

1.

I caught the oldest last weekend burning the hair off his arm with a cigarette lighter and told my husband and his response was....he is just looking for attention. Sick way of looking for attention if you ask me.

 

I understand your feelings behind this, but this is a way to get attention or even a way to show that something is very wrong. While you may find this sick, it is a sign of the mental disorder you mentioned this boy having. This boy needs help to overcome this disorder and to have you or his father look down on it as "sick" is not going to help him in the slightest.

 

2.

We have set ground rules here if they are to live here, and who knows if they will abide by them.

 

If you set rules, you have to enforce them, and my suggestion is you start now. Too many parents let their children walk all over them and then look around wondering what happened. You say these two see your home as paradise compared to their mothers, show them that you mean business in your rules and that they WILL be followed.

 

The bottom line, however, is that these kids are not yours, they are your husbands and his former wife's. You need to communicate with your husband, but also you need to communicate with yourself. I understand the feelings this may be giving you, but the main legitimate reason I saw for you not wanting these two young boys in your house was because of your daughter.

 

Also, have you asked your husband exactly why he wants custody. And I mean, a real reason, not just because he wants it. To me, it almost sounds like your impression of their mother is wrong. She seems to lack control over the two that you've talked about and that is why they do the things you don't agree with. Perhaps your husband feels he can discipline them better, but that is just speculation on my part, so I apologize beforehand if I am way off on that.

 

Perhaps Charmed is right, and this is just a ploy to get back at his ex wife, but that means you have even more problems than just your stepsons moving in. That means your husband is still caught up in his issues with her. I strongly suggest you and your husband sitting down together, and then sitting down with these two boys, perhaps even the mother too if that's possible, and laying everything out on the table.

 

Best wishes.

[dancer61958]

In regard to my step son burning the hair off his arm...he is in therapy and my husband takes him...I told him to bring it up to the therapist and he said to me he would talk to his son about it. I have no clue if he has in fact done so...talking to his son and talking to the Dr are two different things in my book. We have sat down and had quite some heated discussions over everything...he gives excuses for everything his sons do. I feel I can't discuss them because it always turns into an argument Like I have no say in anything regarding the boys. And yes I still feel deep down sometimes, that he has some issued still left unresolved with his ex...it does bother me and I have mentioned it...he said he doesn't. Who knows...just the way it makes me feel sometimes. She is the one who wanted the divorce for what reason not clear to me. I have never met her or even spoke with her. He didn't want the divorce he tried to make it work...In his eyes she took everything away from him...his kids, his house, etc. Now he wants his kids back. He says she isn't a bad mother he said his kids want to live with him and he wants them to live here as well...is only excuse for wanting to custody. Doesn't say why he thinks they would be better off here except once he said he would better be able to handle them than their mother. The oldest one said he will give her the hardest time so she wants him to leave...I don't think that is right. Then my husband says if the court doesn't allow them to come here they may runaway? Runaway from what? Because they didn't get their way? I'm in for it I think.

 

The rules are easy to be broken in my husbands eyes right now because as he puts it he only sees them every other weekend and doesn't want to be hard on them constantly where there mother is and they need a break as he puts it.

 

And yes I have had serious talks that get very heated...not screaming or anything just defensive on his part regarding the ex or the kids. We will continue to talk if need be...sometimes I feel like letting him do whatever he wants and just watch out for me and my daughter as I have done in the past for years my daughters father. We are very happily married, but I know these problems will be getting worse if something isn't done about it. His main concern at the present time, is winning...bottom line. I think a judge will be able to see through that although he got a real good lawyer that he feels will do the talking for him when the time comes. He seems to think he will be getting them in a couple of weeks and the motion hasn't even been filed yet. He does make one comment quite often regarding the ex...he is tired of being bloodied by her and this time he is going to win....sounds like revenge to me.

[dancer61958]

Now my husbands oldest has called two nights in a row wanting to know from his father if he spoke with the lawyer yet. He put a call into the lawyer on Monday and the lawyer still hasn't returned his call. I hope he didn't make these boys think they were going to be with him soon. I would hate to see everyone here get their hopes up for an immediate response from the courts when the papers haven't even been filed yet for the motion of custody. The mother is unaware as of this date that a lawyer will be filinig for custody of the two boys. Just waiting for the war to start. Should be interesting.

[monkeyshavestyle]

well i understand the boat you are in. Me and my ex husband have apart for 4 years now and he is still try to get at me... He cuts my daughters hair takes her around sex offenders and people that he knows i don't approve of. He is now in the process of trying to take custody away from me cause he has a new girlfriend.. He truly believes that my little girl would be better off there cause he is tring to replace me. He talks bad about me to my daughter and his new girlfriend does not like me and does not know me. I tell him not to cut her hair and he cuts it anyways. I have full custody.. But then again he may be really sincere about wanting the two older boys if they are out of control. But if they are not out of control or have there grades dropping or hanging aroung the wrong crowd then there is really no reason for your husband to have custody of the boys cause she must be doing something right. Your husband sounds obbsessed with his ex. Think about it if he has his heart set on taking the boys froma perfectly good mother then why would he want to other than to hurt her.

[dancer61958]

I haven't been on this site in quite sometime now...alot has changed. My oldest step son who turned 18 last december moved in with us three days after turning 18. My husband didn't ask me what I thought about it, just told me from work one day that he was picking him up to live here that night. The other son didn't want to come so he didn't try getting him in court...just had the child support lowered. It has been quite the adventure since his son has been living here...I have found drug paraphenalia in his room, he is flunking out of school got fired from his job for stealing....stole my husbands car in the middle of the night pulling back into the driveway at 3am....The only time my husband did anything was when he stole the car he was grounded from using the car for a month. After losing his job my husband took him off our car insurance. My husbands attitude he is 18 there is nothing much I can do. He has to sink his own ship he says. It has been a rocky road and I am not allowed to handle anything regarding his son my husband feels it isn't my place. So the saga continues....His son also wanted to join the army national guard and go to boot camp this summer which I think he needs, and after taking his physical for it he flunked that due to marijuana being found in his system. He was even stupid enough to show me the rejection letter...I mean really how stupid can you be. His father does absolutely nothing to him and my attitude is, I don't care if he is 18 or 21 he still lives under our roof. He would have been better off staying with his mother because I have seen him getting worse doing what he wants. At least my daughter's won't turn out like his kids...oh well today is another day.

[monkeyshavestyle]

Well if I were you I would show your husband what a mess he is by showing him the stuff and if he still doesn't respond to that then well he really doesn't care about his kids.. After all he is 18 "an adult" he needs to be on his own if he is going to act stupid and dissobey the rules in your house. he needs to be an adult if he wants to act like an adult and do what he wants.