Attention

[Aurian]

Just wondering if something is normal... if a boyfriend pays less attention to you after awhile and maybe takes you for granted.

 

In the beginning (almost 6 months ago it started), I got showered with attention - daily emails, mushy songs sent to me, romantic stuff written on my mirror, cooking for me (even though he isn`t much of a chef) and you know making me feel special. He planned interesting dates as well and asked me out several days in advance - eager to book me up for the week!

 

Now... I dunno, the romantic stuff`s kinda gone. We still kiss and cuddle a lot, but sometimes a girl likes a romantic gesture, no? We always seem to end up at my place instead of him hosting me, and he doesn`t seem to be trying very hard with date ideas. I usually end up planning something or we`d just stay in with a video game. Also, he doesn`t bother claiming days, instead, leaving plans to the last minute.

 

I dunno, maybe I was too available? I usually do solo stuff so its not like I can suddenly book my time with friends and things though...

 

I wonder if I should talk about it or does that look insecure? Cause I AM feeling insecure. Of course, the only relationship I have to compare with is an abusive one where the guy showered me with attention constantly (first good, then bad). I dunno, am I right to worry or has the relationship just settled down?

[Batya33]

I think it's normal to have some drop off of attention and gestures after the "honeymoon stage" but it all depends on how much on how much of a drop off. My bf takes pride in coming up with fun/interesting things for us to do (as do I) and as far as claiming days, it's a given that we will spend all weekends together unless we tell each other in advance about something else that is going on. During the week it's a bit less planned although because of our jobs/social activities we have to put some effort into planning.

Sometimes our reasons for both wanting to stay in is from "burn out" from the jobs/social activities but it's a mutual decision.

 

But, of course, I wouldn't second guess your feelings - if you feel taken for granted then sure spend some time evaluating whether it's reasonable (but without being full of self-doubt or obsessing - I should take my own advice, lol) and also thinking about specifically what you would like him to do differently since a "you take me a bit for granted" probably won't help him and might make the situation more frustrating.

 

As far as looking insecure, why not find a way to put it so that you come from the mindset that you deserve to be treated like a special person in his life, and thereforeeee you tell him "you know, I think we need to reinvigorate our "spark" and put some more effort into planning dates - how about if I take responsibility for one night a week and you take responsibility for another and then we mutually plan a third night" -something like that.

[Zampotne]

I don't think you should worry. This happens in every relationship. The fact that you still cuddle and kiss a lot means he still wants you but is just more comfortable. Every girl hates this. But it's just something we've got to learn to get used to. It's hard to not think that something might be wrong, but can you imagine if someone was constantly asking you "whats wrong? whats wrong?" That'd be pretty annoying if there really wasn't anything wrong.

If you need more attention and want him to be romantic, make small hints. He doesn't need to know that it's your insecurities talking. Next time you have plans to get together- tell him he has to decide what you two are doing. If he wants to go to your place, tell him you need to get out of the house. Or do something spontaneously romantic for him-- he'll probably want to reciprocate.

Good luck!

[Aurian]

Yeah, my problem is "reasonable" though... I know I do have a big insecure streak, but I usually am able to reason myself out of it. Problem is in this case, I am uncertain what is reasonable given my limited experience in a relationship.

 

Yeah, we spend the weekends together, and it is good to just relax (or not!) with video games sometimes, but it seems like if I want anything different, I have to plan it. As for the other days of the week, if I ask him for a day, he usually leaves it to the last minute to accept, or he asks me at the last minute himself. I know his schedule was hectic for awhile, so I accepted and let him relax with me on those last-minute dates, but his schedule has eased now and it feels like its given him a bad habit!

[Aurian]

Zam - that`s exactly what I want to avoid. I don`t want to be one of those women who obsess over the status of a relationship! Its easier when you get showered with attention and romantic gestures!

 

I like the suggestion of giving him a few romantic gestures and seeing if he responds. I guess it is a bit silly to ask them of him when I am not doing the same but waiting for him to step up? What`s romantic and simple for a guy though? I doubt a flower is gonna work the same way

[Zampotne]

Hmm...

some suggestions:

cook him a nice romantic dinner ("the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach")

a foot rub

buy him a small gift just "because"

ask him to go for a walk on a nice night... maybe ask him to dance under a street light (although something like that my bf would think was cheesy-it all depends on your guy)

 

or there are other things that dont seem romantic, but something that just shows you APPECIATE him and wanted to do something nice:

do his laundry

clean his apt

bring him a surprise lunch at work

 

this is a good one that i have mentioned a couple times on this board- i had gotten the idea here, and had a great response from it:

 

put all the reasons you love him on a ton of different post-its and put them all of the house, hiding some of them so he'll stumble accross them on days that you aren't there, and will make him smile and think of you...

 

i don't know if any of that helps. just some ideas.

[Batya33]

I definitely would address the careless attitude towards plans/your availability - directly - and if that doesn't work then you start showing him by declining to see him last minute where he doesn't have the privilege of knowing what your plans are (even if they are plans with yourself for a quiet evening at home).

[Aurian]

Hmm...

some suggestions:

cook him a nice romantic dinner ("the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach")

a foot rub

buy him a small gift just "because"

ask him to go for a walk on a nice night... maybe ask him to dance under a street light (although something like that my bf would think was cheesy-it all depends on your guy)

 

or there are other things that dont seem romantic, but something that just shows you APPECIATE him and wanted to do something nice:

do his laundry

clean his apt

bring him a surprise lunch at work

 

Then I am already being romantic enough. I am cooking good meals several times a week, I have surprised him with little gifts and I have given him foot rubs. I have also left love notes behind. I certainly do not want to be his maid though!

 

Maybe I need to cut back in order to make the gestures more "valuable". I like pleasing someone, but maybe I am doing it too much, because now I am feeling resentful because I am not getting similar attention back.

 

I definitely would address the careless attitude towards plans/your availability - directly - and if that doesn't work then you start showing him by declining to see him last minute where he doesn't have the privilege of knowing what your plans are (even if they are plans with yourself for a quiet evening at home).

 

Yeah, or start looking at stuff to do in the evenings during the week so I am not always available.

[Zampotne]

^^^ Hmmm.. sounds like he takes you for granted if you are doing those things. Can I ask, how thankful is he when you do these things regularly?

[Siriana]

Just ask him to make plans sooner than 5 minutes before meeting time.

Ask him. Tell to him how you like to plan your time and finding time for friends and that you would appreciate him making plans with you in advance.

[ycmanvs]

This happens in all relationships at one point or another. Try pulling back a little bit and being less available. He should start chasing you again once he feels like you are being aloof.