I've been in this space before

[swtsmr93]

I have been doing really well. I have been proud of myself for the first time in years.

 

But today I am stuck. I have reread the posts that kicked my butt to get me going but it's not working today.

 

I am angry today that I am hurting over this guy. It was apparent to the entire world that he didn't care one bit about me because I chose to look the other way so I put myself here. That in itself is really defeating. I probably shouldn't be posting in break ups because that would imply a relationship that didn't really exist.

 

I hate that any of us have to be hurt in order to learn things. I hate being forced into a supposed deeper understanding. I know far too many people that never have to do this! Right now I am not buying this deeper understanding stuff.

 

People that leave are likely very happy and in spite of all of the guesses they are doing the same as all of us in justifying the experiences in their minds. And they are fine with it. They are trying to build a happy life with someone else. It's just that simple. I think so much that I read is about trying to make oneself feel superior to the person that left--I have a better understanding of me and they are just avoiding type stuff. And???!! They are living happily!

 

And I will say some of the words I hate the most: it's not fair.

 

He is her knight in shining armor. Where is mine? He doesn't have to be a knight to rescue me but why is it that this is all I see?

 

It seems like the message has always been that if you go through hard times there will be better times. There aren't. After 20 years, I feel qualified to say this pretty confidently!

 

Lots of self pity I know. But I think that all of the struggles I go through are just elaborate practices in trying to make it better when it's not.

[Coyote9]

I have been doing really well. I have been proud of myself for the first time in years.

 

But today I am stuck. I have reread the posts that kicked my butt to get me going but it's not working today.

 

I hate that any of us have to be hurt in order to learn things. I hate being forced into a supposed deeper understanding. I know far too many people that never have to do this! Right now I am not buying this deeper understanding stuff.

 

People that leave are likely very happy and in spite of all of the guesses they are doing the same as all of us in justifying the experiences in their minds. And they are fine with it. They are trying to build a happy life with someone else. It's just that simple. I think so much that I read is about trying to make oneself feel superior to the person that left--I have a better understanding of me and they are just avoiding type stuff. And???!! They are living happily!

 

And I will say some of the words I hate the most: it's not fair.

 

 

I'm having some of the same feelings today about, 2 months out of my breakup. Though I don't know specifics and don't want to, I know she's moved on and is involved with someone else, and I hate the fact that I'm still thinking about her all the time. Grief is a strange process, especially when we have been dumped, as that other person is gone forever from our lives, but they are still out there, pursuing their dreams as if they never knew us. That's not only a great loss for us, but also a terrible blow to our egos. I think, when we finally no longer have any contact with them and don't know the exact details of their comings and goings anymore, that it's natural for our minds to try to speculate how they are doing, if they feel any sadness or remorse, who they are with, and on and on.

 

None of those thoughts are real, they are just our overactive minds trying to fill in the blanks, and as another poster here said earlier today, we will never really know exactly why they did what they did, but they are gone, against our wishes and often without and input from us at all. I now exactly what you are saying about hating to experience pain in order to learn things....why can't we learn what an amazing relationship where no one goes away feels like? I have done my share of shaking my fist at the universe here lately as well, wondering when will I not have to learn these lessons (this is the 5th breakup for me in the 14 years since my divorce and the 3rd most painful)....yet, I like who I am and I know that I will be ok, and that ultimately this breakup is not about me, it's about a decision she made for reasons I can't ever know fully. I gave it my best shot, I was honest and I really loved her, but that was not enough.

 

Like you, I struggle with where exactly to post my thoughts....as my relationship is done and there's no point trying to analyse what she did or didn't do. We will get past this place, it's temporary. Know there are many others here who are going through the exact same thing and are equally frustrated and full of pain we never asked for and wish we could rid ourselves of. In time, we will. Hang in there swtsmr93.

[andy5128]

Great reply Coyote..

[Coyote9]

Thanks Andy....I often really relate to the things you have written and look forward to being 6 months out like you are, as I know that this stuff does fade, if we stick to NC. Keep up the good work!

Coyote

[jettison]

"None of those thoughts are real, they are just our overactive minds trying to fill in the blanks, and as another poster here said earlier today, we will never really know exactly why they did what they did, but they are gone, against our wishes and often without and input from us at all. "

 

In my last relationship, she was the one who was always insecure, always looking over her shoulder, constantly thinking that I was up to something when I never was. Her last BF had dumped her for his old GF, and she thought that I was going to do the same thing to her. She "filled in the blanks" and they were always filled in incorrectly. Always. She broke it off with me so she wouldn't have to feel "crazy" again, and she never let her guard down with me again.

 

And now I find myself doing the same things with her... needlessly making assumptions that most likely have little to do with reality. This is where we all get into trouble. I remember when I found out she was dating someone else for the first time. I was sooooo jealous. I even told her about it. I said "I can't believe that finding out about this has made me feel so jealous. I feel like it really marks the end of us." Her response was "Don't worry, you know I completely suck at relationships." Well, they broke up 3 weeks later. Before that ever happened, a friend of mine tried to make me feel better by saying "Are you kidding me? That will be over in no time!" She was right.

 

My mind was playing so many tricks on me. I pictured her saying the same things to him that she once said to me... "Sweetheart, do you think we'll ever grow tired of kissing each other like this? I don't think we ever will. Has it been 1 million yet?" Yes, I know, it's nauseating, but that's how you talk when you're in love.

 

In reality, he was just some bloke from link removed that she didn't even like very much. Even if she has/had found Mr.Right though, it's inconsequential. Doesn't have anything to do with me anymore, and I know, eventually, that she'll go through the same problems with him that she went through with me.

[Coyote9]

Good job with getting that stuff out in the open Jettison...I find that, when I can become and observer of my thoughts instead of someone who is caught up in them, that I can step away and let go of the ones that are really not based in reality at all. At this point, any thoughts about my ex are not based in reality, because she is two months gone and I know none of the details. Ironically, like your ex, mine was very jealous and often reading things into the relationship when we were together. I trusted her totally, and now realize perhaps I shouldn't have. Yet, none of that matters because it's over. Hang in there....and more power to all of us who are getting better at identifying the patterns and thoughts that are the sources of our pain and frustrations!

Coyote

[swtsmr93]

I am sorry that you are hurting coyote. When you are shaking your fist know that I am probably doing the same thing at the same time if that is any comfort!

 

I am 7 years divorced. Also have a broken engagement from 5 years ago. Now this.

 

I know I am suppose to believe that I am in these situations because I haven't learned the lesson I am suppose to learn. Yeah that's nice. I know I have a ton of changes to make before considering making myself available to the dating world. But dang. I am so incredibly tired of being alone. I really miss a real relationship.

 

I do not know if it's just because I am tired or if it's because I am failing at everything(oh and I mean everything job wise, living situation, etc.)that I cannot see the light at the end of the stupid tunnel.

 

I know I have survived before. And I can shout yes if asked if I am glad not to have married the guy to whom I was engaged. But at the time I was devestated. Each time it seems to be harder to get up and going though.