Fear of... um... Success?

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

I'm thinking about changing psychiatrists, again. This psychiatrist (a woman) doesn't make me feel comfortable and asks me details about my sex life. And every time I say "I don't feel comfortable answering that..." she'll start writing in her little yellow pad. She's annoying!

 

But there was one part in our session this morning that really messed up my head and I want to get that part figured out before I start searching for a new shrink:

 

She suggested that my "...fear of failure is more a fear of success...". She said that being born a "gifted child" (hardly the case, I just did awesome on one of those proficiency exams) and growing up in a household like mine conditioned me to fear succeeding, since success only continued to raise the bar and thus set me up for failure. She says my procrastination and other forms of self-destruction might be a defense mechanism in which I will fail, and if I fail I have an excuse of why I failed, thus removing any responsibility. She suggested that in my head I am always in a no win situation: If I succeed there are little accolades and only more opportunity to fail.

 

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this, and I'm not saying I agree, but it did bring back some memories of my childhood. One instance when I was walking home and I was so scared to show my parents my report card (I had two B's) that I was considering running to my friend Shane's house and living with him for a semester until I got my grades back up. Another where my parents went to an open house at the school and all of the teachers were telling them that I was doing well on tests, but I never did my homework and they were yelling at me and they got each of the teachers to start sending weekly progress reports home with me.

 

When it applies to my current situation, I can't help but wonder if she's on track. I have a job that's pretty easy and doesn't require a lot of effort. In fact, I spend four of the eight hours of my day cruising the internet aimlessly and yet I still get great marks on my evaluations. I wish I could make more money or get a job that challenges me a little more, but I never can work up the muster to do a resume or start searching for a new job. I have a girlfriend who would walk to the ends of the world for me, but I keep her at arms length and continue to have affairs with women who are attached to someone else (one married, one engaged) and fall in love with women who I eventually screw over.

 

Would this explain why I take my successes and assets for granted and continue to persue nothing? Is this why I constantly start new novels and new scripts and quit once the project nears completion? I'm I just a narcissist who uses humility as a shield against my fears of inadequecy? Will I be able to figure this out, or do I sit around overanalyzing myself as an excuse to be lazy?

 

Or am I over thinking this and I should just get a new shrink?

[poloplayer]

Hello -

 

This psychiatrist (a woman) doesn't make me feel comfortable and asks me details about my sex life. And every time I say "I don't feel comfortable answering that..." she'll start writing in her little yellow pad. She's annoying!

 

That's hard to comment on - we would need to know the depth and nature of it. Good psychiatrists probe all facets of a person, even areas that can make a person feel uncomfortable. You can't skirt over a major issue, and current/historical sex life is a very common topic area asked by almost all counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists.

 

She suggested that my "...fear of failure is more a fear of success...".

 

That makes sense - they almost always work together.

 

Reading the rest of your thread, it seems like the behaviors and traits that you described fit the mold of a perfectionist more than anything. But I am not a shrink or a therapist so I can't say for sure - just my interpretation of what you wrote.

 

overanalyzing myself

 

am I over thinking this

 

I think so. Perhaps you are creating problems in your head because you don't really have any? I mean, is your life really such a great success or failure? It seems like you accentuate them more than anything, which makes me think perfectionist again.