Want a girlfriend but I don't think I would be a good boyfriend

[matts0344]

OK, so first off, I'm 20, I've never even kissed a girl. So I met this girl through a friend and her friend tells me she is kind of shy but she really likes me. So I have never had this happen to me so you can imagine how good it felt for once to have a girl like me in that way.

 

I want to try a relationship because I have never had a girlfriend, I am getting a little head of myself here because this could just lead to nothing but its the first time there has ever been a glimmer of hope so I have to think about this so I don't screw anything up.

 

I know I will probably have to do the first move because women never do anything. Anyway I'm kind of scared, the reason I never "make any moves' on women is because

 

1. I don't ever think a women could like me (this has now changed)

2. Making the first move sends a message that I will be judged harsher in this relationship since I was the first one to initiate. (I don't know why but I just always got this feeling)

 

The reason number 2 scares me is because I never had a girlfriend and so I have never been a boyfriend to a girl and if I did get a girlfriend I woulden't know how to be a good boyfriend but the relationship was my idea.

 

But if a girl initiated the relationship I woulden't feel as much pressure to be a good boyfriend and feel as bad if I screw stuff up. Does this make any sense?

 

 

I know this is sad that I'm 20 years old and never had a relationship with a women but what I'm asking for is some tips from you guys or girls on how to be a good boyfriend, I'd ask my friends but I'm too embarrassed. Like, can you give some dos and donts? The basics is what I'm really asking for.

I just feel like if I ever got into a relationship I wouldnt know what to do.

 

Sorry for the long post but thanks for any help you can give.

[lovelyc]

Hey congrats on the new girl......ok if you guys just met, don't be so quick to immediately jump into a relationship...take a few dates and actually get to know one another b4 you make that decision...It's cool to make the first moves but don't come off to strong...and immediately say lets be together...Has she expressed interest she wants to be in a relationship and have you went on several dates before this decision is made?

 

As far as being a good bf, just be yourself and be confident in who you are, of course show maturity and respect, communicate wisely, be there for one another, and don't put any pressure on the situation.......Just don't be nervous...If you do your part and she does hers, then it should go fine unless it just wasn't meant to be..

[matts0344]

Well the thing is we have never actually officially been on a date. She is my friends, girlfriends friend. My friend and his girlfriend kind of thought it would be cute if, you know, we met each other because we are both really shy and they thought we might like each other.

 

So the only time we have been together is with my friend and his girlfriend so we went on "double dates" if you will, to the movies, out to eat, parks whatever, but it didn't feel like a date really, it was more like my friend and his girlfriend and then the rest of us were just friends, there was little to no physical contact or anything like that. Nothing that felt like I went on a date with her, just hanging out with a friend. But I can tell she likes me because of the way she acts and her friend told me that she really liked me.

 

So I am getting ahead of myself here, I know that, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up I was just wondering this in case another girl comes along as well.

[CharLit]

Oh hon, firstly, there are sooooooo many people your age who have never been with anyone, it really isn't unusual!

 

Actually, quite a few women are perfectly happy to make a first move, but if this girl is shy you may indeed have to be the one to do it. If i were you i would keep it reaaally casual: just ask her if she feels like getting a cup of coffee or something. Doing something more seriously datey like going to dinner or a movie might put more pressure on both of you.... of course though, going to a movie means you don't have to talk for the first couple of hours, and then you have a movie to talk about... either way, pick something you feel really comfortable doing. Or don't ask her on a date at all yet, but establish innocent contact through e-mail, text, myspace or whatever: send er a funny link or something like that, and just get chatting to each other first.

 

As for being a boyfriend, there aren't many hard and fast do's and don'ts: everyone is different and wants different things. My basic rules would be:

 

1) be yourself. If you try to act like someone you aren't to 'win' someone, your relationship will be based on a lie

 

2) communicate. Always talk to one another, don't assume they can read your mind and don't think you can read theirs

 

Other than that, and based on communiaction, you have to take your cues from one another, hope you want the same, and compromise when you don't...

 

I know that's terribly general, but there really isn't much more you can say about two complete strangers. I could tell you what i love in a boyfriend, but it may be completely different from what she wants...

 

good luck & keep us posted!

 

C

[CharLit]

Oh and i forgot to say: handling yourself in a relationship is something you will always continue to grow and learn in. You will make mistakes, so will your partners, but if you recognise them you will learn not to make them again. Don't fret too much about getting things right: so much in this area is down to intuition and experience. The first you have, the second will grow!

[Beec]

matts0344,

 

I guess I don;t see why you would not be a good boyfriend. I think the first step in being on is to treat a woman with respect, then jsut try to enjoy yourself, and finally, try to do what makes her feel good, but you should not even really try that much when you are first dating.

 

It;s not about anything more when you are with a woman other than how you make her feel. But how to make her feel how she wants to feel often takes some learning.

 

It sounds to me like you've got a big issue with self-confidence. And sorry about saying this, but you need to get off your butt, learn how to have some balls and get out there trying. The whole issue here is you not knowing how we intereact and not having confidence. Go, go right now and begin to learn. There are a whole bunch of sites out there that are designed to teach men how to be players. You may not want to become one, but the skills a player sues are the same skills any man needs to get a woman. A player just uses them with the wrong end in mind. So check out:

 

link removed (sign up for the free mails, if nothing else);

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Also, there are a number of men who post here that will give you a whole bunch of advice on how to get out there and make it happen for you, besdies myself. Look for stuff by DiggittyDogg (he has an old thread which is useful, and I will admit that while I have my own ideas, he wrote one great one i had not thought of in that thread), heloladies21, and once you find posts by them discussing this stuff, read posts by the others who advise on such threads.

[Red Fox]

If you are both shy it could be a little bit tricky to get things going if you do both like each other. People have posted some good suggestions already. If she is shy you may have to start things moving yourself.

 

As CharLit suggested I think something casual to start out with is a really good idea. I am not sure what you do at the moment, are you working or at college? If you are both at college perhaps asking her to meet up for a quick coffee or a lunch in between lectures. Something that doesn't take too long but gets you both together without the other friends. This can help you gauge whether you both really like each other and will start things going forward a bit more.

 

Don't worry at first if you suggest something and she can't make it. It may simply be that she has something planned for that day already, just suggest meeting up another day might be better and catch her again. Some people end up thinking someone doesn't like them because the first time they ask the other person says they are busy (especially if they worked up a lot of courage to ask), and it may simply be that they just can't make it on the day (rather than a lack of interest). If however she is always busy whenever you ask then this is not a good sign.

 

Start it going slowly and try not to put pressure on her. Keep it casual and friendly but also don't give up at the very first hurdle.

 

If you end up going out it's not as hard as some people think. Try to be yourself because it avoids problems down the line in a relationship. If you are not sure what she wants or how she feels or wants to do you can always ask, there is no shame as we are not mind readers. Spontaneous stuff usually goes down well if you are going out. A nice text out of the blue, an unexpected kiss / hug and a cup of tea after a bad day at work, doing something she likes.... all sorts.

 

Also you aren't alone in that at 20 you haven't kissed a girl, there are many people like that.