Should I be married?

[kamurj]

I've been married for almost three years now, and have been ho-hum for the last year or so. I have now during the last 6 months been continuously attracted to other women and have established friendships with alterior motives with two different women at work. I have never been completely unfaithful, and must stress that my attractions goes beyond sex. I just want something else, something more, and feel very unsatisfied by my wife in many ways. I love my wife, but almost feel she is serving as security only for me.

 

Any advice? This is really driving me nuts.

[kamurj]

On 2002-03-12 23 Anonymous wrote:

I've been married for almost three years now, and have been ho-hum for the last year or so. I have now during the last 6 months been continuously attracted to other women and have established friendships with alterior motives with two different women at work. I have never been completely unfaithful, and must stress that my attractions goes beyond sex. I just want something else, something more, and feel very unsatisfied by my wife in many ways. I love my wife, but almost feel she is serving as security only for me.

 

Any advice? This is really driving me nuts.

[Enigmatic]

I've been married for almost three years now, and have been ho-hum for the last year or so. I have now during the last 6 months been continuously attracted to other women and have established friendships with alterior motives with two different women at work.

 

The one thing you have not mentioned is whether you have discussed this with your wife at all. Have you spoken with her honestly and genuinely about the fact you are not happy? Have you given her an opportunity to help resolve the problem?

 

All too often, people get to a point where they are not happy... yet it doesn't occur to them to actually try to sort it out. I can understand how this happens... its as if you reach a point where talking or even approaching the subject seems to be more trouble than it is worth, or you believe that if you did approach your partner they would not be understanding or would even make you feel bad for asking.

 

The fact you have started doing this means you should ask yourself a question... "Should I be in this relationship?"

 

If you are at a point where you have exhausted all alternatives, or you have attempted to talk with your partner several times and it has failed, then you MUST question the relationship completely.

 

At this point you should leave... and you should leave BEFORE you do anything. While the two of you may not get on, or not be suitable that doesn't mean you disrespect and destroy the other person by being unfaithful. You say you love her... but I challenge this! If you love her then you wouldn't hurt her, you would either talk to her to resolve the situation or you would end the relationship ammicably before seeking to fulfill your needs elsewhere... it is only fair and the moral thing to do.

 

I have never been completely unfaithful, and must stress that my attractions goes beyond sex.

 

"completely"...

 

This would indicate that you have been unfaithful to some extent. That means you have already done things which break the agreement you had with your wife, the agreement which you gave honestly and fairly.

 

You know in your heart it would only hurt her and you know in your heart that it would hurt her even more knowing an affair was involved rather than just the sad parting of two people who were not meant to be together.

 

I just want something else, something more, and feel very unsatisfied by my wife in many ways.

 

Then tell her, if what you say below is true, and you truly love her then sit down and tell her that you are unsatisfied, explain to her how you are feeling and ask her to help in making it better.

 

If you are in the situation where you have tried this several times to no effect, then the next step is to tell her in greater detail. Tell her not only are you unsatisfied but that this unsatisfaction is making you feel attracted elsewhere, and that if this is not resolved then it would destroy your relationship. Be honest, be truthful... tell her that you would like things to be better between you but the way things currently are mean you cannot go on.

 

I love my wife, but almost feel she is serving as security only for me.

 

I am sorry but "love" and "selfishness" simply don't go together... you cannot love someone who is doing nothing but feeding an insecurity you have. That isn't love, it is a pale shadow of the reflection love once cast... but it most definitely isn't love.

 

You have reached the point a lot of people reach in relationships, where we start to justify our acts of gaining things for ourselves as being more important than the love we share with our partner... most people even blame their partner for it happening, saying it wouldn't have happened if their partner had just "given" them what they wanted. The sad fact is that its simply a matter of selfishness... you want something else, but you are not prepared to take the steps to get it, you hedge your bets and seek to have the thrill of something new while maintaining the security of your wife.

 

Ask yourself a question... if she was doing exactly the same thing to you... how would you feel? Would you think it unfair of her to hold onto you as security while seeking her affections elsewhere? Would you think it unfair she didn't give you he "chance" to fix the relationship? Would you prefer she ended the relationship nicely? Or end it as a result of saying "I am having an affair and I am leaving you"?

 

Any advice? This is really driving me nuts.

 

Its simple :

 

1. Talk to her

2. Tell her if things don't improve you are breaking up

 

One of the following will happen :

 

A. Things don't change, she doesn't work to make it better. You break up and you can persue anyone you want.

 

or

 

B. Things change, you both work on your relationship and make it better. You are both happy, you are both satisfied and life is great.

 

 

Any other option will only hurt her beyond belief and will bring her pain for the rest of her life... Do you want to be responsible for that?

[Enigmatic]

I've been married for almost three years now, and have been ho-hum for the last year or so. I have now during the last 6 months been continuously attracted to other women and have established friendships with alterior motives with two different women at work.

 

The one thing you have not mentioned is whether you have discussed this with your wife at all. Have you spoken with her honestly and genuinely about the fact you are not happy? Have you given her an opportunity to help resolve the problem?

 

All too often, people get to a point where they are not happy... yet it doesn't occur to them to actually try to sort it out. I can understand how this happens... its as if you reach a point where talking or even approaching the subject seems to be more trouble than it is worth, or you believe that if you did approach your partner they would not be understanding or would even make you feel bad for asking.

 

The fact you have started doing this means you should ask yourself a question... "Should I be in this relationship?"

 

If you are at a point where you have exhausted all alternatives, or you have attempted to talk with your partner several times and it has failed, then you MUST question the relationship completely.

 

At this point you should leave... and you should leave BEFORE you do anything. While the two of you may not get on, or not be suitable that doesn't mean you disrespect and destroy the other person by being unfaithful. You say you love her... but I challenge this! If you love her then you wouldn't hurt her, you would either talk to her to resolve the situation or you would end the relationship ammicably before seeking to fulfill your needs elsewhere... it is only fair and the moral thing to do.

 

I have never been completely unfaithful, and must stress that my attractions goes beyond sex.

 

"completely"...

 

This would indicate that you have been unfaithful to some extent. That means you have already done things which break the agreement you had with your wife, the agreement which you gave honestly and fairly.

 

You know in your heart it would only hurt her and you know in your heart that it would hurt her even more knowing an affair was involved rather than just the sad parting of two people who were not meant to be together.

 

I just want something else, something more, and feel very unsatisfied by my wife in many ways.

 

Then tell her, if what you say below is true, and you truly love her then sit down and tell her that you are unsatisfied, explain to her how you are feeling and ask her to help in making it better.

 

If you are in the situation where you have tried this several times to no effect, then the next step is to tell her in greater detail. Tell her not only are you unsatisfied but that this unsatisfaction is making you feel attracted elsewhere, and that if this is not resolved then it would destroy your relationship. Be honest, be truthful... tell her that you would like things to be better between you but the way things currently are mean you cannot go on.

 

I love my wife, but almost feel she is serving as security only for me.

 

I am sorry but "love" and "selfishness" simply don't go together... you cannot love someone who is doing nothing but feeding an insecurity you have. That isn't love, it is a pale shadow of the reflection love once cast... but it most definitely isn't love.

 

You have reached the point a lot of people reach in relationships, where we start to justify our acts of gaining things for ourselves as being more important than the love we share with our partner... most people even blame their partner for it happening, saying it wouldn't have happened if their partner had just "given" them what they wanted. The sad fact is that its simply a matter of selfishness... you want something else, but you are not prepared to take the steps to get it, you hedge your bets and seek to have the thrill of something new while maintaining the security of your wife.

 

Ask yourself a question... if she was doing exactly the same thing to you... how would you feel? Would you think it unfair of her to hold onto you as security while seeking her affections elsewhere? Would you think it unfair she didn't give you he "chance" to fix the relationship? Would you prefer she ended the relationship nicely? Or end it as a result of saying "I am having an affair and I am leaving you"?

 

Any advice? This is really driving me nuts.

 

Its simple :

 

1. Talk to her

2. Tell her if things don't improve you are breaking up

 

One of the following will happen :

 

A. Things don't change, she doesn't work to make it better. You break up and you can persue anyone you want.

 

or

 

B. Things change, you both work on your relationship and make it better. You are both happy, you are both satisfied and life is great.

 

 

Any other option will only hurt her beyond belief and will bring her pain for the rest of her life... Do you want to be responsible for that?

[Di]

I totally agree with the response. If you really do LOVE your wife, talk to her, do everything you can before letting her go. She deserves every bit of respect, honesty and committment.

 

take care,

Di

[cotten5]

You say you love your wife, if you really do stop now and get help. Seek out help for your marriage. Don't cheat, any sexual contact with someone other than your wife is just that. If you love her even just a little you wouldn't want to hurt her like this. If you love her at all you wouldn't mess with her self esteem this way. Be a Good man, do what a real man would do, stop get help, try to save the marriage, and keep your commitments.

You have no business giving her any ultimatums. You both have made this a mediocre marriage so you both need to work on stuff to make it work out. If you ever really loved her you can get that intense love thing back. Try hard.

If all else fails it should end. Be good to her no matter what. Again you treat the person well that you love, even though it's not married love anymore.