When it seems like they take the good for granted.

[TheFoglifter]

At least two threads in the last 30 mins (wife takes me for granted, and i let her go clubbing) have made me wonder if there are any good strategies for dealing with people who seem to take all the good for granted.

 

In many of these cases, ungrateful women enjoy the benefits of men who bend over backwards: whether through doing the larger share of chores, paying the majority of bills, or just being understanding about issues that are normally contentious. Yet these women get indignant at "little" things and don't seem to give thanks for all that is done for them.

 

Its like one person spends hours running errands and picking up treats, and his thanks is to be yelled at because he left some dishes in the sink.

 

OK so at times like that, the normal response is to drag out the scoreboard. You know how that goes "I spent 3 hours doing blah blah blah and all i get in return is you yelling!" The other person shoots back either saying "well then don't bother next time if you are going to throw it in my face" or WORSE, "I KNOW you did all that nice stuff, and because of it, I've ALREADY let so much slide".

 

I also understand that it just breeds resent if someone is always saying "I did this and this for you, so shut up". At the same time though, as the person who does so much: after I've gone to 2 stores, cooked dinner, and cleaned it up, I don't think she should be complaining that the garbage was left too long.

 

What strategies have proven particularly effective for getting an ungrateful person to see the big picture, and realize that all the comforts she enjoys are NOT "standard" and should be appreciated?

[Dako]

Negotiate a truce instead of arguing or seeking the top martyr position.

There are two sides to every disagreement.

 

If it's always been this way, maybe there's no way to make her appreciate you.

[TheFoglifter]

I have recognized that there is little value in being a martyr unless you actually die. Then, you are dead -- great.

 

Negotiating a truce has worked somewhat well in past. I was just curious whether anyone had any other ideas.

 

I mean, deep down I know she does appreciate me. Sometimes it just takes a reminder, and I find that in those cases, its not the message, its the messenger. If I am the one to remind her, it'll just seem preachy.

[Zackinlaw]

As perverse as it sounds, there is such a thing as being TOO nice and accommodating!

 

I actually had a woman friend (non-romantic) admit to me once that she deliberately pushes a guy to see what he is willing to do for her. But her explanation of why fascinated me. It is not to try to take advantage of him, but to see how much he'll let her get away with ... if he won't stand up to her, she loses all respect (and attraction) for him.

 

I'm not sure of a great strategy to break this cycle, nor am I fan of "keeping score" of how much each does. Maybe you should start backing off from always doing everything to please her ... like NOT cooking dinner every night, or asking HER to do the grocery shopping.

 

Zack.

 

ps ... the "I already have let so much slide" is lame.

[sophie274]

I find this thread a bit offensive, to be honest. Though it starts out talking about "people", your thread is actually about "ungrateful women." I don't think you can generalize from two threads to saying that most of the people who take others for granted are women.

 

More particularly, I think you are truly presenting only one side of a disagreement here. While your definition of "bending over backwards" may include "letting" a girlfriend go to a club with her friends, mine does not. I fully agree with what Dako said.

 

Certain people are impossible to please: perhaps your girlfriend is one of them. I also think certain pairings just don't work out: maybe if she is eternally dissatisfied with you, there is just some basic need that you are not fulfilling and you two are not compatible.

[TheFoglifter]

I use females in my examples because I am a heterosexual male, and males do not apply to me.

 

The club example is good because it puts things into perspective. Perhaps its just icing on the cake, but as all of us here know, issues like that (strip clubs for the males, if you want an equivalent) have the potential to be explosive. If your partner does not resist these behaviors, its definitely one less thing to fight about.

 

To Zack, I have heard of women who "test" limits before. Actually one line from a woman once really stuck with me, and I quote it a lot. She said:

 

"I broke up with him (yeah, I dumped HIM) because after I realized I had him whipped to the point where I could do anything I wanted, knowing that if he ever tried to do the same I could just be loud enough that he'd decide it wasn't worth it, I realized I had no respect for him".

 

Ironic huh... you complain and complain when you DON'T get your way, and then when you get it, you are unhappy. Sometimes life really is simpler to deal in absolutes, and I can totally empathize with people who take a "my way or the highway" stance.

 

I don't let her get away with everything of course -- I have always been a "pick your battles" kind of guy. If its almost bedtime, and she is complaining about dishes or trash, its easier to just do them and shut her up than deal with pouting and juvenile behavior. If its something more, like her trying to contribute less money so she can buy something for herself, I explain why that just isn't going to happen.

 

I admit in my case, I perform "lots of little things, all the time" while she performs "a few big things once in a while". Overall it probably does stay pretty even, but its easy to get mired in the day to day comparison, and feel like I do a lot more.

[rikka]

I will take this thread from another stance.... I like lingere. I like to wear sexy things. And for awhile in my relationship I felt as though it was not being appreciated. I felt as though it was being taken for granted that it was just something I would always do. So I stopped. After a time the boyfriend asked why I stopped, I said I am surprised he noticed. And then there was as talk (I am sure everyone can assume how it went, I don't need to give details).

 

So I am with Zackinlaw. My solution was to stop being so accomodating. That is when the other person notices what you are capable of. I am not saying to stop doing all nice things, but like Zack suggested, stop doing it all. Maybe suggest that she do part of the shopping etc. Compromise is key.

[ycmanvs]

They only notice if you stop doing everything.

So, stop being so nice and see what happens.

 

I get taken for granted all the time because I am naturally a very giving person. Whenever I give up and walk away, they always come back to me. By then, it is too late and I move on because I was not appreciated in the first place. Don't let it get that far, if you want to stay with this woman.

[xprincessbugx]

"I broke up with him (yeah, I dumped HIM) because after I realized I had him whipped to the point where I could do anything I wanted, knowing that if he ever tried to do the same I could just be loud enough that he'd decide it wasn't worth it, I realized I had no respect for him".

 

I was in a relationship like that. After awhile women like a challenge. I dumped him because he became a push-over and other reasons of course but that was one of them. I could get ANYTHING I wanted and in the beginning it was cool but nice guys are easy to just push over and get whatever you want and it's not fun anymore....

[TheFoglifter]

... guys are easy to just push over and get whatever you want and it's not fun anymore...."

 

Whats bitterly ironic and funny is that the guy who has to learn the lesson this way learns it too well. His next gf complains about how he never cuts her any slack and never does anything nice.

 

Gee, wonder why.

 

I'm personally so frustrated -- I hate giving in as much as I do, but I hate the irritation that comes with standing my ground.

 

I do understand the challenge mentality, and this is why I never try to be "perfect". If I always gave her everything, and did absolutely everything, then there wouldn't be any challenge, and she'd have walked years ago. I'm never letting myself get as far as the person I quoted, but I'm also a bit far from just where I'd like to be.

 

This is also why I advise people to NEVER go outside their comfort zone in the beginning of a relationship, because then they always have to top themselves.