metalblade Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Hey all, I have a question. If you knew one of your friends was, or was intending on cheating on their bf/gf, would you try to stop them or would you cover for them? I ask because my now ex boyfriend had this friend who was not only NOT trying to stop him from cheating on me, but he was actually ENCOURAGING it!! What is the deal with guys? don't they have a conscience? The worst part is that this friend of his was also my friend!! we got along really well. I know there are times when one of your bros hates your girlfriend and will try to get you to do things which will break up the relationship, but in this case, I really don't get it. Why would someone who seems to get on fine with me allow me to be hurt like this and not even make the attempt to stop it or at least tell his friend (my boyfriend) how messed up he is for what he's doing.. somebody please explain this!!! Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Sounds like your ex's friend was a .....well I can't use that word here, but it sure sounds to me like they were trying to break the two of you up. As for me, no I wouldn't cover..but neither would I tell. I would have to remove myself from the friendship as much as possible to keep from being made to play favorites. Not to say that a few subtle hints might not make it to the ears of the person being wronged. If they are being wronged that is! We all know that sometimes a person cheats because their SO is a horrible person, but they are scared to leave. Its a complicated question! Link to comment
ghostfreak Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Sounds like your ex's friend was a .....well I can't use that word here, but it sure sounds to me like they were trying to break the two of you up. As for me, no I wouldn't cover..but neither would I tell. I would have to remove myself from the friendship as much as possible to keep from being made to play favorites. Not to say that a few subtle hints might not make it to the ears of the person being wronged. If they are being wronged that is! We all know that sometimes a person cheats because their SO is a horrible person, but they are scared to leave. Its a complicated question! I agree with that. It is very complicated, I've been through the same situation but I couldn't prove he was cheating it was only that he has talking about it to me Link to comment
yeawutever Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Depends on how he/she was treating me. If I'm being treated like dirt, then I'll bust them, if not then I'll cover up for them. Link to comment
metalblade Posted May 23, 2007 Author Share Posted May 23, 2007 Sounds like your ex's friend was a .....well I can't use that word here, but it sure sounds to me like they were trying to break the two of you up. As for me, no I wouldn't cover..but neither would I tell. I would have to remove myself from the friendship as much as possible to keep from being made to play favorites. Not to say that a few subtle hints might not make it to the ears of the person being wronged. If they are being wronged that is! We all know that sometimes a person cheats because their SO is a horrible person, but they are scared to leave. Its a complicated question! I never did think of that.. it was one friend inparticular who I thought was my friend, too.. but I guess not, if he'd allow that to happen to me. I really doubt my boyfriend cheated because i'm a horrible person.. and even if I was horrible, that would be no excuse.. there is never any excuse to cheat on someone, if they're horrible, then LEAVE the relationship.. 'nuff said! it is complicated, you don't want to interfere in a friend's relationship and some people feel it's best to stay out of it, but if I know a friend of mine is going to cheat on their SO, I'd do my damnedest to talk some sense into them, or, if they already had, I'd let 'em know they * * * *ed up and help them try to set things right! I know that, once someone has decided something, you can't talk 'em out of it, but I'd at least try!! Even if not so much to save their relationship, but to save a friend from making a mistake that will not only hurt an innocent person (their significant other) but that they will live to regret later on. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 i knew a woman who provided the place for the meetings of her sister in law and her boy toy. her reasoning was that her brother was a jerk and didn't desrve to be married anyway Link to comment
FrancisHouseman Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I would cover for my best friends. I have done in the past. If they want to tell me in confidence and they need to confide in someone then I will be there for them. However I have said things such as "what made you do that? are you not inlove with your SO?" and "what drove you to it?" I dont always agree with it but Im loyal and would never dream of grassing them up. Friends are friends through thick and thin. I know that my boyfriend's best mate cheated on every girlfriend he ever had, he is that kind of guy, he thinks being faithful goes against the laws of nature, that his genetic makeup was not made for monogamy. He finds it incredulous that my boyfriend is faithful. When they go out together he says things such as "would you cheat with her?" *points to hot girl* My boyfriend says "no" friend says "LIAR!!" he cant believe it, cant fathom it. I get on great with this guy and i dont hold it against him because i know he isnt trying to purposely make my boyfriend cheat and i also trust my boyfriend that he wouldnt so i am not nervous when they go out. Your boyfriend cheated on you and thats HIS flaw, HIS Fault and HIS downfall. Im sorry this happened to you, but its not his friend who betrayed you. His friend was probably being the typical alpha male (had he had a drink?) "yeah go on mate! he he" i doubt his brain was even in gear with regards to you or your relationship and it wasnt his place to stop your boyfriend from cheating. Im sorry for you, but you need to forget about both of them and move on. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 it is in the man code.....don't rat on your buddy. Link to comment
OmegaMan Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 What is the deal with guys? don't they have a conscience? Ah c'mon now, enough of that. Let's please keep those oversimplification of human nature to the bare minimum. You know as much as me that having a conscience has nothing to do with what you have between your legs. I really doubt my boyfriend cheated because i'm a horrible person.. and even if I was horrible, that would be no excuse.. there is never any excuse to cheat on someone, if they're horrible, then LEAVE the relationship.. 'nuff said! Amen to that. I completely agree. As far as covering for your friend. It's their life isn't? Let them lead their life the way they see fit I say and I will do the same. Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I wouldn't because if someone knew that my significant other were cheating on me, I would want to know. Honestly, I think a TRUE friend would tell the cheater, "if you don't tell your SOP by a week from Friday, then I am going to tell him/her". Then give that person the opportunity to fess up. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 "live and let live " is my motto Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 "live and let live " is my motto Has that worked well for you? If so, then my congratulations. But I have found in my own experience that honesty is really the only way to go. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Has that worked well for you? If so, then my congratulations. But I have found in my own experience that honesty is really the only way to go. it got me through my tour in the Gulf in 1991 Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 it got me through my tour in the Gulf in 1991 Isn't honesty important in the military or should I say loyalty? That's all I'm saying. Honesty is usually the best way to go. And I'd rather have a friend who is loyal to a value rather than willing to cover up something that would cause a lot of hurt and pain to someone I supposedly care about. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Isn't honesty important in the military or should I say loyalty? That's all I'm saying. Honesty is usually the best way to go. And I'd rather have a friend who is loyal to a value rather than willing to cover up something that would cause a lot of hurt and pain to someone I supposedly care about. good point.......i need a better motto, maybe "do unto others............"? Link to comment
PreciousPrincess Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 good point.......i need a better motto, maybe "do unto others............"? The golden rule is a pretty good place to start Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 i hear that all major religions have that same code Link to comment
littlestar Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 In honesty i am not actually what i would do if my friend was in the situation you described. I am personally involved in an affair and the small handful of friends that know about it are telling me to go for it. It does make you think what kind of friends they really are. But this is a hard question. I guess the "perfect" friend would encourage you NOT to do something like that. But in life we arent perfect and thereforeeee do terrible things to people we love sometimes intentionally and other times unintentionally. Doesnt make you a bad person though. What i have learnt from my experience is you cant really say how you will act on a situation until it happens to you and sometimes what you say you will do and what you actually do when the situation arises can be 2 different things. Life's tough and we dont always make the "right" decisions or we do make decisions that seem "right" at the time and later down the track prove to be not so right. Link to comment
poke Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 part of being a good friend is holding your friend accountable for their actions. I would first of all work with them to get the situation resolved of their own accord, but after that... If they were cheating on a friend / person I cared about... I'd give them two weeks to fess up, then I'd be telling my other friend. Covering for wrong doing only allows the person committing the act to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. and yes, it may cost you your friendship with that person. but you will have done what is right, and sometimes doing what is right is not the easy option. Link to comment
FrancisHouseman Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 [quote=PreciousPrincess;1639145 Honestly, I think a TRUE friend would tell the cheater, "if you don't tell your SOP by a week from Friday, then I am going to tell him/her". Then give that person the opportunity to fess up. Im sorry I dont agree with that at all! a TRUE friend would LISTEN to you, be there FOR YOU and not issue ultimatums and threats and not grass you up! A true friend is someone you can go and talk to about your deepest darkest secrets, thank god I have such friends and i know that if i ever did something like cheat they would support me and be there for me and not go and tell tale on me. Thats interfering, and no the act of a TRUE friend. Link to comment
metalblade Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 Im sorry I dont agree with that at all! a TRUE friend would LISTEN to you, be there FOR YOU and not issue ultimatums and threats and not grass you up! A true friend is someone you can go and talk to about your deepest darkest secrets, thank god I have such friends and i know that if i ever did something like cheat they would support me and be there for me and not go and tell tale on me. Thats interfering, and no the act of a TRUE friend. OK, I have a serious problem with that.. a TRUE friend would let you know when you're wrong and wouldn't cover for you whilst you intentionally hurt someone. They wouldn't just turn a blind eye when you're about to make a huge mistake. I have one very true friend who pulls no punches when it comes to letting me know when I'm in the wrong. He has always been there to talk to, but never has been a "yes man" who goes along with everything I do right or wrong. If you were about to hit an innocent person in your car, or commit some sort of crime, would your friend just go along with it cos it was something you just "needed to do?" it's the same thing.. friends support each other, but like the gentleman a few posts up said, true friends will hold you accountable for your actions and let you know when you're wrong. Being cheated on by someone you love is a terrible feeling and is arguably the most painful experience you can go through. It is the worst form of betrayal and, not unlike being the innocent person hit by that car, it hurts like hell and nobody deserves it. It's quite interesting how many people would just turn a blind eye to it.. scary. Link to comment
OmegaMan Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Can we not agree that the expression true friend has different meaning for different people? Link to comment
metalblade Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 Can we not agree that the expression true friend has different meaning for different people? well, of course we can.. everybody's doing that right now.. expressing what they feel a true friend is.. Link to comment
FrancisHouseman Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 i'm sorry but i dont think we NEED people tellig us whats right or wrong, i am assuming we are not morons and can judge for ourselves...Im talking about a friend who listens to you, doesnt agree with you, says "Im sorry but i think its awful what you are doing.." however despite this they dont purposely go out of their way to ensure you get caught. I wouldnt cover for a voilent friend who killed people or punched their lights out, thats taking it beyond the subject we were talking about, Im saying if my friend was cheating then its up to them, its not my place to break up their relationship or be their moral guide or conscience, the fact is, if they are taking to me about it in the first place its because they KNOW its wrong and they just need to sound off to someone they trust. A true friend is someone you can trust. Link to comment
FrancisHouseman Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 I remember years ago my first love broke my heart cheating on me, his best friend kept trying in roundabout ways to find out why i wa so inlove with this guy, he kept saying "He doesnt deserve you.." but wouldnt say why. He knew his friend was cheating on me but couldnt be disloyal to his friend. I never blamed him for that when i found out, it hurts like hell to be played for a fool and be cheated on by someone you love, but his best friend was being loyal whilst also telling him it was wrong and trying to gage from me the level of my committment to him. I think he played it right, if he had of come to me and said "look he has admitted to me he cheated on you!" I would have lost respect for his friend and said "geez im glad my friends arent like you, who would i have to go to with the deepest darkest secrets of my heart?" My brother found out his girlfriend was cheating on him because HER best friend rang him and told him. I found that awful!! as much as i cared about my brother and hated his girlfriend for breaking his heart, i thought he friend was horrible and sneaky!! imagine how it would feel to be double crossed by someone you trusted had your back? THats why i say a true friend would cover for you. they dont have to agree with you, encourage you or be a bad person, just be trustworthy and loyal to the secret they have shared with you. ~Not everyone who cheat is a BAD person. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.