olena Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 Hi all, It's been 4 months since I packed up and left a 6 1/2 year relationship because 'he needed to find him self' and 'did not know what he wanted out of life and even though he loves me and does not want to lose me for good, he wants to be alone for now'... He moved into his new flat a couple of weeks ago...I had always thought that I would be there, but instead his brother (with whom he is not close at all) is with him... He came to drop off some staff from our house last week Monday and i was in a really bad mood...he told me once again that one day he would like to marry me and I asked him to leave... He said that he mises me and that it's good that I am throwing him out...I asked him to leave and eventually he did... Today whilst at work he chatted to me on MSN...don't have much to say to him as I am not his friend...he sounded really stressed with his new flat, furniture, unpacking etc...and then he asked how I was doing on which I replied that I was terribly tired...I ended the conversation by asking him how he can say that he loves me when he does not have time for me...he replied that not spending time with me and focusing on him self alone (not another woman or anyone ealse) does not mean that he does not love me but that he is going through a difficult time and that he needs to be alone... I left it to that...I really don't know how to move on...I only have a small group of friends and going out to bars etc with a bunch of drunk people is not my style...Iam not dying to meet other people...but rather to learn to live on my own - for my self and not feel miserable everyday...I don't want to stop loving him and I am not ready to move on...in fact another guy is the last thing that I can think off at this stage.. I trully loved him...but so much has happened in the last year and a half and I am scared that it's gonna take him even longer to 'find him self'... I feel devastated and I go through some days that I break into tears in the street, on the bus or on the train....at work, I am keeping busy, but weekends are horrible for me...as much time as I try to spend with friends there is always a gap...something missing from my heart... I wish someone could give me some hope...he has not lived his live to the full and I am scared that there is no point waiting for him as he may take long or for ever to make up his mind as to what he wants from 'us'... I makes me sad to see other couples, to think back...my life has changed so much in the last 4 months that it's as if my previous life was a movie that someone paused and I look forward to find out what happens in the end.... I feel powerless as there is nothing that I can do to help him or me...to help us...he says that he wants me to carry on loving him and I am really fed up with friends and everyone telling me that if I hand around I may end up being excess baggage sometime... My heart won't let him go...not at this stage and not for a while... I wish there was someone who would just give me a hug and let me break into tears...because I am really fed up with being strong and making an effort to move on..I am fed up of trying even for me as I am only fooling my self... I don't know if I should call him, not call him, continue showing him that I love him, keep it casual, be his friend, not be his friend...there is no magic perscription...and it feels as if every hour of the day I want to do something different.... I am simply lost... Olena Link to comment
i_doc Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 i know lots of people must be telling you to leave the bastard. but i think u should for now just think positive about ur future with him... i'm taking a break from my 4.5 yr relationship to also find myself... and its been really hard on me, and i might lose her in the process. but i think its good for us. to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. one thing that will help is as him wat kinda timeline he's thinking.... he needs to give u a timeline like 6 months, then he'll have to let u know to set u free or get back together. i told my gf 1 month only... Link to comment
broken-love Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 its ok it happens talk to him and call him Link to comment
Clabs Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Hey Olena I don't buy into this "need to find myself" and "have to be alone" thing - to me it is BS. What does that message actually say? To me it says that he doesn't want to be with you - he wants to try the single life. "But, be a luvvy and carry on loving me and missing me while I go check out that grasss over there because it looks greener from here.". He sounds pretty immature to me. What can you do? Well - the simple truth is to do nothing. He wants to see what life is like on his own - so leave him alone - disappear for a while and give him the space he asks for. I don't know if you are familiar with this no contact concept? Basically, it means no contact. No email, no text, no phone calls, no IM, no snooping on Myspace or Facebook - no nothing. The idea behind this is that it allows you to get yourself back on track and to heal as quickly as possible. It will allow you time to reflect on the relationship and what you want out of it. It gives time for that fog that is love to clear a little so that you can see things more clearly. A by-product of this is that it may be the bolt of lightening that shakes him up and realise that actually, he is throwing away the best thing since sliced bread - though that is not the purpose of NC. At the end of the day, you really have nothing to lose. If you keep chasing after him, you will just drive him further away and you cannot be a friend to him (unless you are a masochist). It won't drive him away by not talking to him. He will manage to contact you if he wants to get back together with you. Take it easy and look after yourself Mark Link to comment
rokston Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 i'm going through a very similar situation - gf feels she needs to find herself etc. so we are on break, yet she constantly tells me she loves me and misses me. i dont really have much advice to give since i am so confused myself. personally, i decided not to talk with her much (go semi-NC) because from previous experience speaking all the time makes things complicated - lots of emotions, pain and you hear things you dont want to. i miss her constantly and itch to pick up the phone but i know she needs time to make up her own mind and not be helped in doing so by me, also i need to find a way of not thinking about what she is up to the whole time. i suppose the only thing we can really do is get on with out own lives and hope that things work out for the best. i am trying to keep busy with work, friends etc and doing obsessive amounts of sport (some friends think i am crazy ). last thing i want to be with someone else so luckily i am not thinking about that yet.. good luck and i hope things work out well for you. stay strong and be positive!! Link to comment
olena Posted May 27, 2007 Author Share Posted May 27, 2007 Hi all, thanks for the replies... I feel completely lost and devastated - more and more so every day...I try to meet up with friends, but I am really not interested in anything that they have to say...I am disappointed with everyone as they all think that I am doing great, and nobody can see that inside me I am falling apart... But then that's what I have always been hard on the outside and soft inside... I have been thinking alot in the last week or so, and did not post back until I figure out in my head...I have decided not to contact him and not to answer to any calls or text messages for a while... Taking to him or seeing him is yet another reminder of the whole situation...and it takes me back...initially, I felt that I could handle it...that it would keep us together...but as the days, weeks and months go by I feel that it's too painful for me to handle...not now anyway... I wish I could just dumpt my job and go travelling for a few months...go as far away as possible to forget as much of it as possible....but that's not an option...Some of my friends are already talking to me about moving on, considering other guys...but I am simply not interested...all I want is to be alone...Keeping in touch is slowly turning me into a person that I never used to be...neurotic, obsessive, oppressive, demanding...and all I used to be was loving, caring and understanding...Even in my everyday life, I am turning into a b***ch - the type of woman that I have always resented. I feel that if continue to be in touch with him right now, I will either become insane, or I will spoil everything that may be left out of this relationship....and I don't like my self very much right now...I try to look after me...because of work, I always have to be neat with make up and dressed up...and as soon as I get on the train to come back home I break into tears...I come back home and get rid of my clothes and make up and end up crying all over again... Maybe, there were signs there whilst we were still together...thinking back, definitely I can think of a few...but I loved him so much that every dream and hope that I have had, he was part of it...true what they say - that love is blind... The chances are that I will love him for a long time....I don't generally get attached to people including friends....and 6 1/2 years of being attached to someone won't go away too quickly or easily...at least for me... The truth is that there is no magic recipie in making a relationship work...and it's only afterwards that you have the luxury to think of what could have been done differently...well...he says that he is having a break from us and relationship...and I am for now having a break from life... In my heart, I am hoping that he will come back...if he still has the heart of the person that I have loved for so many years, he will come back... Olena Link to comment
schueysgirl Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 Hi Olena, there is nothing wrong with a little hope, i think everyone needs it. Buts its important to move on also and be strong on your own, which i know you are trying to do. That way if he ever does come back to you (and it could be another 6 years - who knows?! you will be a strong person, who knows what you want and wont have wasted your time being sad and achieved a lot of other things. Link to comment
rokston Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 your ex- is a very lucky man to have had you in his life and i am sure that one day he will realize that losing you was a huge mistake. only time can tell what will come out of it once he does but in the meantime you are doing the right thing to go NC. cutting contact will set you free and let you build your own dreams. good luck to you. things WILL get better! xx Link to comment
olena Posted May 27, 2007 Author Share Posted May 27, 2007 Hi all, No contact is hard...I keep busy for as much as I can in my day, but as soon as I have some free time, my mind goes back to reality... I started keeping a diary...Everyday that I don't contact him or hear from him I write down my feelings and my thoughts...I suppose it's a way of getting them out... definitely, no contact is one of the hardest things that I have had to do... Olena Link to comment
dreamguy Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 olena, I also think that your ex is a very lucky man to have had you in his life. I hope one day soon he will wake up and realize what he lost ! You seem to be a very sensitive and loving woman. There's a line that you said and it touched me a lot: "In my heart, I am hoping that he will come back...if he still has the heart of the person that I have loved for so many years, he will come back". It touched me because that's exactly how I think about my ex. I always tell myself that if she still has the heart of the person I first fell in love with almost 3 years ago then she will come back ! Hang in there ! Link to comment
Blazer Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 In my heart, I am hoping that he will come back...if he still has the heart of the person that I have loved for so many years, he will come back... Olena Olena, I hope he hasn't lost that part of himself and that one day you will have the chance to be together again. He would be lucky to have someone like you. Link to comment
olena Posted May 28, 2007 Author Share Posted May 28, 2007 Thank you all for your word of encouragement... I am on my second day of no contact...and it's hard...I went to the gym and I am getting ready to meet up a friend in an hour or so... But my mind is ealsewhere... I have to wonder if he is thinking about me, even though when I spoke to him for the last time he told me that he would be painting his new flat over the long weekend...with his brother... Anyway, I want to see how many days it will take him to notice that he had not talked to me... Olena Link to comment
Clabs Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 Hey Olena Good for you getting on with things - the gym is so good for you right now. And keeping busy - meeting up with friends. It is only natural that your mind will be elsewhere. You will wonder if he is thinking about you and missing you and if he is going to call. That is the hard part of NC - just be strong and it will all start feeling better real soon. Take care Mark Link to comment
olena Posted May 28, 2007 Author Share Posted May 28, 2007 I just got back home after meeting up with two firneds..it's the first time since the night before I left home that I am drunk. My phone rang a couple of times this afternoon and everyu time I hoped htat it would be hikm... But no...it was other people.. I didn't bother pickng up... This is the ned of the second day..I might as well consider giving uj smoking as well...it can't be more hard thatn NC...In fact I tried giving up before- a year ago and its much easier than what I have been doing... THANK GOD THE LONG WEEKEND ITS OVER....havbe I mentioned how much I HATE weekends? Maybe I should getmy self a weekend job...to keep 110% busy... THAT;S all I need at the molment... Olena Link to comment
olena Posted May 29, 2007 Author Share Posted May 29, 2007 Hi all. I am on my 3 day of no contact - at work my director realised that something's up as he left me a voicemail afterwork asking if I am ok...I suppose I will have to come up with an excuse in the morning and try to get my act together... Day 3 went by fairly quickly....I suppose at this rate, and by the time that I feel comfortable talking to him again, I will be super fit because all I seem to be doing nowdays is kick boxing at the gym... I suppose I am having a better day than yesterday and the day before overall... Olena Link to comment
caliboy_2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Hi Olena, I swear to God I am going through the same exact thing... except, I'm the guy and my GF basically has said exactly what he has said to you. She is taking a break from us for the 3rd time. I wanted to post here and say that I TRULY feel when you say it is hard. I am on my 6th day that I haven't talked to her and it is killing me. The long weekend was bad too but I'm not here to magnify our sad emotions. Sure, I have the same hope you do but we need to work on OURSELVES now. I know you've heard this probably 100 times but that's what we have to do. Be strong. Your EX doesn't know what he is about to lose. Link to comment
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