My side of the story

[jul-els]

Hello All,

 

I am just writing to sort of ruminate out loud and see if and what feedback I can get as a result.

 

I think I may be ready to end my relationship. I am not 100% sure.

 

My girlfriend, who can be very sweet and happy at times, suffers from mood swings and unstable emotions.

 

I did fall in love with her, we have been together for about a year and a half, but I'm just not sure if I can take any more. It is very painful and crazymaking for me.

 

I know that she believes in her heart that she loves me and if I ended it it would probably hurt her to no end but the way things are now are really hurting me quite a bit.

 

I have told her many times about how her behavior is affecting me and why but she dosen't seem to completely grasp what I am talking about or really care.

 

She was once very much into me sexually and now she seems to have little to marginal interest and I have explained this to her and how I am still very much into her but I can only really be interested if she is as well. Otherwise I'm really not.

 

The happy times we have shared were great but they don't seem to carry over into the everyday on a consistent basis. What I mean about this specifically is that she tends to be an extremely tense person in general and when she goes to work everyday it causes her to both leave and come home in a really bad mood. I'm always happy and upbeat. I like my job. She has a very pessimistic outlook on hers. It causes her to alternate between ignoring me or snapping at me. I have explained all of this to her in detail many times. Lately she seems to understand it a little bit more and is actually making some decent improvments in this area but it's still really hard for both of us to deal with. The main thing that makes it so difficult for me is that on the weekends she is as happy as a clam and a true joy to be around. Then monday comes and this other person shows up who doesn't really seem to care and I think I'm finally starting to admit to myself that I don't care for her either. Ouch! That hurts!

 

She knows of all my concerns. I have brought them up many times and tried to the utmost of my ability to keep an open dialogue going. She kind of understands. She kind of dosen't. We have fought about it many times even though neither one of us wants to. I just feel like I should be treated with the same kind of respect that I give. This is a foreign concept to her, I am trying my best to communicate to her what it is that makes me happy. What makes me happy is to make her happy. I have said this to her time and time again. It dosen't seem to register.

 

I have offered to go to counseling many times, but she says she is not interested. It is something I would like to pursue, but again, only if it's something that we both want.

 

I'm just feeling very tired now, like I might have reached the point where I have taken all I can. I know that life is too short to go through it unhappy and that's the last thing I want for either one of us. I may be reaching the end. I'm not sure. Thanks for listening.

[TheFoglifter]

In a way, you described me -- though I'm still confident that for my gf, the good times outweigh the bad times. I know I'm angry and irritable, and I try my best to be happy.

 

In some ways, my gf is also the pessimistic one, acting like life is miserable and all that.

 

There really isn't a cure. You can try the old "shake up the routine" stuff -- doing things you wouldn't normally do. Go out randomly on weeknights. Surprise each other with gifts, or trips to places nearby. Do things you wouldn't normally do.

 

Best of luck.

[jul-els]

Thank you, foglifter. Yes, we do all of these things on a regular basis. We have a really great time. That's my problem, I feel like everything's great and I'm really pleased and happy and the next day I come home to someone who dosen't want to listen to or speak to me. It's oh so frustrating!

[TheFoglifter]

My gf can be that way, and so can I. I'm sure we frustrate each other.

 

The love is there, and I'm thankful she puts up with it. I know she is thankful that I do the same.

[jul-els]

Yes, her and I love each other as well but that is just one dimension of a happy, functioning, relationship. I really am an optimistic person but it just gets hard when you feel like you're the only one who feels that way. I don't know. Nothing in this world is fair, I guess and the good things don't come easy. I guess I just need to keep trying. I just wish I felt more like her and I were on the same page. I'm trying to the best of my ability to find a way there. It's hard and I just get tired.

 

I think the problem I'm having is I don't feel that appreciation from her that you speak of. Maybe I'm not looking closely enough although I don't think that's the case. I think that I'm the more functional one of the two of us on the emotional scale and if I want to stay with her then that's something that I'm just going to have to learn to accept.

[jul-els]

Update.

 

We seem to be slowly turning a corner on this issue. She seems to be really making a sincere effort to understand my feelings/way of thinking. I can see it's not easy for her but she's really trying. I guess she's cares more than I was giving her credit for. I can see hope for us being where I want us to be on this issue. I am so grateful to be able to see the effort from her that I wasn't able to see before. It's all about communication. It's also all about keeping an open mind and an open heart. Bless her heart.

[jul-els]

Update.

 

We are turning a really amazing corner now. She finally agreed that counseling would be beneficial to us and ever since that moment something seems to have "clicked". We are reaching an understanding.

 

All of the feelings I was trying to express seem to be starting to be heard by her. She is starting to open up in ways that I was starting to think I would never get to see. We have been seeing a therapist who we both really like for about a month now and we are both really sincere about it.

 

It's weird, ever since that day when she said to me that we should go to counseling, it's like a switch went on and we are beginning to see the light in the areas in which before we were having a really hard time connecting. It feels really good to feel our bond getting stronger and better. I am really pleased and grateful for it. Things are looking very good and we're both feeling happy with the direction our relationship is taking. The hard work we have put in is paying off. It's a really good feeling.

[BellaDonna]

Thanks for updating us. I'm glad that things are working out for you and your girlfriend. It's nice to see a happy ending to your story.

 

BellaDonna

[jul-els]

Thank you, BellaDonna. I'm not so sure we have reached the "happy ending" as there is still a lot of work to be done but I am really hopeful with the direction things are going in. Things are definitely looking up.

 

Truth is, I have come very close to the point where I am ready to give up but we love each other and I'm not completely there yet.

 

I think she senses this and is ready to take steps to work with me in getting on the same page in regards to communication (this is huge for us) and living in a functional environment together.

 

Good or bad, it takes two and I think the two of us have made a decision to work together towards the greater good of our relationship. As I said before, it really is a wonderful feeling and I have a much stronger sense of hope right now. It's been really hard coming to terms with each other and finding common ground, but nothing worth having in this world ever comes easy. Little by little we are getting there.

[beauty21]

Glad to hear that Jul-els. See, a little time and a lotta love can be very rewarding.

[viox]

Do you think that she could possibly be bi-polar? If this is the case, then maybe she needs to get it taken care of? They have medication out there that will help control her mood swings. Whether you stick by her side or not, this could be something she might want to look into.

 

As for what you're feeling, I really don't know what to say. If she's being b*tchy just because that's part of her "character", then I don't think you should stick around. But if it's something she can't really control on her own, if you love her then you can try and work through it together.

[jul-els]

At this point we don't know what's causing it. That's what we're working on.

 

I'm there to give her my support and the counselor is there to help guide her through it as well as help me learn how to deal with it in a manner that is healthy and productive.

 

That's where we're at now. We'll see what the future holds in store.

[jul-els]

Update.

 

The counseling is going well. The person that we're seeing is great and we both like her. We've been going twice a month for about 3 mos. now and we can both feel the benefits of it.

 

It's still hard though. It's hard because we love each other and are very different people at the same time.

 

The positives are we both have a really good sense of humor and can make each other laugh all the time. We have a good sex life and are both very attracted to each other except for the up and down nature of her emotions which has caused me to back off quite a bit in that dept. in order to try and keep myself stabilized. She hasn't complained a bit about this and is sincerely trying to be supportive in this regard. We also both have very similar desires and outlooks on life in general although my beliefs and theorys on life tend to run far deeper than hers do.

 

On the side of the negatives we have the fact that I am a deep thinker and she is a deep worrier. Far from an ideal combination. I am an extrovert and she is an introvert. I am laid back and she is tense. I love to talk and she is very quiet. My energy levels tend to run much higher than hers do. I get home and there is nothing I am looking forward to more than to see her again and to be in her company. My enthusiasm levels run high. She, on the other hand, is tired, grumpy, uncommunicative and unengaged.

 

This last thing in particular is a big reason why I was feeling things could not ultimately work out. It seems like we just don't want the same things. The best way I could say summarize this difference is to say it seems like she wants someone to be there and I want someone to be with. That probably doesn't make any sense to anyone reading this, but it to me is a major discrepancy in the contrast of our personalities. But the thing is it's improving. The therapy is really helping her to be more open and communicative towards me and I can see that she is really trying.

 

She loves me and wants to make this work. I feel the same way about her. I can see that. I just feel like I need a little bit of time to recoup emotionally while she decides if she is happy with me or not. I have kind of put myself on auto-pilot recently emotionally in order to maintain my comfort level and give us both a chance to stabilize and come together to stand on solid common ground.

 

It's still up in the air as to whether we will go the distance. But things are slowly improving all the time. Its 3 steps forward and one or two steps back at the moment. But there is promise, there is hope, and there is love. With time, patience, understanding, and a little bit of luck we might just make it through. Keep your fingers crossed for us. Thanks for reading.