today would have been a year...

[DeeTeeCee]

Dear S,

Perhaps you'll remember that it was a year ago this day when i asked you out on a rainy sunday evening. I had never felt so motivated to go for something, and as cliche as it sounds, i had never felt so alive during that period when you had resurfaced in my life.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I do remember, and as much as i want to call and say hey and acknowledge that date, i cannot. I still have not healed and moved on, and it would be pointless to do so.

 

I know that lately i've been really trying to remind myself of all the reasons why i resented you and all the reasons we weren't right for each other, in order to help me move on. Despite all the negative things i can think of about us, i still can't help but reminisce on the good times. A part of me still thinks about you, still hopes, still longs for you, still loves you, and that's what kills me.

 

I'm sorry for the way we turned out, you know I would've loved for us to keep trying, to keep working on whatever problems we had. But apparently you no longer felt that it was worth it. Perhaps you're right, maybe we were doomed from the start what with all the red flags i never noticed or just ignored. It's like what Feist sang, "the saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending, so much as the start."

 

I know i try not to care, try not to worry about what you're doing. But as long as i'm being honest, the truth is i am tempted to see what you're up to, to see if you've moved onto someone new, to check up on that facebook page. But i know nothing good can come of that, and the pain of our breakup and the attempt to stay in contact as friends reminds me that i am only going to be sabotaging myself if i do so.

 

i just can't help but miss you, your smile, your laugh, your embrace, your worries, your frustrations, all of it.

 

Honestly, i do hope to be friends in some way somewhere down the line. What i've been trying to emphasize to you is that it cannot happen right now, i can't become your friend overnight. And when you decide to lash out at me for this decision, it discourages me all the more.

 

Its so painful to replay your words of, 'i love you,' and 'i'm going to marry you,' in my head, which were said even after the breakup. such empty words, empty promises, yet i cannot help but hold onto them by a thread of my heart.

 

Despite all the reasons I have to resent you, I know i wasn't a complete saint to you as well, and I am sorry for the harsh words i had said, and the jealousy which got the better of me at times and for making you feel like you weren't being heard. I wish i could only go back with what i know now and perhaps make different choices.

 

You're never going to read this, and perhaps it's better that you don't. I couldn't help but reminisce about us just a bit today, a day that could've been so much more significant for both of us. But i guess things don't always work out the way we want them to. I just hope that we can both as individuals take what we can from our relationship to learn from it, grow from it and better understand ourselves in the process.

 

Til one day when i feel like we can contact each other without feeling this pain, ciao.

 

-Daniel

[justanother1]

this is beautiful. it brought me to tears.