Hurting and really long post

[swtsmr93]

I am brand new here and have been reading some posts and am really impressed with the quality of responses to issues.

 

This is long: I met about 3 1/2 years ago a guy from online personals. We met and clicked immediately. He called the next day and we saw each other sporadically due to both of our schedules. Truly believed that he was the one.

 

Fast forward to 6 months later and we started exchanging IM's about "different" things in sex and he asked me if I'd like to see him dressed up. I had never done that before but was willing to try it. That became the only constant in our "relationship." I bought him all kinds of toys clothes, wigs, makeup, did his makeup, etc. and he bought a strap on.

 

This continued with daily emails, text, phone calls, but not regular physical contact as he was always traveling for his job.

 

Then we started 3 ways with other men. I had to set it all up. More fetishes were revealed such as wearing diapers, "collecting" from other guys in a shot glass, gay porn, etc.

 

I went along with everything as I now know I thought it would make him love me. He finally told me that he wanted to be a woman and he wanted me to help me help him. Made it to the point of scheduling an appointment to start hormones.

 

The entire time he took me out for dinner once. We never went to his house because he said he had a roommate. I never met his friends. I know this was utter foolishness but at the time I was believing everything and I kept insisting I was a committment phobe--true. He stood me up regularly.

 

Last summer he called drunk during the middle of the night to tell me we couldn't see each other anymore as he was seeing a woman he just met. She had just left her husband and had 3 small kids.

 

2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He never spoke to me again even though we exchanged very, very angry hate filled emails and txts. The baby was stillborn.

 

For all of the hurt and all of the anger, I wanted him to come back. Instead, I just found out he married this woman about 6 months after he left.

 

I am so sad. He had said that he had never and could never tell another person about his preferences. That part I believe and I would be very surprised if his wife knows all. I am about positive I pushed him into being married because he was terrified I would tell someone(there are tons of pics, videos, emails I'd never do a thing with)and he was desperate to appear straight. He's 43 never been married and has a very prominant public position and wanted to make things look good.

 

Can a man just stop all of this out of fear? Is that realistic? He was very experienced with men--does this stop too?

 

I miss our little girl and him and just cannot stop crying right now. I wasn't good enough!

[willow2900]

Hi swtsmr93; Welcome to ENA!

 

Ok, there's a lot in that post but it sums down to one thing: he was using you. In every way, shape, form, using you. He used you for his sexual fantasies and was most likely dating his now-wife for quite some time while you were together. But that's neither here nor there.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. Losing a child is a terrible, heart-wrenching thing I can empathize. Very sad.

 

You need to separate yourself from him completely. I mean 100%! His behaviour is very destructive to you, and you need some time to get your head together here. You need to digest all the emotional turmoil of the past while and figure out what you would like for yourself here. Have you seen a counselor regarding all these issues? If not - I suggest it. You might find some comfort in talking to an impartial third party. I know I did.

 

Take some time now to work on yourself and get your life back inorder here. Also, I am not sure of your age but I hope that that is not a concern here as well. Bottom line - this is YOU time! Remember that. Change those thoughts away from him and focus on YOU!

[swtsmr93]

Thank you willow for getting through my post!

 

Yep you are exactly right. I wanted to believe differently but he was just using me.

 

I have had no contact what so ever with him since I had to speak to his attorney to tell him about our daughter. He's an attorney so he hired one to make sure I "did not reveal the details of his personal life."

 

I am seeing a counselor and on extensive meds. I should have added that I have had severe depression for years and was crawling out my hole before.

 

Thing is I really liked being part of the t-girl world--such incredibly compassionate, kind real human beings that I've never experienced.

 

I'm left feeling like it was me that was a freak for participating in his fetishes.

 

I wake up in such a horrible physical ache and I wake up thinking over and over I want to be dead.

 

I have been focusing on him to avoid trying to cope with losing our daughter.

 

I'm 38 and so age is a concern for me.

 

I feel like the worst person in the world because out of sheer anger and stupidity I responsed before the baby was stillborn to a nasty email from his attorney with details of his fetishes and how it was never a real relationship and I was just his pimp.

 

I never, ever wanted to hurt him over his preferences.

 

I'm rambling because of the overwhelming pain.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[willow2900]

Yep you are exactly right. I wanted to believe differently but he was just using me..

 

Ah, you are not the only guilty person to believe something that wasn't true! We try and try and TRY to make ourselves believe what we want but the truth (at least in my experience) always seems to jump back in there. It's almost like the harder you look away, avoid, push it aside it finds a way to jump back at ya, full force! Truth is a powerful thing.

 

I have had no contact what so ever with him since I had to speak to his attorney to tell him about our daughter. He's an attorney so he hired one to make sure I "did not reveal the details of his personal life." .

 

In this case I believe NC is best. He has his life now, his new wife, his own life away from you. That is what he chose. Continue on NC. This guy is not good for you at all. Not good.

 

I am seeing a counselor and on extensive meds. I should have added that I have had severe depression for years and was crawling out my hole before..

 

That is good you are seeing a counselor. Keep doing that. I hope you are just as open and honest with your counselor as you have been here. There are big issues and feelings you need to work through here. I believe that especially given your past hx of severe depression that a counselor is the best route here.

 

I'm left feeling like it was me that was a freak for participating in his fetishes..

 

Have you mentioned that to your counselor? I don't have much advice here but at the very least it is in your past. We all make mistakes and do things we aren't proud of; it's a part of being human.

 

I wake up in such a horrible physical ache and I wake up thinking over and over I want to be dead..

 

Have you mentioned your suicidal thoughts to your counselor? You can work through this. There is a lot going on and it is going to take some time to fully digest it all here. But you have the power to work through it.

 

I have been focusing on him to avoid trying to cope with losing our daughter. .

 

You need to grieve for your daughter. You need to accept the terrible hurt and pain that you felt. You need to feel the anguish of why such an event occurred. You need to feel that pain before you can work through it. Will it ever go away? I doubt it. But you need to figure out how to function again. Don't give him the satisfaction of your thoughts. Give those thoughts to your daughter. She deserves them 10 fold over him.

 

I'm 38 and so age is a concern for me. .

 

Well not a concern for the way I was thinking. I just wanted to make sure you weren't 16 and in this situation. That would be a whole different ball game. But your age does put the death of your daughter in more perspective. I am sure that a part of you feels like "this was my chance!" The only thing I can suggest here is that you work through the acceptance and grief over your daughter's death. Having another child, either biological or adopted or other means, right now would just cover up the pain you still have. It will be a bandaid solution to the grief. Again, talk to your counselor and see what they have to say.

 

I'm rambling because of the overwhelming pain. .

 

You are allowed to ramble. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to feel overwhelming pain. You are not in the wrong here at all for feeling or thinking any of this.

 

The power is in your hands here. The power for you to be whole again. The power and strength is inside of you. You have a lot of issues to work through and again, yet again, I urge you to continue counseling. You may even want to think about a program that you could enter into for a month's stay or something like that. I think you want to have your life back in your control. A counselling retreat or whatever it's called may be a good solution for you to intensly and efficiently work through these issues.

[swtsmr93]

Willow you are obviously very wise and kind!

 

I cannot disagree with a thing you said. He made his choice and we were not it.

 

I want to lay down on the floor and kick and scream and cry because it's not fair. I know know know life isn't fair!

 

Right now I want him to be a bad person, I want him to be unhappy. But I have not one ounce of control over that and I am very confident he has no regrets and is very happy.

 

What goes around does not come back around!

 

Getting my life back is the hard part because I don't want it back. I want the one I thought I was going to have. That's extremely childish I know.

 

I haven't let any of this out. So I am really uncorking all of this pent up anger, sadness, and pain and trying to take a very hard look at the changes I need to make.

 

Thank you for your kindness and especially your directness.

[willow2900]

Right now I want him to be a bad person, I want him to be unhappy. But I have not one ounce of control over that and I am very confident he has no regrets and is very happy.

 

What goes around does not come back around!

 

Getting my life back is the hard part because I don't want it back. I want the one I thought I was going to have. That's extremely childish I know.

 

Ah, not childish in the least! It is you dealing with the pain and anguish of what was done to you. Regardless of whether or not you allotted it to occur, it is what it is. And you have every single right to be upset and frustrated over it. You are not the only one to wish pain on an ex. Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want to watch their ex wallow in their own guilt of the mess that they (apparently) left behind them?

 

But that feeling, that gloating over their failure, it only lasts for a moment. A second. A breif lapse in time where you feel like you've gained control over yourself. But you know what? You haven't. You've allowed it to go back to their side because you allowed what he is doing, what he is thinking to control your life again. It is about him and his failures rather than you and your successes. That is when NC is benificial. For me, it forced me to focus on the most important thing in my life - myself. Becuase without me, I have no future. Without me there is no pontential wife, mother, best friend out there for the man of my dreams to find. Without me, 100% me, my full happy self confident and secure - that dream will diminish. This time is for you, dear, for you.

 

I haven't let any of this out. So I am really uncorking all of this pent up anger, sadness, and pain and trying to take a very hard look at the changes I need to make.

 

The beginning is one of the hardest parts. It is where you truly begin to open the box, let down the walls and reveal yourself to the world. It is where your true heart is open to hurt again as you begin to unravel all the pain, anguish, torment and heartbreak you feel. I found that once I let that wall down, a lot of good came. Once I allowed somone, trusted someone into my own little world I was able to see again with a rational head. And by someone I mean my counselor. Honestly my friends are awesome. 100% amazing. But they were too close. I needed someone who was completely impartial that's why I chose counseling. It provided me an impartial view on a messed up thought process for me.

 

Continue with your counseling and please consider other alternate methods of in-depth counseling. You are already breaking that wall down a little bit with opening up here - continue on with it. Your life, your strength is awaiting your response.

[swtsmr93]

Willow this is invaluable to me. It's specific and not over my head and it comes from someone that went through loss and came out obviously well.

 

I am not sure what you mean by alternate methods of in-depth counseling. Are you referring to support group of some type?

[willow2900]

I am not sure what you mean by alternate methods of in-depth counseling. Are you referring to support group of some type?

 

Well I am not quite sure what is out there for you, but I was just thinking that regular counseling is usually one day a week, or one day every two weeks. You have a lot of issues that I think you would like to work out and maybe investigating a more in-depth counseling method might be supportive and efficient for you. That could include support groups but maybe ask your counselor of there are treatment facilities to help you out here. Maybe even one you could go to for daily sessions or what have you. I am not sure, and it is just an idea. I think that since there are a lot of levels and issues that you need to work through I could see one day a week taking a long time to work them out.

 

But again, you know yourself best and you know what is available to you and what is able to work with you with job/finances etc. Just something to think about. I think you do have the desire to work through this, or else you wouldn't have come seeking help here on ENA. I know that I will continue to do so! I have been through issues of my own and will continue to face them in the future! I have found this to be a supportive group even if the responses are challenging you to make you think and re-evaluate your situation.

[swtsmr93]

Thank you. Very simple and I am very greatful for responding to me as I just have not been able to let this all out. I get caught up in the fear of looking like I cannot be fixed or that I am the strangest one people have met. Maybe I am but at least here I am not looking at somone!!

 

I see the therapist 1ce a week and that is definitely not enough. I will ask her for other things to augment.

 

I have been struggling with leaving the house at all--have all groceries delivered, etc.--and really only leave to go to therapy because seeing others that appear to function so well just makes me more ashamed that I can't get it together.

 

I know that people aren't always as they appear--but I'm at the point I don't care because at least they are living and doing.

 

I am also afraid of revealing myself in a group setting. But I have to weigh that against my desire to get past the patterns(not the first time I am not the one chosen--major hang up for me)and manage this pain.

 

I have at least--as odd as it sounds--started crying. His marriage confirms it really was me and it's pushed away my final resistance to dealing with things.

 

What is your perspective on this: why do you think that some people can just jump from one event to the other without any pain and create a happy life and others are forced into cultivating a deeper understanding of things? I'm not just thinking of him. We tell ourselves and are told it's because it's suppose to be about depth and getting to a more meaningful experience in life. Right now, I'll take superficial thank you very much!

[willow2900]

What is your perspective on this: why do you think that some people can just jump from one event to the other without any pain and create a happy life and others are forced into cultivating a deeper understanding of things? I'm not just thinking of him. We tell ourselves and are told it's because it's suppose to be about depth and getting to a more meaningful experience in life. Right now, I'll take superficial thank you very much!

 

Well my take on that is (and let it be known that this is just my humble opinion) pretty simple. They aren't dealing with it. Period. They push it away, choose not to acknowledge it and life a supposed "happy life."

 

My belief is that they will encounter the same problems in the past yet again. I believe that if you do not deal with the issues and problems in yourself and your life that you will continue to make the same mistakes until you deal with them.

 

Can you go on, push everything aside and live superficially happy? Sure you can. But you will never, ever be truly happy. Never, ever be truly satisfied. And you will continue to have all those problems bubbling up at you, proding at you until you work through them.

 

I know that superficial happiness is like a drug right now - it seems so good and an easy fix. But long term, it's the house on a solid foundation that stands rather than one built on sand.

[swtsmr93]

Ok. I believe that you are right.

 

I haven't dealt with patterns either and that's why I am back in this situation of believing without a shadow of a doubt I would have been the one he chose.

 

The exception of all of this is my daughter.

 

Have you ever struggled with focusing on you being too painful? I don't know if that makes sense but the concept of doing the whole self care route sends me into a panic because I don't know if I can shut off what opens up.

 

I feel guilty that I keep asking you questions! Please know that the time you take to answer these are providing exceptional insight.

[willow2900]

Have you ever struggled with focusing on you being too painful?

 

Oh yes! I put off for a long time, pushed aside all the hurt and pain, the entire time thinking I was above seeking professional help, let alone non-professional help (ie. friends, ENA, family...) It kept coming back. The same issues kept invading my life until I finally 1) acknowledged them and 2) began to deal with them and move my life forward. Keeping in that pattern is very self-destructive, actually, extremely self-destructive because it's a cycle that you create and only truly you alone can pull yourself out of.

 

the whole self care route sends me into a panic because I don't know if I can shut off what opens up.

 

That's kind of the point my dear!! You need to get this stuff out. You will feel better even just letting it off of your chest. This is too much for you to undertake on your own in my opinion so that is why I am urging you to seek professional help.

 

Humans are afraid of the unknown. And in the face of that unknown people react in different ways. Some become defiant, angry and abusive. Some retreat and hide and diminish themselves. Both are natural reactions and can be overcome. Hold your head and face your challenges and personal issues directly and in a straight forward manor. Accept the fear of the unknown because it is fleeting - once you've begun the process of healing that fear diminishes exponentially.

 

I feel guilty that I keep asking you questions! Please know that the time you take to answer these are providing exceptional insight.

 

Do not feel guilty for that!! If only you knew how many questions I have asked others, especially on this forum! Feel free to ask all the questions you like. I enjoy not only providing the answers but reading the many responses of others. Thanks for your compliments!

[swtsmr93]

I get so sick of all of this and me. I am having a really rough weekend.

 

The feelings are so strong and exactly what I have been working so hard to avoid.

 

I am starting to get angry. Really angry. I know this is suppose to be one of the stages of grief but I am almost more afraid of the anger.

 

I want to tell his wife all about him. I want to send her the pictures and videos having sex with men and all of his emails that he wants to be a woman.

 

I took it so seriously that he trusted me to tell me about all of him. And knowing the shame he felt I know this would hurt him.

 

I want her to know about Sydney.

 

I am assuming she doesn't know about any of it and she might and just not care.

 

I cannot imagine anything much more mean than to out someone when they dreaded that most.

 

On the other hand, I'm sort of mad at myself that I don't stand up and say hey you--I've got something to say!

 

I have Sydney too intertwined with him and I know I have to unravel that. But right now I also know the fact that I thinking, crying, and typing about Sydney is a huge improvement and I have to take it one step at a time.

 

I am going to start seeing my therapist twice a week and she is looking for some other activities--probably not groups--that would be helpful.

 

My loneliness is very much self imposed as I don't want to be around people so this is one of those outlets that's pretty important to me right now.

[friscodj]

For all of the hurt and all of the anger, I wanted him to come back. Instead, I just found out he married this woman about 6 months after he left.

 

I miss our little girl and him and just cannot stop crying right now. I wasn't good enough!

 

Hey swtsmr93-

 

OK, let me spell this out to you as directly and simply as I can:

 

1) You met a guy online 3.5 years ago, spent sporadic time with him, and from this, thought he was "the one", without regular physical contact.

 

2) Turns out "the one" is a complete weirdo/freak, likes 3 ways with guys, wearing diapers, collects the urine of other men in shot glasses, and God knows what else. Then he decides he wants to be a woman. If this guy is this twisted in areas like this, what other ways is he twisted?

 

3) During the courtship, he takes you out once, never hang out at his place, no introduction to his friends. Doesn't this seem suspicious to you? Would you do this to someone you thought was the one?

 

4) You are pregnant by him and the baby is stillborn.

 

5) You want him back, you miss him, can't stop crying, very confused.

 

What would you say if someone else posted this?

 

In a nutshell, my take is this guy is a complete disaster, is completely not for you, I pity whoever gets involved with him in the future, and you should definitely continue counseling to help you get past him completely.

 

The situation with your pregnancy brought upon by your relationship with him and the loss of your child is huge. There are deep, deep, deep psychological mechanisms there which are tying you to him through that whole situation. Your therapist can much better delve into and explore those with you. That is huge.

 

In emotional crisis situations like this, you need to first get a handle on the facts and the underlying reality of the situation beyond your feelings. You need to separate your feelings from your action here. Feel whatever you want however you want, but let your head do the driving here.

 

Clearly, you know you need out of this situation completely but the grief generated by the separation from it is drawing you back to it, as a defense mechanism to stop the grief. Your mind is creating the illusion that since you are suffering so much right now because of the split, undoing the split won't make you suffer anymore. That is a reaction based on natural urges to avoid pain but here, you have to face it and deal with it. You can do that and there is no need to be afraid of this natural process. You are still you beneath this pain and this pain is not permanent.

 

Kick, scream, cry, yell, call this every name in the book. Just do it away from him. Embrace these feelings, expect them to be completely overwhelming and find peace with them. It is OK to feel the way you are, normal actually. But you've got to stay away from this guy forever. There is no healthy benefit of ever talking to this guy again. The ground you can gain and the positivity you can take away from this situation is in the learning experience. Why are you investing so much into this guy, why did you fall so hard for him when you didn't know him and continue to do so in light of his perversions? Those are questions you, your therapist, and perhaps a group session in addition to your one-on-one session can figure out.

 

At any rate, you can only suffer like this for so long. Eventually, you will get tired and simply not suffer as much. The after-effects of this suffering will be your biggest challenge to overcome and I believe you can overcome them if you want to and choose to. A great way of doing that is by getting your attitude back-on-track by bringing some positivity and happiness to your life. What are your passions in life? What are ideas for passions? What have you always wanted to do but never did or never did enough of?

 

Also, therapy helps but only goes so far, and does not preclude you from putting forth the effort to "do" here. You need to take the reigns of your life and go get the happiness you seek. Do you want to be happy? Then go be happy, find your happiness somewhere. This situation may have provided the best motivation to do so and in that sense it was positive. You said you weren't happy with your life before this relationship and maybe this experience served the bigger purpose to motivate you to find that happiness with which to share with someone else vs. making them the source of it or viewing them or a relationship as a saving grace.

 

Alas, I see a lot of people who simply don't want to be happy and I hope this isn't the case with you. People get so familiar and comfortable in such familiarity with being unhappy, it's all they know. And change from this norm seems "wrong" and doesn't feel "right". They get stuck in comfort zones like this. I hope this isn't the case with you. You can beat your unhappiness and unfulfillment if you want to. This might be something to ask your therapist about too.

[swtsmr93]

Between you and Willow I am going to be "better" in no time I know that's not realistic and sarcasm doesn't translate well. In all seriousness, the straight forward is exactly what I need.

 

You said it all. I made every excuse and took everything because I wanted to "keep it casual." and I thought the key to him was not to push. The daily phone calls, emails, texts became far too important to me and I felt important that someone of his stature was interested in me.

 

I want more than anything to truly get my patterns and the pain under control. Of all of the therapy I have had in groups, etc. there are so many that do not and I know exactly what you are talking about. It's the safe place to be and easier in a lot of ways.

 

Typically I move onto the next drama. But this one is different.

 

I am stepping up to my plate and directing the focus onto Sydney and how to deal with this.

 

Finding the happiness is the fear that I am fighting. I was so scared as Sydney was completely unexpected. And then I lost her. So I am afraid to find the happiness that I want to find.

 

Thank you for your very thoughtful post that I am printing off!

[swtsmr93]

Alright. I am really really struggling and grasping at anything I can right now to try to work out some of this pain before doing something really stupid-again other posts in other areas.

 

I'm trying to be somewhat rationale and think in terms of the man that wouldn't speak to me after I told him I was pregnant, threatened me through attorneys, accuse me of lying about it even though I begged him to come to appointments, ultrasounds, etc.(I was emailing him txting him and truly begging to make a bigger fool of myself)and finally told his attorneys to schedule an appointment for a Dr. of their choice and I would go. That stopped the letters saying I was lying.

I emailed him for the very last time last October and copied these attorneys to tell them about our daughter and made the offer he could see her if he chose alone. Not one word of response except from the 1 attorney with whom I actually spoke and he sounded genuinely disgusted that he had not heard from the former "SO" and there were no more legal issues to discuss.

 

I don't consider this a normal reaction.

 

The part I'm having a rough time with is that I think that he was very confused, scared, and desperately wanted to make his life look normal. I cannot blame anyone for that because I want people to accept me and my flaws with the same feelings and thoughts.

 

I think he genuinely wanted to do all of the things we did. And that is part of the more true picture of himself.

 

I want him to be the bad, awful guy who I can think will never be happy. That's just not realistic.

 

He now has the life that looks good to the public and I am going to bet that he is very satisfied with that. I know just enough of him that he is pretty determined and if he set his mind to put it all behind him he probably did.

 

I know that I am the one to make the changes and nothing I say or do and likely would have said or done differently would have changed the outcome.

 

I also know that some people come out "ahead" and others do not. I cannot take any comfort in the thought that he isn't unhappy when I now feel in my heart he is very happy. Even I feel like I can't begrudge him that. And as much as I need and want him to be evil and awful, it's not going to impact his present or future.

 

So my pain on a holiday weekend is magnified because I have been torturing myself with thoughts of them spending a wonderful family weekend. While I am with my family, I am an utter wreck still.

 

I do not know if I can frame up this up in a manner that I can manager. Shame is a major factor here that I let myself do things I didn't want to do and get attached to someone so unattached to me.

 

I apologize for the long and rambling post.