smackie9

I think you deserve better....nothing wrong with starting over, self discovery, and independence. Life is too short to keep being unfulfilled.  Once you get out of this environment you will have time to reflect and really see how bad things really are/were. 

I'm glad you are getting help....hang in there, the storm will soon end. You are a survivor. 

Hmmm I see things differently. I saw him as taking advantage of you when you weren't even on a real date. I think his motives are not what you think. He may just want to get you in the sack and nothing more so be careful what you wish for. 

Most of the time they wouldn't believe you because you are an outsider. Their heart is on their husband's side...they will believe him more than you. 

Maybe just be friends so the both are you are free to date others. That would take away any commitment on your end. 

She wasn't really there to explain things...she was on a fishing expedition. Block/delete/ go no contact. 

You are right, you and many women should just have "gentleman friends" and not someone that's going to live with you, possible marriage/take over your solitude. These things should have been discussed at the beginning....your expectations. If they were discussed, he's not following that. You should just cut him loose. You are not compatible. Sure his lack of having a life is not your concern, but that's not fair to him. 

Next time maybe be a little more honest. Don't leave the door open with "I am too busy atm" BUT that shouldn't matter IMO. You turned down his advances regardless of your excuse. He's an adult, he has to figure this out on his own. 

Great advice from everyone else. State your position with him and set professional boundaries. And giving him a gift of appreciation is not leading him on if it was for something in particular. How he feels about you, is his own problem to deal with, not yours. 

You are obviously not ready to date if you can't get a handle on your anxiety. Maybe try just going out with other girls that don't intimidate you. Getting all worked up, and putting girls on a pedestal is the worst thing you can do.

You can watch porn, use a toy, fantasize about other people....doesn't matter. Whatever you do in your personal sexual time is nobody's business.

You need a self check. Why do you insist on clawing your way to keep this thing alive when he is obviously not in it to win it.

I agree, when you have a doctor who behaves unprofessionally flirting with patients, the drug thing would just be a part of his poor behavior. He's bad news, unethical, and a slimly dog. 

On 2/18/2024 at 1:30 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I would strongly advise you look into therapy/counseling to help you with grief, guilt and lying etc.

This 100%^^^. Before you cower with guilt or dump this on your husband, it would be best to get your thoughts and feelings together to make a clearer decision on how you will approach this. 

Remember what you just said "I don't know why my parents stayed together." Why are you staying with your husband when you have such resentment and it's killing you even more when you internalize your feelings about it. If you can't forgive him, leave him. Simple as that.

And another thing...if your mom is still alive, you might feel it therapeutic to let her know how her behavior and her life decisions affected you. Even if she dismisses it, at least you had your moment to let her know. 

You still feel there's unfinished business as to why it happened. That's why his gaming is still triggering you. I think you need to go over with him on why it led up to this emotional affair...something must have happened that would lead him away like that, it could be as simple as not feeling desired or life feels like it in a rut, etc. As you discuss it, those little things will pop up and start to make sense....getting more knowledge on it will ease the hurt and paranoia. It will give you more confidence that this thing is resolved. 

You need to pull her aside and ask her for yourself. Just tell her whatever truth she wants say, you will accept it and move on. 

We don't know her, so really we can't judge. This is up to you in how you want to deal with this. maybe spend some time apart to think, then regroup and talk more about not what happened, but be let it be more about feelings, emotions, why it let up to that. Some times it goes deeper/further back than one night at a party. 

I'm married but not a therapist, but I do see your issues. You can't expect change in an instant. You need to pick small goals and do them one at a time, whether it be some self improvement, or a simple adjustment request of your husband.

Acting out is your number one issue that should be addressed first. Cut out the drama. You don't sleep on the damn floor crying. This will affect the whole household. Your kids hear it and feel it no matter what you think. It proves nothing to your husband except you acting out like a child. You are a big girl now. If it can't possibly be resolved you just go find a different place in the house to sleep, like the sofa or guest room. Next, don't have discussions before bed. You do it when you both can have time to sit and talk like after dinner or on the weekend when there is one on one time. Make room for compromises. If you don't get your way, make a compromise that you both can accept...bend a little. Remove the tunnel vision. Don't pinpoint and stew over something that is bothering you. You don't have a clear mind, you won't be able to discuss things reasonably. Fights will ensue every time if you are not calm, and have your thought and feelings in check. 

Any man who treats you like that, needs to be sent off out into the street. Complete jerk. Girl you are so much better off with this guy. Enjoy your freedom and live life the way you want to. Don't go back to this guy please. 

Those excuses are not what is stopping him from commitment. He just doesn't want it. He's interested in getting between the sheets with you and nothing more. 

Men don't like handle situations like this...in fact they would do the easiest thing and for him it was to take over the mortgage instead of dealing with the real issue...the very reason why they are in such debt. He should sign himself up to be executor of their estate, and take full charge of their money, and other needs. Get his mother into therapy for her OCD. He seriously needs to address this. His mother's illness is the root of all of this. Switching houses is not the cure. 

Calm down! You are not BF/GF so you are not a priority to him on that level. Your expectations are too high. 

So if she can get government support because he no longer lives there, and he keeps paying fully for everything like he is living there.....doesn't that say scam to you? That she will be collecting all this money? And that they are still married? He will be entitled to it too....plus he can claim this support on his taxes and get money back.

3 minutes ago, Noname84 said:

Marriage! Jeez he won’t even get divorced!

Then why are you even with him.....there is no future with this guy. Send him back to his ex. And yes he is gaslighting you. Get him legally removed from your house.

I would end this relationship...that's just me tho. He's using you IMO.