smackie9

Your friends and family are right... please accept their judgment. It's your feelings that are confusing you and making you blind to the obvious. When someone is really interested in you they don't ghost you for months. This guy is wasting your time. My advice, date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated.

Totally friends zoned. 

Well you had it in your head that since he was staying there must be something still there that's fair enough. It's normal to feel jealous/upset because your life is forever changed. You just lost your security/family unit/familiarity so ya it would be a bit of a shock to the system.

The reality is, you turned a blind eye to what would happen eventually. He's moved on, and you foolishly didn't prepare for it.

IMO him saying it might have made a difference if you said something is horse manure. He's just pushing this back on you. He's the one that ended it, and he knew you wanted him back. So if indeed there was a change of heart he would have made that move.

Life will be harder at first, feeling dejected, but you have a responsibility to yourself to make your life better for you and your son. You will eventually find much happiness down the road. Don't let this eat at you, you needed this kick to the pants to really start living/enjoying life.

I agree you don't make excuses. Take full responsibility for your actions and admit you made really bad choices. That you will accept all consequences of the outcome of this conversation. Make sure she knows that this had nothing to do with her or your relationship to cause your decisions that night....tell her in no way you could ever forgive yourself for what you have done to her. Apologize for it and then take your lumps.

Your ex is a real peach. He blames you? Why didn't he step up and get you help? Instead his choice was to leave you, have unprotected sex with some floozy at a bar, get her pregnant and continue to see the both of you, filling the both of you with his BS. He doesn't want to make this work. He just wants to make sure he can see the kids, and not stir up a bees nest with the new GF. His behaviour is not what you would call a loving supportive husband. This is something you need to unpack with a therapist asap. Once you get you head more clearer, get a lawyer and finish this.

We can poke a stick at what is going through his mind all day....still won't get any real answers on that. Lets focus on you. You knew what this was going in. Unfortunately he's used to women falling for him. He knows what to do and say to have women swooning over him regardless of what he tells them of what truly is/how he feels about relationships. He just locked you in because you were a perfect set up for his use. Getting the GF experience without strings attached. But we are all human with feelings and emotions. Your emotions got the better of you. It's a natural progression. It happens to everyone but don't dwell on this too long. Grieve your loss, heal, and go forward.

That's gaslighting...a form of manipulation/abuse. There's no way to stop him from doing that. It's how he is.

Breakup with your friend. If you have out grown his shenanigans, then you have out grown the friendship. I myself have walked away from friends, or social groups when I felt I had out grown them/no longer fit in my life. There is nothing written anywhere you have to keep your friendships forever. 

What's stopping you from facetiming with them every night? or visit once a month? If you can work remotely, why not spend a week with them? 

The relationship should be over simple as that. You don't need our advice here. We all had to make the choice to end it when our expectations are no longer being met. It's a no brainer. 

A man knows what he wants and goes after it. He would make it known to you he is interested, be flirtatious, confess etc. I think you are chasing the ghost of crushes past. 

That's what a therapist would have recommended, because not everyone communicates in the same manner. Peoples perspectives/ POV is so varied it's easy to get the wrong impression/message that's coming to them. Now that she sees where things need to change, she should receive some counseling on how to approach her husband when bringing up concerns/issues. 

He lies because he's has low self worth/ is very insecure. The lying is a way he copes with anxiety. Make note, not everyone who suffers from anxiety outwardly expresses the behavior. I feel he has never been able to normally deal with these feelings as a kid. Could also be associated with a type of OCD. He just can't help himself. 

Maybe these women haven't had much luck and wonder if it's because of they are talking too much, making it a big turn off. 

51 minutes ago, Johnlion91 said:

Any tips on this? I have started to feel more confident with her lately so it's something in progress.

 tell her what you want and demand it.

You are not listening to her...she wants a man to be a man...confident, strong, expressive. She wants you to take a hard lead on this. She's done enough nursing you along. If your are not assertive in you actions, she's going to keep waffling. 

Grow a set, tell her what you want and demand it. if it doesn't pan out kick her to the curb because you ain't gettin what you want just hanging around. 

IMO she's not being very straight forward. Time to have that heart wrenching conversation, that you know she's not on board with having a child with you and you have made the decision to move on. 

On 3/11/2024 at 12:36 PM, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

I get it he wants space, but to cut you off and leaving you wondering what's going is not right. The issue is communication, so why not keep communicating even tho he's somewhere else? Nothing wrong with creating a life outside the relationship if that's what he is suggesting. He has to realize that you still need support, encouragement, to lift you up instead of leaving you in the dust. 

Sorry but you need to send your fiancé to the curb. Marriage is a serious step and parents are part of the package deal right? So if she can't cherish your parents like you do, and accept your relationship with them, then it's been over since the summer. It's been 8 months now of this fighting?? this relationship is done. 

He is totally isolating her...at this point she's probably living in fear of him. I have a feeling she tried to dump him, and he's pinned her down hard. Threats, threat of killing himself, threat of hurting her or her family or even you. She's in danger. I agree you should give the heads up with her family.

Why argue about it. You both expect different things...cut her loose. When you make such arrangements, there should be a getting out rule, that if someone doesn't want to follow the rules anymore, then it's over. Time to move on. 

24 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

Time to himself, is unacceptable. Any relationship that needs work should be quality time together, getting counseling, communicating with small breaks in between to do things on your own time like going to the gym, hang out with friends, stay home and binge watch movies etc. But going on for days without a peep with you sitting there wondering....no, that won't work. 

Here's what you do...you say, since you do 90% of the work, he can spend 30% or more towards the monthly budget to make up for your portion of the chores. Calculate for him how much it would cost to hire someone to do what you do, like what a laundromat would charge per load of laundry/folded, what it would cost to have groceries delivered ( IMO you should start doing this anyways or order online and he can pickup), and what it would cost to have a housekeeper. Hopefully that will make your point. You can start out doing things things together, like make him go with you shopping, and hand the groceries to him and direct him. Hand him the vacuum and you dust. etc

If he wants to take things slow and "work" on things, then hold him up to it...in the mean time no sex, because I have a feeling all he is doing is giving you lip service in order to get release. So put that on hold. He has a hand he can take care of himself. If he is serious enough, he will be willing to do anything to focus on the issues and strongly work through it for the sake of saving your relationship. If you think that's too far fetched then you best be booting him to the curb and move on. 

You guys sound young, how old are you? Having a friend tag along sounds immature to me.