smackie9

On 3/11/2024 at 12:36 PM, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

I get it he wants space, but to cut you off and leaving you wondering what's going is not right. The issue is communication, so why not keep communicating even tho he's somewhere else? Nothing wrong with creating a life outside the relationship if that's what he is suggesting. He has to realize that you still need support, encouragement, to lift you up instead of leaving you in the dust. 

Sorry but you need to send your fiancé to the curb. Marriage is a serious step and parents are part of the package deal right? So if she can't cherish your parents like you do, and accept your relationship with them, then it's been over since the summer. It's been 8 months now of this fighting?? this relationship is done. 

He is totally isolating her...at this point she's probably living in fear of him. I have a feeling she tried to dump him, and he's pinned her down hard. Threats, threat of killing himself, threat of hurting her or her family or even you. She's in danger. I agree you should give the heads up with her family.

Why argue about it. You both expect different things...cut her loose. When you make such arrangements, there should be a getting out rule, that if someone doesn't want to follow the rules anymore, then it's over. Time to move on. 

24 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

Time to himself, is unacceptable. Any relationship that needs work should be quality time together, getting counseling, communicating with small breaks in between to do things on your own time like going to the gym, hang out with friends, stay home and binge watch movies etc. But going on for days without a peep with you sitting there wondering....no, that won't work. 

Here's what you do...you say, since you do 90% of the work, he can spend 30% or more towards the monthly budget to make up for your portion of the chores. Calculate for him how much it would cost to hire someone to do what you do, like what a laundromat would charge per load of laundry/folded, what it would cost to have groceries delivered ( IMO you should start doing this anyways or order online and he can pickup), and what it would cost to have a housekeeper. Hopefully that will make your point. You can start out doing things things together, like make him go with you shopping, and hand the groceries to him and direct him. Hand him the vacuum and you dust. etc

If he wants to take things slow and "work" on things, then hold him up to it...in the mean time no sex, because I have a feeling all he is doing is giving you lip service in order to get release. So put that on hold. He has a hand he can take care of himself. If he is serious enough, he will be willing to do anything to focus on the issues and strongly work through it for the sake of saving your relationship. If you think that's too far fetched then you best be booting him to the curb and move on. 

You guys sound young, how old are you? Having a friend tag along sounds immature to me. 

It's a modern age where SM is simply part of everyday life for the majority... those who don't, will find prejudice. It's just the way life is. Ignore it and go forward. 

So why stay? What is it that stops you from finding someone more to your expectations? You feel this is the best you can do? Afraid of change? Being without someone? You seem pretty independent/self sufficient...so what are you actually getting out of this? You keep going around in circles here, dodging in and out of all the advice given. What is it you are looking for?

Men are hunters, women are gatherers. Women take the time to gather information, and like to put details into things...men it's a quick look at a photo, and simple "Hi" to see what sticks.

Too bad he's just so far away. The only way I can see curing your curiosity is to make a trip of it with a friend, and meet up with him casually. See where it takes you. Nothing wrong with casual right? You only live once.

2 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

Well now when you asked I actually realized I did not, I thought it’s way too obvious that I want to. From another hand he does not read my mind. Well he works remotely in Canada and I’m in Portugal, so as for me 300-400€ one way ticket is not a dealbreaker, plus half of Canadian and US graphics designers live in Lisbon now🤣

Ya because they(Canadians) don't want to pay $16 for a block of cheese!

100% cheating. All those things should be reserved for you....dinners, walks, flirting. That's dating/having an affair...it's still sexual and intimate. 

Why the hell would you invest in/be with someone that has a track record like hers? She's a serial cheater. 

You did the right thing by cutting him off. You are right it got to a point that it was pointless unless he was interested in relocating to continue the relationship. It was a waste of time. You know what you want and what you need...he wasn't willing to fulfill that so yes it was best to let him go. 

On 12/26/2023 at 1:50 PM, jul-els said:

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search. 

^^This is the worst thing. They are not on the app to make friends, so offering the friends card bad. Cut them off, go no contact. Tell them you want to move on, and wish them luck. 

OP I hope you are feeling better and have moved forward. You did the right thing btw. Whatever his deal was, it didn't feel right. 

Have you facetimed with this guy at all? This sounds like you are being catfished. 

You are going to uni....you don't need a relationship...have experiences....go out have fun fool around, but don't invest your feelings in anyone so no broken heart can happen. Saying OK sure to a date doesn't mean you are obligated in anyway to reciprocate feelings or interest. Just have fun. 

Then do something about it. A good outward appearance builds confidence, and shows confidence. Women want a man that can take care of himself, and is self sufficient. A man that takes good care of himself, physically and financially. No different than what men expect in a woman...it goes both ways right? 

I don't think he will change as much as you need. If he's pretty much always like this, then it's not worth about say 4 years to work on it to get very little results. 

14 minutes ago, Belle2024 said:

Yes you have valid points for sure and I understand. He actually asked and suggested counselling after I told him I can’t be with him anymore due to the lack of emotional and physical connection. I’m going to think about it. I have a hard time taking him serious because he will sometimes admit what he does is hurtful and acknowledge he needs to change, but for years of just acknowledging something and never actually changing, I am feeling pretty frustrated and hopeless. 

Thanks for the insight and advice. I appreciate it ❤️

 

Now are those words to pacify you because you make HIS life easier and HE would be F&*^%$ if you left? Or does he really love you and wants to change to make your life better? As they say, actions or lack there of, speak louder than words

A little aloofness can go a long way. To be desirable is to be a little less available here and there. Be more spontaneous. Verbal appreciation/compliment would be a nice change. Predictability gets boring. 

maybe this can help:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

People end relationships/marriages everyday. Her/your family, even your child (who won't remember much about this anyways) will adjust to a different arrangement. You are a grown a$$ adult. You can do whatever you need/want to do. Everyone will get over it.