davedadude

Day 21(ish) So I haven't posted here in a few weeks. I kind of felt the need to stop coming here after spending a little more time with friends. I also felt like in a way, being here held me back and kept my mind on her. Anyway, these past few days have been hard so I thought it'd help to get it all out of me like before. I haven't talked to her in a few weeks. I sent her a message after my weekend at a friends house with a little video of cats on my bed I knew she'd appreciate and some light chat about what was going on in my mates life. After a text or two she asked if I was okay doing this (texting her). I know I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but I just really needed to talk to her. I told her that, and that I really really missed her and how hard it was driving past the turning to her town when I drove home from London. I said I think I needed more time to figure things out and that I wouldn't talk again for a while, she never replied after that. I've started waking up feeling like I've been kicked in the chest again. I've been letting myself stalk her online again. I check her Tumblr and see good and bad things, I see FB and see only bad. I see that she's added 2 new guys, it's probably nothing but it still shocks me inside. Even seeing her comment on a mutual friends status in a happy way hurts. It's like a part of me wants her to be as miserable as I am. I know she is suffering too though, I need to remind myself of that. This wasn't easy on her either, if anything she was the one more in love (she says). I went through the oldest FB photos and videos and found one from my first year at Uni when me and my mates were messing around. She appears briefly in the video and I just think of how I had no idea how important she was going to become to me. I practically ignored her in those days. I've also been playing a lot of two new games I know she'd have loved to watch me/join me in playing. I want to share these things with her, it's so frustrating. Last night in a moment of weakness I listened to our song. Stupid idea. I cried for the first time in weeks and realised it's actually a month to the day since we split. The lyrics hurt so much, all I could think of were the times laying in bed listening to this song 2 years ago, all the happy memories came back. All the dreams of our future and this being the song at our wedding really hit me hard. I know it's only been a month, but I need this girl in my life. I just can't do this. I think I'm getting better, then the pain attacks me again and there's nothing I can do about it. A friend of mine who was helping me through this time also just broke up with her BF yesterday, so now I'm the one trying to give support!

Witnessed another story just this past weekend. My best mate from Uni had a GF for the first few months of Uni. They'd been together 2.5 years and seemed like a pretty sweet couple. One day out of the blue he told me they broke up. Arguments, stress, distance, he couldn't deal with her anymore, wasn't feeling it anymore. He cut her out of his life COMPLETELY after the split and never talked of her again during my 3 years with him at Uni. Fast forward to this weekend and she calls him up drunk one of the nights. She comes round and we get chatting, it turns out they're casually 'seeing' (sexing ) each other again. It was a massive shock to my mate, when she initiated contact and said she'd like to meet a few weeks back he was a WRECK, could barely eat or anything, didn't know what to do with himself the entire week leading up to seeing her. I guess the emotions he suppressed after the breakup re-emerged. They had a nice dinner and have been spending time together since with no labels. She told me that she was heartbroken when they broke up and quickly found another BF who she had another 2.5 year relationship with, but that the new guy treated her like **** so she left him. She realised that she still loves my mate and being back home after Uni made it easy to get back in touch. They're both taking it slow but they both know what it's probably leading to again, though they're both scared of the other not committing. I told my mate to man up! She is into him, he is into her. Stop faffing around! So yeah, 2.5 year relationship, split for 3.5 years, then looking likely they'll be back together officially as a couple in the near future. Sweet couple, I wish them the best!

Day 7 I've missed out a few days as I spent the weekend and Monday at a Uni friends house, time to escape and get away a bit, feel social again. I had quite a good time! Felt a little awkward and moody at first, especially around his 6-7 mates that I don't know at all who are TOTALLY different to me. But once the drinks got flowing it was a good time! Had a massive BBQ, a little food fight and even a bit of boxing! I remembered what it felt like to laugh and be happy again It came crashing down from time to time, especially at night and the mornings, but I tried to keep occupied. My mate has actually just started getting in contact with his ex from 3 years ago, seems like they're reconciliating hard! Nice to see, but hurt me to see them all lovey dovey with each other, I really, really miss that. Was very close to texting her again but instead O just wrote the text then deleted it. No need. I spoke for a good while with my mates new/old girl and she was really nice to me, gave me some helpful advice from a girls perspective, especially emphasising the need for TIME APART. She ended up in a 2 year rebound relationship that ended badly and quickly saw what she had before and made a friendly move to have dinner. Spent a lot of time with cats and in my mates sister's bed (she's in Australia atm), it felt pretty horrible being in big, cushy bed much like my exes and to not have someone to cuddle up to. Watched a film that made me feel a little better (I give it a Year) and slept. Had a nasty dream about her, nothing bad happened, I'm pretty sure we were still together in the dream, but it's like I can't get a moment free in my head. Spent today driving round doing deliveries with my mate in his van, had some really good chats, we opened up pretty hardcore! Was really good seeing him again. Drove home (2+ hour drive!) and had to drive past the turning I used to use to go see her. That also hurt very badly. I took a video of my mates cats being cute while there and (sigh) sent it to her this evening. Didn't mention anything weird, just told her I thought she'd appreciate it, she replied and seemed happy enough but took no interest in me or my weekend. I replied saying my mate said hi and that I hope she had a good weekend. Not expecting a reply. I'm silly Will continue with NC. Feeling pretty down tonight, really ill too. Ugh. Need to stay awake to watch the PS4 E3 Conference at 2am too!

Day 5 I'm not counting yesterday as a reset. She contacted me and I replied rationally without falling into any traps. I took my time and ended the note on a totally positive, totally relationship-unrelated note, talking about mutual friends and other weird stuff that had been going on. I don't expect a reply and I'm not killing myself re-reading every little word of her message to find meanings that aren't there. As I thought I woke up in massive pain though. But like yesterday, I pushed myself to get up sooner and stop moping. I felt enough of an appetite to properly eat breakfast again (aww yiss cookie crisp!) and carried on my day as best I could. I did a little work for website I maintain but spent the rest of the day browsing forums and watching videos. She was still on my mind throughout. I walked my dog as usual but didn't play in the garden much, the weather has been kinda sucky today. I cleaned out some draws a little and found some other stuff that she'd given me which was super painful, but I'm glad I found them as they're now hidden deep away with all the other stuff. I found an old hairband, a rock with a face she found in France, a sandwich box and 3 cards she'd made me. The cards hurt the worst, the just made me remember how much she truly did love me, how much I meant to her, and that I royally ****ed everything up and I've only got myself to blame. I punched my bed a few times, I needed a release. I tried to hide digital memories of her away too, I found an old memory card and was planning on putting all of our pictures, FB convos and whatever else on there and store it away. But I lost my SD card adapter! So I'll figure that out after the weekend. I've realised today that I became very dependant on her feedback. I absolutely loved it and still do, but I feel I've always lacked in my life someone to reassure me and push me and reward me, she filled that gap and it's tough not having someone there to tell what you did today. I know that sounds weird, I wasn't like a child to her, but she did fill that role as well and I miss it. I see that I need to stand on my own two feet a little more. I'm not saying I never need her, but I know I can be strong without her. People say you survived this far without them, which is fair to a degree. But I survived this far without any awareness of what love truly was. It's harder to move on knowing what you had, how it felt and that it's all gone. It's both a blessing and a curse to know what love really is. I felt quite happy at work, had some good banter with the other drivers, they make me happier. It's got to be the most multicultural workplace I've ever worked at. I'm English, but there's Scottish, Hungarian, German, Iranian and Iraqi people working there too. Mad! But it gives me a great sense of perspective and they all have really interesting input, it's nice to chat to them. I felt more sad as work ended and started really, deeply missing her again. I started seeing couple after couple and it drove me mad. I remembered it's Friday night and started to think about what she'd be up to, if she was out and about. I shut those thoughts off immediately. They'll do nothing but hurt me and it's all in my head anyway. There's nothing I can do about what she does now, I have my own life. I know she'd never maliciously hurt me by sleeping with guys, and I know she's traumatised by this whole thing too and wouldn't want to sleep around so soon. She will at some point, I have to accept that. I feel confident that it'll be a challenge for other guys to offer her what I did and she'll miss that, though I did help her grow her sexual ability and confidence a lot, and it hurts to know what she can offer to other guys now, stuff we learned together. Got home, showered and ate some stuff while watching Game of Thrones and Modern Family. Feel chilled and excited now, off to see my best Uni mate for the weekend tomorrow morning. Should be good! Forget to mention that I also went for a good run last night too. Only managed a mile but it was mainly uphill. You'd never guess from looking at me, but I'm massively unfit!

Day 4 Welp. Setback. Made contact (she initiated) but I replied. Does that count? More on that at the end.. Woke up in the same pain as every morning. Made sure I got up earlier today, but not before checking TimeHop, an app that shows you what you were doing on social networking sites on this day each year back. Oh man This time last year I posted a funny FB status about all of her fails that day, and the year prior I'd posted a nice picture of her sleeping saying 'mine Felt the need to get out of my room a lot more today so I played with the dog a lot. I wish dogs could talk. Had work as usual which was boring. However, near the end my phone buzzed. She had sent me a FB message which I hadn't expected. She basically just replied to the final message I sent her before NC saying Sorrys and Thank Yous, very amicable. She explained herself a little more and said how she felt. My heart dropped when she said she still feels like she made the right choice. She was super, super nice about in the message though, comforting any fears I had and re-assuring me that she doesn't hate or resent me at all and is thankful for 2 amazing years, and that it just doesn't feel right for her anymore and she wishes she'd said something about my neglect a lot sooner. I replied and kept it cool I think. I didn't beg or plead at all, just responded and tried to keep it as light as I could considering we were talking about our breakup. I told her how my week had been, what things I'd discovered, how I feel about her (not too soppy), that I was glad she feels a bit better now, what I'm up to this weekend and just reminding her that she'll always have a place in my heart and she can always come to me with anything. I did ask her about the loss of attraction as I'm interested in winning her back obviously, was it becoming lazy with my looks, was it just a natural thing or was it because I was emotionally distancing myself from her and she felt unwanted, unloved (most likely)? What I love about her is her honesty. She's not like a lot of dumpers on here that seem to play mind games and screw with your emotions, dragging you through the mud with no thought for your heart. She's not like that AT ALL. So real, so down to earth. It's why it hurts so much to lose her, she's ****ing perfect and I've ruined it all. Of course as soon I sent the message I started thinking about reconciliation in the future. Is it possible to fall back in love with somebody, especially if there were no turbulent troubles in the relationship like cheating or abuse, just LDR issues causing neglect, loss of intimacy and an emotional disconnect? Sure, why not. As long as I let her live a happy life and continue to feel out the breakup (we're only 2 weeks in) and I genuinely go ahead now, live life for myself and improve who I am. And even if I don't reconcile with her, she'll still be my best friend and hopefully somebody else even more amazing will come along. So I feel kind of at peace right now going to bed, though I'm suuuuure it'll all hit me really hard in the morning how truly over our relationship is. Glad I didn't send her that 'I really really miss you' picture an hour or so before she sent her message now, that would have made me feel a little stupid.

Day 3 Another weird day. After watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall last night I felt totally disconnected this morning. I didn't feel crushed, in pain. I didn't feel free or happy though either. Just a weird, numb state. I made a thread on it.. Got on with my day as usual after getting out of bed late, as usual. Need to change that. As the day passed my feelings came back, the pain returned. Last night I got in touch with a classmate from Uni who I know had a rough breakup/makeup during Uni and is now in a LDR with the same guy. I wanted a little friendly perspective on my story, as well as what happened to her, how she dealt with being apart etc. Despite not being the best of friends, we had a really good chat continuing at the moment about everything. Her story shares a weird amount of similarities to mine, especially with how our partners deal with LD compared to us. Eye opening stuff and good to know that this pain, this suffering is ok, and that even when you think they're over and done with you you are still in their minds almost all day. It's surprising the people you can reach out to who can offer really helpful support. Worked a little later this evening which was super boring, however I barely even browsed around here, normally I'm addicted! So I guess that means I'm standing on my own two feet a little more. Had a good laugh with the new guy at work too, he seems super nice and might even have some (real) job opportunities for me. Watched some Giant Bomb stuff this evening, was thinking about settling down with Forgetting Sarah Marshall again just to enjoy relating to the lead characters emotions in the first half of the film, but not sure if I want that numbing effect again? I haven't been as tempted to tell my ex I missed her today, though it was on my mind a lot and I did start to draft different ways to say it before scrapping them. Finalised my weekend off too, going to see my best Uni mate for a few days which will be a nice escape, I think I need it. Still really missing her, but feeling less negative at the moment overall. I did cave and check her Tumblr and FB again, she's so gorgeous...

Day 2 Ugh, another horrible morning. Woke up at 7am, but kept drifting between my phone and sleep until 1pm. Had the same horrible anxious feelings in the morning, and when I finally got up I felt really short on breath and was struggling to talk to my family. Didn't do much in the day, but thought about her the whole time. I miss her so much, and all I can think is she doesn't give a **** about me. I started to think about birthdays and Christmas and how I'd approach them now. I think I'll still send her a small gift, there's no reason to cut her out and be mean. I always want to be there for her. At Christmas I'll definitely send a gift for the family, just to say thanks for everything they ever did for me. I doubt she'll send me a gift though, probably just an awkward 'Happy Birthday on fb, ugh. Walked the dog, went to work, all the normal stuff. Pretty much addicted to these forums whenever I have a minute, keeps my mind occupied. Weird things are making me feel sad and lonely, even the music from my 3DS for some reason. I started thinking more about moving forward while I was bored at work, I definitely would like to head back to Uni for a teaching degree. It'll also allow me to get social with a new group which I'd love, and who knows who I might find? I very nearly sent her a drawn picture message on an app we used to use called Couple, just saying I miss you. I felt really, really close to doing it, what harm could it do? Like last night, I just started feeling so alone and sad. I went on her Tumblr, played the song she posted after her breakup and started scrolling back through her blog. It get's progressively happier as I get further back and that really hurt. I've made her sad and depressed by being the way I am and it's truly affected her life. I hate myself. I decided to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall tonight, I'll start it right after this is posted. As it was downloading though I stupidly decided to check her FB and of course, it hurt. She's not with any guys or anything, but she'd posted a bunch of pictures of her and a friend just messing in her room and she looked happy and so so gorgeous, which is great, but it makes me think she's not affected. She was even wearing the hat I bought her a few Christmases back, like it meant nothing. A boy who I think is interested in her friend in the pictures posted a comment on the album and my ex liked it. I know that means NOTHING, but for some reason it means everything. I checked him out and of course, he's like a better me. Similar basic stuff, skinny, dark long hair etc, but better looking and happy and more unique. Funnily enough my internet died right before I went to check FB, I should have taken that as a sign... I was seriously thinking about re-initiating contact again soon, maybe at the end of the week. Just friendly, non specific stuff. I can't stop thinking about how good friends we are and there's so much I want to constantly share. I just want to talk to her, to get that ball rolling. I read a getting back together story on here that sounded quite like mine, she thought her feelings had gone, thought of her bf as a friend, they split BUT stayed in contact and she later realised she did still love him. Gives me hope. Tomorrow I'm going to write out our entire relationship in a journal to get it out of my system and truly analyse every aspect. If she comes back in a few weeks/months and says we are truly over, I'm burning it to wash away any connections. Something to look forward to, and now I feel kind of angry! Night fellow sufferers, we can do this

Day 1 So the first proper day is over. I woke up feeling very anxious and worried like every morning since the BU. I know the best thing to do is get up and start doing stuff, but I wallowed in bed for 3-4 hours, reading hopeful stories on here to raise my mood. I haven't done much all day, it's my day off. I've kind of felt indifferent today, the anxiousness passed and I just feel numb and somewhat confident still that we can reconciliate, despite how unlikely that is. Saying that brings me crashing down again I walked my dog as I've been doing every day (typically my Mum does it) and that helps me get out and about, although I still think about her the entire time. Something happened that made me want to contact her too. I saw a 'face' on something ordinary, and whenever we'd see these we always texted each other. I just posted it to Instagram in the hope she'd see it that way, she is still following me I found it, though didn't interact with the photo, no like or comment. To be expected. My dog did a poo and the poo started rolling down the hill, I had to chase it to get it! Such a 'me' thing to happen and it'd make her so happy if I told her about it, but I can't! ARGH! I knew I needed to get out so I joined my mates again after a few weeks away to play some 6 a side football. Initially I felt good to be out, but something horrible quickly took over. I just felt like ****, and worthless. Surrounded by so many athletic, fun and happy guys made me so depressed. It made me feel **** about how I look, I'm not a man compared to these guys. All I could think of was any one of these idiots could be my GFs next BF, and that killed me. I felt incredibly alone, I ended up not even playing football. I just wanted it to be over so I could go home the entire time, despite knowing home just makes me sad as well. I felt very, very close to calling her and just telling her I missed her. That was all, I just want her to know I miss her. I need her back in my life so bad, I love her so much and her not understanding her own feelings is so frustrating and confusing for me, there are no answers. I can't bare to think of when I'll talk to her next. I called a friend who reached a hand out this evening and we talked for over 2 hours about breakups. I found out a lot about his, and there seem to be a lot of similarities in the way guys feel post break up. Full of regrets, and endless list of regrets. Knowing we never meant to hurt her, but with our stupid actions we do. This friend was one me and the ex would after talk about too, he's quite a character. After a while he made it really obvious (without saying) how much he wants to move here with me, he even got kinda desperate. Talk about out of the blue! It freaked me out and it's just another thing me and my ex would have laughed about together. Going to bed now I feel kind of numb again. I haven't eaten properly today as usual, I hope that will pass soon. I miss her so, so, so much. How much harm would it do to just tell her that? I'm terrified she's forgetting about me, or worse, deciding we definitely made the right decision and not missing me at all. I know I can't think about these things, but they just appear in my head. Teeth brushy brushy time, night!

Day 0 Today was the last day I'll talk to her for a long time I hope. We broke up one week ago and I took the week to discuss everything I could, share everything I could get and give the answers needed. Did I beg her to stay? Yes. Rookie mistake. She broke up with me because 'she just doesn't feel it anymore'. I hope time apart will remind her of what we were, what we can be. I skyped her for an hour literally just now, and read out a final list of things I'm sorry for, and things I'm thankful for. I wanted everything to be out on the table before NC begins. I took in her reactions (of which there were very few), she still feels very confused and doesn't know what to do and/or say to me. That's ok, as long as I've said all I can. I told her that I loved her, that I'll always have hope, but I know that we need to be apart now, to grow, to discover, to change. I ended the call, I wanted that power. I've blocked her activity on FB, I've unfollowed her on Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. I haven't deleted her number, I feel confident that I won't use it. I'm ready to start this. Right now I feel kind of at peace actually, though when on the call I was a mess. Couldn't help it, said more than I should have too, but what's done is done. I've told her that if she ever wants to talk to me, she can. I'll welcome it. But I'm not going to contact her without good reason. She's a very rational, sane and intelligent girl, she won't be calling me every 2 days acting like nothing happened, we have a very mature relationship in that way despite being early 20's. There will be no running back into each others arms, now is the time to just feel our feelings. So yeah, here's to the challenge! It's going to be hard no doubt, especially as we were so engrained in each others lives, constantly texting about even the smallest things. I'm listening to a song she posted on her Tumblr now, and then I'm done. Here are the lyrics. Gamble by Lucy Rose, really beautil song and shows that she feels more to blame about this when she shouldn't be.

Reading through this thread over the past few days has been massively helpful. Yes, it gives you hope. But it also helps you realise that either way, you have to move forward for yourself and ultimately you WILL be happy again, whether that is with her or with somebody new. I broke up with my GF of 2 years last saturday, we met at Uni and knew it was right, but Uni ended and the stress of long distance and real life changing who we were eventually tore us apart to the point where she feels really weird being intimate with me, which is something I'd like to hear more about from girls or other breakup/recon stories. I guess she's just lost attraction and I need to become the guy she fell in love with in the first place. I see that I've changed and I don't like it, I don't make myself happy anymore, let alone her. Anyway, I guess I have a few recon stories, though not really any positive ones! First year of Uni, I was a virgin. A good friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers (with massive boobs, woo!!) and we kinda hit it off. Not magical, but fun. It was quickly obvious we had something, so we started a relationship. It was all good and well for a month or two, we lost our virginity to each other, but it never felt like love. Christmas break came around and despite planning to see each other, we never did and ended up texting maybe once or twice over 4 weeks. We got back to Uni, I saw her in the SU and it just didn't feel the same, I could barely speak to her. Something had changed, it felt so awkward. After a week of avoiding her I manned up and discussed a split. The obvious regret, sadness and loneliness set in and in our weakness we got back together. Things were okay again, but no better. We never discussed what went wrong, we just missed the company. A week later we split properly and I quickly got over her, and she me. Around Christmas of 2nd year the same friend that introduced us, a very good friend of mine by now, told me my ex was still single, pretty horny and had been having thoughts about me. That was exciting I guess, not romantically but I hadn't had sex in a year. I looked forward to going out and bumping into her, but in the end nothing came of it. She went on to become very close to a guy she was living with all along and I'm happy for them. Very quickly after I realised a girl in my house I'd been living with all along was the one. She's now my ex, different story, see the bottom! My workmate has a story too. He was with a very pretty woman for 5 years. They split, and he did all he could to get her back. When he finally did kiss her again, the moment they touched, he knew he didn't want her again. Show's that recon isn't always what we truly, deeply want I guess. A friend at Uni had a very similar story. Recon'd with his GF after she cheated on him. He had her naked, spread eagle and ready to go, but suddenly felt he just couldn't do it. I takes time to understand what you really want, I think that's important to remember. As others have said, don't rush and understand that BOTH people have to grow, change, improve and BOTH people have to want and be committed to making it work. I know another couple from my course that split for a few months too. They're back together and happy now, though one lives in Cardiff and the other Manchester, so I don't know how they're making it work. Either way, they split and now they're together and have been for 2 years I think. Happy days! Hoping for recon with my ex down the road, but who knows. She's the most intelligent, real girl ever and would never rush into a decision like that. Reading everything in the thread so far has been so helpful in understanding how to move on to be happy with myself again, and how to increase my chances of recon. I'd never rush back in, we'd take it slow and thoroughly discuss the problems that led to the BU before; instability, neglect, long distance. Hopefully she comes out of her funk of 'not feeling right with me, it's like kissing a brother' and feels the passion. If not, then I'll be a changed guy anyway and I hope to find another love like that, though I doubt it. She was, in all regards, perfect. Starting NC tomorrow after a skype talk to say goodbyes and read her a basic list of everything I'm sorry for, and everything I'm thankful to her for. I never want to lose her as a friend, our bond is too deep and she agrees, but we need time apart for sure and LC is just hindering our progress. We'll come out of NC and I'll likely initiate, that's just the way she is. Very scared, shy and fragile. I'll keep you guys updated and thanks for all the stories!