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rich_1517

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  1. rich_1517
    be careful what you wish for. i had really wished this week that two things would happen. i would begin to care less and my confidence would return, dangerous combination. books about reconcilliation warn about this part. you put so much effort in with little return and apathetic feelings set in. this week to compensate for saying too much i broke a date with her, cut all my conversations short, was a little short last night when i didnt feel well and was so so today when she called and i cut the conversation short again. no i dont think its affecting her all that much. this was for me. i think if she cancelled tomorrows park, dinner, movie, sleepover with me and her son i would not care right now. i watched peter pan tonight with L, yes she changed her mind. i could emphathise with peter a lot. there is that part of me that loves life, devil may care, forget my worries, that has been buried for a while. i have to watch this becuase in this mode i could very easily say "you have taught me to let go more, and to see you as a friend" have to watch this. becuase i am getting fatalistic. some days i think that no one would string someone along like this, no way. not weekend trips, and sleeping over and calls, calls calls. could it really be just bored and using me for comfort and feeling better? on the other days i am convinced thats what she is doing hence the no sex, limited flirting. on those days, like today i get in a very standoffish and negative place about her. and the temptation to make suggestions about sex come to mind to test. so here I am playing the game, and i still have to follow the rules, no pressure or be elsewhere. next week will be interesting. her mom has asked her to house sit. the new house in the middle of no where. i mean no where. nothing to do at the end of thrity minutes of dead end dirt road. I do not expect her to invite me, and without any intimacy im not sure i would go, but it will be interesting to see if she invites me. so to that end i work one date at a time. i will have fun tomorrow, then be absent and give myself time again to ask what i am doing.
  2. rich_1517
    well i really am sick so i had legitimate reason to break a date. still hurting from all the confusion around this. people mean well but sometimes grrr. my femal roomate laid into me about how patient i am and she is just using me and im just her "mate". shes british. and of course i am unsure of what is happening myself, totally. i want to believe that she isnt using me i really do. who would involve thier son and thier time this much with a "buddy?". can she truly be that bored? ladies? tonight was a calculated move, i cancelled non chalantly and said another night, i feel terrible. she was very understanding. i said tomorrow night is ok though with her son. she said not sure if she is going to do it. has to plan goals for the weekend. now heres the catch, the plans for tomorrow mean coming my way. an hour from her home. means she and her son would stay here. unless that is uncomfortable with her. otnight when we talk or IM ill say i can lay out the futon for you guys or not, your call. this is very close behaviour to where we used to be. so its back to my question, do i own what i did at all? the needy part or just be aloof and present. have a good time? sigh....
  3. rich_1517
    thanks Guess your posts make me feel better. the game is definitely still on. i decided to treat it as "had a bad day". still decding if i will reopen the topic to say i have allowed situations to affect my self resepct and how i behave. and its important to make sure that doesnt continue. we did the online IM thing last night, and this is funny, i thought i was having fun so i typed something in an unreadble font that was really sexual, thinking of course she couldnt read it. wrong, since she didnt have the font it spelled it out for her. ooops. i hate im with her, to impersonal. she now has called to invite me to do something with her and her son tomorrow night. so yes she is in control, but i have to watch my own reactions right now. i am angry again at the situation becuase i opened up and feel vulnerable, so on one hand i have to not react petty and defensive, at the same time its time to stop apologising for being me, this will come and the fact that she isnt running away does feed my confidence. she is now flirting openly (verbally) with me so i will meet her there. so today is an aloof and sarcastic day. sigh. thanks guess
  4. rich_1517
    anyone out there>? she called and wants to go to the movies. so off i go and act like nothing happened. just a blip. i have to play the confidence, low pressure game again. i miss her i really do, i have no idea what she is doing. she obviously does not want me to get too far away. the last time I expressed my feelings i walked away for a month. the future is hard to see, i am moving in a month and i want her to ask me again to move in and so it hurts to see that change. that doesnt mean it wont change again. i have to do the let go for now thing. and of course be prepared for the invites with the son.
  5. rich_1517
    i confused you? hmmm. the blind, deaf and dumb guy cant even explaing himself. yikes. well i have decided to treat it as that didnt happen. I am only human, so move quickly towards noemal again. restore confidence and act natural (nothing to see here move along) if she is willing to keep allowing me to screw up in the "game" then ok i take the slack. i still believe that consistency and low pressure will win this one. becuase after movies one of two things will happen. one - she will say "im hurting you so i decided" two - "so are we going camping"? my hope is on two.
  6. rich_1517
    The old thread was getting to be that, old. if you are new the ongoing and sometimes frustrating saga. its been five months since she left. she came back and said lets date. i broke it off after zero progress. she kept calling and saying i miss you. so we went camping, done things with her son, she and i went away this weekend. she will not re-commit as yet. we are not having sex. she knows she loves me. she is not dating, i have been. i am in this for the long haul stupid or not. i love her enough to keep trying. i stop when there is someone else or its clear its over. its not clear its over but its not clear its going anywhere either. her stuff aside, my confidence, willingness to change smoking, finances and diet are her big stumbling blocks. but also "feelings" so heres todays dilemma. i blew it monday after a great weekend in LA (ok so no sex) but we had a very nice time. we travel well together and she opened up a lot more. i called her in a bad moment. i said i miss you, i love you. how do i make you fall back in love with me? help me to be patient. i have stopped dating others. i just handed her my lunch and became very depressed after. i knew better, this is the first real breakdown in a very, very long time. i expected her to avoid me now. nope, "movies tomorrow"? i havent called her back yet. i am confused.
  7. rich_1517
    ok well feeling better now. but argggh. i am now beating myself up for a moment of weakness. i guess its part of the process so here goes. i am afraid i just shoved her away with neediness. in five months i have only said take me back once. yeaterday i said im willing to be patient, help me to be. etc, etc. i was needy. i was not confident. these are not good things. and as i already now i have to seize the instinct to follow up with more desperation out of fear that the last one chased here away (insert laugh here). the only thing i can do is get confident again, dont bring it up again unless she does. if she does i will just tell her i had a moment was getting sick and well had a bad day. but i dont know the next step. i think its in her hands again. and i have to focus on quitting smoking and now its for real. L one of the other girls i was dating just said "i cant get serious with you, you smoke too much and drink too much diet coke." of course she then called back and changed her mind. but i im ok with not having her around, i was starting to feel dishonest even with saying im not ready either. so in addition to trying to keep my financial status solid i have to improve my health potential. sigh, where to next? there is the camping trip with her son, but im not sure what our status is anymore after this weekend and yesterday. maybe this time she will pull the plug, or not. rich is having a moment still.
  8. rich_1517
    well like everyone im glad the site didnt just die. whew well we went to LA. had a great time except, no intimacy still. my gut was telling last week, dont go, dont go, too much time too close with no progress, bad. well i didnt listen. we did a lot, beach, parks, etc. she was touching me a lot more. she was sick one day so we laid low. she was looking through my contacts on my cell phone and saw C's name. (c is the girl i was dating same time as her 3 years ago) she said "you've talked to c?" i said yes but nothing is going on (which is true). i got real quiet at first becuase i wanted to shout at her. she asked if i was ok, then said sorry she shouldnt have brought it up. we really did have a good time. not everything i wanted, i am impatient and want more. but i know this game will take time. so yesterday in a moment of feeling really crappy i called her again. we made jokes etc. then i said im hurting again. i miss you and i love you. oops. i said im willing to be patient, nothing happens before its time, but help me to be patient. fact is the conversation was all pressure oriented. she knows she loves me, shes says she is doing what feels right, she isnt looking for anyone else. i told her what i am doing, that based on her history and what she has said that she is afraid that things never last. and that i am trying to show her she can count on me. she say she knows that. i asked if she wanted something else. she said no. but i broke my own rules, dont call or interact if confidence and esteem are low. fact is she is so removed sometimes that it is hard to maintain that indefinitely. i am mad at myself for pushing so becuase i not ready to end it i will say (when she calls) that i was having a bad day and let it go. i cant get an overview on this right now. i am focusing on getting the rest of my life in order (still) and thats the priority. i dont want to overanalyze it but if you see something do tell me. i dont want it to end yet.
  9. rich_1517
    well she got a little cooler on the trip, not much at all, jus said well im not doing anything else, and sure ill go. i said its your call, i need a little more interested then that! (joking) she said no no lets go. but i have to pay attention to how she behaves. a weekend again alone seems like a bit much to me right now in one way (if it doesnt blossom some more) and the perfect idea if it does. aloof, aloof, aloof. get her to hold the excitement and me respond to it. if i am nervous and push for things to be "fun" it will backfire. so i will let her come up with ideas. never been to la should be fun.
  10. rich_1517
    time to be cautiously optimistic. last night went fine. this morning she crawled into bed with me. i did not try to seduce her, we just snuggled. when her son got up she called back so the three of us could. everybodies day got messed up, he was sick, her appointment cancelled and my clients were out. so we played hooky. last night we did work outs together and she says she wants to go to vegas for the weekend. i said that would be fun, you should go... she said "no i mean us, your coming i with me". i said oh, kind of far isnt it. have to think about it. vegas is too far to drive, so we i said well if you come up with something cool and spontaneous let me know soon and ill go. so now we are planning a weekend away again. but... is that a good idea with no xxx happening? this might be a really good time to show independance and suggest maybe a one night local, but she is sending the signal loud and clear "lets do something nuts and different" very unlike her, and good that im around for it to happen. so now i have to think of a place, and i really want her to be doing more of it. tonight she said movies with her son and her. she said you dont have to go if you dont want twice, so i may show independence on that instead. so interactions: i am not touching her as much. im trying to send the message of "trying to seduce you is too hard" and"maybe im not that interested" but as you have suggested, i tell her she looks good and of course giving real compliments where warranted. two important things happened. she asked me not to leave in the night, that it upsets her. that when i did it a year ago it really hurt her. i hugged her and said im sorry. the other is that i asked for a toothbrush. she said yours is still there. ohh. like I said cuatiously optimistic. her next reaction would be to pull away some after this. we are doing and talking about a lot (not anything important) but a lot of interaction. i need to ler her know by my actions that she can come or go, that its a choice for her not a requirement. while i was typing this she called and said lets go to LA. i have to be careful here. advice wanted.
  11. rich_1517
    raykay, its ok to post here. one stop shopping for adivsors to the long term players.
  12. rich_1517
    you are soooo dead on. and no there isnt anyone without issues our age. we seem to mature and ripen our issues with age as well. i keep telling people - finding that combination of unique but compatible is sooo hard to find, even with active dating. working on my "attitude"
  13. rich_1517
    just getting stuff out of my system. I know i need to relax on pressure. but... i am angry, as expected becuase i am compromising short term to win long term, so some of the sacrifice can sting. but i am also closer again to saying things that may not serve. i want her to want me. she called this morning to confirm tonight, we will go swimming, barbecue, etc. she asked why i didnt call her back last night. and i very flatly said "was worried it was too late" read (i wasnt home here). i am seeing it as it is: she is talking and acting like an independent woman. she has made no comments that would lead me to believe i play any significant role in her future other then a friend. so i am seeing myself now behaving that way. the couch is fine now, hell the driveway is fine. the person i am seeing isnt in love with me as far as i can see, so its like sleeping with a stranger. (these are feelings of the moment) if she would only start talking. but i cant make her, and my take now is she will stay in her pattern, meaning she is fine the way she is, she doesnt need to do anything different. pain or missing wont do it. she is alone in her own head and feelings and she stays there. dont jump on me here but maybe i should let her be that way. im just scared that i may get angry enough to walk away again, only to turn around in a month. but i see now this "thing' only has a little life left in it for trying. i can see from her perspective she has been trying, but in a very unhealthy was (my opinion) she hasnt considered her own pattern of shutting down as a defense to being hurt, so its easy for her to show up for things, shes safe, but no connection can happen. this feels like a step backwards. i have asked her to step outside her comfort zone, i have asked her to talk. can i remind her of that without come off as pushy or desperate?
  14. rich_1517
    job good, smoking bad. i keep trying but i feel kind of overwhelmed about quitting while so much is going on. i know that it is a major hot button, but yeah some of it seems to be cover. but remove it? big leg up. trying again today, im just afraid to become overly "expressive". cant beat that one, not yet. trying. work is getting better and better. i am closing good contract work and rates for my industry consulting are creaping back up. this is leading to me finding full time in a much more acceptable market. the big change is me, im believing again that i can succeed.
  15. rich_1517
    good point. and you absolutely correct. she would start to phase me out more actively. but again, she is a tough one to understand. she could keep me as a friend and close to her son and STILL look for someone new, knowing that she would not bring that person in for some time having seen what can happen. her ex had a live in girlfriend for two years who left and never saw her son again, this scares her quite a bit. She also comes from a family of, follow me on this, of divorces and many step kids who all hang out, the exs also show up as well. so it is not uncommon in her life or expereince for people to stay around after, well show up for large family events. i know that sounds pretty crappy but i cant figure her out on this whole thing. but the only answer to fear is courage and faith. if her heart is still in there i will find it. there is something insanely noble about this thing i am doing, but its also real love, albeit wrapped in delusion. but i have made my choice. she seems to be walking with me far enough to see, so lets see.
  16. rich_1517
    good points. i did ask her if she minded that i kept trying to seduce her, she said not most of the time. so now you are right, backing off. problem is she is lazy.... but lets see what happens. this is very new and scary, but makes a lot of sense. we are building strong family aspects in and i am playing to her comfort level. obviously i just have to be confident and relaxed about it. so to remind myself and those out there who also struggle, stay busy, work out, go do some things very fulfilling for me, this now has a direction i can drop my hands and mental tools for a little. the thing that is hard is the "is she dating?" question. i know i cannot bring it up, and i have to win on my merits. i guess its a question for another time. first lets see how this goes. she was excited about whats happening so either she is stoked she has her buddy on her terms or she sees this as comfortable enough to work with. Keep it coming guess, (where do i send the check for counseling?) hope all is well with you.
  17. rich_1517
  18. rich_1517
    well heres hoping to selflessness paying off. I am going to stay there wednesday night, and we will go camping probably in a couple weeks or sooner. she asked if i was ok with this. i said well this is your comfort level right now. but i said sure, no problem. its terrifying. its like being the ex husband who is relegated to the couch. but on the other hand its getting us closer too. she is excited about this. now it comes down to dating. and the question again is should i be? probably not. but we do have to sit down and ask "what are we doing?' or not?
  19. rich_1517
    Guess, wow, i showed this to my friend and roomate who has had to watch this whole thing unfold and even he doesnt get it. but he said pretty much, yeah. you have a finger on at least one piece of this puzzle, you think of anything else let me know. funny, i havent talked to friends or family about this for a while, no one is surprised we are still dating. (no not becuase i wont walk away) they just arent surprised. scary for me, real scary. the big fear isnt that she will have sex with someone else or even date. i know how i would stack up long run on any of it. no its being ruled out, being the buddy, and she is looking for mr right if I aint it. i cant believe she would be that dishonest. but it is my fear. we know now what is working in her. she is scared ****less of being too close to anyone except her son. its not about sex at all. the next then is approach. i take the camping first and say im more open to trying what is comfortable for her. and yes leave dating out of it. the couch could come after. and you are soooo right. why would i expect her to turn around on sex now when she was glitched even before? very good point. friendship > the family> the heart, > the intimacy. I have to think about the impact on her son. i will find a way to talk to her about that. i think if he could have more time with me it would be ok? Moms out there, your thoughts? this is a dangerous path. but i also know i have made my choice in a long term partner. so ok. L is still coming on strong even with a stiff arm from me saing im not ready. i know what it is, she is trying to win me by any means possible. the more i resist the more she is attracted. i have to think very hard on slowing her down or cutting her off. i may tell her im going camping with the ex. guesswho thanks for the guidedance. its ok to issue a disclaimer, im going to double check all of this internally before i make a move.
  20. rich_1517
    i have to get her talking or im going to get angry i think. suggesting camping to her son without even talking to me about, knowing i have said my boundaries on this really makes me mad and shows a real disregrard for mine and her sons feelings. maintaining the "staus quo" without taking a risk. this is not good, i have to find a way to tell her that. that if she wants me here, she has to start talking about her feelings and fears, for to me going camping is a romantic relationship with obgligations as well. i aint that much buddy yet! and she must show me something to keep this going. or i will take a couple days to let her think about it.
  21. rich_1517
    please try to not judge me right now this hurts and feels good. we went to a street painting festival, her son, me and her. the son is clearly in the "us" camp he would hold both our hands then put our hands together. i havent felt the kind of love coming from him for a long time. we did dinner, then went hunting ice cream, she and I kept flirting but cautiuos. no ice cream could be found open so i joked "well if mom will spoon with me we can have ice at your house" she took too long to answer, so i said "too late, but thanks for playing" twenty minutes later she was still thinking about it. surprised i said its ok doesnt have to happen. she said its just im not comfortable sleeping in the same bed right now. i said yeah and the couch is too unitimate for me. i said kind of a dilemma for sleep overs. she said am i ok? i said sure its just what is. i then asked i do wonder if it will change, she said i dont know. its getting closer. but its the son. she said she was tired and i luaghed well you could have my couch. she then asked her son if he wanted to spend the night. i said lets wait. he got really sad. he kept asking me if i would stay or if they would stay here. my heart is breaking now, not for me but for him. she said what if the three of us went camping? i cocked an eyebrow ina gesture of "you might ask me first". so i hugged the boy for some time and said we will do something soon. i told him your mom and i just need to work out sleeping arrangements. she and i have to talk about this really soon. she asked if i was ok, i said im fine but seeing him hurt is killing me. i am doing the right thing either way. he is getting enough of me to know i am still in his life but knows that i am not permanent at the moment. ive changed. on her drive home she called to stay awake. we bantered back and forth for as usual, there is a closeness and connection that is still very strong. i am looking very hard at letting her feel as much independence as possible and no pressure directly. i did say "how am i going to seduce you?" and do you mind that i try, she now is saying no she doesnt most of the time. so now i just keep working on me, being the friend with a hook and letting her talk herself into it (or not). if we look back any number of months now i would say she and i are closer then we were in the months preceding the break up let alone after. we are talking on an emotional level now instead of around it.
  22. rich_1517
    i still post here all my fears, doubts, excitements and hopes becuase i cant afford therapy but i also feel if i cant show my true self here im in serious trouble with ego. finding my truth means i have to show someone just whats real, if only for myself to hear it. hey i walk away from my computer saying "i didnt just post that!" but the truth is i feel getting to where i am supposed to be: happy, content, and living in truth is made up of all those things. so i will boor you with little updates. she called and we will see each other this afternoon. tonight wasnt happening (flaked friends). but she was worried that i might be worried. (yeah i know) i played that like a pro. i just said i wanted to plan my night so i need to know. i am focusing on work and improving my financial life now. times have changed and my rates are back up as well as the market. so this is good. I miss traveling (here i come geecee) and well some of the material comforts that come with money. but mostly my self esteem and confidence are rising a lot from this last week.
  23. rich_1517
    well im not sure what just happened. i sent her an email saying "im taking the pressure off, i dont want a final answer, reconiclliation is a process not a marked line. not so much out of fear as from pushing for something that should come naturally. i still want to get together, i still want you to open up and step outside your comfort zone. i need you to help me keep playing with you." its been silence all day. not a word or phone call. something has changed. it feels very weird. i think i just let her go. she asked if i wanted to go to a friend of hers house saturday. she said that she wanted to take the game we play and show them, that they had a friend coming over. at my expression she said "no hes married, its not a hook up" she then asked if i wanted to go, that she would have to see if that was ok. (this was wednesday). the reality that i am dating may be sinking in and a new phase of her testing the feild may have started. sigh... now on the fear no fear side, this is when she picks up her son and friday till saturday evening she is engulfed in loving him to death. i guess the ball is in her court again. weird. it was the right thing to say. i wouldnt have liked the end result if she gave in under my pushing.
  24. rich_1517
    well of course i do. nice to hear from you, though you are still drumming on my head to give up i still love you and want you to marry me. i have made a choice of a path that is truest to my heart. when I consider my age, the experience she and i have the time is not as much as you would think. i know you are saying "wake up" she isnt happening. i know that. finding someone who meets my list of wants and needs takes time. so why not let this one go a little longer. this is just worth it still, whats changing is me. im more willing to be patient becuase job changed, ive changed, im dating, and it doesnt hurt as much. thats the reason for the pressure, i have to remember if i want to play this one out that there are times it will hurt. so tell me GeeCee whats new in your life?
  25. rich_1517
    tis a hard path we walk rayaky. but i think you would agree that its worth it, while unconditional love can be confused with doormat, over time it separates the less trustworthy. but its also being true to ourselves too. i just learned and relearned a lot this morning. the idea of putting "wiggle" room back in is scary, meaning taking the pressure off. im not sure how i would do that. i did say if we are clearly going somewhere then we can continue. i want to rejoin the philosophy of love again here, but first i need to plan this next step. what would meet my needs and the needs of the process. i need her to come over the line (as she has been) more over time. i can push/pull for that. she needs her feelings to be stronger in the romance department. i can see for her that is letting go of so much control. she isnt fighting it openly but inside must be torture. so she has to willingly surrender it. so comfort zone. how to do both? one or two conversations at most about "what she needs" and "what i need". in the meantime? i will tell her lets just keep talking and hanging out. that pressing for something that doesnt come naturally is my mistake, i will test my patience as best i can, but i do want you to step out of your comfort zone. help me stay in this essentially, and i will give you the space you need. and i agree, guesswho your post was very cool.
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