majord23

This ‘guide’ has been written to give people here guidance on what to do after a break-up. This has been written using my own experience, and also drawing on the experiences of others in my personal life, and also from these boards themselves.

This is the healthiest advice that I can give – both to help someone recover from a break-up and to give the best chance possible of being reconciled with an ex. There are no ‘games’ or ‘tricks’ contained here, it is not a quick-fix nor a magical solution – it is straight-forward and all about helping the dumpee heal and move on, with or without their former partner

The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide

Goal The goal of this post primarily focuses on two things:

To maintain the dumpee’s self-respect and dignity

To avoid being pitied by the dumper

If these two (interrelated) goals are achieved, it will have a two-pronged effect.

It will assist the dumpee in moving on

It will increase the chance of reconciliation

Stereotypical Post-Break-up behaviour

When someone that you love unexpectedly, or even expectedly ends a relationship, then you may find yourself losing control of rational thought and entering ‘survival mode’. This can manifest itself in numerous ways, but the most common appears to be losing their inhibitions and saying *anything* in order to reverse the dumper’s decision.

Begging, pleading and promises of change are high on the dumpee’s behavioural agenda. These behaviours do not work, and on the rare occasions they do, the second chance is generally short lived.

Why? Because a dumper may return to the dumpee out of pity – and pity has no business in an equal, loving relationship.

Another reason for failure is because the dumper may feel as though they are doing the dumpee a favour by returning, and thus it makes the responsibility they hold in making the relationship work significantly less – it is easier for them to walk away (again).

It would be completely unreasonable to expect anyone, especially yourself, to be able to control the initial impulse to beg your ex for another chance. So if you have done so, forgive yourself – but vow that you won’t do it again. Today is the day that you take your first step forward in moving on.

What to do differently

If begging, pleading and promising change is the ‘wrong’ behaviour to exhibit, then it stands to reason that the ‘right’ behaviour is the opposite.

So, what is the opposite behaviour?

Well, let’s dump the begging, pleading and unreasonable demands you have made on yourself under a broad heading: “Undignified” – because that’s exactly what it is – undignified.

So, the opposite is……that’s right, “Dignified”.

As hard as it is, as much as your heart, head and soul wants to scream “Take me back pleeeeeaaaaseee…I’ll do anything….I can’t live without you…..” to your ex, you must NOT…and instead act dignified.

By all means, let your ex know that you are upset and that you would like a second chance – there is nothing wrong with discussing your feelings and desires (initially).

Once you have done so however, consider your side of the break-up complete. Do not rehash the conversation and do not throw things that your ex may have said back in their face.

Telling your ex: “But last week you said you loved me, and wanted to be the mother/father of my children” will ultimately achieve nothing except cause conflict.

An ex’s words are not a binding contract and as such, can not be used to tie them into an agreement that you thought you held with them.

Arguing logic with someone who is making a decision based on emotion will prove fruitless. No matter how much logic you attempt to apply to an emotional decision, emotions will *always* win out.

For whatever reason, your ex’s feelings have changed and they have made a decision based on that – respect that decision, just as you would respect decisions they made within the relationship….and accept it. “True love doesn’t need convincing, true love knows.”

That means letting them go, and switching your focus to picking up the pieces and moving on – without them.

What happens next?

You will now find yourself at the crossroads – with a decision to make: Stay in Contact, or initiate ‘No Contact’.

There are some situations where contact is a necessity (children are involved or you work/go to school with your ex). There may be others, but these are the primary ones.

In these cases, keep contact to a minimum and remember that you have already told your ex about your feelings and your desire for reconciliation, so do not under any circumstances have these conversations again.

Keep your interactions with your ex as brief as possible and keep any conversation completely related to your reason for being in contact (children, work, school).

This will be hard, but again, you have to remember your goal – maintaining your dignity and self-respect and avoiding your ex’s pity. Do not compromise these for even a second. Stay strong, and prepare yourself for each interaction with your ex: “Proper preparation prevents poor performance”.

If you have no obvious ties with your ex, you are still at the crossroads – staying in contact or breaking contact.

In the majority of scenarios, your ex will suggest ‘staying friends’ – they may even do more than suggest it, they may actually start to beg and plead themselves.

Some dumpees are willing to enter a friendship almost immediately and some are emotionally ready to do so. Some relationships were built on friendship and many successful friendships have been born out of failed relationships – BUT, and I must stress this – these are the *exception* to the rule.

I will say this again – the moment that you poured your heart out to your ex and expressed your desire for a second chance was the turning point in the break-up. That is the moment that your actions became motivated by one thing and one thing only – what is best for YOU….not for your ex, not for the hope of reconciliation – but for you, and you alone.

You should never enter a ‘friendship’ with an ex as a means to ‘get them back’. If you have *any* desire to get back with your ex…even if you try to convince yourself by saying “Well, maybe one day but I’m happy with being friends in the meantime”. Don’t do it.

The truth of the matter is that you are lying to yourself, and the situation will end with more pain (for you).

Relationships (including friendships) are founded on equality – equality of feelings and equality of expectations. If one party desires or expects more than the other, it will lead to conflict and quite possibly the destruction of the relationship. You’ve already lost your intimate relationship, so why enter another one (friendship) that is doomed to fail from the very beginning?

Being friends with an ex means being happy to hang out with them and their new boyfriend/girlfriend/person they are sleeping with/husband/wife. If the thought of that gives you an empty feeling in your stomach, don’t do it….at least not yet.

Despite these warnings, some may decide that they want to stay in touch with your ex.

You’ll tell yourself that you’re strong enough, that you can handle your ex seeing someone new, and that you don’t care if you don’t get back together with your ex – and some of you will be right.

Some however, will be lying to themselves: Before deciding to stay in contact, or stay friends with an ex – sit down and have a really hard think whether it’s because you genuinely want to be friends, or because you are scared of letting go. If it’s the latter, don’t stay friends with your ex. This is about what is best for YOU remember, and sometimes doing what is best for you is the hardest choice to make.

Letting go is hard, but is also the healthiest thing you can do after a break-up. Everyone will let go at some point after a break-up – some people will do it themselves and heal quicker, whilst others will fight and fight – until, in the end, the decision to let go is taken from their hands – and they *have* to do it.

Let go now, while you have a choice to do so – it’s empowering and it also links in with the goals stated at the start of this thread.

If you do decide to take the: “I think I can win them back by staying in touch” route, consider yourself warned and then…

No Contact (NC)

If you’ve read this far, then you are at least thinking about No Contact (NC)…so, what is No Contact?

That thread covers a lot about NC and various scenarios, however it probably doesn’t stress one point enough: No Contact is NOT a tool to win back an ex.

Again, everything you are doing right now is focussed on what is best for YOU. If you want to use NC as a tactic to win an ex back then by all means try it, but you will find yourself praying, hoping and wishing for the day that NC finally has its desired effect…and that day may never come.

So initiate NC knowing that it is NOT to bring your ex back, it is all about allowing yourself space and time to heal. If you enter this period knowing that, the results will come – if you enter it expecting it to bring your ex to their senses, you face disappointment – and you may even find yourself resuming the ‘stereotypical post-break-up behaviour’ covered at the beginning of this post.

No Contact is difficult and at times heart-wrenching – but healing will occur if you tough it out and hang in there.

Contacting your ex may bring you temporary relief, but it only makes things harder in the long run – it’s akin to scratching chicken-pox. You will have an almost overwhelming urge to scratch and scratch…knowing that while it may make you feel great momentarily, it will ultimately delay the healing.

What happens if I break NC?

Quite simple – you start again. You don’t beat yourself up about it or dwell on it – what’s done is done.

If you contact your ex, and the conversation goes well – ask yourself: “What have I really achieved?”, “Am I ready to be just friends?” or “Am I closer to reconciliation?”.

If none of your answers are positive – resume NC and don’t look back. If your ex makes promises, but provides no evidence that they are going to back them up with actions – resume NC and don’t look back.

If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume No Contact and don’t look back.

If the ball is left in their court (via your attempt at contact), leave it with them – they know how to find you if they do wish to contact you.

What if my ex breaks NC?

If your ex breaks NC and expresses anything but a heart-felt, genuine desire for reconciliation, you resume NC and don’t look back.

If your ex states that they miss you, are confused, want to be with you “one day” etc, you resume NC and start again.

Your ex, if expressing things such as though as stated in the sentence above, has entered their own version of ‘survival mode’ – where they are willing to say (almost) anything to get what they want – you in their lives. This is the dumper seeking what *they* want – you in their life, but not a relationship with you.

Remember again, you are no longer doing what is best for your ex – you are doing to what is best for you – and if your ex is offering false hope when you want a solid promise, you resume NC and don’t look back.

If you have already explained your reasons for NC to your ex, there is no need to do so again (no matter what your ex says) – a simple “We’ve already discussed why I need to do this, take care *click*” will suffice just nicely.

If your ex continually breaks NC against your wishes, and expresses no concrete desire for reconciliation (if that is what you are seeking), then block their calls, emails…take any step you have to cut them out of your life. Again, it is about what is best for YOU.

Avoid getting into a NC/Breaking NC cycle (regardless of whether it is your ex or you breaking NC). You are the only one that will have the power to stop it, your ex will (more than likely) keep the cycle going for as long as you allow them to. Be strong, cut all ties and maintain NC. Even if it means being rude.

What do I do to help myself heal during NC?

Your options are limitless – you are now a single person with no-one to answer to. Meet up with friends, take up a new hobby, work-out, go on holiday…do whatever it takes to make you feel good, and whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself.

Do not sit at home dwelling on the past and do not think of ways of ‘accidentally’ bumping into your ex.

In my experience, Sunday evenings are the toughest – work/school beckons the next day and the weekend is over. Try to plan an activity to keep you occupied on Sundays if you can – even if it’s meeting up with a friend to get some dinner or watch a movie (preferably a comedy).

Should I date others?

Only when you’re ready. Casual dating is great and can build self-confidence and also show you that maybe there is someone else that is just as nice, if not nicer than your ex.

However, do NOT enter a relationship unless you are certain that you won’t go running back to your ex at the drop of a hat if they reappear in your life. A new relationship introduces someone new to the scenario – a person with feelings and desires, just like us all. They deserve honesty and to be treated with respect – so do not use anyone else to make your ex jealous or as a replacement for your ex….someone is going to get hurt, and it could be you – physically

You may find that dating someone new, instead of taking your mind off your ex, actually makes you miss them more – that is natural, and normal – and is your sub-conscious telling you that perhaps you aren’t ready to date just yet. Hang in there; the day will come where you will be.

Should I break NC for important events?

No, nope, negative. There is no reason to do so, unless it is life-threatening. No good will come of it.

What about Reconciliation?

There are no magic fixes to a broken relationship, no tricks, no secrets and no guaranteed methods to win an ex back, but there is plenty you can do to *decrease* your chances.

For some guidance, look no further than SuperDave’s brilliant thread

Successful reconciliation is something that will not happen for the majority of people who have been ‘dumped’ – that is the cold, harsh reality of break-ups and indeed life. We don’t always get what we want.

I can tell you this however, those who do reconcile successfully with an ex are those who ‘get themselves back’ before getting their exes back.

The people who maintain their dignity, self-respect and avoid being pitied by their exes are the ones that bounce back quickest and make themselves and attractive relationship prospect for the opposite (or same) sex.

And that's why this guide has been so focussed on letting go and moving on - *genuinely* letting go and moving on, *really* taking back control of your emotions and your life - these are the things that give you the best chance of reconciling with an ex. Focussing on your own healing, rather than focussing on what effect your actions will have on an ex - these are the things that can bring an ex back.

Sure, there are 'methods' that can be applied (The Perfect Plan Mach II) - and yes, some of them may bring an ex back. But this thread is about more than that - this is about *successful* reconciliation, not temporary fixes. Temporary fixes don't fix problems, they merely disguise them...and eventually, just like any 'make-shift' measure - they will fail.

What if my ex wants me back?

It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for – your ex contacts you out of the blue and says the words you’ve been wanting months to hear: “I made a mistake, I love you and I want you back.”.

Brilliant – you grin from ear to ear, tell your ex that you love them and live happily ever after, right?

Not so fast there kid – the hard work has only just begun.

First things first – you have to evaluate *why* your ex has had a change of heart – is it because they genuinely miss and love you, or is it because they themselves were dumped and are returning to ‘familiar territory’? Or perhaps they are going through a but of a rough patch in their life at the moment?

As with break-ups, each is unique but all have commonalities – and the above are seemingly the three main reasons that an ex ‘returns to the scene of the crime’.

There may be all sorts of emotions to work through before it’s all smooth sailing. You may feel anger that your ex put you through such an emotionally draining, traumatic experience only to change their mind. You may be apprehensive – afterall, they dumped you before, what’s to stop them from doing it again?

Some people can work through these issues, view the relationship as a new start and get on with it. Others may not be able to. Insecurity and anger are the two biggest issues to overcome (in my experience) when reconciling with an ex. Repeatedly bringing the past up in an (unrelated) argument can sound the death-knell for a second chance. Letting go of the emotions associated with the break-up (whilst not forgetting them) is the key to moving forward when reconciling.

Only you know what you can deal with – and sometimes it won’t be apparent what you can and can’t deal with until you enter that ‘second chance’.

As with reconciliation – there are no magic tricks to work through these issues, other than honest and open communication from both parties…and a resolve to work on the issues that lead to the first break-up. If you can’t work through them or get over them, that is not a sign of weakness on your part – it is a part of your sub-conscious that is protecting you from getting hurt again, and sometimes that sub-conscious has a point that should be listened to.

Most importantly, if you do embark of a ‘new beginning’ – just as you should start any new relationship slowly, you should be extremely vigilant when reconciling. Jumping into the relationship too quickly, because you know each other so well, can see each party possibly falling back into the same old routine….and before you know it the issues that caused the first break-up are back.

Slowly, slowly, slowly….that’s all I’m sayin’.

Best of luck.